Life Is Unexpected.

It does not take the twists and turns that we anticipate.

Our well crafted and intrinsic plans are more than often dispensed with.

It's impossible to predict the choices we will make in the future, impossible to predict where we will end up.

In our minds we have preconceived notions that things are going to be a certain way, and when those notions are thrown out the window, we are surprised and sometimes hurt that things did not go the way we thought they would.

The unexpected can be wonderful and challenging, but it can also leave feelings of remorse and sadness that we have not made the best of life, but built who we are around how we think we should be.

What if we could predict our futures? What if we could see the paths life will lead us down, tricky and twisty, through valleys and mountains?

Would that make living easier? Would it detract from the fun of life? Would being unsurprised help us cope with life better?

If you're struggling with understanding why your life has taken to the place where you are now, be comforted--as I am--by this beautiful passage:

O Lord, You have searched me and You know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
Your perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down:
You are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue You know it completely, O Lord.
Ps. 139:1-4

Stay

If I build a wall a hundred feet tall
Would that keep you in?

If I shackled your feet
so you couldn't leave
Would you try and run?

If I promise not to fight--
at least not tonight,
Would you stay tonight?

If I wore that little dress
that you like the best
Would you pass my test?

Would you stay?
Would you stay with me?

If I poured another drink
what would you think
About staying in?

If I was sincere
and whispered my fears
Would you still be here?

Would you stay?
Would you stay with me?
Would you stay?
Would you stay with me, with me?

If I build a wall
a hundred feet tall
would that keep you in?

Sight/Sound/Touch/Smell/Taste

Sensations are what humans are all about. What we can feel, see, taste, hear, and smell are what we live for. Whether it's the scent of flowers, food, soap, or even another body; whether it's the touch of someone we love holding us; whether it's beauty that overwhelms our vision and amazes us--what we can sense, those sensations are what we live for in one way or another.

The oddest sensations presented themselves to me tonight. The smooth steel of a bra fastener, the perfectly aligned patterns on the wall, the smell of hair wax emanating from a small container, the soft almost hesitant breeze that flows the room lightly stirring the curtains, and the thought-provoking sound of music the speaks to the soul and deepest recesses of the mind.

Who we are can be partially defined by the senses that attract us, the things we take time to notice, that which catches our attention. Whether it's the pleasant clackety-clack of the keyboard, the odor of frying onions and ground beef wafting up the stairs, or the touch of soft cotton against the skin...what we enjoy the most in life would be impossible without our senses.

The next time you jingle those smooth, symmetrical, car keys in your pockets; the next time you run your fingers through your ruffled, soft, hair; the next bite into your favourite meal; the next time you hear that soul-stirring songs that seems to have been written just for you...please think about the sensations you love, and gift of sense that we take for granted.

Documentation

If I had to pick one word that embodies my job and in essence, the hospital itself, I would pick the word documentation.

I thought about this at work today. Everything that we do is signed and cosigned. Every movement that patient makes is charted...the bowel movements are categorized and explained, the urine measured carefully and often sent to the lab for cultures. Basically any significant movements or occurrences among the patients is documented in one way or another.

I document what they eat, what room and bed they're in, the time they admitted and the time they are discharged. When they leave the ward for a few minutes, it's recorded. Almost everything we do seems to be for posterity sake.

In many ways it does become tiring and boring. Recording the similar information day after day is tiresome.

But, it's like life. Everyday we repeat tasks and actions. The repetition is almost part of who we are.

Not sure, where I was going with this. I felt in a contemplative mood until I actually started writing. It's as though I can no longer freely describe thoughts and ideas without fear of being judged or condemned.

That is all, I suppose.

The Feelings/Memories

I believe myself to be the type of person that hangs onto sensory perception above all else.

I wandered into the washroom last night around one-something a.m., the lights all turned off, only the soft glow from the rain-laden clouds shining. As I stood there, a strong breeze blew into the washroom through the open window, and I could the swishing of the trees outside the window.

The sound of the trees rustling and moving in the wind jolted me back to camping, laying in the tent on my bed, the wind blowing through the mesh roof and cooling me, the sound of the trees so strong they reminded me of the cars driving in the city.

It was odd how in that *snap* of a second, I was transported the little washroom in the attic to the spaces outdoors, the feeling carrying me over time and distance.

This actually occurs often to me. I'll be somewhere, hearing something, be reminded of a memory or a moment in the past, and quickly I will suddenly feel everything that I felt at that moment.

What people learn to do is compartmentalize. They learn how to put everything in certain areas of their brains, boxing away things they would rather not remember, or memories that seem worthless to them. It's harder to jolt them into the past, harder to remind them of experiences they have been. Sometimes it is because those experiences were not positive ones, and had an adverse affect on them. Sometimes it is because they as an individual and personality choose to dwell on the future, rather than the past. But for whatever the reason, they are missing out many wonderful moments in life.

The memory of being a child, locked in a bathroom in a strange house, is scary yet vivid, and feel so real. Though it occurred years and years ago, I can remember that moment clearly to this day.

Other strange memories will sometimes pop out...hopping the white-washed wide stairs that led up and down the strange streets of Amman. The taste of white bread with Kraft smooth peanut butter, and the bright green lid of the peanut butter jar. Laying underneath the pew at church and staring at the designs above. The smell of Second Cup reminds me of my first day of work there. Little remembrances flare up, triggered by external occurrences.

What a joy it is to have memory, to know who one is, and to be able to look forward with contentment and hope to making more memories in the future.

What Drives Me Crazy.

I've been having these unfortunate days where anything and everything seems to rub me the wrong way. Things people say, their habits and little tics, and the general way of the world makes me insane with annoyance.

The things that make me frustrated are minute.
Yesterday it was the way a coworker was pronouncing words. It was the smell of someone's perfume (far too musky), the lights, and the histrionics of some folks.
After spending time at work where things seem to be the most irksome, I usually return home in a terrible mood.

Imagine if you can, being stuck in an area with people who do make your skin crawl and who irk you with every single thing that they do.
How do you deal?