The Character Flaws

We all have these not so charming character flaws that we will undoubtedly carry with us as a part of our persona, for all of our lives.
They are as inherent to us as breathing.
We criticize without second thought, judging as spontaneously as we breathe.
We procrastinate, putting off things that need to be completed for another day, then fall behind in our tasks, often blaming others.
We jump to conclusions, act out of anger, are impatient, our selfishness consumes us through and through, and we lack virtues and play with our vices.

My personal hubris--lack of self discipline.
Even the smallest deviation from the routine I have set for myself end in disastrous results. It may be work related, with shirking responsibilities that require completion. But mostly, my lack of self discipline is obvious in my personal life.
Unless I stay vigilant with my sleeping and waking, unless I monitor everything I eat, and unless I force myself to go out and run no matter how tired I may feel, I fall behind on the wayside of binging and laziness.

The most frustrating thing about character flaws in that we will fight them for our entire lives. They never depart from us, and we are forever lost in this inner struggle that at times is easy, and at times the most difficult thing we face. We may win one battle of selfishness, greed, or gluttony, but the next day, week, month, year, we face the same problems. We fight to be kind, to be patient, to show sympathy, to be self disciplined, to be good.

It's depressing to think that while we carry at common grace that we display at times to our fellow men, at heart we have the ability to carry murder and jealousy as old as Cain and Abel.

Being aware of the flaws we have is a step in the right direction, but it is not enough. It's in the daily struggle, the daily fight to be a better person, that we find ourselves.
It is in falling down and admitting, "I can't get up without Your help...I won't get up without Your help...I won't go without You beside me...", yes it is in those moments that we can change. We might carry the ability to rude, hurtful, boastful, and proud, but we reject that ability and opt to live a changed person.

Of course it isn't easy to change our character, and we'll always fight with who we are, but it's the fighting that makes us who we are.

Time

Time performs a myriad of wonders.

The hurts that people have inflicted on us dull and deaden as time passes.
For most people, time stamps out passion and hopes that we have deep down. On many occasions time leads us to the brink of despair, as we wait for something, someone to happen into our lives.

But it also wisens us.
As we grow older, we recognize the frailty of our bodies and our natures.
We become temperate with our responses to others, less likely to fly off the handles in a trajectory nature.

We also develop a sense of who we are more fully, and are less dependent on others opinions.
Even at our workplaces, the length of time we spend there affects our performance. We become adept at doing certain duties, and can find a type of safety in our ability to work well.

While time teaches us, ages us, gives us wisdom, there are those who are affected by time, who live as though they are immortal, who never change or mature, and who are static in their behaviour.

Oh the frustration

Probably the most frustrating thing you will experience in your life is owning a car.

Sure, your kids will drive you crazy with all their questions and antics, especially when you're tired and needing the couch more than anything.

Your dog might drive you crazy when he pees on the rug, chews your favourite black leather shoes, and digs meteor-sized craters in your freshly sod lawn.

Your boss might drive you crazy when he asks you to do a job you've already completed, or when she appears to do less work than you and still gets paid more.

And guaranteed, your significant other will inevitably drive you crazy with their little quirks and often times annoying habits that may irk you more than necessary.

But the most frustrating thing, yes the situation that will drive you crazy more than anything else is your car.

Hear me out.
We sink thousands of dollars into vehicles. We treat them with care, changing their oil, fueling up, washing, polishing, and spending money to keep them running smoothly.

And yet, for no good reason, despite our attempts to drive clean, to economize and have a smaller car, to be environment friendly and carpool...our cars misbehave, and we just can't understand it.

I can't look at my car and diagnose the problem. I can't talk to it and try to understand what it's feeling. Unlike humans, I can't suss out the problem through trial and error, fighting and tears.

In some ways, cars are like people that we are in relationships with.

It's an endless struggle to understand them. We fight for them, pour time and energy into them, and wait for them because we know that they are worth it. But often times, they can't reciprocate how much we've given to them, and that's when The Question is raised.

Is it worth it? Is the vehicle worth it?

Is that person worth it? Are the tears worth it?

Needless to say, it's difficult to chart what our reactions should be. It's impossible to apply the same solution to each problem.

For the car problem--check it in. Take your ride to the repair shop and get it diagnosed.

To the problems of the heart--bear it. Sadness is a much a part of life as joy and happiness, and it will come regardless of the choices we make.

many things**

I have had so many thoughts as of late that I have simply not bothered to jot down anywhere.
For whatever reason, I have this strange need to only blog on this laptop, so now I rarely get around to blogging. I think I just prefer the sound and feel of the keyboard on the laptop...whatever the case may be (oooo...LOST deja vu), I finally am now sitting down to churn out some ideas that I've been thinking of lately.
Perhaps, not so much ideas but just random thoughts that refuse to exit.

I surprised the other day, walking to my car after a thirteen hour work shift, I was surprised by how lonely I felt. It was as though this sweeping emotion of loneliness just flooded my being, and for no reason that I could pinpoint. Then, later in the week, again jogging with M along the lakeside, I turned and saw a clouded sunset, with a small opening in the clouds through which the sunshine peered out, almost tentatively, as if to say a soft goodbye. Again, the loneliness that I experienced returned as I stood on the concrete tarmac and gazed at this sunset that I felt no one else was giving just due.

Perhaps it's my lack of exercise of late, but I feel I have abandoned my work out regime. I haven't rollerbladed in weeks and only went for one jog, and two walks. Jogging and walking...it makes you feel like you're going somewhere...not stuck in the standstill of life, that is almost suffocating at times.

Fishermen

There is no breed in the world like the fisherman.
I thought about this yesterday as I walked M down by the marina, the dock being lined with fishermen casting out their lines.

It's a pointless feat here. You can't/shouldn't consume the fish because the water isn't clean enough for safe fishing.
They sit for hours, waiting patiently for a nibble.
After struggling to reel the fish in (and some of the catfish are quite large), they examine it, and then proceed to throw it back into the water. The fish swims away, perhaps a little traumatized, but otherwise unharmed.

So the cycle continues...fish for several hours, catch a fish, throw it back into the water.

Not only is a redundant "sport", I'm not convinced it's even a sport! How much finesse and talent does it take to stand there with a pole in hand, waiting for something to nibble on the bait?

Perhaps it's not in the action that the talent lies...it's in the inaction. The patience that is cultivated from waiting, the ability to sit for hours at alert...it all combines into developing a fisherman's attitude.

The fisherman's attitude is this--the next catch could be gold. The next fish reeled in could surpass all weight and size records. The next fish reeled in could make for a solid dinner. Even though they may throw the fish back in, they settle down and wait for the next one, displaying endurance.

We aren't always like that in our attitude toward life. Sometimes we don't want to wait for the right "fish". We may become impatient, wanting instant gratification, unable to learn the art of casting off repeatedly.

I believe we can learn from fishermen. Even though it may not be a real "sport".

Finally.

I purchased an external hard drive to move my files onto. I was getting sick and tired of having to burn DVDs to keep the storage on my computer relatively low. So far, it seems to be fine. I did not find it to be exorbitantly expensive. In fact, the prices of technology have fallen as newer technology is being marketed.


Is it not odd that we take so many things for granted?
We drive our cars everyday, relying on the brakes to work, the gas to properly fuel the engine.
We log on to the interweb from the comfort of our home, and though many people are unable to explain the dynamics of the internet itself, we utilize it every day.
We expect hot water to come from our taps, our toilets to flush, the clothes dryer to dry out our clothes.
Do we pause to think how wondrous it is to have running water, and toilets that flush?
Are we so civilized and westernized that we expect, anticipate these things?

The Antonym

As strongly and as firmly as I believe in the power of love, there's this other side that sings along joyfully with Good Charlotte--

Everybody, throw up your hands, say "I don't wanna be in love, I don't wanna be in love"

Because understandably, love is painful and at times we want to avoid it at all costs. It's as though we as a uniform group of people are agreeing that enough is enough, love is too hard, and we don't want any of it anymore.

Feel the beat now, if you've got nothing left, say "I don't wanna be in love, I don't wanna be in love"

So, although there is a part of every person that secretly desires to be loved and cared for, there is also this lurking feeling that love may not come, and when it does, it may not be as we expected it to be. Thus, it's easier for us to simply reject the notion of love, state that we don't need it, and live without being vulnerable to others.