*

I'm still feeling the push, the urge, the pull to write, so here I go again.

I realize that not everything I write can be deep and profound existential searching...

So the lighter fluff...

Jericho is an amazing television show.

I've mentioned it before, but I want to reinstate my opinions on it.

There are shows that I watch that I could stop watching, that it would not really matter to me if I saw the end or not.

Then there are shows that I kinda like, and keep up with them, and I would like to see the series finale, but it wouldn't really bother me if I didn't.

And then there are the other shows that I have to keep watching, as though the fate of these characters are real, and I could be there with them, I could be at Jericho.

Today it was with some trepidation that I wrote out all the tv shows that I watch consistently. I watch nineteen shows on a regular basis -- except now with the writers strike having occurred there are no new episodes, which is probably just as well...I have quite a bit to catch up on.

But it does rather boggle my mind that I spend so much time watching television. I've greatly minimized my internet time, having uninstalled chat programs, but now I'm watching too much television.

It's as though...my own life bores me so I compensate for it by watching television.

What a disturbing thought.

Anyway...watch Jericho. Or don't. Stay free and away from the television and remain unaddicted to the weekly high.

David Gray, Two Hours of Sleep, Thinking About It All

Two hours of sleep is a tease.
It's not enough to satisfy the body's craving and need for sleep, but it's just enough to make you feel sleepier, and to make you all the more aware that you are missing out on something quite vital.
It would almost easier to simply not sleep at all, stay awake and ride the adrenaline your body creates to get through the next day.

*

And thinking about life, it's becoming clearer and clearer to me that walking alone down deserted streets in the middle of the night might be the best thing ever.
You feel alone in the vast, teeming city around you.
You could touch a person walking by, you could talk to anyone if you really felt the need, but you don't.
You just enjoy the quietness of your steps on the pavement, your own breathing, the sound of cars passing, and the laughter of people passing by.
You envy the people in groups who seem to be having a good go at things, but at the same time, you embrace the loneliness and isolation, feeling safer, strong, impenetrable.
Walking alone down a street in the city at night might be the best thing ever.

*

I've just gotten back into David Gray again, and I've been finding his music so poignant and touching. I guess it's one of those things that you can't explain, but you can only feel with your heart. And this is what I feel... Every time I hear this song This Years Love, I can't prevent tears from welling up and trickling down. Which is awkward, especially on the bus.

But I was laying awake in bed at 3:30 this morning, listening to the song on my iPod, and slowly the tears started up again. I can't say there's anything particularly special about the song per se, but as I said before, it's one of those things you can't explain.

Here are [some] of the lyrics-

This Years Love

This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on

Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cos it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last

So whose to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on
And won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last

*

This Years Love...

Had better last.

*

Ever seen the show Jericho? I highly recommend it.
For one, after spending approximately....760 minutes or just over 12 hours sating myself in it, I've realized how much we come to take things for granted.

We have electricity, food, hospitals to go to if we become ill, churches, streets, a semblance of law, police, firemen, able-bodied people, artists, businessmen, stores, merchants...in essence a busy teeming city and society.

But what would occur if you took all that away? What if there was no law? The people held behind bars would run loose and wreak havoc all over the city. The people with criminal tendencies would no longer have a reason to hold back. Any representation of an organized society would fall to pieces, and we would only have each other to lean on.

Who could you trust during a time like that? In an angry crowd full of people who want immediate gratification, surrounded by the starving and poor, how would you bring calm and peace? What would you say to people to comfort them or to calm them when everything they love the most is taken from them?

The fact is...not to be utterly pessimistic, but we will face hard times, our children are going to face harder times, and our grandchildren will perhaps be even more hard-pressed than anything we've seen or heard of.

It's not words that any of us want to hear, but troubled times are coming. All that matters is...where is your family? Where are your friends? Who will you stand with, who will you stand behind?

Publicity Skews Important Facts

Publicity skews important facts.

I'm consistently on an anti-publicity parade, mainly because of the unattainable ideals that society infringes into our minds and souls.

I have mentioned this before...that young women (and men) feel they must live up to this ideal, this model of perfection that graces magazine covers and screams sex appeal.

Here's another area of life that publicity has skewed, an area physically more important than superb models taunting us with their unreachable "perfection".

Breast cancer.

Look around you and you'll be surrounded and amazed with amount of pink items now available, etched and embossed with the pink ribbon, a symbol of breast cancer and the fight women are making for their lives.

Visit http://www.breastcancer.org/ and you'll understand exactly what I am pertaining to.
There is a huge push for awareness regarding breast cancer and women.
It is almost perceived as a demon, a beast threatening to cut down the lives of undeserving women.

Pink mugs, pen, permanent markers, scarves, hats, t-shirts, journals, day planners...the list continues. All in support of the fight against breast cancer.

Don't get me wrong, I am all for finding a cure for breast cancer, for cancer period. I do believe it is a positive thing, that the public is aware of self-examinations and mammograms to be vigilant for warning signs.

But let's talk CHD or CAD, also known as, Coronary Heart Disease or Coronary Artery Disease.

While breast cancer will take the lives of 1 in 25 women a year, CHD/CAD affects 1 in 3.
Those as astonishing statistics and odds.
More women since 1984 have died from CHD than men.
The combined amount of death statistics of women passing from CHD far surpasses the amount of women dying from cancer, by double the amount.

This is what the public does.
It often picks a noble cause and rides it until everyone is aware of the crusade they are mounting.

Meanwhile, other somewhat important issues, or rather, very important issues take the backseat.

Think about it, and live heart healthy.

The Sense Of Loneliness

The walk down to the bus stop is the same everyday.
Avoid the ice, sidestep the mounds of snow, tread carefully on the over-salted areas.

Then the daily waiting, examining the passing cars, wondering where everyone is headed to, until finally the bus screeches to a stop in front of me.

Climbing on, feeding in the ticket, waiting for a transfer, and finding a seat where not too many people are close.

The floor of the bus is stained white from the salt dragged in on the publics boots. A grey film from slush covers the white. Winter has taken its toll on vehicles everywhere.

Riding downtown, sun shining in and out of clouds and breaking through, casts light now, then gone, now, then gone.

And looking out the window at the people the bus passes, the people waiting at the bus stops, the houses and cars...

An overwhelming sense of lonelinesse and isolation swells.
People are detached, confined, sequestered in what they believe is important.
I choose to stare out the window and wonder who I am, why I am riding the bus everyday, and how have I managed to find a way through the almost oppressing feelings of desolation.

Everyday is the same.
Get on the bus, ride with often the same people, sit alone and apart, wonder who I am, and never reach a conclusion.

The Unsurety

I can't say many things unambiguously, but this is for sure.

There will always be two things in life...love and war.

For all those people who are trying to instigate world peace, or who deeply believe that one day there will be universal tranquillity... It's rather a waste of your time.

Yes, it would be nice if there was serenity all around, but I the ever cynical and skeptic thinker have resigned myself to the fact that there will never complete and utter cessation of strife and dissension.

It would be a sweet moment, if for once all the peoples of the world could agree to disagree. But unfortunately, mans inherent nature of wanting more than he needs, or taking without asking, and of impressing his beliefs on others though they may not wish to hear, will cause the world to continue in it's tumultuous state.

Thus, leading me to believe that because man is inseperably evil, there will never be true calm.

But feel happy!
There is love in the world, and people, as long as we show love continuously and unselfishly to each other, there is room for change, room for flexibility, room for growth.

As long as people can find the capacity to care for others above and beyond themselves, then there will some chance of goodness, some chance of lives being changed irreversibly and positively.

The Way It Is

If there's anything we can learn in life, it's that somethings and some people will never change, and accepting it will make life much easier.

For example ... You can be close to someone, love them, hope for them to change, but I do believe after some time you may be forced to sucede.

It's almost akin to giving up, but I prefer to think of it in a more positive manner...aka...choosing to NOT drive myself crazy by attempting to move a boulder, a rock, a proportionally challenged person (in spirit not physical).

So think of this...

Some people are stubborn, unyielding, and unwilling to change any part of themselves.
These people are more likely to be broken, more likely to shatter with pressure (which could be anything from daily stress to extraordinary circumstances).

But those who are flexible, who are pliable, who will change with circumstances, who will be fluid, who will be willing to assess themselves truthfully...
When storms come (and they will - life virtually guarantees us of them), these people will bend like a stalk of grain in the wind, will move like the grass in a field, will be supple, will change.

An important lesson for all of us to remember.
Stubborn, unyielding, unmoving, we inevitably leave ourselves open for hurt through and through.
Pliable, flexible, open to change, we will bend with situations and not allow ourselves to be implacable.

About Life.

In general.

There's so much stuff about it that is so confusing, and it seems that it may never resolve itself.

It would appear that violins and cellos almost always sound mournful, and grieve in their beauty.

Also, Valentine's Day for the single may be the most difficult holiday to celebrate alone. Mainly because society throws these ideas at us, that say being single during this time means there's something wrong with you, something that needs to be remedied.

And most importantly, there are people, there are situations that need remedying, which are far more important than any chocolate-covered holiday, but we lose sight of that, lose our perspective, are ultimately lost in ourselves, when we worry and obsess over things we feel we should have that we don't, people we feel we should be when we aren't.

It's actually ridiculous that we weight so much of ourselves around standards that other people have created, standards that are completely inaccurate and that can break us because we feel we will never reach them.

A young girl will start out her life feeling that she'll never be good-looking enough, because she can't meet the standards that are required from so many young girls at this time.

A young boy will believe that he is under-average, that he isn't a real man, when he sees pictures and forms a concept on what a real man looks like,

It's a general waste of time and energy trying to be someone that you aren't, trying to evolve into a fictional idea of what people should be like.

I realize of course, that I have completely rambled my way through this entire post.

Veritas et Aequitas

I've decided on my next tattoo.

Veritas et Aequitas.

What does that mean?
It's Latin for truthfulness and justice.

I thing Boondock Saints has rubbed off on me a bit.
It's true...a crime worse than actual acts of evil is indifference.
When people stand there, observe crime, and do nothing, turn their face the other way...
People who can make a difference, people who can help perpetuate change, who ignore the needs in front of them...

Truthfulness and justice are attributes, qualities, characteristics that are so underrated in our society.
Justice has been skewed to reflect the government's position, in many a system meting out unfair rulings, depending on the accused position in society. People are taking "justice" a.k.a. revenge into their own hands because they feel they cannot trust the justice system to properly judge the perpetrators.
And truthfulness has evolved from being absolute to being situational. What you feel is right, what you feel is the truth, makes it so. There is no clearcut right and wrong.

More than anything, we must hang on to these two virtues.
They dictate our society's status.

Truthfulness and justice.
Think about it.

In Search Of

This.

Here is one thing I know we search for.
Our lives.

We keep dreaming and hoping and believing that we'll find out who we are before we die.
But as time seems to speed by, and we grow older, the search becomes more panicked, more frenetic, more hasty.

We are driven to look, to seek, to desire something more. We may not be sure what it is we are looking, but don't be fooled, that doesn't stop us from constantly seeking, not knowing peace.

It is until we lay down the search, until we submit to the inevitable, until we stop trying and start believing, until we start believing, we will unsatisfied, unsure of who we are, and consistently trying to make out of ourselves, even though we may be enough.

Truer words were never spoken...

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough.

"I Told You So"

To be fair, he did tell me so.

He warned me in advance that things might not be as expected, and that he has an unfortunate penchant for leaving people by the side, forgetting them, tossing them aside as if they are worthless.

It seemed so unbelievable that he could be like so. He appeared to be a likable, kind person, who would never do such a thing. Love them and leave them.

He did tell the truth. He was honest and transparent. There was no disillusionment from him.
He spoke about his social ways, his friendship faux pas.

The undimmed and strengthened hope whispered, This could be it.

The only words to be heard from him now are, "I told you so".

WindWeatherLife

The wind outside is chilling and blustery.

Each blast rattles the building, and the howling is akin to the cry of a lonely wolf.

God knows what life would be like without central heating and insulated walls. It's not a stretch of the mind to imagine sleeping, living, existing in the trenches, during the world wars, with a blanket between you and the elements.

And I wait for the weather to change, to flow smoothly into spring, the time of hope, new life, and surprise. I wait for the hope in me to be rejuvenated as life continues in it's endless rotation of spring-summer-autumn-winter, day-night, breakfast-lunch-supper, death-life.

Atonement is a movie just released about a lie changing several peoples lives irreversibly. I couldn't contain the tears as the movie focussed on the lives of the soldiers during WWII, and the quiet, lonely deaths that occurred.

It's understandable why people say there is no God. They want to rationalize away the suffering and pain that mankind has lived through and inflicted. They want to believe that no ultimate and supreme being would allow such things to happen. They feel the world is out of control, and they are not personally responsible for their actions.

While I struggle to understand why terrible things happen to people who are apparently undeserving of them, thinking, contemplating, meditating on the grief only overwhelms and leads to a hole of depression and navel-gazing.