Love

It would appear that Sunday was a day to learn about love...again.

It all started on Sunday morning with the statement from P. Mills - "Love trumps all". I know it's such a simple statement, probably made thousands of times before, but the clarity and truth of it rang clearer to me than ever before. Love does trump all, and all that we need to learn from life is how to love people wholly and unselfishly. You may think the Beatles were exaggerating when they said "All you need is love", but in reality, it is true. Love is the fundamental core of life. If we could all learn to love a bit more, love someone other than ourselves, we would change the course of the world. I truly believe that with all my heart.

So, Sunday morning began with a much needed reminder of love, and Sunday night followed with another gentle reminder of how our love should be activated in our lives. And here are some characteristics of true love--

Generous. Marked as sacrifice.
Active. Backed up by actions.
Sincere. Open-hearted, doesn't use people.
Sensitive. Tactful; knows what to say and when.
United. Works to take down walls.
Edifying. Seeks to build others up.

See, none of us can say with surety that the love we demonstrate in our lives is characterized by those attributes. In fact, I would hazard a guess that many of us do not even understand what true love is.

There are people who don't understand true love because they have another definition of it.
There are people who don't understand true love because they have never experienced it.
There are people who don't understand true love because they have denied it's existence.
There are people who don't understand true love because they have never understood it.

There will always be people who won't believe, who won't understand, who'll deny the truth.

The fact is, we all need love, we all need it in it's purest form.
We need to give it, and need to allow ourselves to receive it.

Here's what I did.
I lay on my bed, the wind blowing in through my wide-open window, the curtains tossing and dancing in the wind, sunshine dappling the walls and bed.
I lay there and thought about life, and how wonderful it can be.
It's such a juxtaposition between good and bad, but the bad times make me love the beautiful and good moments that much more.

Basically, my thoughts on love (and life) can be summed up as so--
I need to start searching, probing, being honest with the love I choose to give and allow myself to receive.
Is my love growing people, am I sacrificing myself for others? Do I value other people as much as I value myself?
Never, never be content with where you are. Strive, reach, strain, stretch to be more. Build your character, grow yourself, open your heart, believe.

"He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world."

Little Things

I find myself pleased by little things.

Sunsets. The taste of milk. Scents of vanilla. The warmth of tea. Clean clothes. Rippling water on the lake. A new leather-bound crisp journal.

It makes me wonder at humans. How enamoured we are with things that are generally quite unimportant in the grand scheme of things in life. We love our comforts, our food and house, shelter, provision, and entertainment. Material things please us and fulfil us to some extent. Yes, we are a people of comfort.

But the more I think about it, the more I come to the realization that those little things are what makes the grand scheme of life. Without our idiosyncrasies, our tastes, the things we delight it or love to hate, we would not be who we are.

Enjoy the sunshine. Bask in love. Eat what you like. This is life.

Annoyances

I don't do this often, but here, today, is a list of things that drive me insane.


-talking with food in your mouth

-water on the bathroom counters in restrooms

-gross porta-potties

-people who don't signal

-yelling/shrieking during arguments

-people who beat around the bush

-people who walk realllyyy slow in big groups at malls/stores

-people who refuse to tip well

-those who ask for directions and then don't listen

-obnoxiously long messages on my voice mail

-having to repeat myself

-people fooling around when it's serious-time

-lights being turned on while I'm sleeping

-loud neighbours

-loud obnoxious music late at night

-snotty people

-when I used to take the bus: early buses

-people who talk really loud on cell phones

-people who work in public-geared jobs but can't be nice for the life of them.

-stale gum

-cold showers

-drunk people

-girls who dress inappropriately

-people who don't scoop their dog poop


I will update as I think of more...

Pushing Loves' Limits.

I sit with an elastic band intertwined through my fingers, stretching it, pulling it, expanding it's capacity, and ultimately testing it's limit.

I can almost visualize love, winding it through my heart, my being, taking it and pulling it, yanking it, examining it's capacity, testing it's limit.

We want to know the people we love will be here for us through the storms and difficult times, so we almost create storms in order to test their love. We're difficult, rude, obnoxious, pretend to dislike them, while secretly, inwardly hoping with bated breath, that they'll come through for us, that their love is stronger than circumstances, that we won't be able to drive them away no matter what we do.

The people who we trust the most, the people who we love the most, are the people we hurt the most, the people we can say anything to, the people we can be 100% transparent with.

And so, testing love becomes a sort of life habit. Everyone who comes near is put through a rigorous trial, and many do not pass because we almost don't want them to.

We justify our behaviour as self-preservation. We have to find out who we can truly trust, and this becomes our lie-detector. We can trust the people who stick with us through our worst moments.

many different things.

Procrastination brings you nowhere in life. It may give temporary respite, but at the back of your mind, there nags the knowledge that something is undone, something is lacking, something needs/requires completion. I believe this is something you learn with maturity...that putting things off can only be done for so long, and you may as well just start and complete what is necessary.





There is nothing more relaxing and relieving to do, than drive at night with the windows rolled down, music playing, and wind blowing through your car. The darkness brings a calm and quiet to the city, and the roads are clear. It seems with the clearing of the roads, my mind clears, and clouds roll away. It puts life into perspective for me. I find that things which were so important and pressing disappear, my mind becoming light and free.





Some people told me that I was "intense", needed to "lighten up", and was "too much at times". I want to know why people say that, why people think that. They believe I get upset easily, they believe it's easy to rile me, when it isn't. Not many things that people do bother me. I feel hurt when people who say they are my friends discount how I feel, making me feel as though my opinion is incorrect/doesn't matter...but I don't get angry. I suppose I mostly feel disappointed.


Anyway, the point is...what causes people to think that I'm "intense"? Is it my absolute black-and-white, right-and-wrong, good-and-bad, thinking? Is it because I firmly hold fast to absolute truths? Is my emotional display too intense? Do I feel too strongly about things? Do I treat life too seriously? Should I lighten up?


Should I-attempt-to change my character because people feel that way? Is it possible to change who I am that much?


I don't believe it possible to change that characteristic about me. It's as inherent to my personality as breathing/beating hearts are to living things. No, I am who I am. I shouldn't have to make excuses or minimalize how I feel in order to make sure other people feel comfortable. If people don't like how I am, who I am, they need move on, leave. I can't be friends with people who can't accept me as a person.


That is all for now.

thoughts*

Most amusing consult note:
This lady was seen on an urgent basis in the Emergency Room. I was called by the Emergency Room resident. I came as quickly as possible from my office to find the room empty. She had been toted off to Ultrasound for some reason.

Okay, maybe I only find it amusing because I read so many dull consultations and referrals. This one just stood out.

And in other news-- I accidentally completely yanked out my nose ring today when I woke up. I have no idea how it happened, it just did. And to be honest, it didn't hurt one bit. It was reinserting the ring that was extremely difficult. I tried shoving it back in multiple time with no such luck. I spotted a guy working at Second Cup who had a nose ring, so I asked for instructions. Standing there in front of the cafe, I put my nose ring back in successfully. Someone is gonna get a tip today.

In fear of.

I thought about this today as I sat outside in the sunshine with my friend, enjoying the warm breeze whipping my hair about, cooling off the entire city as it settles down for another night.

We said jokingly, "We should just leave work and go out to enjoy the weather", both of us knowing that we would never do such a thing. We're too responsible to walk off of our jobs and take a night off.

It got me to thinking... Maybe I live too much in fear. Then I started thinking of all the things I am afraid of.

I'm afraid of not excelling at my job to my coworkers standards, so I work hard, frequently skip breaks, and never ask for time off, so that people will see I can handle the job requirements. I would never call in sick unless I was actually sick. I would never walk off of a shift.

I'm afraid of what people will think of my opinions, so I try to keep them to myself. People I don't really know, people I barely talk to, I can be more open with than people I find myself close to.

I'm afraid of my health and possible sickness that can be contracted by working at the hospital.

I'm afraid of the future, that it will hold things I cannot handle, that life may be too difficult for me to maneuver through.

Fear seems to be the guiding light in my life. I live afraid of consequences. I won't do anything impetuously because the results could be too disastrous for me.

It leads me to wonder if this is really life. Is it life to be constantly wondering and worrying about what could happen? Can I move beyond fear and live fully and completely, without obsessing over what other people think about me?

I look with great envy on those people who are lassez-faire, who can live without concerns and worries, who appear to be unweighted with cares of the world. They welcome change with open arms, and do not trouble themselves about what could be, but live in what is.

Yes, living in fear make keep you focused on the road ahead, but it leads to an unsettled and troubled existence.

____


But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
-W. Yeats

Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity;
but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible.
-T.E. Lawrence

Poison Cup - M. Ward

One, one, one or two won't do
Cos I want it all
And a sip, a sip, a sip or a spoonful won't do
Cos I want it all
And I hope, I hope, I hope you know what I'm thinking of
I want all of your love
I need all of your love

She said, "If love, if love, if love is a poison cup-
Then drink it up
Cos a sip. a sip, a sip or a spoonful won't do
Won't do nothing for you but mess you up."
And I hope, I hope, I hope you know what this means
I'm gonna give you everything
I'm gonna give you everything

___


You can hear this here.

Fragments

*Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
I'm going back to the start* -Coldplay


I took M out last night on a 4k walk.

The weather was warm with a cool breeze, refreshing.

Once someone described life to me as a series of pictures, but we can only see them one at a time.

Although we are at times confused and the pictures don't make sense, we have to wait, to see all of them, in order to grasp the whole picture. It's like...seeing only one frame of a movie reel, and wanting to understand the movie. We need to watch it as a whole in order to grasp the meaning of it.

So instead of rushing and attempting to decode what our lives mean, we just need to wait for all of it to unfold in its order, for the fragments to be put together.

I Would Like

to meander my way through a post, without any sense of direction, and without intentionally attempting to get one point across to you, the reader. I would like to start here and finish there, making no sense in between, just filling the spaces with words and sentences that may only make sense to my mind.

So here I go.

[April 14] I find that he gives me pure joy, and he knows that, he knows that he makes me smile, can make me laugh, and he's nervous, and shies away from me. He's afraid that I'll start caring for him, that I'll attach myself, and that he'll hurt me. I love that he is gentlemanly and that he wants to do the right thing. But I wish that he would smile and laugh with me, and not be a fraid. I know it....sometimes when we actually look, yes look at each other in the eyes, we blink and quickly look away, him always first. In those seconds of looking, I see into his soul, there's a brief open moment, an assessment of each other. And every single time I feel so very vulnerable and raw, but I could keep probing. He can't, or won't. He can get under my skin, open me up, make me feel vulnerable and awful, and yet make me smile, give me hope, quiet the voices, calm my head.
I hate vulnerability and hate having my doors open, letting people walk in, take what they want, ever afraid they will walk right out, back through those open doors, leave.

[April 9] So people who believe that there is no such thing as a future, that our existence is random, and that absolutes are an invention of society, are people who don't want to accept their meaningless existence. They devalue life in order to make their feelings about their self-value minimalized. Really, it's an attempt on their part to fool themselves...to escape the facts of their pithy existence. And that is so apparent, it's almost painful to consider. It's the white elephant in the room, the painfully obvious fact that who we are is a continual struggle for us. We constant fight to understand who we are, and will never get some of those answers.
I think at times we can be compared to birds in cages, moths trapped in lamps, butterflies caught in nets. We uselessly beat our wings in futile efforts to free ourselves...and our cages and entrapments may be vices, relationships, circumstances, thoughts, patterns, internal struggles, and cycles of violence or other occurrences.

[April 7] I feel at times overwhelmingly happy to be alive, and then at time, alone, frustrated, and overwhelmed period. So the vascillating to and fro is...well, makes the good time that much more wonderful I suppose. It's tiring though, because I feel as though I'm consistently examining myself when I need to "let it be" (thank you Beatles).

[March 23] So it's odd how you really don't forget people. Someone or something always brings them to mind. It's usually some external force. Someone else who is reminding you, or an event that triggers some memory.

It's All Over - The Broken Family Band

I could, hold your beautiful hands
And kiss, your beautiful eyelids
Throw open, your beautiful doors
And phone, your beautiful friends

But it's all over, it's all over
It's all over, it's all over

I could bind, your beautiful wrists
And shut, your beautiful eyes
With the drugs, with the drugs, with the drugs
And kick, your beautiful doors in
O shame, on your beautiful friends

Cos it's all over, it's all over
It's all over, it's all over

I could fight, your beautiful words
And mourn, your beautiful loss
Throw me out, of your beautiful lifestyle
And call, your beautiful name

It's all over, cos it's all over
It's all over, it's all over, it's all over
it's all over, it's all over, it's all over


___


You can view the video here.

Relief.

To us, it comes in all forms.

We find relief in vacations, quiet times, music, other peoples' words, reading, stress leaves, and family times.

I find relief in talking out every single thought that is in my head.

Every word that jumbles about, every thought that clogs my mind, every idea that cloud my memory... It needs to be released, it needs to be cleaned out, it demands an escape.

I hope that one day there will come a time when I will no longer need relief. When thoughts will not torture, when ideas will be sweet and welcomed, when contemplations will not tear down, when my mind will be at ease.

Until then, I will randomly outburst, telling people of things that I cannot keep in, of ponderings that do more damage than good, of cutting sadistic reveries, of meditations that destroy my hope.

~Randominities~

So today, right here, right now, I've had the most honest and self-probing thoughts.

Here's the thing. Or rather, thingS.

I complain about not having close friends. I whine that my life is devoid of social activity. I feed my self-pity by thinking of how alone I am. And I don't exaggerate when I state that I have no close friends at this point in time. I don't. And the thing is...

I've chosen it to be this way.

I've allowed people to slip away from me, as sand trickles through your fingers. I've allowed time and physical space to push us apart. I've waited for others to make the first move instead of attempting to rekindle fires myself. I secretly find many people boring, which is why I don't try to make friendships work out.

And then I complain that I'm alone. But...I've chosen it to be this way.

I've chosen uneventful nights, I've chosen long work hours, I've chosen uninterrupted weeks of working, I've chosen to avoid people, I've chosen this path in life.

The right to complain is now null and void. This has become all too clear to me. You lay down with dogs, you get fleas. You live with your life decisions. And that is that.

How exactly was this epiphany triggered?

I was talking to someone about another friend who is fading out of my life. My statement was: "We can no longer relate to each other and I find her boring."

The girl I was talking to was silent for a couple minutes and then said, "Don't you think people think that way about you?" To which I arrogantly replied, "No, because I'm not boring".

But after a few minutes of thinking, I can now see how people would see me as boring. I work all the time, don't bother going out, don't go to movies, do not go drinking or clubbing, and basically talk about work. And music. And so, yes, I can see how people would find me uninteresting.

So basically, here's what it comes down to.
I have to learn to live with the life choices that I have made, and I have to learn to live with them gracefully.
Things will never be perfect or precisely the way I would like them to be, so why not be happy and grateful for what I do have?
And if I want more, I need to go out there and get more.

There's just one BUT.
But people, it is always me! It's me who chases down other people and tries to make them care! It's me who shows affection and emotion! It's me who tries to extract care from people! It always is bloody me who tries to make friendships and relationships work. I'm so tired of being the one who ends up feeling hurt and abandoned, while the other person just waltzes out of the situation completely untouched by what went down.

I know I just stated that I wouldn't complain, but this is my blog, and if you don't like it, stop reading it.

Basically it's a catch-22.
I'm frustrated with being the person who tries to make things work, but I'm even more frustrated with my cynical, apathetic attitude.

wondering about this--

Does anyone on blogspot have a blog that is simply philosophical ramblings like mine?

What brings on the question is this--I was bored one night so I just kept hitting the "next blog" button, which sends you to a random blog.

First, half of them weren't in English which is cool, except that I couldn't understand them.

And the ones that were in English was almost completely about family/friends/kids/cooking/recipes/knitting.

Where are the young adults blogs? The teenager blogs? Where are the interesting, insightful blogs?

Who wants to know that you managed to crochet a hat, or that you took your kids to the park.

Okay, done with that rant.

Worry*

It appears to be as natural to ourselves, as breathing and coughing. Worry is ingrained in our souls, and it is a state we fall into with greatest ease.

We worry about upcoming tests, money, finances, relationships, global issues, politics, family, food, self-image, and so much more. Our minds are plagued with concerns and anxiousness as we face an unknown future.

Why must we do it? Why must we obsess over things that may never come to pass, things that grow irrelevant as time passes? We must know that we waste time that is already so scarce, worrying over issues that are most likely of little importance?

Because it's easy to do. It's easy to sit and think about all the things we may need to accomplish, feel a rising panic in our chest, and begin that downward spiral of worrying that eats away at our minds.

Resist it, tamp it down, ignore it, and clarify your thoughts. Choose to be calm and to let the future come as it may. You can't change it or control it, so you may as well let it come calmly, accepting whatever it may hold.

Peace.

++ As Promised ++

My current favourite song... Be Mine by David Gray.
Watch it, listen to it, and love it.


Today I smelled the wondrous smell of thawing.
I was driving my car with the windows rolled down, breeze flowing through the car, and these faint odor came in to the car, a smell of thawing and new soil, of spring and new life. It was very exciting moment. I love spring.


I love textures and colours...how you can see a millions thing, and touch the softness of clothes, hair, the cool steel, and warm coffee cup. You can taste so much delicious and comforting stuff, but can't really define what taste is. And that is amazing.


It's odd how you don't miss people when they're around all the time, but the minute they leave, or are unattainable, you want them, need them, miss them so much, that you feel hollow and empty without them.



She lifts her skirt up to her knees, walks through the garden rows
With her bare feet, laughing
I never learned to count my blessings,
I choose instead to dwell in my disaster.
I walk on down the hill, through grass grown tall and brown
And still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain...
Will it always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged?...[Empty/Ray Lamontagne]



So I find myself listening to this music, contemplating the meaning of life, and wondering if I have a future. It then turns to thoughts of that my future may hold. What people will I meet, who will I become close to, when will things change?

I've already learned to some extent, to be calmer and more easy-going, accepting simply what life has to give. And yet, at times, my mind seems to run away with me, and I worry that I'll wake up and find my life has disappeared in time, with scattered remnants of history barely leaving a mark on the people around me.


On a side note, I believe I may be honing my social skills again, which is good news for the poor people who have to live with me. I've felt so distance and far from people around me, and now I'm attempting to make the effort to be friendlier and more open. I recall a woman telling me once that it costs us nothing to smile at people and be kind, and so I'm attempting to emulate her wise words, and make an effort to show people that I care, even if sometimes I don't.


There's something touching about a child reaching for his mother with his arms outstretched, and you know he has complete trust and faith in her, that she will hold him, care for him, feed and nurture him, and love him. The look on the mother's face as she clasps him into her arms and tenderly kisses his face speaks volumes of true love. She would die for her child, and you can see that plainly in her manner.

Love is a funny thing.
Sometimes I believe we hate it and ridicule it because we fear we will never experience fully, but the truth is- real, pure love stops us in our tracks and speaks to our souls. We stand in awe of the power of love, how it affects others around us, ebbing like the tide and touching the lives of people we come into contact with.


Here's to love, life, and hope.

((Randomness))

Okay, so this is what I do.

I hear a song that completely appeals to me in every fashion: emotionally and musically mainly. It makes me sense happy and relaxes my mind while at the same time induces me to contemplative thinking.

Then, I take that song and I beat it to death, by listening to it over and over, and playing it on the piano, and just immersing myself in it.

In a couple weeks I pretty much am done with the song.

I wonder, if I restrained myself, and only listened to it once a day, would our relationship last longer? And I believe the answer is Yes, Yes it would.

I need to start restraining myself.

-)(-

I thought today that I need to stop caring so much about what other people think about me, and instead focus on the more important things in life, such as cleaning my room, exercising, working, and honing my skills (or lack thereof). For example, I used to be so active socially, always with people, working on relationships, and now I feel as though I have distanced myself from others, satisfying myself socially through internet friends.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with internet friends, but they aren't there for you in the way "real" friends can be. They can't physically pat you on the back, and usually you only show them a side of you that you want them to see. You aren't completely honest with them, because you might not like certain things about you. Or you know that your general demeanor annoys people, so you moderate yourself to be more pleasing. Basically, it's much easier to hide behind emoticons and text.


-)(-

David Gray is just amazing.

I'll update on that thought later.

[Clacking]Empty(Eyes)

The slatted blinds on the window here are clacking and knocking against each other in the warm breeze that is floating through the screen, and never have I been so appreciative of such a mundane sound.

The sunshine is incredibly bright and strong, and tonight will probably be one of those glorious spring sunsets that sets your heart on fire.

It's amazing to me how much the weather affects people. If it's rainy and dull out people are more likely to be cranky and uptight, but as it warms up and the promise of new life is on the air, people seem to unfurl like the leaves budding on the trees and daffodils springing up in gardens.

__

I love these lyrics by Ray Lamontagne:


I never learned to count my blessings
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters...
Will I always feel this way?
So empty...so estranged.


Words are so powerful.
They seem to fill the void of life and speak meaning into our existence. They are ultimately how we exist, how we communicate. The sweeter, the more reflective the words, the stronger the meaning, the deeper the thoughts, the more profound the contemplations.

It's not just the actual physical typing or writing of words that is powerful. It is also the spoken word, what we say to people, what we imply, how we communicate, and how we initially represent ourselves. The first thing that you say to a person will create a lasting impression with them.

___

Look through your eyes, but really look, don't just glance around.

Notice the myriad of colours and shading, the way the light hits the room and illuminates all that is around, the textures that our eyes can pick up, and the edges, shadows, beams. It is almost overwhelming.

The Soothing Sound Of Music

Music just speaks to my soul in so many ways.

I find a song that I love, and listen to it over and over, with a dreadful repetition, because I find that I can almost inhale it. It's so true.. If music be the food of life, play on. Give me access to it... Shakespeare puts it so eloquently... Music is some mens' food. I can't imagine being deaf, and not being able to hear certain people's voices and the melodies that constantly haunt my mind.

Rather like the sound of the ocean on the surf, Pachelbel's Canon in D Major transports me back years, to a summer of riding in the van, the sun setting on Lake Huron, and an island on the horizon, alit with the fiery sunset. The wind blowing through the windows, and the smell of the beach lingering... Music can accompany memories so powerful, when you hear the melody it triggers memories and almost recreates the moment.

When my soul is stormy and I feel as though my heart may explode, I can pick a certain song, listen to it, and feel comforted and soothed, as though someone is pouring a balm into me. Some songs I can recall playing over and over as fury flowed through me, the music fueling the flame, until exhaustion crept in. Some music brings a bittersweet sadness. Certain words and phrases can connect so deeply to your soul and mind.

I'll never forget sitting in guitar class and hearing Adams Song by blink-182 for the first time. The words-

I never conquered, rarely came, sixteen just held such better days
Days when I could still feel alive, I couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too big to try
The tour was over, we'd survived
I couldn't wait til I got home, to pass the time in my room alone.

Hearing that song for the first time brought a sting to my eyes and made me wonder how other people felt in their moments of desperation and loneliness, and that is another powerful aspect of people...It spans races, ages, and culture and relates emotions and feelings that we all live through and experience.

Never, ever, take music for granted.

.:In Dreams:.

Every night now, I almost dread going to sleep.
I used to sleep with a deepness that not even the sound of thunder could penetrate.
Lights would flicker, people would talk, music would play, and I would sleep soundly through it.

Yet now, what wakes me in the middle of the night to a profound sadness, is myself.

My dreams have become more vivid and real in the passing days, and each night I wake breathless with hope, only to be dragged back into reality.

It is as though my every desire, my deep wants, my yearnings rise to the surface every night I fall asleep, and I awake with the idea that they have come, or are coming to pass.

After a few minutes of waking, I realize nothing has changed, and life is the same.

To be reminded each night of what I have not achieved or feel I have lacked in is almost unbearable.