Cracked Open

I feel as though my facade may be cracking and bits of me might be spilling out.

Anything and everything that people say to me seems to fray my nerves.
I feel as though I am in a constant state of irritability and unrest.

I've tried sleeping if off, thinking perhaps my physical mind needs rest.
I've tried charting my feeling and attempting to discover what triggers my moods.
I've even thought about how I can change my behaviour to suit others better.

But it all comes down to myself being incapable of being the person other's want me to be.

|| Walls ||

What is it about people who have walls that makes them so compelling to us?

The people we know who are private, elusive, and silent are the ones we attempt to pin down.

It's as though...because they push us away, we insist on hemming them in, trying to discover what makes them tick, attempting to know and understand their minds. It almost become an obsession...trying to delve into them, and uncover their secrets.

The plain truth is...they are usually as uncomplicated and similar to us, but the walls are what drives us to believe they must be hiding something. The walls signify a lack of openness, and seem to promise of something great inside.

It becomes, quite simply, a challenge to us. We want to scale those walls, we want to know what is on the other side, we crave information from them, and the more they withhold, the more we want to know.

They could be as boring as your typical great-aunt or grocery store cashier, but their mysteriousness and refusal to engage in typical conversations or honesty leads us to believe that there must be something, something different about them.

How disappointing it is then, when once we have managed to squeak into the opening of their hearts, to find they are no different than us, just a person with emotions and feelings, that remains closed because of uncertainties or fear.

The people with the walls are the ones we desire the most. We want what is denied us, and the human heart seems to naturally crave what it cannot have. Rather than being satisfied with people we can easily be close to, we run, climb, and frantically chase those we cannot readily have.

How strange is the human heart and mind...

Spring Nights

Roll down the car window, breathe in deeply the fresh kiss of spring.

The air is heavy with the smells of new life. Snow thawing and grass pushing up through the soil.

The sun sets later, the air seems laden with the oncoming warmth, and the sky is dusky at night.

The world craves new life, the people wait in excitement and with bated breath, and we all long for it.

Awakening, new life.

Mundane

I haven't had many *deep* thoughts lately.

Work has been busy and I believe I am currently on an eleven day streak.

Thus, there has been very little free time to sit and navel gaze, contemplating the intricacies and diversions of life.

Although...last night I took Makita for a walk, and I saw my first sunset in weeks!

As we walked underneath the bridge and along the wharf, the sun shone a path across the melting ice in the lake, and illuminated the faces of the people I passed, a sort of calm and peace swept over me, whispering to my heart, All is well.

It is so easy to lose ourselves in life. The business and chaos can cause us to forget the things we take for granted, and live each day for ourselves.

Nature, the beauty of the world that surrounds us...we can become used to it, calloused and no longer take notice of the budding trees, the beaver by the water, the ripples in the lake, and beams of sunshine that light up our world.

Take the time to observe nature, and you will find wonder and amazement in all that surrounds you.

Namaste.

Giving It All

and still feeling empty.

I thought the idea of pouring yourself out was to be refilled anew with greater and better emotions and thoughts.

But instead, after working for so many days in a row, being exhausted every morning and night, feeling lonely, alone, abandoned, and empty...

Giving it all doesn't seem like such a great idea anymore. It seems like a waste of my time and energy.

People barely interest me, I struggle to make conversation about mundane facts of life such as the weather, and I want every discussion to be more meaningful than it ever can be.

Le sigh.

This is the probem with life and myself. We're at odds with each other. I want more than people will give me. I don't want pithy meaningless incidents. I would like every situation to speak depth and life.

Worn Thin and Fraying, Inside and Out

It's has been a while since I have felt this way.

If I closed my eyes for any extended period of time, I believe I could fall away to a world where work is nonexistent, and struggling to eke out a living is not difficult.

But instead (and ever more so over the past couple of days) I have wake up, get changed into work clothes, go in to a never-ending job, and come home thoroughly exhausted mentally and emotionally.

I would like to know why babies have to die.
There is no reason for it, it should not happen.
The small bodies from which their spirits are released should been given a chance to grow.
They should be nurtured and fed.

So I feel more emotionally tired than anything else.

[Marcia Is Saying] Freedom!

I find it rather tragic that we'll never completely understand how dark and desolate life was before the coming, death, and resurrection of Jesus.

Bound to fulfill the law, repeatedly unable to do so, sacrificing animals as an atonement for sin, and grace not demonstrated to it's full capacity in life. No hope for complete salvation...

How we take for granted the gift of grace, faith, love, and hope that has been so freely extended to us, and which we can grasp if only we should choose to do so.

Everyday we take advantage of the greatest sacrifice, everyday we live by grace, believing with all faith that God has forgiven us, loving only because He first loved us, and being filled with a hope for a future.

As you pass through this Easter weekend, take time to reflect on your life now, and what it used to be. And if you don't a difference, reflect on what your life could be.

Have a blessed Easter.

And quickly...

Here's a living, breathing example of love.

It walks in when everyone is walking out.

It takes the hand of a lonely, frightened person and breathes reassurance into their hearts.

It's the form of a wife, bending over a sick husband, softly and tenderly saying goodbye.

It surprises us, catches our breath, and makes us wonder and rejoice over it.

Loves moves in, takes us into the darkest places, lighting a candle of hope, shedding light about us.

It reaches down and astonishes our hearts, causing us to believe again.

It is freely given to us, and so we must mete it out in the same manner.

Freely, genuinely, and with hope.

We Wait.

Here's how we spend our lives.
Waiting.

There are lines at grocery stores, clothing stores, malls, parking lots, stop lights.

We wait for the good times to roll.
We wait for the storms to encompass us.

We wait for people to say the things we want to hear.
We wait for people to change the way we want.

It would appear that we wait our lives away.
We may very well spend all our time and energy watching the ticking clock.

It makes me question, who really wants to spend their lives waiting?
Who wants to have time fly by, spending it standing still?
...When forward motion seems nonexistent, we still are moving, whether we feel it or not.

It is not satisfactory to wait for things to occur.

The best medicine - stop waiting for things to be a certain way, and accept them for how they are.

Spring* ala Winter*

We've been tricked. Duped, lied to, and cheated on.
The promise of spring is fleeting and vain. Although we have been waiting with bated breaths for that glorious day in March when winter is over, it would appear that although it technically has arrived, physically it is as cold as a November night.

Perhaps it's just the notion of spring that has raised our hopes.
Spring means new life, a promise of a future, hope for good times ahead, and a respite from the cold blasts of snow, sleet, ice, and rain we have all been shivering through.


*

So here I am, driving in this car, doing my makeup and hair, moving from here to there independently, working constantly, barely finding time to meet up with people let alone have moments of quiet for myself, and I find that I barely know who I am anymore.

It feels as though I may have lost myself in this grand cause otherwise known as life.

And yet, in the still small moments, when you pause to hear a cardinal outside, notice the budding on the branches, and deeply inhale the scent of coming change, you start to feel yourself. You remember that who you are and what you believe in can never be taken away from you without your consent.


*

Hang onto this:

That you were made this way for a purpose, and that one day you will believe that with all your heart. A completeness and sense of assurance will fill you, and you'll know without a doubt that you've been given to this world, to your family, to the people who love you, for a very good reason.

When you find nights long and lonely, or feel as though depression may be crushing you with it's blackness and dark secrets, hang onto this:

That you are made in God's image, and there is nothing greater in the world than that. You were chosen, you were created from Intelligent Design, you were an intent in the heart of the Greatest Creator of all. Rest assured that God does not walk with us, only to leave us in the hard times.

Love/<3

Love.

It's the most respected, feared, admired, derided, discussed emotion in the world.

We give it, want it, demand it, throw it away, need it, and attempt to live our lives without it.

There is more hunger in the world for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.
-Mother Teresa

We need it, whether we admit it or not. None of us want to spend our lives unloved. We need to know that we matter to someone. Even if it's just one person, the fact that someone would cry over us, despair without us, need us to exist...we need love.

Is it hardwired into our system? Are we created with this desire burning in us?

We know it, we know it with our hearts, as deep as roots of trees in the ground, we know that we need this wonderful healing thing called love.

What In The World/Poetry

It's our surprised exclamation, when we are confronted with something that we really don't understand. It flies out of our mouths suddenly..."What in the world!?!"

*

...and will it be?

will it come to pass or fade away,

will i be left wondering every single day?

will hope die out as a cold still fire,

or will it spark and burn as the flames rage higher?

am i desolately facing the great vast unknown

will i travel these journeys by myself, all alone?

will a hand warm mine as i grasp the air

will there be someone here to love, here to care?

has time consumed my chance to be with someone at my side?

for love may be the only thing to keep me satisfied.

will life become a little clearer, blowing clouds away

...and will it be my love will come and take these fears away?

*

who i am

hello, and peeking inside and through

the window of me

fogged, and misty shadows press

through the fog

and leave me wondering who is,

what is inside.

the unknown jarrs me and leaves

me anxious

clueless to who you are, ignorant

of coming change

here i am, left theorizing on

who i am

because that is who i am*

No Nothing,

After a prolonged debate today about the essence of love, and whether love would prevent us from hurting the people we would claim to love the most, I believe one of the problems with relationships would be that people enter them with this preformed concept/idea of how the romance should go. They have already plotted the course so to speak, and have decided what love consists of.

So the main difficulty is that people go into these relationships with preconceived notions of love, but they have two different views of what love is. And because they both expect different things, when their two different views do not unfold as expected, their "love" dissipates.

The question is ... was it ever really love?

This is what I think the person who loves you the most will think...
Nothing compares to you.

Thought Of The Day

Introspection and navel-gazing do not take you anywhere in life.

You may feel superior to your fellow men because you spend hours wondering and expounding on the mysteries of life, but ultimately, it leads you down a path of self-destruction.

In the still, long hours of the night, your mind works busily while you body cries for sleep. You question who you are, you think of all the things in life that need to be experienced and accomplished, and you worry anxiously over things that will never happen.

Yes, introspection takes you nowhere in life.
You instead remain stuck, glued down in one spot, in a spot where you will never be entirely happy, where you will spend all your energy and time thinking things should be a certain way.

Walking Sleep.

That what it feels like I've been doing as of late.

I've been getting enough sleep for the past two days...at least ten straight hours, but I think my body is trying to catch up on the lack of sleep I've had over the whole past week.

And although I do not find my job physically tiring, I do find that my mind is tired, my eyes are scratchy and burn, and having to just go in is becoming a wearisome thing.

It's not that I dislike the job already. It's just that eleven days straight is definitely overkill. I can see the reasoning behind why God made the weekend. We all need those two days to rest and recuperate from the week of work.

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to Friday with joy and expectancy. A day off. A day where I will not have to get into scrubs, do makeup and hair, and go out. Although I think I'll have to go out anyway.

Here's the thing...
When I'm at work, I start to feel tired and am sure that I will fall asleep the moment I return home.
But always without fail, the moment I step through the door and take off my work clothes, I start to feel a tad more energetic, and end up staying awake until the wee hours of the morning, all the while berating myself and thinking 'I'm going to be tired again tomorrow'...
What a vicious cycle.
Okay, it's rather humourous.

I received my weekly email from Walk In the Word, and wow, what a great message, that I definitely need to learn from. You can view it here. Anyway, I realize that I do need to make this my prayer--
Lord, I know You are at work in my life and circumstances…even when I don’t see Your hand. I know You are working all things together for good. Help me fix my heart on You no matter how long I must wait to see a bigger picture. I believe You will bring all things around for Your glory.

Because I consistently try to make sense of things that are happening, I try to struggle my way through problems, I try to make my way through circumstances that are suffocating...when I need to stop attempting with my own might, and need to start relying on God to have His way through all these things.

That is all.

*A Thought

Pippin: I didn't think it would end this way.
Gandalf: End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path... One that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass... And then you see it.
Pippin: What? Gandalf?... See what?
Gandalf: White shores... and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.
Pippin: Well, that isn't so bad.
Gandalf: No... No it isn't.



A patient passed away on the floor today.
It's actually the first time a death has occurred while I've been on the ward.
I've come in after a death has happened, but not during.
A family member came up to me and through tears and a choked up voice said, "Someone needs to pronounce ... dead for the funeral home."
At first I sat there and couldn't really articulate words or think of what to say, so the first thing that came out of my mouth was unfortunately - "What?"
He was forced to repeat the request, and could barely manage to get the words out the second time around.
But a nurse overheard the second time around, and intervened mercifully.
I stamped up the death certificate and forms and carried it down to bed booking.
And every step I took, to the elevator, out of it, down a couple halls, takes my one step closer to death. Every second that passes, every breath I inhale and exhale delivers me nearer and nearer to that final destination point.
It's the inevitable end [and beginning] that we all must face.

So death isn't the closing of a book, it's the next chapter, it's the door into another life, it's the grey curtain that we pass through and emerge in another place.

And now...I feel as though I must run out and away, and experience every single thing that a human person can know. I must discover new lands and new peoples, I must breathe in life, and live it to the fullest extent possible. I must make every second count.

White Out* Aging* Faith* Change*

It would appear we have not seen the last of winter, even though spring daylight savings begins this weekend.

The snow has been falling for twelve hours now, and shows no sign of letting up. It blankets the city and hides the dirty streets, hides the garbage that drifts down the roads and sidewalks, it covers the squalor and dirtiness. In a few hours the snow will turn to a brown slush and will no longer hide the city's unattractiveness, but emphasize it. It is then that I wish for country living, where one can look out into the fields and wilderness surrounding them and see untouched white spreading as far as the eye can witness.

However, despite snows wondrous ability to cover up the unsightly environment, I believe we are all longing for spring, for new birth, Easter, the smell of soil thawing, and leaves on trees unfurling to a new life and new growth. It's time for a seasonal change, and we all feel it, a growing desire for warmer weather and longer days.

***

Life does not grow easier as you age. As a child you are certain that being an adult will solve many of lifes' difficulties, and that with time things will be clearer and more transparent to you. It has become obvious to me that things do not become clearer, but rather as you age, you learn to patient, you learn to wait for things to occur, and with wisdom you attempt to feel out situations before rushing into them head-first with that youthful recklessness. I still often wonder why things are like so, whether they will ever change, and whether I will recognize that change when it does occur.

Time passes, you wait, and you begin to see things that you never noticed before in the heat of youth. You see wrinkles appearing, laugh lines, shaky hands, and slow gait. You recognize love in people's eyes, you see the power of touch, you marvel at relationships that grow and change. You become strongly aware of your own mortality, and often wonder what the point of life is. Strangely enough, death seems a comfort, for it the natural end of the road for all men.

When you reach the final chapter of life, you need to be sure of only two things...that you have no regrets, and that you know where you will be going, as you step into the surrounding shadows that turn to a glorious Light.

***

Stronger than anything in this world is faith.

It brings hope and joy to the heart, a light in the midst of all darkness.

Even though reason may attempt to stamp it out, the premise of faith is that it exists beyond reason.

No man can take away your faith, no one can lay claim to it, it is the spark in your heart, the belief that belongs to you alone.

You may lose everything else in life, you may be penniless, empty, cracked and broken...

But cracked and broken you overflow and pour out to those around you.

As faith flows through you and touches the people around you, believe that you are changing lives. Believe that your faith will never change, and that what you believe in defines who you are.

***

***

Rest assured that the things in life that you cannot change are static for a reason. They are immovable because they need to be that way. Although we may struggle and fight to bend things from how they are, perhaps the best thing we can do is stop the thrashing and general ineffectual struggling, and wait...Wait to see if the surrounding circumstances need change, or if perhaps, instead of attempting to change our milieu, we may in fact, need to change ourselves.

"Successful Relationships"

I have contemplated this phrase today "successful relationships"...and I have come to the conclusion that the phrase in itself does not make any sense whatsoever.

What defines a successful relationship? Is it the length? Does the longer it last affect it's worth and it's status? Or is it whether the relationship ended on good terms? Or is a successful relationship a relationship that is ended by death?

Can anyone tell me what a successful relationship is? Is it the enriching of one anothers lives with culture and new experiences? Is it walking away from someone, happy to have known them, having grown wise through the relationship? Is a relationships worth dependent on the amount of tears shed over it?

If you haven't been married to someone until death does part, have you never had a successful (non-plutonic) relationship? How do you put a label on whether or not your relationship is successful?

My lackluster conclusion is this -- we cannot label relationships with the term "successful", because relationships are active, changing, and moving things, akin to life itself.

Not Myself.

I feel everyday as though I am possibly not who I am, or not who I should be.

I was contemplating this last night, as I thought about my job.
At a desk all day, somewhat knowledgeable in regards to medical terminology, testings, and general things.
Dealing with somewhat frustrating people, answering phones, booking doctors appointment, and generally doing a job I never thought I could do, or would do.

Then looking different, and feeling different inside.

And knowing that things are going to change all the more, pushing things to change, wanting things to change if it's the last thing that I can do.

I try not to think about the way things are, because they only confuse me and cause me to question if I am where I should be.

I.

I.

I struggle to find essence in who I am.

I find myself counting down the days to nothing.

I anxiously think of all the things I need to accomplish.

I wait in quietness, hoping for a tumultuous relationship to start.

I hope every day that things might change, yet dread the inevitable change.

I look around to see people happy and at peace, and wish I was one of those and yet...

I enjoy my unhappiness and find solace in the emotion of sadness.

A Brief Moment Of Interest

I find myself increasingly bored with things in life. At times I've noticed I barely have the attention to watch a whole movie. I credit that to the fact that I watch too much tv and am used to having the plot resolved in the usual forty-two minutes. Anyway, one thing that consistently interest me is people. People are fascinating creatures that I will never get bored with. It's not so much interacting with others that interests me...It's more just watching them and their responses to each, physical and verbal and emotional etc.

*

Here's something for you to watch...
I hope it doesn't totally destroy your sense of hearing.

In November around 65 people met up in our house for some pre-Christmas fellowship, and it was absolutely awesome. It was great time had by all.

Here's a little video clip of our singing.
Again, I apologize in advance for any permanent effect this may have on you.

So the first clip is of some singing that we did.
The second is just a walkabout I did of the party/house.

Away From Here

What exactly is malcontent?

From recent experience, I would say a general unhappiness with surrounding situations, circumstances, and people is the very characterization of malcontentedness.

For, I find myself increasingly restless with who I am, how I live my life, and where I will go from here. It is becoming more and more apparent to me that I need to take wing, and do something more, or even something different with my life.

And everyday, the feeling grows stronger and stronger.
I start to feel as though I may be suffocating where I am.
I am desperately scratching away the surface, the facade that seems to have glued me to this spot.

Wherever I am, truth is hidden. I'm walking a path where I feel alone and unsure.
While I desperately long to be close to people, to share my hopes, dreams, and fears, I am more frightened of the vulnerability that follows.

Perhaps I have lost my ability to relate to people deeply and profoundly.
Perhaps I have grown out of the habit of caring for other people.
Perhaps I decaying in myself, disintegrating in who I think I should be.

But for whatever, my mind is convinced that being away from here, away from who I am and how things are, will save my sanity.

Far below the surface, my heart speaks up and disagrees, telling me I can only be happy when I accept what life has given me.