It's weird, crazy, unfathomable, and reasonless, but we often--no, mostly--see ourselves in a completely different manner than how others, those around us, see us.

I'm not talking about a facade that we intentionally put up to deceive others into seeing us a certain way. No, I'm simply referring to conditions that we often find ourselves in, that we see a certain way, and that others see in a very different way.

Okay, that sounds rather obscure and ridiculous, so let me use an example. People who are suffering from cancer (or some other type of disease/malady) often see themselves are pathetic weak people who are lost in this world of sickness. They are convinced that people view them this way as well--simply as walking illness. But the fact is, most people don't. We see people suffering from cancer as more than a simple one-dimensional person and situation...everything is layered and bottomless with it's explicable repercussions.

The connections we all have to each other need to be deeper than they are. There shouldn't be an elevator full of people who won't look each other in the eye and who avoid talking to each other. There shouldn't be these walls that society has ingrained in us.

We're just here for a small amount of time, and we waste that time worrying about how others see us, or whether we are following the "protocol" of life and behaviour. We need to let go of the restricting mannerisms that we impose on ourselves and simply live freely, joyfully, happily.

(NOTE: This doesn't mean it's alright to go about perpetrating criminal acts.)

I know I got lost between my starting point and now,
but I suppose I really do believe that this all linked.

Get out there and open yourself up.

I feel that I could very well refrain from posting on here for several months,
and still have nothing new to report when I return.
That is how slowly I feel my life moves.
It is something similar to molasses on a cold day in January.
And yes, it has been cold.
As a child I always found the winter to be an enjoyable time.
It consisted of playing outdoors in the snow,
until soaking wet and tired.
It meant hot chocolate in the night,
snow days,
and Christmas.
Today, I find that Christmas comes too quickly,
hot chocolate is fattening,
work is what exhausts me,
and snow is too cold.
Perhaps life does change quicker than anticipated.
A mere 10 years ago,
I would be outside, gavorting with the others.
Today the snow will be hindrance driving to work,
and the cold will make me long for spring.
Life does change.

I keep listening to this one song over and over again.

It’s a repetition in my mind that touches not only my physical sense of hearing, but touches my emotions.

It’s so strange...as if on cue, each time the song begins and strengthens into itself, these tears just form behind my eyes.

Nothing so dramatic such as sobbing or obvious waves of grief...just this small nagging relentless feeling that I will never be able to have what I want from life.

What do I want?

I want something beautiful to call my own. I want surety. I want strength that lifts me up from depths of despair. I want a man who will look at me as though I am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen in the world.

I want a man who will still be in love with me after years of marriage, years that have taken their toll in less that attractive ways.

So superficial of me...but I want a man who looks beautiful. I want someone who I will not ever be ashamed of, who is not only good first and foremost on the inside...but also good on the outside.

For so long I have castigated people who place looks and appearances on a pedestal, and so I strive not to do so, but with adulthood and maturity comes this undeniable awareness of the fact that physical attraction is important and necessary to relationships.

I get ahead of myself.
I want the best from life, the best that I can offer.
I do not want to come to the ending of my life and regret things I have never had, things I have never done.

Alhough I am sure that I sound very superficial and selfish, I simply want to look at something beautiful and wonderful the rest of my life. That is all.

It is one of the reasons that I have lately been pushing myself for. I can barely expect someone attractive looking to be interested in a mediocre person as myself. T hus, here I am, genuinely trying to better myself and at the same time, superficially wondering if someone out there is bettering themselves for me.

As this is new years eve, and another new year will soon be approaching, I make these selfish plans to change myself in order to better attract people. I have decided that I will be a better person in more than one way, and that although I still cling to the hopeful belief that charcter is much more important than looks, I realize with sadness that the world disagrees.