SOC (stream of conscious)

Pretend I'm invisible,

pretend I don't exist,

but don't glance my way

don't look in my direction

don't share a quick look.

Just stop.

I would be so much better,

so much happier without the tastes,

without the snatches of him.

Take the questions

take the curiousity out of your eyes.

Walk out of the door of my life,

and please close it behind you.

a new one

from you to me
from i to you
strange how
it never comes true.
how my dream
feels surreal:
haunts me when
i close my eyes
and nothing
is as true to me
as those little
white lies
i tell myself to
stay alive and
keep from free
falling, but life
won't let you live
a lie,
catching you up
in it's truthful tide;
waves
of feelings when i
hear you calling
worst of all
is all consuming
emptiness
that makes you
pause and wonder:
what is life if we are
left alone to wonder
through time with
out another beating
heart close to ours?
or worse, torn
asunder--been
give that little drug,
taste of what
could be, then
denied it again.
keep thinking,
'time heals all wounds'

Hope

This is the trouble, the crazy thing about life.  Hope.

Even though we may be torn apart and the situation may seem irredeemable,  we still somehow manage deep inside of us to hope that things will sort themselves, and eventually the situation will turn into something beautiful or healthy.

I think of all those people in WWII who waited and waited and hoped for their freedom.  They somehow managed to believe that change would have to occur, because that was all they had.

So what if I have nothing, and hope is all that have?  Will I have spend all this time waiting and hoping for things to change?

Because even though hope is what keeps us alive, and keeps us looking forward to the future, sometimes to me it simply feels like torture.  Hope feels me with "what coulds" and "what ifs", where I would prefer there to be no expectations.

Expectations mean that you will inevitable be let down (especially by other people), and nothing hurts more than the let down, even if it as gentle as possible.

Even though I try to quench the hope, it still dreams and beat underneath the surface of my being.  As I drive my car to nowhere hoping to escape from everything, underneath there is this niggling hope that things will get better and that I will find a way to or from this problem.  

What do we have if we  don't have hope?  I think just a bleak, unimaginative future that presents no surprise or possibilities.  What do we have when we do have hope?  We have this ever growing belief that circumstances will improve.

I can't which one I would choose, if I could choose. 

old poetry

I yanked out some old journals last night and went for a trip down memory lane.

Even though most of the poetry that I have written is a direct byproduct of a relationship or friendship gone sour/remaining stagnant, everything I wrote is still so powerful to me personally. 

Here are a couple poems that I found scribbled in barely legible writing, as if the words needed to spill out faster than I could write.

"free flowing"

is me pouring out on you

all i am.

words falling away

and drifting towards you-

you run.

afraid of me.

afraid of truth.

afraid of life.

free flowing is the fear

of you,

your fear of me-

our fear

pushing us

apart.

"in the quiet"

here without you in the quiet,

this place of loneliness i

wait, wanting you to be

here with me.

here in the quiet, i feel

you deep and know i am

missing you, loving you,

needing you.

here in the quiet, in the

long dark silences, in the

dreams that wake me in

desperation...

in the quiet

without you

i will wait here.

Good Friday

All for love the Father gave
For only love could make a way
All for the love the heavens cried
For Love was crucified

Oh, how many times
Have I broken Your heart?
Still you forgive
If only I ask
And how many times have You heard me pray,
"Draw near to me"

Everything I need is You
My beginning, my forever
Everything I need is You

Let me sing "all for love"
And I will join the angel song
Ever holy is the Lord
King of Glory
King of all

Oh, how many times
Have I broken Your heart?
Still Your forgive
If only I ask
And how many times have You heard me pray
"Draw near to me"

Everything I need is You
my beginning, my forever
Everything I need is You

All for love a Saviour prayed:
"Abba Father, have Your way
Though they know not what they do
Let the cross draw men to you"


[All For Love]Hillsong United




Good Friday is truly a time for meditation and pondering on the gift of grace and life that Christ has given us with his remarkable sacrifice.
As it says in the Bible, it's so easy to sacrifice yourself for someone good who is of some worth. How much harder it is to do so for someone who is despicable.
However, the grace of God looks past our sins and weaknesses and judges us all equal...sinners in need of a Saviour.
Take this moment, even if you do not believe in Jesus/God...take this moment to think of the sacrifices that people have made, modeling that choice upon the greatest sacrifice of all...Jesus.

Sketches of the Mind

I'm on a Hedley kick, by the way.

Lately I've been listening to "Trip" over and over and over again...

Packing those boxes in faith totally worked.

I found an apartment and I move in on May 1st.

||Woah,

what are you doing to me?

I'm so into you and the hardest part is knowing that I'll never follow through.

You're slowly killing me,

and I wish it wasn't true...

Cos I'm so into you.||

<3

I'm excited and scared.

The combination is almost heady.

a bad dream - keane

why do i have to fly

over every town

up and down the line?

i'll die in the clouds above

and you that i defend,

i do not love.

i wake up,

it's a bad dream

no one on my side

i was fighting

but i just feel too tired to be fighting

guess i'm not the fighting kind.

where will i meet my fate?

baby i'm a man

i was born to hate.

and where will i meet my end?

in a better time you could my friend

i wake up

 it's a bad dream

no one on my side

i was fighting

but i just feel too tired to be fighting

guess i'm not fighting the kind

wouldn't mind it

if you were by my  side

but you're long gone

yeah you're long gone

yeah

where do we go?

i don't even know

my strange old face

and i'm thinking about those days

and i'm thinking about those days

i wake up

it's a bad dream

no one on my side

i was fighting

but i just feel too tired to be fighting

guess i'm not the fighting kind

wouldn't mind it 

if you were by my side

but you're long gone

yeah you're long gone

yeah