the beginning.

I do feel rather and very overwhelmed right now,

the rather an attempt to calm myself from the work that is ahead of me,

work translation: operation clean and pack room.

Standing in the face of the storm that has encompassed my room, I have now made a promise to myself--I will never let my room, or any room of my apartment/house/future settlements sink to such a disastrous level.

It feels almost post-apocalyptic...a shattered picture frame wedged snugly under a leg castor crumbles to shiny splinters of glass, receipts from years past yellowing and faded litter the ground, mounds of clothes topple over, and dust floats in the air as snow mid-January in Canada.

I've started scratching a path through the mess and am slowly making trail lines in and out.  I'm sure that this foray will turn up several items that have been missing for the past few months, even years.

I shall keep you posted.

Varying Degrees of Change

We have this strange expectation that when things change it is going to happen drastically all at once, and that we will be surprised and confounded by the changes in our life.

I guess the thing is...it doesn't really happen that way at all...not usually anyway.

Things just creep up on you, until it feels like you just wake up and realize that things have changed around you.

It's probably a blessing in disguise. Drastic changes usually adversely affect us. We're not built to handle stress, worry, and concern.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, except that I feel as though I am facing changes head on, not with eyes shut. It's the first I've done this so it feels a bit odd and I'm not sure how things will progress, but I will update with my craziness and rambling.

The world sucks.

So so so many thoughts whirling around in my head right now, but what I can mainly think about and wonder about is how the world that we live and the people we live besides can be so evil and cruel.
How can "love" drive us to hate each other? How can we hurt and betray humankind?
How did the Germans justify the genocide of the Jews? How did they, in the their minds, tolerate the mind-numbing hurt and pain that they put those prisoners in concentration camps through?
Is it not scary how quickly and thoroughly we can be converted to believing something that is so far from the truth, it is completely unrecognizable?
Is it not frightening, the capacity that we each have in ourselves, to damage and tear apart those around us? Skin is just skin, a breathing organ that tears with external force and causes us to bleed, and even deeper is the heart that is metaphysical and can be hurt far worse than our epidermis.
Why do people continually opt to bring a child into this world, that has the ability to damage and cause so much pain? Are the brief moments of joy worth subjecting someone to the cruel and harsh truths that glare at us through the tomes of history?
Will we ever learn from our mistakes? How do we continue to make the some mistakes and choices over and over again? How can people torture other people and enjoy their screaming and tears? How is possible for goodness and evil to flourish together?
It's almost a curse, really, to grow up. True you might experience life far more fully than you did as a child, but is the loss of innocence worth it? As a child you might look up at black smoke in the air and imagine someone in the forest with a comfortable campfire to keep them warm. As an adult you realize that the ominous black spirals of smoke are not campfires around which a group of campers huddle to cook their meals...the truth of crematoriums and burnt bodies cannot escape your mind.
There is a definite wonder and joy in life and being able to enjoy and utilize our senses as we should, but always there is this awareness at the back of our minds...that something dark is in the shadows all around us, and it will never truly be gone.
I wish the world would open up its eyes and see what it has become...twisted by wars, famine, epidemics, death...It has become a place where dream are possible...but so are nightmares.

A Survey

I hate to use this blog to write up insipid surveys, but I'm bored and I don't feel like posting it all over Facebook. So here goes...



Does your Facebook password have to do with a person?: Not at all.

What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them?: Besides sharing religious beliefs, being humourous/dynamic.

Big or small purses?: Definitely big. The bigger, the better.

Do you enjoy drama?: Drama as in gossip etc. is a no go.

Did you dress up on Halloween?: Not usually. I dressed up two years ago, but I'm into it.

Do you call anybody by their last name?: Yep, a few people. Not many though.

Can you put on mascara without opening your mouth?: Yes, easily. And I can also put on my eyeliner with one hands. Skillz yo.

Have you ever been called a bad influence?: Yes, definitely.

Eyeliner or mascara?: If I HAD to choose, eyeliner.

American Eagle or Hollister?: AE. They have great purses.

Heels or Flats?: It depends on the outfit, of course.

Straight or curly hair?: My hair is curly/wavy but I like both.

Hoops or dangling earrings?: Dangly.

Have you ever had your heart broken?: Yes...who hasn't?

Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?: That doesn't matter.

Ever walked into the guy's bathroom?: Yes. And seen things. Kill me now.

Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?: I've been pushed in.

Ever slapped a guy in the face?: Yes, a few times.

Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?: Of courseee.

Do you ever wish you were famous?: Nope.


IN A BOY:

Contacts or Glasses?: It doesn't matter.

Long or short hair?: It doesn't matter.

Cute or Hot?: It doesn't matter.

Smoker or non-smoker?: Smoking is very bad for you, okay?

Tall or short?: Tall preferably.

You're stuck on an elevator with the person you've fallen the hardest for, what happens? Probably just make small talk.

Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?: Hopefully nothing.


RANDOMS:

If you woke up in one of the Saw movies, do you think you could survive?: Ha, does anyone ever survive those movies? And probably not.

When is the last time you were in a photo booth taking pictures with friend?: Yearsss ago.

Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided seeing them?: Heck yes. At least once a week.

Do you know anyone with such a terribly annoying voice that you can't even stand it?: Yep yep yep.

On average, what do you think you cry about the most? Self-pity.

Who was the last guy you talked to?: Joseph.

Do you think best friends can be replaced?: No. But they can leave.

Does the last person you held hands with mean a lot? Everyone means a lot ;)

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?: Yes, but I think you rarely expect it to be that certain person.

Which of your friends is the easiest to talk to?: I can talk easily with most people.

What friend do you tell the most?: None.

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? A few people last Sunday afternoon.

Wheres the weirdest place you've changed clothes?: Hahaha oh man this reminds me of vacations last year, when I changed in a variety store parking lot standing beside my car. :|

Are you going anywhere next summer?: CAMPING!!!

Are you waiting for anyone's call right now?: Nope...

Are you shy?: NEVER.

Are you talkative?: Yesss...I never shut up.

Do you announce when you have to pee?: Sometimes. It depends on whom I am with and the circumstances.

Who was the last person you cried in front of?: Kristina P.

Where was the last place you went away to?: I don't know what means. I just went to the mall with a sister...