A Changed Life

Happy Love Day!

2012-02-13T17:53:00.000-05:00

Let your love be like the misty rains, coming softly, but flooding the river. ~Malagasy Proverb

February 14: the day that many people dread and claim to be a "fake holiday". In some ways I do still feel cynical, as the fact that we apparently need one day a year to tell the person we love that they matter to us rubs me the wrong way. What is it about planning that one day to be obvious in our affections to each other that just seems so wrong??? Why aren't we taking every day in our relationships to say "I love you" with our actions or our words?

The reality of it is: when I first started dating M and it became we were very serious about each other, I found swelling in my heart this new feeling, that I loved M so deeply and intensely, as if I am the only person who has ever loved someone with such strength. While I felt that with my heart, I knew in my head that such a notion is ridiculous. Each and every person in their relationships at some point convinces themselves that what they are experiencing in the greatest and highest point of their life. Nothing else can compare.

Yet, perhaps what I should do is not discredit my relationship with M or the extent of my feelings, but continue to remain faithful in my love and fidelity. I know in many ways I can be a heart breaker--not that I am desired by many men and have broken dozens of hearts, but rather that I often lack compassion for M and fail in the way I treat him, with insensitivity and love.

Of my many prayers for 2012, I pray that we will all find love amongst each other and that our love which begins as a small seed will grow and be nourished. May God give us wisdom as we seeks answers to difficult situations, patience when things aren't going our way, compassion for the pain our lovers may have in their past or present...May God grant us love.

New Photos!

2012-02-09T20:10:00.000-05:00

To cheer me up!

Hard times.

2012-02-09T19:59:00.000-05:00

Chili kept me up all night. I tossed and turned until two a.m. and I wasn't the only victim. M lay beside me in bed and stared at the ceiling, we talked a bit on secrets and life lessons, I heard S walking up and down the hallway a few times and there you have it...the chili made sleepless minions of us all.

Or perhaps I'm too hasty in blaming the innocent spicy tomato stew. Maybe it was the fact that we had just signed a new lease for a different apartment that has me all knotted and twisted up inside. Whatever it was, I contemplated for a few hours the decisions we have made in the past week and the ones I have been forced to make today and in the near future.

For to start with, I am still paying off the debt of my teenage years. I settled with one credit card company late in 2011 for a mere fraction of what I should have paid. Wonderful. Then today I call back my second credit card to make a settlement and am told that A) I won't have such a great settlement and B) I have to pay it off very quickly. Any joy I felt over procuring a new apartment has melted away.

Also on top of the new payments, I also feel like I've been taken for a ride by our landlord. I really don't want to pay the $835 for our month of rent in March, but I have this feeling that it will be a bite in the ass if we don't. M thinks we should just say, "Eff this! Evict us!", but I feel reluctant to do so as my name is the one on the lease and I would be the one incurring any possible legal action and fees.

I've had to make the tough decision to take my car off the road for four months in order to balance the budget and make allowances for a new apartment and this credit card payment. I feel bereft, as though I have nothing. I haven't had a computer since last September. I won't have a car anymore. I probably won't be hooking up the Internet at the new apartment because I don't have a computer, so what's the point?

Everything is gone. Sometimes I wonder if God is punishing me for the lifestyle I am living, for the choices I have made, but then I think...there are people who are horrible and they are make it by so why can't I? Is God really so malignant and angry at me or other people? Does He wish evil upon those who don't obey Him?

I don't know. It's hard to know exactly. What I can say with certainty is that I am going out for my last meal tomorrow before I start saving and it will be sushi with family and lovers. My favourite kind!

Love even during hard times.

Things I Will Never Understand

2012-02-02T20:20:00.000-05:00

My boyfriend. He is a great boyfriend, don't get me wrong. I obviously love him wholly and completely, but sometimes he does things, sometimes he says things (or remains quiet when he should speak up) and those things just make me facepalm and scream in my head "WHHHHYYYYY?? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHYYYY????" I will never fully understand how guys think...perhaps because their thought processes are less complicated than the emotional turmoil of females, but there you have it: my boyfriend will continue to be a mystery to me, something I at times find exciting and scintillating.
Apartment hunting. Could someone please explain to me why having a quiet, well mannered and house broken dog is proving to be such a huge liability when it comes to renting? As far as I have researched, it is illegal for landlords to refuse renting to tenants who have animals, but that law does not seem to be well enforced, especially on Kijiji. The one apartment that I set my heart on, set in a beautiful old house with high ceilings and hardwood floors, flat out refused us without even asking for an application, all because of my extremely quiet and stealthy greyhound. How is that even fair?? I am a GREAT tenant, always paying my rent cheques on time, have never bounced... It just makes me see red.
Why winter feels so long. This year especially, winter hasn't really been that bad. We've had maybe two large snows, which is nothing compared to the usual Canadian winters we have been lambasted with. January was particularly balmy with temperatures in the pluses...practically an unheard of thing. Anyway, for some reason even though it's nice out, I feel like the winter blues are dragging me down, even more than ever. It's February 2 and I'm wondering how I am going to make it through the next 26 days without slaughtering someone. Winter is really only 3 months long, a 1/4 of a year, and yet it feels like it will never end. Y U NO END, WINTER???
How eating right tastes so wrong. I've been very strict with what I've been eating, especially considering that I am supposed to be running a 5k at the end of March and I am woefully out of shape compared to last year. Anyway, I've been mainly eating cheese, meats and vegetables, a few fruits here and there...I MISS THE CARBS. I've been craving bagels with cream cheese, spaghetti, toast with peanut butter...all those delicious things. It's not even so much cakes and cookies I've been craving...just french bread warm from the bakery...It sucks. And being in this winter funk is making me want those comfort foods so desperately. I reiterate, it sucks. Even worse is the fact that I know with my heart that if I do eat unhealthily, I'll end up hating my self even more. Lose-lose situation.

Those are the four things that I cannot understand right now. Weigh in if you have any thoughts or words of advice!

Room by Emma Donoghue

2012-01-23T19:53:00.000-05:00

“Room” is a captivating novel, no pun intended. The story is told through the unique perspective of five year old Jack who we quickly learn is living a one room: Room, spelled with a capital “R”, a technique repeated through out the book--there is also “Rug”, “Wardrobe” and “Table”. The exact reason why Jack and Ma are living in Room is not immediately explained, but there is an obvious overtone of fear and evil. Jack describes the living situation and their daily tasks in his childish voice, which is probably what makes the novel so compelling.

Without spoiling any future readers, Ma becomes forced to tell Jack the truth about the outer world and he struggles to grasp why the world functions the way it does. Both Ma and Jack are thrust into the harsh realities of a life outside Room, and it becomes apparent that Jack finds the world colder, preferring to be kept captive in Room.

The book is basically split into two sections that I would explain as: Room and Outer World. The first section is interesting but also cringe-worthy at times, such as when we discover that Jack is five but still breast feeds. He counts the creaks of the bed when their captor comes for his nightly visits. One becomes immersed very deeply in their plight in Room.

The second section would perhaps have been better written from the aspect of Jack AND Ma. Instead, the writer opts to remain in Jack’s perspective and write about his understanding of Ma taking pills and trying to fall asleep forever. Being inside of her head after being freed from their prison would probably have been compelling than carrying on simply as Jack. However, I do understand that the driving force of the book is the attempt to view kidnappings from the eyes of the children born in these situations.
The author Emma Donoghue wrote Room while being influenced by stories such as Jaycee Lee Dugard’s, held captive for eighteen years in a man’s backyard. The crime of kidnapping and imprisonment has been a larger topic in our media due to such stories and this book is a reflection of that. I would recommend “Room” as enthralling novel that is very easy to get pulled into, but be warned: the subject is not light even when told through the eyes of a five year old.

too feeling & wisdom teeth

2012-01-18T17:18:00.000-05:00

Since ever and ever, since the beginning of my existence, I have been overflowing with emotion.

I remember as a child, being spanked as punishment for some act of disobedience or defiance, and my greatest dismay was that I could not control my tears. The pain was manageable and was not caused the overflowing and crying...I simply felt too much emotion in the moment. My parents anger and disappointment with me, the actual act of discipline and judgment, and then eventually my dad's putting his arm around my shoulder and hugging me, saying he just wanted me to learn and that he loved me.

For a child, spanking can be a confusing thing and I had enough ups and downs of emotions as it was. As I grew into being a teenager, I began to feel things even more acutely. My clothing didn't reflect the current trends and made me feel inferior to my peers; I could never truly grasp that what mattered was the inside of us, not the exterior clothing and appearance that is judged so quickly. My mother didn't understand me and constantly berated my love and reliance on my friends and not my parents--I suppose she felt slighted by my rejection of her advice and thoughts. Teenagers can be incredibly callous, self centered and selfish.

Now into adulthood, I consider my emotional responses to difficult situations and truths I have faced, from being a child right into "growing up". When I argue with my boyfriend, my first reaction is to start crying, whether I really want to or not. In a way, it feels like a sweet release, but I also experience vulnerability knowing that he has seen me at my worst and knows me through and through.  Sometimes I worry that my crying is a subconscious way of manipulating him to get what I want and perhaps at times it is, but it's also often impossible to stem. I get upset, I cry. Some people get upset and yell or punch things or go for long walks...I cry.

I will never forget wise words I once heard someone say: your emotions should be the caboose of your train, not the engine. When we let our emotions drive us or propel us forward, normally we make stupid choices because we are so caught up in the moment, we aren't thinking rationally and are unable to realize that in a few hours we will most likely feel very differently.  What I would like to achieve in 2012 is less of the crying and saying dumb things rashly and more contemplating my reaction. It's hard to try to change what seems so integral in you, but there it is...growing up and being less feeling and more thoughtful.

On a side note: I had a 3-d xray done a couple years ago of my wisdom teeth. At that point I had an emergent need to get one of them out as it had gone septic. The dentist had mentioned back then that my two lowers were beginning to impact and now I think I'm feeling the full force of it. My jaw is achey, my throat feels swollen and I sometimes feel light-headed from drinking or eating. My gag reflex seems to be triggered constantly and I have headaches every day. This isn't typical for me so I think the teeth are causing something to mess up and I'll have to get another xray done, hopefully this Saturday.

Blegh. It's always one things or another. I just want to feel okay and be myself again. Instead, while I'm sitting in the movie theatre about to watch Tintin in 3-D (wonderful movie btw, definitely a must see), I start to feel light-headed and anxious.   It sucks balls.

Hopefully it'll get sorted out.
Cheers.

The Best of 2011

2012-01-03T17:51:00.000-05:00

As each new year rolls around, we always find ourselves considering the year passed, the things we have accomplished and are proud of, secrets we have kept, new friends we have made, changes and growth, all kinds of experiences both good and bad...

There are a few moments and experiences in 2011 that have stuck with me throughout it all.

-Meeting M. It was not the stuff of fairy tales or romance novels. We met at a bar/club through my brother and things basically moved forward from what could have been a passing moment. Being in a relationship throughout this year has been the most growing and challenging thing I have ever experienced. I have been stretched to my limits with learning to accept M for who he is and becoming more self aware with regards to my own flaws and weaknesses. I am constantly realizing that love is a choice not simply a feeling and it has been quite a journey for both of us.

-Paying off one of my credit cards. My New Years resolution at the beginning of 2011 was to become debt free for 2012. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to completely fulfil that resolution, but I did manage to make a settlement with one of my credit cards companies and paid off the outstanding debt in three whopping bills. It was a very stressful year financially and I have two more cards I need to clear off, but I'm confident now that there is a way to fix these credit issues and 2012 will be the year to become debt free.

-Adopting Licorice. Bringing a new member into the family is both a joy and a time of chaos. Licorice settled reasonably well and although we had one unfortunate episode of explosive diarrhea while driving down the car pool lane on a highway, growing to know Licorice has been an enjoyable and awesome experience. He brings to our little family an excitement and just adds that extra spark. Mr. Cat doesn't know what to do with him half the time...I don't even know what to do with him...but he's fantastic.

-Moving to a beautiful apartment. In February of 2011, my sister and I moved to a wonderful, spacious, brightly lit apartment closer to my work. It now takes both of us three minutes to walk across the street and to our work places, which is awesome for early morning shifts. Roll outta bed, brush the hair, slap on some light make up and waddle over to the hospital. On top of that, we have a trail the runs along the edge of the escarpment where Licorice gets his walks and we're close to the downtown stores and restaurants. When I was younger I always had this idea in my head of what I wanted from life and it was strange because it consisted of concepts like living in a walk up apartment in a trendy neighbourhood. It's not exactly trendy like Locke St or James St N, but the area I live in is very nice, I have a beautiful apartment (it IS a walk up) and I'm sad to report that they are converting our apartments into condos and soon I will be forced to find a new place to live.
Sadness...lots of sadness. Usually once a day I go on Kijiji and try to find places to look at, but I have been forced to admit that I probably will never find another apartment as beautiful as my current one. Depressing but true.

Those are the main highlights of this past year. I know it doesn't seem like much, but for someone like me, this has been a year of big changes and experiences for me. Here's to 2012 and more growth!

Willow Tree

2011-12-30T17:46:00.000-05:00

A pencil sketch by yours truly. Nothing exciting.

2011-12-28T17:07:00.000-05:00

Happy (almost) New Year!

So much has changed since this time in 2010. I remember not having any firm New Year plans, then going over to my friend's house and realizing all over again that New Years means nothing unless you're spending it with someone or people that you love.

In 2010 I was lost and wandering, unhappy with the life I was leading and mistakes I kept making, but feeling powerless to stop myself or find another path to take. I found contentment in the strangest place, with someone I had no relationship with and who inexplicably fell fully into my life. We woke up the first morning together and the sun shone so brilliantly through my bedroom window.
If I could sum up 2011 in a few words it would be: new experiences. The entire year feels like a time of experiencing new things that I have never felt or imagined before. Instead of facing another year with trepidation, I look forward to what is to come, the journeys that are ahead, a bit frightening because they are unforeseeable, yet also exciting.

The animals make me laugh and help me remember that our lives are short and it truly is the little things that count. Their song and dance with each other, scratching and fighting, Licorice accidentally stepping on Mr. Cat, Mr. Cat fighting back with his claws and then discovering them sleeping together...it amuses me and makes me grateful for my wonderful little family.

My boyfriend reminds me that we come into love not necessarily deserving all the great things it has to offer, but yet being given so much by grace. Surely there is nothing greater than that: receiving what is ultimately a gift from each other. He is my namaste.

Life reminds me that we have the power to choose what we want from it. We are not bound to one path or one decision that will carve out a future beyond our control...we are not powerless in the face of the unknown. All that we can do is exist in the here and now and experience the beautiful and terrible things that life gives us. I struggle with this acceptance a lot, with regards to losing weight and looking "beautiful". Sometimes it feels like my body is beyond my control and I feel frightened and scared by that concept, but the reality is that I have the power to change my body and to grow in becoming more comfortable within my skin. My personal challenge to myself for 2012 is to run the 5k Around-The-Bay Race and continue working on my physical fitness levels.

That is all I have today. I pray and hope that 2012 will be a challenging and fruitful time for myself and for you.
~Peace

End Of The Year Reads

2011-12-26T13:36:00.002-05:00

Not My Daughter by Barbara Delinsky
I compare Delinsky's novels in my mind to Nora Roberts, Nicholas Sparks and Jodie Picoult. They appeal to a specific type of reader, one that enjoys a little bit of light entertainment, a gentle story. To be honest, I shouldn't even have this book on my list as I couldn't force myself to finish it.
It starts out promisingly enough: a single mother who had a baby at a young age discovers her seventeen year old daughter is pregnant, and even worse, two of her daughter's friends are pregnant as well. They appear to have made pact to bring up their babies together as young single mothers and the entire novel deals with the impact it has on the main character, the older single mother who has tried to raise her daughter to choose a different life style.
Why couldn't I finish it? Frankly, the book was boring and dry. The dialogue between the characters was predictable and unexciting, the descriptions uninspired and generally lack lustre...for such a well known and toted author, I expected more. I expect that will be the first and last Delinsky book I attempt to read.
Without meaning to be condescending or rude, and as I mentioned earlier, her books appeal to certain type of people who haven't stretched their literary limitations. If you enjoy a fast and easy read, I would recommend this book. In the meantime, I'd rather entertain myself with some Berenstein Bears.

The Book Of Negroes by Lawrence Hill
I have never read in depth on the trials of the Africans during the slavery years. Of course I was exposed to some details and watched the mini-series "Roots", so I knew somewhat of how these people suffered, but this read opened my eyes far more to the pain slavery inflicted on this group of people.
"Book of Negroes" takes you on a journey through the eyes of a young woman, captured into slavery while still an adolescent. The book explores what it was like to be a girl becoming an African-American woman when slavery was still considered socially acceptable, even expected.
I don't want to say much about this book because I think it's something that should be picked up and read, but I will say that I found it riveting. I couldn't put it down and even though I was horrified by what the protagonist went through, it was like watching a train wreck or a house burn down: I was unable to tear my eyes away.
I highly recommend this. Fun fact: the author lives in my city! I had no idea until I read his mini-bio on the back cover.

Something For The Pain by Paul Austin
This book was an easy read. In fact, to be honest, most of the books I read during these past few months have been very easy to quickly read, but back on track..."Something For The Pain" is a type of autobiography written by Paul Austin, a doctor who specializes in ER medicine. The book covers the doctor's venture in ER medicine and the different cases he dealt with through his years working in the emergency department. Perhaps the most compelling point of the novel is the changes the author experiences to himself personally while learning how to survive and cope with working evening shifts and handling difficult cases.
If you enjoy medicine related literature, I would recommend this book as a fast read. However, do expect to be moved to tears or to read something profound. Although the author has certainly seen many compelling situations during his work, his words and expressions are rather dry and matter of fact, attesting to his calling as a doctor not writer.

The Birth House by Ami McKay
Bored at work one day, I picked up this in the hospital convenience store for $11 and it was money well spent. "The Birth House" is a story about a young girl named Dora Rare who apprentices with an elderly midwife. She learns how to deliver babies and create and administer home remedies for a various assortment of ailments. The book is rich with descriptions of herbs and medicines that were commonly used in the time era of the early 1900s. Set in Nova Scotia, the book delves in the lives of the farmers and city folk who created homes and futures for themselves despite difficult circumstances.
Dora sees heartbreak and growth, birth and death, happiness and sorrow. The lives that the characters live are stirring and fascinating, especially compared to the current culture we are living in. The novel also touches on the changes the world begins to see, moving from midwives and home births to hospital deliveries in sterilized areas. It was very thought provoking for me as I began to consider how much of our medicine has moved to being sterile and dominated by pharmaceutical companies and doctors and whether that change has been a wholly positive thing.
I can compare "The Birth House" to "Book Of Negroes" in the fact that it also details the journey for a young girl into grown woman, learning the different lessons that life has to offer and becoming wiser with age.
While "The Birth House" has a somewhat feminist sentiment, it's not nauseating or overly preachy. If I could compare "The Birth House" to another series of novels that have a similar feel, it would be L.M. Montgomery's "Anne Of Green Gables" series.
It was a more difficult read, in that the descriptions were sometimes lengthy and monotonous, but I would still recommend this book as a great read--not a must read, but an enjoyable book to pick up if you have some extra time.

The Scent Of Sake by Joyce Lebra

Perusing through the bargain area of Chapters, I saw this book for $4 and grabbed it. It was described as "...a fantastic topic and setting and such strong memorable characters!". To that I say, phooey. The main protagonist, a young Chinese girl named Rie, struggles to run her family's sake business in a male dominated society. The book addresses the changes the Chinese saw within their industrial sector between the 1800s and 1900s.
Although the concept of the book seems interesting enough, it does not deliver. The description of China and it's society seems stiff and dull, as though the author watched a documentary on the topic or read a history book and then copied the knowledge learnt into their novel.
The biggest issue, though, that I found with this novel was the main protagonist with very unsympathetic. There was nothing about her plight that was compelling or moving and I found the book boring and the character dialogue stilted and dry.
I would not recommend this book to anyone. Pass it by.

Then Came You by Jennifer Weiner
Jennifer Weiner has written some of my favourite books, including "Good In Bed" and "In Her Shoes". I decided to visit the library for the first time and months and saw this book on the bestseller express shelf--meaning you have seven days to read and return before you face exorbitant late fines.

"Then Came You" presents the reader with a group of characters and you hope you will love. The novel weaves together four women who each face their own demons and are forced, by circumstances beyond their control, to address those issues. The main premise of the book is a touchy subject: fertility clinics and surrogate mothers. The subject that Weiner attempts to write on is heavy but the book surprisingly is a fluffy and light read, which is probably my least favourite aspect of it. Instead of allowing the reader to emotionally connect and feel what each character is so intensely experiencing, Weiner jumps from aspect to aspect, from the egg donor to the surrogate mother to the infertile wife.

On top of that, Weiner thrusts a lesbian relationship into the book, somehow squeezing it between flashbacks of certain characters, showing what made them who they are. Everything felt forced and too quickly introduced, as though you just begin to understand one character and suddenly you're trying to understand the next. This, I believe, is what makes multiple character narration so tricky to execute in a novel.

All in all, I felt disappointed with the book. I made it to the end and it was much less painful than "The Scent of Sake", but it wasn't a Jennifer Weiner book that I loved. The premise of the novel was brilliant; the execution was poor. My opinion?: borrow it from the library instead of paying for a copy.

Fall Of Giants by Ken Follett

Ken Follett is perhaps one of my favourite authors. I discovered him last summer with the television program created of his novel "Pillars Of The Earth", which I read in less than week while on a camping trip with friends. From there I naturally read the sequel "World Without End" and then went back and read one of his first novels "The Eye Of The Needle" which I also found enthralling.

"Fall Of Giants" is his most recent work, the first in the "Century trilogy" and it did not disappoint! At a whopping 1008 pages, Follett chronicles a time when the world saw the most change--beginning in the early 1900s and continuing on through WWI.

Despite the fact that I majored in history and found the early 1900s the most compelling time to research, I have always been a bit spotty on the causes of WWI and it's ultimate resolution. "Fall Of Giants" more than answered those questions and enlightened me with regards to the political pacts and relationships that ultimately caused WWII. The novel sets the stage of the introduction of WWII and the struggle in Russia for freedom from the aristocratic rule and then eventually from the Communist oppression.

While Follett takes on the difficult task of multiple narratives, each character is interesting and quirky, alive on the page and I often found myself rooting for their cause. An English feminist campaigning for the suffragettes, a German finding himself on the wrong side of the battle lines, a Russian soldier blindly supporting the cause of Communism and then discovering the truth of Stalin, an American diplomat seeking to ease the relationships between America, France and Germany...each character brings a fresh storyline and dimension to this epic novel that sweeps across continents and time.

If I had to pick my favourite novel of 2011, this would be it. I am waiting with heightened anticipation for the next book in the trilogy and I am awed by Follett's ability to write.

The only somewhat boring parts of the novel were the chapters that dealt with the war manoeuvres using terms and concepts I was unfamiliar with. However, I pushed through those paragraphs and found great reward in doing so.

Definitely a must purchase, despite being a bit costly, though considering the sheer size of the novel, the price is redeemable in my eyes.

The Help by Kathryn Stockett

I'm sure you have heard some buzz about this novel due to it's appearance on the big screen this year. Typically, I prefer to read the novel before seeing the movie because I find too often that movies bastardize original works, but that was not the case with this movie/book. The movie was moving and I found myself tearing up on a several occasions, and fortunately when reading the book, I discovered that the director and screen writer kept the movie very close to the original piece of work.

"The Help" is written about a subject not many people consider: the lives of black housekeepers/nannies during the 1960s in Mississippi. The city and society I live in is so far removed from what those women experienced and dealt with during that time. Today we are fortunate enough to exist where racism is greatly diminished and not considered an acceptable attitude. Of course there are people who are still discriminated against, but generally our government and majority of people are educated to accept all people of any race and decree. Black people are allowed to swim with white people and share the same toilets, a practice that is normal to us.

However, the time during which this novel is set shows a side of people that is embarrassing and painfully truthful. I remember sitting in the theatre and hearing the misconceptions brutally loud on the big screen, wondering how people justified those actions and thoughts; to say that black people spread disease through toilet seats and weren't normal blows my mind and yet it was a common practice back then.

I don't want to say anything else about this book because I think it should be read and enjoyed in it's entirety...however, I do recommend both the movie and the book. Make sure you pick it up.

That's all for the book reviews! As January nears and 2012 approaches quickly, I am trying to compile a list of must reads for the new year. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Happy New Year!

My presh Licorice

2011-12-16T20:11:00.000-05:00

Handsome boy!

fight for me

2011-12-13T01:51:00.001-05:00

It's been a long time since I've updated this blog and I have missed writing. I've been faithful in my 750 words for the most part, currently on a 42 day streak, but I'm back here again and will try to be more consistent with my posting, although a cynical part of me wonders why I even do it. For the love of writing? I already write my 750 words (www.750words.com) daily so I don't necessarily need to come here at all...but I'm here.

Things have been hard lately. Not hard as in major life decisions to be made in a matter of days, more like...winter doldrums. 98 more days until spring--I looked up a spring countdown widget, I can't lie--and I can barely contain my yearning for the smell of fresh earth, the buds on trees, new life... Spring is the season that resonates in my soul. I don't even mind the rain and grey during spring time as I know it's the precursor to a warm and sunny season, summer.

But doldrums. Serious down in the dumps. Never mind that Christmas is right around the corner...I haven't even started my Christmas shopping. I made a little list while twiddling my thumbs at work today and I discovered that I'm not very interested in picking presents this year. I wish I could get everyone a gift card and be done with it, but the pleasure of giving gifts is in finding the perfect one and watching the receiver's face as they open it. Splendid. Okay, maybe I'm talking myself into being excited about finding gifts...

I'm down in the dumps about the long, cold nights and few hours of pure sunshine, which transfers to other things in my life. I'm so lackadaisical about work. I should be trying to pick up more hours with the financial burden of Christmas, but I don't even care. Not only are things hard with what I self diagnose as SAD (seasonal affect disorder), financially everything is so tight. I paid off a credit card settlement in three large-ish settlements which set me back, I still don't have my own computer because I can't afford one...I miss downloading music and movies, tv shows and eBooks, going on my LOST forum and surfing Youtube. It was an enjoyable break from the mundane reality of life.

I'm scraping by just paying hydro and rent. It's exhausting, the worrying. What would I do if I got sick and couldn't work? I'm not covered for anything! What about my second credit card? Where will I live when these apartments eventually get turned into condos? The worst part is: I don't really have anyone to work through these things with. M tries his best to be supportive, but sometimes I get angry because I feel like he gets to live like a teenagers or college kid and I'm the one who has to go to a crappy job and work shifts I hate in order to pay our rent and food costs. Trying to ignore those feelings hasn't helped. At all.

The SAD is also affecting my relationship with him. I get so frustrated and upset about the most trite and ridiculous things. I get so angry at him for fighting with me...not even fighting, because he won't engage in warfare...disappointing me. For not giving me what I need, for giving up so fast without a protest, for not persisting and trying to talk to me about problems. For not being the boyfriend I need, for leaving me in high water. I just want him to text me, pursue me, say something, say anything...I want him to fight for me.

I know I'm exhausting, annoying, frustrating and irksome. I know I'm trying and I ask for a lot. I know I fail to compromise and be flexible. I know that things which are minute in the grand scheme of life matter more to me than they should. I realize it must be difficult to love me through all these issues I have, but I want someone who will fight for me and my love. I want to know I matter that much to someone. To anyone.

Since I started dating M, most of my "church/Christian" friends have fallen away, disappeared. K (one of them) said I was pushing people away, so I feel now as if it's my fault. Have I change so thoroughly? Do people no longer recognize me? Am I completely altered?

Sometimes I sit and read old cards, letters and notes my friends gave me. They are full of sweetness and light. We will always be friends. There is no one like me. I aspire kindness and respect. I am wise, we have a connection, I am loved, we will always and forever be friends.

Now it rings of adolescent foolishness. No one can predict the future. We will follow our own paths, will make smart and destructive choices. The people who make the promises of eternal comradeship should reconsider. Ultimately they aren't hurting themselves--they're hurting the people who believe them and that was my foolishness: believing them.

It sounds overly dramatic, I know, but it's true. I feel afloat when I think of all the friends I once had who never bother texting me, talking to me, maintaining the connection. It always comes back to: have I changed? Am I no longer the Marcia they knew? I would personally attribute any possible negative changes in my character to working so long in a depressing and negative work place, but I'm sure those friends would blame my sinful life style.

They no longer invite me to breakfasts, get togethers and why? Because God doesn't hear me anymore. Because I'm not pure anymore. My sins encompass me and now define who I am in their eyes. I no longer have dreams and hopes, I don't feel hurt over being ignored or cast away...although apparently that is my choice. Sinners don't care about anyone except themselves, right?

M doesn't text me, just like those friends. They gave up on me and I never hear from them. M says he's afraid of my anger that sometimes burns so very brightly. He says he doesn't know what to say to me when I'm so upset and normally I value his hesitancy to speak rashly and inflame the situation, but this time I'm waiting and waiting. I want to hear from him first, like a stubborn child. Irrationally, I think to myself, 'I always cede first'. I send the text saying "I'm sorry" first. I try to make amends and it's exhausting. Maybe it's my responsibility because I usually provoke the disagreements, but where is he, being the man? Why doesn't he persist, pursue, continue? Why won't he fight for me? What can't he grasp or understand why this is so important to me?

I need him to prove that he is not like those friends. I need to believe he won't fade away.

I am ashamed of how girly and boring this entry is but I need to vent. I need to find peace with my friends, the ones who have moved on to their own lives which don't include me.
I need to get into a Christmas spirit. I need to start (and finish) that list.
I need to be kinder and gentler with my boyfriend who gives me so much already.

I need some love.

Finding a way...

2011-11-15T19:50:00.000-05:00

When you're a child, you look forward with excitement to adulthood. The whole world conspires, or so it seems, to slow down the journey into growing up and you wait with eagerness for responsibility and the perks that come with it. Your curfew is slower extended but your chores and duties grow as well. High school means meeting new people and staying out with friends, but it also weighs you down with homework that keeps you up all night and concepts that are hard to understand. Driving your parents car means freedom to go shopping without the hour long bus ride, but it also entails paying for gas and arguing with your parents to even use the car. You begin to experience those wonderful and elusive things that you saw your parents doing, but the cost seems steeper than ever. Coffee, watching any movie want, going out for fancy dinners, eating dessert with every meal, drinking a beer or glass of wine, consorting with the opposite sex...suddenly all those things are at your fingertips, ripe for the taking.
Somehow I think we get tricked as a child. Perhaps it's our naivete that allows such a thing to happen, maybe our parents should shatter the illusion sooner than later in life, but all of a sudden we wake up and realize that all the things that seemed so wonderful when we were kids have become just normal parts of life and we no longer desire them the way we used to.

Yes, that is the way of life. When we get what we desperately we want, we usually discover that it isn't exactly what we wanted, or we find that we get used to it and eventually begin to take it for granted. Such is the strangeness of life. I remember when I first moved into my apartment, I took solace in the quiet lonely nights where the constant shouting and noise from my siblings disappeared. I valued being able to come and go as I pleased without giving an ETA to anyone, I loved being the boss of myself. Gone was the need to check in with my parents or to disclose the choices I had made and give my rationale for them.

After living alone for about 18 months, my sister moved in with me and I realized quickly that I had missed having someone close in my life. The chaos and hubbub of her arrival was enjoyable and I loved coming home after to work to someone sitting in my living room, ready to talk and discuss the day's events; it was a great change and I find that I very much cherish living with her.

Now things have changed once again and I find myself living with my boyfriend who slowly but steadily grew into my life. I can't imagine not having him at home with me, sitting alone and having space with no one to talk to, no one to confer with, no one to confide in. The silence I once loved is no longer welcome and I miss him when he is out. Slowly I am learning to accept that he can't be there all the time, but I continue to savour the moments we have together.

Back to the first paragraph, as I have gone on a frightful tangent...I feel duped at times, discovering that the responsibility far outweighs the perks, that everything must be worked for and sought after. It's not easy to grow up and suddenly come to that understand and often times I wish I was ten again, viewing life with excitement and anticipation, not trepidation over whether I'll be able to pay my hydro bill.

If I have learned anything in the past ten months spent with M., it's that I can change and I can grow. I must change and I must grow in order for the relationship to prosper and be functional...I continue to struggle with that acceptance and how to manifest it entirely in my life. I tell M. that he must be a different person for our to be together but I find it hard to give in even the smallest ways. I know how hypocritical I sound and that knowledge hangs over me, burdening my heart. I want to be a good girlfriend, I want to make him happy, but I also realize that our happiness cannot hinge on each other and I must be true to myself in order to remain in a relationship.

Sorry if this post is odd or confusing. I know that it's hard to understand what I'm saying when I don't go into intimate details, but I do want you to know that I am the adult that I dreamed of being when I was a child, though sometimes I wish I wasn't.

Peace.

Bend, not break

2011-11-04T13:54:00.000-04:00

Flexiblity: a character trait that I am learning anew each and every day. It's an important aspect of life...to go with the flow and be accepting that things change. Being rigid and inflexible is behaviour I have noted in my parents and I have made the resolution since childhood that I do not want to live my life the same way.

In the off chance, in fact, in the most likely chance that I feel angry or frustrated with my Person over ways that I feel he has failed me, I like to write down memories of things that he has done to go back and read, reminders to myself of all the kind ways he has treated me, the actions which he has displayed his love to me through. It helps me put things into perspective, when I read about all he has done, and I usually end up relaxing and being more flexible and understanding.

So here it is--the latest in a series of M. related posts that no one really needs to hear about but what I need to write about...I have to.

Today I was scheduled to work 7-3, which is a bizarre shift for me. I normally go in to work at 3 in the afternoon and I had to get up at 6 in the morning to go to work?? I haven't woken up that early since I went to bed that late.   M. ended up going out to see a movie with some friends and then get some food after. When he texted me and said he was ordering food at a restaurant with friends around 9:15pm, I was immediately cranky.

Number one, I wanted food! There's nothing like a delicious late evening appetizer. Number two, I wanted him to come home and fall asleep with me not stay out late with friends.  Number three, he had originally said he would be back at nine, then amended that statement to "no later than ten" and suddenly he's ordering food at 9:15? I knew that wasn't going to be enough time and I felt like saying, "Fuck you, don't come home after!", punishing him for once again going back on what he said would happen.

But then I thought, 'He hardly ever goes out with his friends anymore. Almost all his time is spent with me. I need to be more flexible and encourage him to spend time with his friends, especially friends that I like. Plus, we're both adults and I won't be able to fall asleep before 11 anyway, because I slept in so damn late this morning'.

With all the maturity and good will in my heart, I texted him back and said, "Hope you have a good time. Pls don't be later than 11 or go to your parents to asleep". And I added a ":)" to the end of the text to convey the good will I was attempting to feel in my heart. I walked Licorice alone and felt sad that my friends don't care to go out with me for an impromptu movie and late night snack.

11, I thought, was a good compromise. I had to get up at 6, which meant at least 6 hours of sleep, something I could function on. I did some writing when I got home and at ten-thirty I brushed my teeth and started to head to the bedroom. At 10:56 I heard the key scraping in the lock and the sound of his footsteps in the hallway. He creaked into the bedroom and climbed onto the bed. I felt like saying something irritable like, "Wow, cutting it really close there" or "Whatever happened to 9?", but as he kissed me awake, I wrapped my arms around his body and slipped my hands up under his shirt, I discovered he was slick with sweat and the realization flooded over me: he ran to get here on time.

All the little things that drive me crazy, the eccentricities and odd quirks that he has seemed to melt away and disappear from my mind as he kissed my nose and cheeks and sweat all over me. I know it doesn't sound very romantic--almost disgusting actually--but that is the stuff that relationships and love is made of: not the exciting moments that make your heart beat faster, although those are of course wonderful... But it's the moments when you realize how much that person loves you and how far and fast they would run for you, in those moments you start to value how much the person means to you and what love truly is.

End note:  I am proud of my self control. I didn't freak out or get mad. We lay together and talked, enjoyed each other under the cover darkness and I fell asleep cradled in his arms. What could have been another huge fight was avoided because I chose to remain calm and accept that some things are beyond my control and I need to be more flexible; I need to bend, not break.

Happy Friday to you all.

my sometimes faith

2011-11-01T19:59:00.000-04:00

My parents are devout Christians. When people hear that phrase "devout Christians", they immediately conjure up ideas of what a devout Christian is constituted of; as I continue to explain the way my parents function and what they believe in, they are surprised at the fact that such people exist in our modern day society. I suppose in some ways they affiliate my parents' devotion and discipline to the Amish or Mennonites. Not using birth control and trusting that whatever happens is up to God's divine power seems bizarre to them, that being only one of the many faith driven approaches my parents have taken in life.

Myself, having grown up with such a mindset (whatever happens is within God's allowance and will happen no matter what action we choose) have found myself becoming fatalistic in my view of life. The choices I make may be mine, but God still knows every contingency and is prepared for whatever actions we make. Therefore, nothing I do is a surprise to God, everything was meant to happen the way it did and all I can do is make the best of the current circumstances.

In some ways, my parents frighten me with their absolute faith in a being, who I believe exists but who remains ineffable and ethereal. My father has a personal relationship with God, something I have struggled for but it continues to elude me, despite my praying, reading long passages of the Bible and talking about my doubts with other Christians. I found that the church drove me away from seeking God instead of compelling to seek and desire more; I would attend the services, walking in and out without one person saying a single word to me.

Anyway, during our informative years my parents bombarded us with Bible stories, proverbs, tales of warning, instructions on how to live a godly and Christian life, cliched statements and interesting thoughts on how one becomes a better person through a relationship with Jesus... All of this was a cumulative attempt to prepare us for a life on our own, even though they never practically offered any advice on curve balls life would inevitably throw at us, such as: peer pressure, drinking, pre-marital sex and birth control, situational ethics, etc. The real issues would avoided and my parents lived their life strictly black and white, no grey matters, situational ethics rigorously rejected.

I wonder now, what I am or what I believe in. I feel as though I'm spending my life trying to reconcile the choices I am making with the thoughts in my head, theology I have been propagated with my entire life. I want to write my own life story, to decide things based on my own decisions, uninfluenced by anyone or anything else, but there are all these voices telling me what I should believe and what I should do.

Most overwhelmingly is the thought that I'm in a relationship with someone who doesn't have the exact same religious views that I do, and each time he disappoints me or leaves me feeling sad and alone, I wonder, 'Is this all worth it? Is this the person I'm embracing instead of the God I was taught to believe in?' In moments when he lets me down, I realize I can't trust him fully and I definitely cannot hinge my happiness on him.

Only people who have this exact background will understand what I mean. I attach meaning to everything I see and choices I make, but I'm unsure of what the meaning is and I worry that it will remain unclear until the end of my life. I believe I may be thinking and worrying my life away instead of simply living it.

I have no answer to these thoughts. It's NaNoWriMo. I'm not writing a novel but I am writing and I am going to try and do so every day. Good luck to you if you are embarking on this endeavour!

worry & a year

2011-10-24T11:33:00.000-04:00

There are always many pressing matters on the mind, but frustratingly enough I manage to push them away until the wee hours of the night where I find myself laying on my back, staring up at the ceiling and considering all that there is to be done and all I can do to ensure these things come to pass. Mostly I find myself worrying about vague things that are beyond my scope or control, case in point: whether the life I'm attempting to build with M is really what I should be doing. How will I know what I should be doing until I try it?

Even though I don't put much stock in Gandhi and the philosophy/religious he emanated, I found wise words he once said earlier last week and have been turning them over in my mind and examining the merit and truth behind them.

There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever. (Gandhi)

(As I say, I absolutely do not lean toward Gandhi's theology especially his completely non-violent approach to everything life could throw at him. He stated once that the Jews should have stayed in Germany and should have accepted whatever Hitler did to them as a political statement of refusing to be oppressed. News for you Mr. Gandhi: even with all their running and hiding, millions upon millions died and how many more would have had they been pacifists? There's a fine line between trusting God will take care of you and being an absolute prat.)

I like the quote though. Maybe there just is a universal God and we all believe in the same one, although I don't think that's very likely as each of us seem to almost create who we believe God to be in our heads. My parents say they draw their interpretation of who God is directly from the Bible, but so many Christians have different views of who they consider God to be, each saying they have drawn those views from the same Bible my parents read...who is right? Is there a right?

These paragraphs aren't exactly flowing into each other smoothly; I know that I fail to pull my thoughts into one coherent statement many times.

I was just thinking how it's been almost a year since I went to a Halloween party at a friend's house and slept with a random person that I didn't know. So much has passed since that night, so many lessons learned, so many bridges crossed and I'm supposed to consider that I am still the same Marcia that I have always been.
The year where so much changed...the year of being 26, the year of massive leaps and bounds, a few steps falling back, a few moving forward...
If everything was meant to happen, do we truly make mistakes? I have considered that choice a mistake this entire year but perhaps it was supposed to happen in order to bring me to where I am now. I've learned so much since that experience and I consider my life and all that I have, feel immensely grateful and happy, and I know that I love the person I'm with.

I can't think of anything else to say. I'm trying not to dwell on the negative, on the hurts because we're all hurt in some way... The future is what we have. There is no looking back, only moving forward.

Blind Dates

2011-10-17T23:04:00.000-04:00

Today at work I had a sudden recollection of a blind date I went on a while ago.
The opportunity presented itself to me in a message sent from a friend on Facebook. Oh Facebook...it has introduced so many wonderful and terrible things into my life, blind dating being the latter.

Anyway, she sent me this cryptic message simply saying, "Do you trust me?" (By the way, if anyone ever asks you that, it's probably best to opt with "No, what do you want?".) I replied naively with, "Of course! What do you need?" Honestly, I do trust and respect this woman so it wasn't a stretch for me to reply in that manner; I was, however, surprised by her answer.

She told me she knew a guy who was a friend of her son's who had been looking for a relationship for a long time. He had a good job, had his own place, was easy going and friendly...he seemed like a great person on paper. She said that he was a bit shy and had been talking to them about how he was struggling to find someone he could connect with. Suddenly, during their conversation, she was struck with enlightment! In her mind she matched us up but at least had the courtesy to message me first on Facebook and ask if it would be okay so arrange a date.

I was a bit kerflummoxed by the message. First off, I had just started to lose weight and become somewhat comfortable with how I looked, so it seemed a bit outrageous that anyone would consider me as possible girlfriend material. Secondly, how well do these people really know? They saw an aspect of me at church but Marcia as a whole person? The girl who would go to the gym at 2 a.m. and run on the treadmill because she couldn't sleep and was lonely? The girl who lived on chickpeas and tuna? The girl who struggled to look at herself in the mirror?

Did this friend really know me well enough off to arrange a match for me? I'll admit though, I was somewhat excited. The prospect around me were minimal...the guy pool at church has shrunk to...well...zero... I had the song "Matchmaker Matchmaker" run through my head on a loop and I envisioned what this guy might look like. Tall? Handsome? Smart? Funny? There were so many possibilities!

In my heart, I knew it wasn't the right time for a blind date. I had fallen in love with someone else and I suppose in a way, I was pining for him. As I ran on that treadmill, I imagined myself with this guy I had fallen for, because obviously he was the perfect guy for me and hopefully, eventually he had to come to his sense and realize that was the truth as well. But in the meantime, I figured going on a blind date wouldn't hurt and who knows? It would be best to leave all the options open...

So here's what went down: I agreed to the date, my friend sent him details about me and he was interested, so off we went. My friend and her husband agreed to come along so we wouldn't be left alone and they decided mini-golfing would be fun. Let me add here that I don't really care for organized games such as bowling, mini-golfing, darts etc, but I went along with it gamely and rode with them in their car to the course.

The first thing was that I wasn't attracted to him. He wasn't ugly or hideous to any extent, but I wasn't drawn to him. I have been sexually and physically attracted to people that aren't the standard good looking guys, but right off the cuff I knew I wasn't attracted to him at all. However, I decided to give it a shot, smile and talked and we played our way through the course. In retrospect, I enjoyed the mini-golfing aspect of the night which wasn't saying much.

He hardly said anything to me the whole time. Perhaps he was so shy that he couldn't speak to me directly, but he made jokes with the husband and talked to my friend, ignored me the whole time except for a few words here and there. The fortunate part was that the mini-golf kept us busy and the awkwardness was held at bay until we went to a Tim Hortons after and were forced to make conversation. I asked all the leading questions in order to keep it flowing and he sat and played on his iPhone the entire time. In fact, he decided it would be great to show us every single "cool" app that he had downloaded and was enthralled with fake lighter app that apparently is handy when you're at concerts.

It wasn't so much humiliating as a life lesson: don't let people who aren't completely familiar with you attempt to match you up with someone. I am glad that I went because I learned what I wanted from a significant other: someone who isn't self-involved and has zero sense of humour. I would never have considered those qualities necessary until I was put in above detailed situation. Ahh, life is funny. And by the way, I got over the guy that I had been pining for and completely forgot about the blind date during that time of healing. I suppose the only reason the blind date came to mind was because when I was surfing apps on my android, I stumbled across a lighter app and the entire story was brought to mind...

I'm also proud that I can look back and say, "I have been on a blind date". How many people have done such an exciting and interesting thing? There's this little saying on the side of the Lulu Lemon bags that says something like, "Do one thing everyday that frightens you" or something along those lines. And I did.

Political Thoughts

2011-10-14T12:39:00.002-04:00

It is easy to be an activist. It’s not very easy to be an effectivist and actually effect change. You have to do your research, find out problems and the actual solutions, and activate that in strategic ways. "Specific demands are more likely to corner decision makers and policymakers and force a response: 'Yes or no. are you going to do this?'” ~D. Conacher

It's almost impossible to read print or virtual media, listen to the radio or watch television without being made aware of the Occupy Wall Street protests that are gathering through North America. I came into the knowledge of said protests when a Facebook friend "liked" Occupy Canada and I became curious as to what occupying Canada consists of. After clicking on the link of their Facebook page and reading through their posts and info, it became apparent that the movement is doing exactly what the authors were hoping for: creating a media awareness of the group and exposing the dichotomy of two very different mindsets.

The intention behind Occupy Canada is frustrating in it's vagueness.   Reading through news reports that quoted statements from varied individuals, some of the intentions became clear: participants are protesting the fact that the rich are becoming richer and the poor are often struggling to pay their utility bills and feed their families. Armine Yalnizya, senior economist for the Canadian Centre for Policy Alternatives states, "Canada's rich could make a difference. Our governments should ask them to step up to the plate".
The complaints stated by protesters fall along the lines of:

-the government needs to force the rich to share the wealth
-the government needs to stop hoarding money
-the government needs to stop monopolizing the prices of hydro/fuel/necessities
-capitalism should be monitored
-there needs to be more equality in salaries
-salaries should be capped

Remove government regulations! Enforce stricter government regulations! Raise income tax on the wealthy! Remove income tax completely! Call CEOs and large corporations to task! Remove corporations completely! Dismantle the stock market (despite the fact that through stock markets and shares people are able to create business which in turn create more jobs?) and return to gold and silver!   Feed the poor and give them more money!   Destroy the government that feeds the poor and gives them money!

Most of the sentiments expressed are disturbingly socialist and communist in disposition.   No, I'm not going off an anti-communist tirade Frank Burns style, but I was surprised to stumble across this comment posted on CBC's article regarding Occupy Canada:

"The "Occupy Canada" Facebook page removed my comment overnight.
I said, "Capitalism (free enterprise) creates jobs. Socialism creates debt and taxes. God bless Canada."
I was expecting a lot of hostile comments but this (censorship) surprised me." ~AcePilot101

For a group that is calling our government to be more accountable and supposedly is transparent with their motives and requests, the censorship is disturbing, and even worse is the fact that no one will see that action as a warning sign. Despite the fact that groups/organizations may claim to be above-board and honest with their dealings, the unfortunate tendency of human nature to be egoists and one-minded in their crusades for liberty, equality and freedom taints the utopia that they may be attempting to build. Censoring opposing viewpoints or opinions seems like a remarkably similar tactic that these bleeding hearts are lobbying against.

The most important question that is presenting itself to us Ontarians is this: where were this politically motivated people during the recently past provincial election?   The election saw a record low turn out of 49.2%. There are, of course, multiple reasons experts are touting to explain the exceedingly low vote turnout, but the basic reason remains: indifference. People are indifferent to the government, probably because they feel nothing they do will precipitate any real or lasting change. The common refrain I heard was, "I don't know who to vote for" and "There aren't any candidates I support", incensing me as I believe it your civil duty to take ten minutes to educate yourself on what each party represents and to vote for whomever most closely epitomizes your ideals.
Anarchy appears to be a common refrain among these people and they believe they are being repressed by police presence and the government. Perhaps the people who support the belief system of removing all government systems and authorities need sit down and thoroughly read "A Tale of Two Cities" by Charles Dickens.
Anarchy solves nothing and simply creates chaos and lawlessness; anarchy is not the answer. Yes, our judicial and legal system is poorly run, the law is executed sloppily, some policemen may be corrupt, but the fact is: the government is not telling your average policeman to be corrupt--that is their own personal choice that they have made. There is no tax credit given to those to abuse their power as a reward; injustice, unfairness and prejudice exists in the hearts of men individually.

My poor boyfriend sat through a long winded rant last night which consisted of me expressing my disdain for those who take the time to participate in protests (such as Occupy Canada which has spurred the above quotation among other vast and varied media responses), but fail to make their ideals or "morals" an actuality in their day to day lives.   These activists want justice and equality in oblique and unspecific ways, but how do they activate equality and generosity in their own lives? How many people take the time to practically combat poverty in their backyard on a day to day basis?   If you, as an individual, are supporting Occupy Canada and opposing the way our society and country is being operated fiscally, how are you activating positive changes around you in a real and tangible way? How are you being an effectivist?

While I agree that CEOs are making exorbitant and undeserved amounts of money which in turn causes large deficits within corporations and leads to workers being laid off, I also don't expect them to give me any of their salary in order to make up for the inequality of it. Yes, I can't afford to have my wisdom teeth removed right now because I don't have a benefits package or any financial leeway for the surgery, but I don't expect someone else to pay for me.
For those who believe there should be more money spent on social needs (i.e.: covering dental costs for those too poor to afford it), consider this: someone has to pay.   The money to fund Ontario Works doesn't grow on a mysterious tree; the common worker such as myself or my parents who pay income tax are the ones who fund Ontario Works. Social reform and desire to see everyone treated equally is a lovely sentiment, but who will pay for all these things?   Should people who have spent their lives building companies and now live comfortably have to pay for the needs of others? What is the practical answer to this conundrum? There are complaints that sports athletes are ridiculously over paid...stop paying for tickets to see games and stop purchasing merchandise that supports them. For those who complain about the outsourcing of companies...withdraw your business from that company and seek a Canadian based business that will support our economy.

Practically, the best way for you to support Canada and build toward a stronger economy is to promote "Made In Canada". Purchase items that are built/created in Canada, support businesses that based in our country, choose to buy vegetables that are grown by our farmers... That is the best and most efficient way for you to accelerate our economy. Instead of brandishing signs and sentiments that state how awful a country Canada is to live in, consider what you can do to make it a better place. Embrace positive effectivity instead of campaigning negative attitudes that fail to manifest any useful ideas that may implement change. Fight the injustices you see with love and kindness, not an intolerance for people with differing views. If you truly believe that Canada is an awful place to live in, consider moving to a different country when you can find a strong social system; certainly don't sit around spewing how diminishing, damaging and useless our country is while taking advantage of our health care and other social benefits. Consider that the country you find so repugnant actually consists of your neighbours, friends, family, people you know and love, not simply a nefarious government that is scheming to destroy our freedoms and stamp out our inner flames.

Canada does need to change in many ways. We can move forward together and bring politicians, financial advisers, corporations and shareholders into accountability. However, acting like spoiled little children who are unaware of how the country actually operates fiscally and economically is embarrassing for people participating in the protests and people watching them. Establish a knowledge base of what you are opposing and what you specifically want to see change before you run into the streets waving your signs with self-righteous indignation burning in your hearts.

You are all sighing with relief that you aren't my boyfriend and don't have to sit through these rants on a daily basis. Consider how you are being an effectivist on a daily basis, even in the smallest and most faithful of ways.
Love.

A Giving of Thanks

2011-10-10T15:35:00.000-04:00

While slogging through a slow paced work day, I've had time to contemplate the past year and how drastically my things to be thankful for have changed. Last year when my family went around the circle (as the tradition dictates) and each person shared at last one thing they are thankful for, I said,
"My apartment...my cat and dog...my boyfriend..."
I believe 2010's thanksgiving went more like,
"My cat and my family..."
Although I of course still am grateful for my family, especially my brothers and sisters, I found that the focus of my thankfulness was my boyfriend, even just the fact that I no longer feel so alone and lost.

As we lay on my bed and talked about the night we met (our nine month anniversary just passed), a few tears trailed down my cheeks and into the corners of my mouth.
"I was so lonely before I met you," I said to M, and I supposed that is really the thing I am most grateful for. The fact that I have someone to talk to and to go home to after a long day of work.

I woke up this morning and looked around the apartment before I headed out the door for work. The plant he bought me was moved to the dining room table, the curtains blew in the breeze, the kitchen counter clean and scrubbed down thanks to him taking time to help clean...

We need to stop and consider all the things that we have in our lives that we take for granted. I know I will be trying more and more to consider those things myself.

The way the heart changes, work & too much coffee!

2011-10-04T20:14:00.000-04:00

I was reading a bit of "The Book Of Negroes" while at work today (fabulous read so far btw; I shall review it soon) and read a couple paragraphs detailing an elderly slave who was thrown off of the ship due to his sick condition. His wife who had lovingly been caring for him with tenderness in her touch and eyes, wailed and cried and over the course of the following week diminished greatly in health, only to be thrown over herself, joining her husband/partner in the ocean.

"In the next days, the woman's sadness was so great that nobody wanted to stand near her on the deck, or crouch beside her at the food bucket...After two more days, she was no longer moving. She was carried out and thrown into the deep, the same as her man..."

As I read through those words, my stomach turned within me and I felt a sick twisting in my stomach that I have only experienced once before. Empathy to the plight of all the Africans who were wrenched away from their homes and treated worse than live-stock, torn away from the people they loved and the culture they were familiar with...but even deeper than the empathy for them was a lingering realization that the wrenching sensation in my heart and stomach wasn't due to my horror from reading those words; it came from my imagining M. being torn violently away from me, his spirit departing from his body, I left alone in the world without his warmth and comfort.

Even though I have known for months now that I love him deeply, love him through all the disagreements and fights, I have never truly considered how it would feel to lose him in such a final manner. I have never known this love before, moving so deep within me like the roots of a willow tree, sustaining life and growth. At times I feel restless because I fret and worry over what future we have together or whether I have what it takes to be in a functional relationship, but the truth that I face while considering these somewhat turbulent emotions is that my life has been ineffably changed by M. being in my life as a lover and friend...and I don't want to return to my life before him.

I had more thoughts to write but work has taken my inspiration and sucked it right out of me! The only bright moment of the day was when a new resident started talking to me about a patient and it became apparent that I knew more about the patient's medical condition than their nurse did--which isn't saying much as their nurse today was extremely, ehm, silly. Anyway, he asked me why I wasn't a nurse and I said I didn't like touching people I didn't know (especially sick people), to which he responded with, "What about a radiologist?"

I like it when random people talk to me for a few minutes and right away decide I'm smart enough to be a doctor. Of course, we can all be whatever we want to be, or that's what we're told as children, but the reality of it is that we do have limitations and we learn quickly from life to build our dreams and plans around them. That's all I can think about right now. I had 2 cups of coffee today so my stomach is now in turmoil. I feel the pressing need to go home, lay down and sleep for several hours without stirring. These twelve hour shifts are exhausting, especially under these fluorescent lights.

I feel old.

When life gives you lemons...

2011-09-28T23:44:00.001-04:00

Today sucked. Let me summarize:

My skin has been breaking out like a pre-pubescent teenager. There are bright red spots on my neck, the left side of my mouth/chin, my jaw line. I thought when I was a teenager that growing older would solve my acne problems--you don't see many adults with blemishes--but apparently that is not so. I'm 26 years old and I still get acne every month around menstruation.

And while speaking of menstruation, how much does it suck? I mean, it always is crappy no matter how you look at it, but sometimes it feels like the bouts of PMS are so much stronger than usual. On Sunday, I believe, I sobbed into Matt's shoulder over some ridiculous little thing that made me upset (I can't even remember what it was) and apologetically cried, "I'm s-s-s-SORRRYYYY!!! I'm P-P-PMSing!!!!" It's the worse; when I think of it, the PMS is worse than the actual period most of the time.

Cell phone in toilet! How does it even happen and how often does it happen?? I was going into the washroom, carrying my cell phone in my hand and somehow it slipped out of my hand and of course, managed to fall straight into the toilet bowl. I snatched it out instantly with my ninja reflexes, I stood and yelled "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!" and then ran to the kitchen to immediately stuff it into a container of rice.

How am I supposed to survive without a cell phone, especially considering I still don't have a home computer? I miss that window to the outside world. I am immensely grateful for this little Apple laptop that Matt's family has been letting us use, but it's not the same as having my own computer that stores all my pictures and music. I miss music.

Colds and sore throats. Waking up in the morning with a scratchy throat that feels like it's been shredded with a grater sucks. I don't handle being sick very well, probably because I rarely get sick so I turn into a self-pitying blubbering mess. Matt is really the best boyfriend. He puts his arm around me, wraps his legs around my legs, rubs my back and asks me what he can get for me.

And I enjoyed a quiet evening with my two sisters, watching Get Smart, eating brownies and drinking tea... I have also started sketching/drawing again, although I'm nowhere near artistic or talented. It's a lot of trial and error, trying over and over again to get the right proportions and shading.

I shall return to Gilmore Girls and consider how God does not want me to be reliant on technology. I don't have a cell phone or computer and I feel surprisingly...calm about it... As Matt said, these are just things and not all that life consists of.

Constantly learning to be calm and accept these difficulties one step at a time.

Blessings.

Thankful for...

2011-09-21T19:48:00.000-04:00

As summer comes to a close this Friday (it's officially autumn on September 23), I ponder the past summer, all the experiences I had and memories I made, people I spent time with and people I missed...and I feel a rush of gratitude to God and the universe for all of it, including--

A fun few days of camping. The weather was wonderful, we didn't get eaten alive my mosquitoes, we picked up several items for ridiculously cheap at a Sally Ann, Licorice was fine without us, we learned that we can get along even when stuck together for several days on end and...sex in a tent. Need I say more?

Licorice's cute little quirks. As time passes, Mr. Greyhound becomes more and more outgoing and I can see his personality shining through. He carries about his stuffed animals like little babies, although tearing them apart and shaking them violently probably isn't great parenting. He enjoys his time at the dog park still, is becoming very good at recall (for those who don't know these terms--coming back to owner when called off-leash), his new dog food is agreeing with him and his coat looks great...all these things make me relieved as it's easy to get stuck with a dog that is difficult to manage. I'm already craving another grey to make a pair, but I'm scared that the next dog won't be a walk in the park as Licorice has been.

Cooking! I've just rediscovered my love for cooking, healthy and hearty meals such as stews, soups, fish...My personal fav was cornmeal breaded chicken breasts stuffed with jalapeno Havarti cheese. It's also great to save money by eating out less and I definitely feel healthier.

Farmer's Market! This is of course directly linked to cooking, but I've fallen in love with going to the farmer's market downtown and buying fresh produce! I love having veggies in the fridge that aren't frozen or canned! I probably use fresh onions every single day, especially with my favourite meal...omelets.

Omelets... I'm so grateful for omelets. They're tasty and easy to change up. I've made omelets with assorted veggies, meats, toppings...name it and we've made it! I still need to purchase an authentic omelet pan (making the flipping over easier) but I'm still loving on making omelets. Such delicious and wholesome foods :D

Matt. Well, when you get into a relationship, you inevitably tend to become a bit obsessed with the person you're with. I've been through that with Matt, am still somewhat going through it although I try not to talk about him a lot to people... so here it is in my blog which you are reading right now and can't STOP READING! Haha! I just love this man so much.
He's taught me so many things about myself and continues to grow and change with me. He's willing to sacrifice for the sake of our relationship, he cooks and cleans, he encourages me to pursue my dreams and faith... I know I've talked about him a lot on this blog (due to avoiding boring people with accolades of him) and I just can't stop! I'm so happy, so grateful, so blessed...that the first person I'm in a relationship with is someone like Matt.

Sex. Heh. Sex is awesome, especially with someone you love and who loves you back.

Bon Iver. I love him and I love his new CD "Bon Iver". Go buy it and support an artist. You will love it especially if you lean towards folk/indie music.

This is all for now! I could list many more things that I am grateful for... Instead I'll hold them inside and treasure each memory I have made this summer.

Be thankful, be blessed.

P.S. Meeting alone with my dad next week, he says just to catch up. Translation: wants to ask if I still believe in God, wants to know how I'm sinning, wants me to somehow justify my lifestyle choices to him. I refuse to participate in a debate about whether I'm a Christian or not, and I feel weird about not wanting to meet with him. Do I somehow feel guilty about my relationship choices? Well... perhaps a bit because it's so ingrained and I would like to avoid confrontation...
Ah well. Such is life in Christian circles.

August/September Reads

2011-09-10T16:27:00.000-04:00

As promised! A small list of books I've read these past couples of weeks.

Transgression by James W. Nichol.
Written by a Canadian author, I was delighted to find casual references to Hamilton and the Royal Hamilton Light Infantry. The story narrates the life of a young girl in France during Occupation (WWII) and a policeman in Canada who finds a gruesome corpse. Eventually the novel culminates in a connecting of both separate plots and characters to it's climax.

A note: The novel played out well; it was an enjoyable read. However, I felt that the beginning to middle was a fairly slow read, while the ending was far too rushed! I wish the author has drawn out the final moments and explanation a bit more.

Dead In The Family by Charlaine Harris.
I believe the ninth novel in the Sookie Stackhouse (True Blood) series, I read this in about three days. It's nothing spectacular, but if you're addicted to the series it's obviously a must read. Personally, after finishing the book today, I discovered during the second last chapter that I really don't care for Sookie (the main protagonist) at all. In fact, I believe I would probably enjoy the series so much more if she wasn't in it. Her character has been poorly crafted, not very easy to relate or feel sympathy for. None of the series are particularly well written though, so I was fortunately not expecting much this book; just the normal popcorn fluff from Harris.

Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards.

Of the all the books I read recently, this was easily my favourite and most devastating. A fiction novel written by Kim Edwards, the tale is told of an orthopedic doctor who is forced to deliver his wife's baby on a cold January evening. The child is born--a healthy baby boy-- but the doctor is astonished to find his wife was pregnant with twins and the second baby--a daughter--has the clear traits of Down's Syndrome. He makes a swift decision to spare his wife the agony and sadness of having a child afflicted with physical and mental disabilities and he instructs the attending nurse to take the child away and admit her into a home for disable infants, while telling his wife her daughter died during child birth.
The entire novel expands on how lies affect the ones we love, the people around us. Walls grow between the family that is never quite right after that fateful night and eventually the story come around to a tale of sadness but bittersweet redemption. I highly recommend this novel...it is gripping. It aptly describes human nature, all the feelings we have but seem ineffable. Please read!!

That's all for now! I'll update when I remember the other novels I read!

scatterings of thoughts

2011-09-10T16:11:00.000-04:00

Hey world,

I'm stuck at work today for another hour and seven minutes. Tonight is the fabulous SuperCrawl on James St. which I am very much looking forward to. There's something so pleasing about being able to walk down the middle of a street that is normally flooded with vehicles...blocked off streets make me ridiculously happy.

Last night I had another volley of discussions with M. that led to more openness and understanding between us. Even though I get impatient and angry that he can't read my mind and say exactly what I need to hear, after each and every one of these disagreements, I find myself happier and more settled, usually having learned one thing about him and one more thing about me... our motivations, our philosophies, our hopes and dreams together and separate...

One of the biggest concerns I have is being with someone who has no personal sense of faith or belief system. Relativism may seem as though it leads to a happier and more understanding world, but in a way it also opens a door for a severe lack of morals and then in time a lack of order and justice in a wayward society. I need to be with someone who may not believe the exact same thing as me, but at least has some type of strong belief.

I realized after our talk that my demands and my feelings are selfish in a way, because I'm only considering what I want from M., what I expect him to tell me. There was no part of me that tried to understand how afloat he must feel at times, while he attempts to find something to believe in. In other words: I find that I lack compassion and understanding when it comes to allowing people to express their feelings and find their way through life. I'm very demanding at times and want everything to work out as I believe it should.

The more we talk, the more we learn. I'm slowly becoming more and more aware of character traits and thoughts that I have which aren't positive and tear down instead of build up. I think it's occasionally because I'm so tired of being the person who has to lay out my morals and ethics and hope that he follows along. I want someone to tell me what the right thing is to do at times.

Anyway, after we sat in silence at the very later supper table, he rolled on his chair over to me (we really need to get legit dining room chairs, not these castered computer chairs) and said, "Do you still love me?" with a hint of fear and hope intermingled in his voice.

It was exactly what I needed to hear... The question that he feared would be answered negatively, hoped would be answered positively. Of course, of course, I still love him. Even though we disagree or argue about theology or drugs or motivations or social norms, I still love him. I am coming to understand that love is choosing to be there for him and choosing to stick out the arguments even when things seem dire.

I talk a lot of my relationship because I worry about it a lot. Generalized anxiety... The social worker diagnosed me with that on Thursday and gave me a couple assignments to do for our next session in three weeks. She hopes to show me how to get that anxiety under control, by recording moments when I feel anxious and what I do to talk myself down from it.

And now, I just feel tired and my hair is exceptionally curly/frizzy today. I feel calm when I think about M. and the life we have together... It's a whirlwind, a rollercoaster ride, a breath catching string of moments...

and now, briefly

2011-09-08T00:53:00.000-04:00

I still am chugging along without having a personal computer at home. I deeply miss my desktop, which was invaluable for downloading a various assortment of things including the weekly episodes of True Blood. There's something odd about using another person's computer, even if it's a boyfriend's family laptop. I wonder if he feels the same way when he uses mine for his work. Er, feLT the same way when he usED my computer. It's sitting forlornly, disconnected from a power source... My poor computer. Yes, I am clearly still mourning my loss.

The past few days have been tiring. For one, there has literally been a lack of sleep and secondly, on going issues that I have been facing and dealing with have taken up much of my energies. Tomorrow I have an appointment booked with a social worker/counselor as per request of my family doctor. It's nice that he is allotted a certain amount of hours of from OHIP to spend on a social work. Mental stability and health is as important as physical...those two go hand-in-hand. Anyway, he asked that I talk to a social worker about the family situation I currently have, thinking it might help me to hear some unbiased opinions and thoughts.

Yes, I feel nervous about it. No one looks forward to baring their souls about their feelings and their issues, especially not to someone they don't even know. The biggest concern I have is sounding like a self-pitying twat when I discuss my concerns and anxiety that I seem to carry about with me.

Today there was some sense of impending doom and anxiety again. I've noticed that it normally follows on the heels of disagreements I have with M. It's somewhat ridiculous how I manage to convince myself after even the smallest disagreement with him that he is going to break up with me. He constantly has to reassure me that he loves me and isn't going anywhere. Poor guy.

I should be tacking on photos or music reviews to this entry, but all my photos and subsequent thoughts are caught on the damn hard drive that needs repair. I read a couple books recently that I'll to give my two cents on in the next entry. Stay tuned, kiddikins.

Finally, I realized today that it's been 10 years since Bapa passed away. I was only 16 when he went on and so we didn't talk that much or get to know each other very well. Like so many people who have regrets, I wish I had been able to talk to him more, I wish that my parents had taken us to visit them more frequently... I keep planning to go spend a weekend with my grandma in Guelph but so many things come up each weekend. 10 years ago Bapa died and 3 days later the tragedy of 9/11 rocked the world. It was an odd feeling, suffering through a personal loss and then recognizing that feelings of loss and grief are world-wide, affecting everyone everywhere.

It makes you feel small, opens your eyes to the sadness and grief that covers this world. For some reason it reminds me of a passage in the Bible when Jesus is riding into Jerusalem on what is now known as Palm Sunday. He pauses at the top of the hills that surround Jerusalem and he starts weeping... "Jerusalem, oh Jerusalem, how I have longer to gather you to me...but you would not have me..."

Random thoughts.

learning, learning

2011-09-07T20:36:00.000-04:00

I realized I struggle with the guideline of what is considered "normal" or permissible in relation to the physical contact my significant other may have with other ladies.

The inherent belief that it isn't normal or right to physically embrace one of the other opposite sex is perhaps so deeply ingrained in me due to my parent's belief system. I very rarely saw my father embrace another woman, choosing to maintain his distance physically from them in order to avoid any possible snafu's that may have ensued.

There was one lady who attended my parent's church and she was such a wonderful and strong personality; she had zero qualms about grabbing men and hugging them in a strictly platonic manner, and usually in front of her spouse. It never appeared to bother him although my dad was initially uncomfortable with the encircling, most likely because my parents have always been so strict with physical boundaries. (Eventually he grew used to it and would chuckle would talking about R. She was that amusing and joyous in personality, no one could remain disgruntled by her expressions of friendly love via physical touch.)

One incident occurred that reminded me of how strict my parents have been. My younger brother (J.) was standing with his now ex-girlfriend V. on the driveway and they had their arms wrapped around each other in a long and hard bear hug. It was in front of our entire family, nothing they were ashamed about, my parents were appalled and said that there was too much physical closeness in their relationship. I guess for them, everything leads to sex, so avoiding physical intimacy before marriage is exceedingly important.

Back to the first paragraph of me struggling with accepting how my Person displays his affection or receives it from other ladies...
He was meeting someone to discuss tattoo designs and she walked up to him and they hugged each other, the moment lasting for about three seconds in total. I wasn't jealous or angry or annoyed, just perplexed that someone else, another girl would be hugging my boyfriend in front of me. It disagrees with every thing that I have been taught from childhood.

I guess in a weird way, I'm learning to be less possessive of him, although I wonder sometimes if that's a positive thing? Is there anything wrong with some healthy possessiveness that doesn't present itself as full blown jealousy but simply the desire to have one's partner just to oneself?

Relationships bring up the strangest and deepest issues in oneself. It's bizarre how all of my reasoning, motivations and learned behaviour affects my relationship or how I behave in it. I've figured that I have to learn to be okay with him hugging whomever he wants and trust that he would never be unfaithful to me. (I'm not saying that hugging = infidelity for the record.)

Learning, learning, always learnings. There's a reason, there's a reason.

Much love.

checking in

2011-09-05T20:41:00.000-04:00

To all my lovely readers (if there are still any managing to make it through these tedious entries):

I have been, unfortunately, without a home computer for perhaps almost a week... I'm not exactly sure when the unfortunate day was that my computer ceased to function... All I know is that there is almost 500G on that now defunct hard drive that I am hoping *fingers crossed* I'll be able to access when I get a hard drive reader.

Also, I am now faced with the deliberation that inevitably accompanies choosing a new desktop.  I've had a laptop for a while and have decided that desktops are far more superior... Now the shopping that will commence.  Computers have changed so much since I bought my last one... I'm avidly reading and following different sales, hoping to pick up a cheap yet well functioning one somewhere.

Speaking of computers...

I visited the new Apple store in Mapleview Mall on Saturday.  To be honest, it wasn't that exciting.  I love iPods, but I'm really not a fan of Apple computers.  The PC is so much easier to understand and to navigate, mainly because I've grown up using them.  (Ironically, I'm borrowing M's family Apple laptop thing--I don't know the official name of it.)  

Anyway, the Apple stuff had an interesting set up with regards to the interactiveness people get to experience when browsing their products.  What other store allows you to surf the internet and access your email from their products?  I believe that is partially what makes the Apple stores such a novelty among consumers--they encourage consumers to test out their products and give them full rein of the store. Minus actually carrying unpaid products outside their doors:)

Hmm, what else would the great wide cyber world be interested in hearing?

The weather has grown much chillier very quickly.  Autumn seems to be coming in with a bang, although I believe it doesn't officially begin until the 20th or 21st.  I never know the days seasons change on and usually the change isn't confined to those specific days anyway.  One thing I am looking forward to is the winter...the beginning of winter, anyway.  February is usually the worst month of the year for me, but I am confident that I will find it easier to make it through with the help of my wonderful Person.  

It is an ineffable joy to be in a relationship, to have a special person in one's life, to know that someone cares and someone is thinking of you. I find such happiness in considering the fact that I belong to someone in a way and they belong to me...or at the very least, belong with me.  It's a heartening feeling, knowing I don't have to face the troubles and issues in this world alone, including the long, drawn out and dark days of February.

Second day in a row going for a run!  Even though I've had a cramp in my foot the entire day, I still managed to get a twenty minute run in.  It's a bit sad, considering that I used to run for an hour at the gym every other day, but hopefully this will be the start of that healthy lifestyle again. Everything comes in waves.

Sorry if this post was impossibly mediocre and bland.  Not much has been happening lately and I'm still shocked that August has come and gone, flown by so quickly, I barely remembered what happened. It's the strangest feeling, living in the moment, mainly because I've always been the person who attempts to anticipate anything life may throw my way.  The biggest life lesson I have learned since being in a relationship is that I can't control what happens in life and I will never be able to predict the roads and places life may take us.

It's all good.  Everyday we learn something new, we cherish our lives even more, we love the people around us to a deeper and strong extent.

The best to you.  Hopefully I'll have a new computer soon, to update more frequently from.

The weight of the world

2011-08-30T17:49:00.000-04:00

WARNING! WARNING! Extremely long entry ahead! Proceed at one's own risk!

There are many things that can set me off into ornery moods, including: being talked down to, being ignored, stubbing my toe, making mistakes, having something break right when I need to use it, not finding something I desperately need... All of these things are simply parts of life, but lately it feels like the weight of the world, my world anyway, has been bearing down on my in a crushing manner.

Sitting at my desk at work, I scribbled out a list of situations and issues that I believe are currently causing me to flip from laughter and happiness to anger and despair. They are (currently):

-lack of sleep: I've become accustomed to falling asleep with M. rubbing his thumb or his hand against my skin, talking to me until I fall into a state of dreaming. This entire week he has fallen asleep before me, leaving me laying awake beside him trying to dream, while wishing he was rubbing my back or hip.
(Dreams: such funny things, revealing our subconscious desires and longings. Before I met M., I was consumed with the idea of being loved and being in a relationship, finding security and happiness. I would dream every night of a white knight scenario, which in the day I knew was ridiculous but in the night was so comforting. Now I no longer dream of a white knight as I have found my Person, and I lay awake and wonder what to dream about now.)

-anxiety: This is typically directly triggered by lack of sleep. Last night I lay awake and tried to sleep, listening to the rhythmic sound of his breathing next to me. The more I tried to sleep, the more anxious I became, the more afraid I great that I would never be able to fall asleep again. Eventually, I told myself, I will go crazy from lack of sleep and I'll have to be chucked into a nut house, although M. maintains that I would simply fall into a coma while walking down a sidewalk if I was sleep deprived. In the middle of the night I reached for him and said aloud, "I'm getting anxious", but there was just silence, punctuated by Licorice's heavy breathing and Mr. Cat's paws hitting the floor as he raced through the apartment on his nightly exercise ritual.

-U.T.I.: Urinary Tract Infection. It's very common among women, usually triggered by, no kidding, having too much sex at one time. The tract gets irritated by bacteria that slip up there during sex. The friction, the motion of having sex causes the tract to become even more irritated. Urinating becomes painful and frequent. I love having sex...but this causes sex to become very...not enjoyable. I should just plead time off, but I feel bad for M. so I just go along with it, frustrating him because he wants me to enjoy it as much as he does. I know I don't give his generosity enough credit; if I told him I needed a break, he would gladly give it to me, wanting me to be well and healthy.

-financial worries: Well, honestly, who doesn't have these? Money is something we all struggle with and frustratingly are chained to until we die. It's annoying to live in a society where everything is measured by money, including relationships and stature. I carry around a financial burden of being in debt a few thousand and who doesn't? But I want it paid off and out of my life, yet I'm struggling to make minimum payments due to extremely high interest (28%, WTF) on my credit card. My car is still being paid for, I'm tied down in one place due to these payments I need to make.... I just want freedom from this weight and I'm reluctant to make any big purchases because I have this foreboding sensation that I'm somehow going to need that money for my debt. Which brings me to the next thing that has been irking me:

-a broken computer: I've had this behemoth for quite a few years now...six? Seven? I truly have no idea, although I'm sure I could figure it out. Anyway, it was the first real "adult" purchase I made, the entire system of tower/monitor/printer costing me a cool $900 or so. Computers were much slower and more expensive back then, along with every other technological item. This beast has done me well, requiring repair only twice in all those years. I think it's finally just hitting the wall. The hardware isn't partitioning, cyclic data redundancy errors...the hard-drive is failing. I'd like to pay out the $500 it's going to cost to get a new computer, but there's that debt just hanging over me like the rain cloud featured in the Snoopy comic. I'm also hesitant to get a new computer because I know everyone in the apartment is going to be all over it.   I miss writing and checking my email at home in the privacy of my dining room:(

-P.M.S.: no other explanation required, except it involved sitting in the bathtub under a shower, crying my eyes out and feeling lonely, oh so lonely... P.M.S. turns me into Little Miss Drama.

-Low carb diet: Yeah, it's uber healthy, my skin has cleared up and I feel a bit better, I'm supposed to start losing weight and all I want to do is eat a giant plate of pasta, just eat up all the stuff I can get my hands on. I'm thinking about a brownie from Second Cup, but my cheat day isn't until Saturday...Saturday, the day my sister and I were supposed to throw a party but she has cancelled on. Great. I just need to eat something sweet... Please world, hand me a cookie (peanut butter) and don't let me gain any weight.

-Strained family/friend relationships: Obviously when one starts full force into a committed long-term relationship, there's always a shifting of dynamics. Parents that were so heavily involved in one's life tend to move to the back burner, especially as you begin to realize that in time you will be a parent yourself and you are becoming autonomous, your own person building your own little family, even if it only consists of a long-legged timid greyhound and a snarly yet cuddly fluffy cat. When the four of us, M. with his arms wrapped around me, legs intertwined through mine, all squeeze onto my bed, I feel a swelling, a rush of contentment and happiness. We all belong to each other, but there are pinpricks of sadness, the tiny awareness that things aren't the same anymore with friends and family. Thrust apart by differing world views, I don't want to hear about condemnation or how I'm sinning. Perhaps that's because I'm avoiding feeling of guilt, but I desire to know, to be told that I'm the same person and I am loved just as much as I was before.
There are no more texts in the middle of night from random friends, asking how I'm doing and when we can hang out next. We have all become busy, absorbed in our own lives, and the sooner I settle down to that fact, the happier and more content I shall become with what I do have. I want, more than anything, for my parents to accept the person I am today, to stop asking my sister (and roomie) if I've had sex with M. (she said yes, thanks for tooting the horn), to want to spend time with M., get to know how wonderful he is and how happy he makes me.

There it is, the numerous things, those weights in my world that I carry with me wherever I go and whoever I am with. I look to the person who loves me as much as he can, who spends the most time with me, I look to him and I see problems, I seek out issues.
I always end up feeling as though our fights are due to my own idiocy. Each disagreement pulls us closer to our edge, or so I dramatically feel. Our existence has an expiry date and we're tumbling towards it, but I don't want it to end.
There's a thread running through us: I long to be chased, I long for him to seek me, to come for me when I say I want to be alone. M. does not get this. He speaks rationally. he does not persist with me and I fear his lack of persistance with his art, his dreams--it will all spill over to us, eventually he will give up as he has with so many other things. History will repeat itself. I want to help him, to encourage him to keep trying, to show him that I believe in him and his talent, but I also want him to persist with me; I want him to try with me.

He walks out the door, me, with tears spilling down my cheeks, holding it open. I slam it behind him with a force of vehemence, fear, love and hurt. All I wanted was for him to look past the shower curtain and see me waiting for him, always waiting for him, watching for signs of dwindling persistance. I sit here and feel frozen, hard to believe he is now on a bus, moving away from me instead of towards me, our chance to talk gone.
As with so many things in life, I regret this: that I made our brief parting angry and sad, that I look for signs of his fading love, that I am attempting to harden my heart against him, that words should've been said but were left hanging like cobwebs, clinging elusively to us.

Please don't give up on me, M. If he went away and never returned, a light would be snuffed out in my light and I would wander in the dark for a long time, perhaps for the rest of my life. I'm scared to think of what my life would be without him, afraid I will discover the truth: that I could go on living without him and be self-sufficient and happy. I want to rely on him and to trust him, I want to be a better person for him.   I want to maybe even be a better person for myself, to grow and change.

Dr. F. sits down at the desk a few feet away from me, seemingly burdened as well with the weight of his world: a nineteen-yr-old patient of his who suddenly died. There you have it: we're all carrying different problems with us and we're never free from those things. They come to us in the middle of the night and keep us awake, our brains firing with little signals that jump from lobe to lobe, cerebral cortexes alive and charged with our failures and futures.

Weight of the world, lighten your load please.
~Matt. 11:28-30

Humility

2011-08-23T18:29:00.000-04:00

Humility. I think it's key to any relationship. Of course there's love and commitment and all that good stuff...but humility seems, to my thinking, to be a very important virtue.

When I'm humble, I have the realization that I don't necessarily deserve the good things that come to me. I have done nothing magnanimous or with complete altruism. Humility is the recognition of grace at work and present in my life.

While some people consider it an unhealthy state of mind, perhaps because they believe they deserve all the great things they are experiencing or getting from life, I don't think there is any negative about a good dose of humility. It's grace that brings us to where we are, not the fact that we may "deserve" something.

I think it's so important, vital to relationships, because it keeps me real and it keeps me grateful for the Person I'm with. I can never take him for granted or think that I can do better than him, because such feelings lead to an underlying sense of "I don't need you" or "I can do better".

Maybe sometimes we could be with someone different, but not necessarily better. When we think we can do "better", we begin even subconsciously to take the person we're with for granted. Feelings of resentment can grow and fester from there, as we consider the way they should treat us, at least to our thinking. "He doesn't get me gifts!" "He never takes me out!" "He doesn't satisfy my needs!"

My prayer should be:

Lord, keep me humble. Let me not consider myself greater or better than others. Keep me diminished, grateful and content with all I have. Amen.

What I do have is a wonderful boyfriend. We get each other. He understands the feelings and meanings behind my words, even my texts. I humbly consider all my mistakes I have made, the poor ways that I have treated him and I am once again reminded of grace--grace that we do not owe but that is so freely given to us. We need to give it as much as we receive.

~Peace

Back from hols!

2011-08-22T20:14:00.001-04:00

Dear merciful heavens, I'm ready to plunge a knife into my beating heart as I am held captive at this "job" aka HELL.

Also, I think I possibly aspirated a small piece of a pepperoni stick, which will hopefully come out after a few rounds of hacking and coughing. My eyes watered up like crazy when I got the piece jammed in my throat, although I don't know if I inhaled it or if it scraped it's way down my esophagus to my stomach. I hope, I pray the latter. If this blog isn't update any time soon, that is the reason. I am dead. Either from the plunged knife or the piece of pepperoni.

In the news today:

Jack Layton, leader of the NDP party died after a long struggle with cancer. Even though he vowed to be back in Parliament this coming September, any person involved in the medical field could see the truth of his condition in his gaunt and jaundiced appearance. He was a stirring speaker and I wish he had fronted the Conservative party, but there you have it. Life is always beginning and ending.

And in other news:

My boyfriend lost Licorice's purple leash. It was a nice light-weight nylon purple one that I had found during my move to this new apartment. R.I.P. Mr. Leash. You will be missed.

That's all for now:)

Cohabitation & call bells

2011-08-12T17:47:00.002-04:00

I always over think everything. Every. Single. Thing. I wish I could be one of those people who were reckless and did whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted to, but alas, I am not. All angles must be taken into consideration, all aspects discussed and delved into, every possibility placed rigorously under a microscope for close examination.

The strange thing is, I used to be that type of person--carefree and wild--especially when I was teenager. I was very free spirited, possibly because I had less worries and responsibilities back in those days. "Growing up", carrying around the weight of being financially independent and all those other things, changes everyone. You begin the journey of realization that life isn't simply about creating fun experiences to enjoy--it's also about sacrifice and learning how to be less selfish, becoming more giving to the people you love, making wise choices and taking care of your body.

So obviously, when my Person and I started discussing the very real and imminient possibility of moving in together, I immediately began conjuring up hypothetical scenarios that we would face. Who would pay for what? What if either of our friends became too rowdy? How would we respect each other's belongings? Who will clean the bathroom? The kitchen? What if we fight? Who is responsible for making meals on what night? What if either of our friends drink all our liquor and eat our food? When should be the set time for kicking people out? What if we start to get on each other's nerves due to being in close proximity to each other on a daily basis?

The minute I had a free moment to myself, I went to Google (the answer to all of life's questions) and typed in "questions to ask before moving in with boyfriend" and voila! Up came all these weird links to Wiki Answers and Yahoo Answers which comprised of questions people had posting asking if three months spent with a boyfriend was a long enough amount of time to be prepared for cohabitation.

Even as I read the questions and the many differing answers, I knew with my head that asking that type of question is ridiculous because each person is different, ergo each relationship is subsequently different. There is no standard or magical time where one automatically is prepared to embark into a more serious commitment/relationship. I kept reading though and eventually stumbled upon this: 101 Questions To Ask Your Boyfriend.

It was the most bizarre thing I have encountered in a while; the idea of sitting down with a printed list of 101 questions to ask your significant other seemed strange to me, although I suppose it must work for some people. The questions vary from serious ("Do you prefer to share finances with your partner or keep it separate?") to very personal ("Is there anything we can do in bed that you think is just wrong?) to bordering ridiculous ("Is cheating ever okay?"). Call me crazy, but I believe that if you're even having to ask those questions looking for a serious answer, your relationship hasn't taken off yet and you definitely shouldn't be considering moving in with them.

(I asked a few of those questions in my head to my Person and was relieved that I felt fairly sure of answers I could predict coming from him. Perhaps I'll be weird, print off all the questions and make him sit for two hours and answer every single one in great detail. Especially "Should relationships require work?".)

Moving along with this post which is getting quite lengthy... After delving through the internet for questions to ask before moving in together, I discovered that according to Canada Statistics, couples who cohabitate before marriage are more likely to dissolve their marital union than couples who don't live together before marriage.

My brain went into overdrive after looking at the statistics and reading articles that expound on why this is the case. (Stats can be seen here.) Eventually though, I read a piece that discussed "adverse selectivity". Here is a small bit from the article:

"Finally, cohabiting relationships and post-cohabiting marriages are at greater risk of dissolution than are marriages not preceded by cohabitation. The last factor is likely due to what researchers call adverse selectivity. That is, these relationships attract people who are more willing to dissolve unsatisfactory relationships, rather than remain in them unhappily."

It's a very interesting point proven, but also makes one wonder about the level of commitment and fidelity our society contains. Yes, there are people who say they become trapped in loveless relationships, but on the other hand, when does one give up?

Okay, seriously, enough about relationships, whether long term or explosively short and damaging. Again, I know with my head that there is no way to predict what might come of the choices we make. All we can do is move forward, which I think should become my new mantra: there is no looking back, only moving forward.

Call bells are extremely annoying today, patients ringing every few minutes for the most incredibly unimportant reasons. I sometimes hear phantom ringing in my head when I'm trying to fall asleep and it's then that I make the resolution once more to find a job that I enjoy doing, not a job that has become a necessity of life.

It's Friday and the eve of my nine days off of work. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
~Peace

2011-08-09T13:32:00.000-04:00

After tossing and turning until just after 4 this morning, I fell asleep fitfully for a couple hours and then got up just after 6 for a quick shower and off to work. I've always had problems when it comes to sleep...sometimes it can take me up to 2 hours to fall asleep and when I do eventually fall asleep, I'm often awoken by noises or stirring. It's extremely frustrating to live with and usually after a couple days of getting few hours of sleep, I crash for a long period of time and sleep soundly for several hours.

Anyway, I've become used to falling asleep with a warm body beside me, hand draped over my hip, the sound of his breathing slowly lulling me to sleep. Since January, I've had the most consistent sleep of my life; it no longer takes me hours to drift off, especially not when he most kindly tells me a story which causes me to fade away to dreamland. The most frustrating thing is that he obviously can't be there every single night and those nights are usually the ones that are eves of early mornings at work. I dragged myself to work today and am currently sitting at my desk, alternating between staring into space and trying to find small tasks to do in order to remain alert.

It's amazing how completely one's life can change. The impact that we have on one another is so strong, especially in ways that one doesn't normally consider. Of course you think about things that do change with relationships: less time to spend with friends, arguing and disagreements, being accountable to someone else about various things. The change in sleep pattern is never truly taken into account though and I can vouch for the fact that it is very disruptive.

What else is disruptive? Alesse/Aviane. I meant to write about this earlier but never found the proper time to discuss it. No time like the present.
I've always been a little "ehhhh" and hesitant about birth controls because my mom didn't support them as a viable option of contraception. She said that there is no telling what inducing fake hormones into one's system can do. I started taking them because I was so inconsistent and irregular with my menstruation cycle.

The doctor began me on Tricyclen Lo, which is the standard beginner dose for birth control. It worked well for the first couple months--I suffered from no blatant side effects, except eventually it wasn't strong enough and I began spotting through from cycle to cycle. I called the doctor and told him and for some reason, I still have no idea why, instead of bumping me up to regular Tricyclen, he completely switched me to Alesse (I took Aviane the no name brand of Alesse) thinking it would solve the spotting issues.

Well yes, it did solve the spotting issues, but it opened up a plethora of side effects, being:

-weight gain
-mood swings
-depression
-lack of motivation
-fatigue
-increase in appetite
-increased sensitivity to sunlight

Of all those things-they all suck, btw-the mood swings were the worst. I have never experienced anything like those emotional ups and downs and I thought I was going crazy. I cried almost every single day from mid-February to August. Inititially I would find myself sitting home alone on the couch and randomly starting to cry. I convinced myself that the hormones just needed time to adjust and eventually things would level out but that never happened. I grew more sensitive to things people said, would overreact constantly and I felt like I was losing my mind.

One of my coworkers told me she went through a similar situation with Alesse and had to switch off. I tried to stick it out but it never got better and I called the doctor last week and asked for him to switch me back to Tricyclen, the regular dose. Since calling and talking to him, coincidentally three other nurses have talked to me about their birth control, telling me that they were all on Alesse and experienced the same emotional distress and mood changes. One of them even said that she had been off Alesse for 5 months and "still felt sad".

I fail to understand why this birth control is even on the market still. I guess each body is different with regards to hormone levels and how they function, but it seems ridiculous that it's such a common side effect and we're expected as women to somehow find a way to deal with it. The emotional rollercoaster was exhausting for me to deal with and certainly tiresome for people around me interacting with me on a daily basis.

I've been on the Tricyclen regular for two days now and so far, so good. It's too soon to tell if it will work for me, but I hope it does because I'm running out of patience with this fine tuning of birth control. I went for a long run yesterday with Licorice, something I very sporadically did when on Alesse because I never had any energy or motivation to do so. Hopefully this is the turning of a corner, because frankly, I'm at my wits end when it comes to contraception.

Such is the life of a woman.
And I leave you with some more pictures:

Hamilton at night

The start of a beautiful summer sunset

Continuation of sunset

My handsome man

Happy thoughts to all of you! And don't take Alesse!!!

what is love?

2011-08-04T12:50:00.000-04:00

I had this thought cross my mind today as I was stocking patient charts.

What is love?

What do I consider love to be?

Is it really love or is it an ideal that I've created in my mind that is skewed?

One of my biggest problems is freaking out and having anxiety attacks over minor issues. I work myself into a frenzy and literally cannot turn my mind off. Last night I lay awake on my bed until almost 12 a.m. and considered all the things that could possibly go wrong in my life, financially, physically, relationally, emotionally... I drive myself into negativity, constantly focusing unhelpfully on possible things that could go wrong.

With my brain I rationally know that anything could go wrong. Every relationship has an aspect of risk, is somewhat of a gamble. Physically, you never know what could go wrong with your body, how you may need to seek medical attention. Emotionally we all have scars and demons that we fight with until the day we die.

What is the point in contemplating these negative things and making myself freak out while I'm sleeping alone at night?
Anyway, back to what I contemplate love to be.

I suppose I consider it to be what my parents have shown and taught me. My dad is very respectful of my mom. Of course they would fight--on one occasion she even threw a knife after which we would grab all the kitchen cutlery and hide it when they were getting angry--and they aren't a perfect couple, but one thing my dad has displayed is a respect for my mom.
He would never talk about her and their issues to anyone else because he knew how much that would hurt her. He told us that he loves her more than he loves us--I know that sounds harsh, but she is the person he plans on spending the rest of his life with, not us his children.
My dad and my mom are individually very frustrating people at times and I have a broken relationship with them at the moment, but they have displayed exemplary behaviour when it comes to persevering in a relationship.

So I guess love means perseverance to me and I've constantly made the mistake of throwing in the towel. "Ahh, things are getting hard! Woe is me!" *arms windmilling wildly in the air* "I'm giving up!"
I seem to lack perseverance when it comes to many things, another thing being exercise. I used to be extremely rigid in my daily routine and now I've just become apathetic and lazy. I used to stay on top of my finances and now I'm dealing with credit problems because I've been lazy. I tend to bury my head in the sand when things get overwhelming and scary.

Okay, what else?

I kinda think that love is give and take, each person looking out for the interests of the other. So, automatically when I want something, I believe that it will be given to me because they love me. I suppose that's a very flawed way of thinking. Number one, I shouldn't be considering what I can get from someone, but what I can give to someone. Generosity and thinking about others tends to distract one from negative thoughts. Number two, I shouldn't believe that love hinges on what one can give to you or whether they make good on their promises.

And now, I very highly value promises people make me and I think that is because of my parents again. They made promises to us as children and they failed on multiple times to keep their word. Each time they changed direction we would cry and say, "But...but...you promised!" as if it was the trump card, but then my dad would say, "I'm human, I make mistakes. Sorry." Saying sorry to a twelve year old for not keeping a serious promise doesn't really cut it and it's very hard to forgive.

When people who say they love me make a promise, I expect them to keep it and it hurts me a lot when they don't. It causes distrust to grow in my heart and forgiveness is very difficult. It takes me back to when I was a child and how my parents treated me.

Know thyself. The more I think about these issues, the more light I cast on my current behaviour. I want to be a good partner, I want to be a person who cares about people around them and I don't want to wallow and focus solely on myself. I've allowed myself to live in this place of self pity and negativity when really, God has given me the tools to help people and has created me to express and communicate myself to others. Getting away from sitting at home and contemplating the "what if's" is most likely the key to this situation. The key to opening the door to change, anyway.

Back to "what is love?"...
It's give and take.
It's keeping promises.
It's also...
...considering the feelings of your partner and acting accordingly.

I expect and hope the person I'm with to think about how his actions make me feel and to consider thoughtfully before embarking on whatever he chooses to do. However, that works my way as well. I should probably stop saying "we need to break up" and start saying "how can we work through this?". I should consider the fact that when I get upset or cry, it makes him feel bad...it causes him to feel inadequate.

There are so many aspects when it comes to love, it's overwhelming, but I think I'll settled with those three definitions today.

Give and take.
Keeping promises.
Considering each other.

I'm going to continue contemplating what love means to me and hopefully I will be able to see how I can change and get my emotional responses under control.

To lighten up this entry...

My parents stopped by my apartment last night with a couple of my siblings. They sat with my around the dining room table and we discussed the family reunion we are planning this Saturday. At one point Sue started yelling and defending Josh (who wasn't even there, wtf) and that's how my family is... Loud, annoying, opinionated, dysfunctional, smothering, emotional, and moody. It was nice to have people there to talk to, even though we may not get along or things may be strained. I forgot in that moment about my problems. I stopped obsessing as we tried to trouble shoot the issue of rides. And then I realized when they left that I need to stop being selfish and stop worrying.

Even lighter...

I woke up this morning around 5 and Licorice was pacing around the bedroom, watching Mr. Cat and I sleeping together on the bed. I called his name and he jumped effortlessly up on the bed and curled up on the other side of me. He doesn't just lay beside me...he snuggles up, puts his nose against me and smells me contentedly, rests his head right against my body as if needing the physical comfort. Sandwiched between the two animals that love me so unconditonally, I felt so peaceful and happy.
So fuck it, I'm posting more animal pictures because I love them both.

Here's to continuing down the path of self discovery and enlightenment!

Cheers:)

this & that

2011-08-03T14:36:00.002-04:00

Hamilton Habourfront, Aug. 2009

"I saw your boyfriend walking your dog yesterday."
"We had a fight; I yelled at him." The words tumbled out of my mouth as if I had the compulsive need to confess what had happened to someone.
"I hate boys. I wish I was single," she said in reply.

I don't discuss my personal issues with many people at work because I've learned the hard way: nothing remains hidden. People's deepest and darkest secrets have been exposed many times on our floor, case in point: one of the nurses was seeing a resident quietly for a few months (a married resident for the record) and another nurse happened to see them walking randomly in a park, holding hands. Awkward. And bad timing. In a city of 500,000+ residents, what are the odds?

Anyway, that's why I tend to keep my cards close to my chest. I have a few good friends I work with who I am more willing to discuss these things with--the fact that they've shared personal problems with me also makes me more comfortable to expose myself--but even then, it's very pick and choose about what I let people know and it's difficult for me, because I don't have many close friends to talk to anymore. I feel compelled to talk to someone about issues and worries I have and lately it's only been coworkers who have been willing to listen and help me figure things out.

The second reason why I hesitate to discuss matters of the heart with coworkers is the fact that I can be very proud. I hate admitting that things aren't going as smoothly as I thought they would and I hate telling people that I'm struggling to make sense of something that seems to go so easily for others.

Moving on from there, I found myself reluctantly agreeing with E. Her words "I hate boys/I wish I was single" resonated so deeply within me. I love the person I'm with, but I also hate him sometimes. We lay in bed last night, staring at the ceiling and not knowing what to say to each other and I felt like ripping his poster off my wall, throwing his clothes out my bedroom window (even though there's a giant air conditioner blocking it so that would be impossible) and slapping or punching him. I wanted to hurt him as much as he had (unintentionally, I'll admit) hurt me.

Forgiveness, love and commitment.
Those are the three words that define a relationship, the three things that keep it chugging along. Even as I think about this, there's definitely some anger and upset lurking deep inside of me, the desire to cruelly continue to hurt him lingering. I feel that he doesn't understand the extent that he hurt me, the words said striking so deep, wounding to the core. The most frustrating part is that he doesn't intend to hurt me, words are just so fickle and don't translate well.

Forgiveness. I'm not magnanimous in my natural state. Forgiveness is a hard lesson to learn; I briefly mentioned it in my last post and am reiterating myself--we'll all need it so we all need to learn how to give it.
My parents taught me that forgiveness means to truly grant pardon, to cease to feel resentment against, to let go of an offense. Forgiveness is moving on from the hurt, letting bygones be bygones, allowing the pain to become history. Forgiveness isn't constantly bringing up old hurts and wounds...it's genuinely letting go and moving on.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. ~L.B. Smedes

Commitment. I discovered mid-February that I was falling in love with this wonderful person. Unsure of what to do about the feelings, I wisely kept my mouth shut and waited until he was ready to share his feelings. At the end of February he sat down with me and started talking about his feelings, scared to embark on a new journey but unable to avoid the truth: he loved me. In that moment of intimacy (discovering new love is always intimate), we both made the choice to be committed to each other, to be there for each other during the ups and downs, to be loyal and faithful to each other, semper fidelis and so on.
Even when there are times when I feel like I hate him, I made that commitment those months ago to be with him, to hang on when the going gets rough and every time we argue or cry or hurt each other, I have that thought come to mind--this is the person I chose to love and this is the person I want to be with. This is the person I committed myself to despite any disagreements we may have. This is the man I love. Commitment is more sure and steady than any other virtue, for love can sometimes be defined as just a feeling, dictated by emotion. Commitment is what takes you through the valleys.
Commitment to him made me reach over in the middle of the night and touch his hand. I don't want to be someone who only sticks around when the going is easy; I want to be faithful and constant, I want to be true to my word and I want to be there for this special person.

Finally, love.
It's such an acclaimed emotion and feeling, something everyone pursues at some point in their life. We all feel that our love is the most grandiose of them all, that we love like no other couple has, but love is more than an ideal. Love is the embodiment of many virtues combined together, virtues such as forgiveness and commitment. Christ-like love teaches us to put others first, to reach out to someone even when they have hurt us, to put other's interests before our own. It's best defined by Paul in 1st Corinthians:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ~1st Cor. 13:4-7

I'm not sure where I am even going with this. I feel like a hypocrite writing out all these ideals that I believe a relationship should consist of, when I have such a great storm in my mind and heart...but what else can I do? I can't move back to where I was before because I would lose so much... All I can do is look toward the future with him and hope that we will still be together, that I can somehow find the grace to be a good partner and helpmate.
Where I am insufficient to know what to do or say, God is there in those silences. Relationships are about more than just pleasing each other--they're about learning and growing together, becoming better people and seeking God (or whatever one believes) together in order to strengthen one's faith.

I yelled at someone yesterday that I promised I would never intentionally hurt. I raised my voice angrily to express myself, I said things last night to break him and make him understand how much I was hurting. I didn't communicate reasonably or logically, I couldn't find a way to express my displeasure and pain staidly. I failed in my role of being understanding or supportive.

Back to the top... I hate boys sometimes. I hate this person that climbs into bed with me and promises me things that he doesn't make good on. I hate how he has the power to hurt me so deeply, unlike any other person in my life. I hate how my life has been so completely altered since he arrived in it, so changed from everything I know. I hate how much I love him, how far I would go, how I would bend and stretch for him, how willing I am to change for him. I worry that I'm more 'vested in our relationship than he is and when I express those feelings, he brushes them away and says our love for each other isn't comparable.

I hate how confused I am all the time. I hate how I can't imagine my life without him. I hate how I sometimes feel suffocated by the emotional depth of our relationship. I hate how in some ways I have ceased to function autonomously from him. I hate how I worry and obsess over whether we truly have a future together or if it's all just a pipe dream. I hate how insecure I am about my worth to him.

The thing I hate the most is how uneasy I am about someone else intruding into our relationship and taking him away from me. I fight the demons of anxiety and fear that plague me when I consider the possibility of someone else being the right one for him, I shove away the negative thoughts that ride around the carousel of my mind. Fear makes me want to clutch him closer and hang onto him with all of my being, but wisdom and instinct tells me to let him go and believe he will continue to love me for who I am.

I apologize for rambling on about these things that are mostly irrelevant and boring to read. I'm not sure who else to talk to, where to get advice about what to do. I'm not even sure what there is to do, other than find a way to forgive him for hurting me even when he didn't mean to...and graciously let him spend his time as he wishes instead of expecting him to always love being with me.

I leave with this quote:

Let us forgive each other – only then will we live in peace. ~L. Tolstoy

Much peace and hope for each and everyone of us to move forward.

Fighting on when...

2011-07-30T23:04:00.000-04:00

I've never been hurt by someone I really love. I remember once when I was younger, my Mom and Dad telling me in a wildly misguided effort to encourage losing weight, "You'd have such a pretty face if you were thinner..." as if the potential to be good looking was lurking beneath fat and ugliness.

In a way though, you kind of expect your family to fuck you up to some extent. Everyone around each other for hours, weeks and months start to believe that what they no longer has a lasting or huge effect on each other. It's as though taking each other for granted somehow makes it easier to withstand harsh criticisms and as though it's suddenly okay to lash out angrily and say hurtful things to inflict maximum damage.

Then suddenly I find myself in this new place where I deeply, with a strong sense of emotion, love someone else. It's almost that love where you feel as though you would do anything, or try to do anything for that person and it's unavoidably a bit overwhelming...okay, a lot overwhelming even at times. Anyway, I think back to when we first started "canoodling", spending time together, laying for hours on my bed talking and kissing, making promises to each other...

One of those promises we both repeated several times was: "I'll never hurt you".
In time it changed to: "I never want to hurt you".
Then it was: "I can't promise I won't hurt you".
Now it has become: "I'll probably hurt you but I will always love you".

It's the realistic way that relationships evolve and I know that with my head. We can't go around have this mushy feelings 100% of the time; none of those feelings of being enamoured are substantial and they definitely won't see you through the difficult times.

The difficult times... I never thought I'd be able to feel so many strong emotions simultaneously. I love this person so much, but I also find myself frustrated and so hurt by them and that's what this is all about.

The hurt that accompanies loving someone...because they have the potential to wound you deeper more than anyone else. You give them your heart, you allow yourself to be vulnerable and open...eventually in consequence, because we're all human, we'll do something to cast doubt or to make the other person feel upset or sad.

It reminds me of the line from P.S. I Love You. The main character is talking about her deceased husband and how rude she was to him at times, even though she loved him...how she regretted not constantly expressing her love to him, and her friend (the stereotypical wing-woman) says,
"That's what people do in marriage. They make each other feel like shit."
And while it has a bit of a comedic touch to it *cue canned laughter*, it's kinda true. You come to learn what drives the person you're with a bit batty and then you sometimes use it against them, as ammunition during a battle.

After a situation I went through with the person I love a couple days ago, I was faced with the unavoidable truth: that love isn't easy. Everyone who has been or who is a long term relationship will tell you that and as a single person, you hear what they're saying but you don't truly hear it or believe it. You nod and listen to their wisdom and opinion on love, but until it's happening to you, you don't grasp the depth of what they mean.

But I'm fighting on when the fighting is hard. Forgiveness is a gift we must learn to give unconditionally, especially considering we will inevitably need it at least once.

Leaving with a pic of Licorice all tuckered out after a day at the beach:

running and thoughts

2011-07-19T21:23:00.002-04:00

Ok, I somehow found the energy to go for a run tonight, despite the fact that it's something like 32 degrees Celsius outside, plus the notorious Hamilton humidity that blankets this city. (It's supposed to get even warmer by Thursday this week. Dear God, please magically install my window A/C unit.) Anyway, Licorice and I ran for almost an hour. Honestly, at one point I thought I was going to pass out. I got this huge stitch in my side and starting having problems inhaling deeply. Such is life in a smoggy and humid city.

Now I'm sitting at home enjoying this:

I may (or may not) have stolen that glass from a Montana's.

Yesterday Licorice and I enjoyed the sweet summer night at the dog park:

Driving up a street towards the sunset:

And the final precious moments before dark, when all is still:

Wow, I went off on a huge tangent there. Back to the beginning!
I was running with Licorice and as we were panting down a deserted back street this song by The Killers came on:

Who doesn't kinda love The Killers?
But the thing that caught my attention were the lyrics:

You sit there in your heartache

Waiting on some beautiful boy to

To save you from your old ways

You play forgiveness

Watch it now

Here he comes

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus

But he talks like a gentleman

Like you imagined

When you were young

I've heard the song many times, but each and every time it resonates within me and probably within thousands of people like me...people who grew up going to church, were taught that there was only one acceptable way of life, who were told that their life destination was to meet someone, have kids, be a great mother and wife and eventually grandmother until the circle of life was complete.

Why did I believe that? Probably because I was brought up so strongly in that faith and belief system and I don't believe it's completely wrong. There is joy in being a helpmate to someone, to having children and watching them grow up. These are all natural qualities of being a human, but somehow so many of us Christians become so caught up in the "finding Mr. Right", that when he does come along, he's also expected to be Mr. Perfect because the anticipation has caused such a build up of unrealistic expectations.

It's a lesson I'm learning every day...attempting to combat what has been taught me since childhood...that the person I'm with should be the most important thing that will happen to me in my life. How easy it can become to abandon one's personal interests in order to accommodate a partner into one's life.

The conclusion I arrive at (and I end up here every time) is that A) no one is perfect and the sooner we quit expecting someone to be, the happier and more accepting we will be and B) I need to continue being Marcia and not just consider myself as part of two now. There still needs to be Marcia who is just herself.

Find a way to develop yourself. I'm going to as well.

P.S. As a final note...The best thing about being in a relationship is the fact that you have someone to talk to at any point in time. I mean, I’m sure sometimes our minds wander while the other person is talking, but for the most part it’s fairly awesome to be able to rest beside someone and be completely at ease and content. Peace.

so frustrated!

2011-07-16T21:20:00.001-04:00

You know how you know you're acting crazy? Or you know you're overreacting or being hyper- sensitive? Well, I've had that sensation for the past few weeks but can't seem to do anything about it. It might be the settling into the routine of having a special Person in my life, but I feel more nutty now than I ever have.

Well, that's not really true...

When we first started hanging out, seeing each other, it was only a weekend thing, so I lived for each Saturday night or Sunday night when we'd see each other for the first time in 6-7 days. It was hard...really hard, because I was unsure of how he felt about me and eventually that came to a head, we talked about we wanted and what we were open for... and actually, thinking about that, we had to have that discussion a few times, each time being more open and honest about how we felt.

I was convinced during those days of ups-and-downs/are-we/aren't-we that if I could only get on more solid footing, I would be completely at ease and happy with my relationships.

Here we are, still together over six months later and I do feel a bit more steady in footing regarding our relationship, but it seems like every time we have a bit of a disagreement, I immediately assume we're going to break up. It feels like every moment takes us closer to the end.

Part of it, I think, comes from feeling the pressure of having people being negative about us. I know that my parents don't approve of what I've been doing and that kinda hangs over me and makes me think that they might be right... and self-fulfilled prophecies... it will happen if I keep thinking and acting like it will.

Anyway, as I said, we're still together all this time later, partially I believe because we're so well suited for each other, complimentary in almost every way... I freak out, he calms me down. He doubts his talent, I reassure him... We heal each other as we go along, but we also hurt each other, and I guess that's the new thing that we're going through: the fact that even though we made promises that we would never hurt each other, we are and we do.

Learning to live with that fact--that we will inevitably hurt the people we love--is hard, because it's rarely something we consciously choose to do. Mostly it's a communication problem, something said that hurts... And off we go into a spiral of upset and crying.

I thought that I would get used to the way we were, settle down and settle in, content and happy with the way we are. The fact is--we're never going to be just one way. There will always be change and growth (thank goodness, keeps us from getting bored) and I have to find a way to live with that.

I'm frustrated at myself, for overreacting to situations, to worrying and being concerned, to always thinking negatively.
I wish I could open up my brain, tweak it and then close it back up.

Oh well.

In more news:

Licorice gnawed on the coffee table table. Damn animals. I hate that they're so cute. I also hope this doesn't signify house anxiety or something.

Here's a pic of it (kinda hard to see though...)

And, I got new glasses! I feel kinda meh about them right now because they're so different from my old ones.

Old ones

New ones:

Also, I ate only toast for supper and then some ice cream. I feel fat.

Peace.

Hmm

2011-07-09T22:41:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I sit and think about the life I could be, maybe SHOULD be leading, I consider the ups and downs of what it was like before I chose to pursue this relationship with Matt, and I wonder to myself,
'Am I worse off than I was before?'
But the fact is, I can hardly remember "before" Matt. I can't think of what I used to do. I know it had something to do with sitting around watching True Blood and other such trashy shows, going for runs (far more frequently than I do now) and spending lots of time with friends and reading books at Chapters. However, it seems so much fuller (and overwhelming) now.

Now I have someone to come home and talk with, to sit and hold or be held, to comfort and to comfort me. I have this amazing guy who is so thoughtful, he puts together my dining room table, does my dishes, walks my dog and considers me to be a beautiful person.

It's not about what my life could be or what it should be. It's what it IS, and what it is right now is...wonderful. Oh so wonderful.

Wonderful in the following ways (as I am now determined to make positive Lists--how I love Lists--to keep me joyful and thankful):

A wonderful dog is who quickly learning how to come when called even once off leash! (All thanks to Matthew and the amount of time he spends with Licorice.)
Mosquito bites...even though they're itchy and red, they remind me that it's summer! Yay!
A new dining room table that I got for a great price off of Kijiji! Woot for bargains and for having a table to eat on. Now we just need chairs.
The prospect of camping with some wonderful folks in August.
A jug of cold water waiting in the fridge for me.
Work which means money, even though it sucks sometimes.
Six months! Hitting the six month mark and realizing that love is difficult but real...and I love him so much.

Leaving you with this beautiful song (and hoping you are thinking of things you're grateful for as well):

Love and peace to all.

back!

2011-07-02T23:25:00.004-04:00

I've been frightfully remiss with my blogging as of late. The only pathetic excuse that I can offer is simply that my life has been too busy, but that's not completely true. I spend time laying about, daydreaming, contemplating all the things I should be doing and am not doing. It's a frightful cycle.

Also, there's that little thing of having a boyfriend, a Person, a partner, a lover, a friend... There's such a comfortable intimacy between us now, all those spaces filled with love, the whispers of comfort and love. I can't begin to boast of my lover's kindness and gentleness, his sadness when he disappoints me or unintentionally hurts me, the thoughtfulness he displays... It's easy to feel that one gives more, but when I truly sit and think about the person he is, I know that he gives and goes above and beyond for me, just as (I hope) I do for him.

Is that what relationships are based on? I guess the equality of feelings, the desire to commit and make things work...I don't think you can put your finger on one quality that will fix a relationship or will guarantee it's longevity...it's a combination of virtues that cause relationships to grow or to die.

Anyway, it's ridiculously humid out, where isn't Canada supposed to be the land of cool and ice? The perspiration, beads of sweat and general feeling of griminess is truly disgusting so I'm trying to move as little as possible and drink water, lots of cold water.

Hope all is well with you, my dear readers. Much peace.

Haters gonna hate.

2011-06-15T23:39:00.002-04:00

I still love Hanson.

"All I know is that fear has got to go this time around..."

The Five Love Languages, #1

2011-06-15T10:43:00.005-04:00

I wish I didn't expect people to demonstrate their love to me the same way I express my love for them. I could write endlessly, blog on and on about my feelings, discuss my emotional responses to how people treat me (see in particular: the Person), but I guess I have yet to accept the fact that people show me their love in very different ways. I mean, it might be easy or even freeing for me to quickly type out how I feel but practically impossible for other people. Somehow I always think though, that if they really loved me, they would manage to show it in a way that I understand.

So my good friend Kell recommended a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. She explained it like this:

We all have different ways of communicating or showing our love to each other and we individually value those ways as a demonstration of love. If you're in a relationship with someone you love and they speak a different language than you do, miscommunications occur and feelings are hurt. On top of that, it's hard for you to show the person you're with how much you care for them.

Sound intriguing? The list of the five love languages include:

-acts of service
-physical touch
-quality time
-receiving gifts
-words of affirmation

Say my love language is "physical touch" and my Person's love language is "quality time". We might not be able to fully express our love for each other because we value two different things and we look for them in order to find happiness.

You can even take a simple 30 questions assessment on the website and discover what kind of love language you communicate with. I know that most of the time these things some gimmicky but it's completely free and interesting to see what the quiz will turn up!

I had a tie with two love languages!: physical touch and acts of service.
Here are the two explanations on those love languages:

Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

And there you have it. You can take the assessment here.
I'm going to run to the bookstore on Friday and grab a copy of the book for myself because I'm fairly sure I can learn something helpful from this book. I shall keep you readers updated on my journey through this book and learning process.

Bust Yo Ass

2011-06-07T23:16:00.002-04:00

I've been loving this oldie but goodie:

It's humid out. Too humid to run almost, but we press on.

The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests.
-Epicurus

Lightning and being broke: the current life of Marcia

2011-06-07T14:35:00.004-04:00

I roll over, briefly waking from my sleep and push a random key on my cellphone which is laying on the bed beside me: 4:39 a.m. The space beside me in my bed is still empty and Licorice, sensing my movement and knowing I'm awake, begins pacing about the room and eventually jumps up on the bed beside me and lays down with his head on the pillow next to mine. I wonder how much dogs can truly comprehend. Some nights that space is occupied and other nights it's empty. Does Licorice remember someone sleeps there occasionally and is he intentionally trying to fill the spot?

Even though it's early and I've only had about four hours of sleep, I toss and turn restlessly. I'm no longer afraid for the person who should be with me, I'm simply so used to his presence, even Licorice's lanky body spread across the bed next to me doesn't cut it anymore. I need him there, especially when he says he will be there and I am anticipating his arrival.

It's a strange thing need--so often it creeps up on us unexpectedly. One minute you're gaily (or obtusely) passing through life without requiring anyone to help you other than someone to hold the door open for you when your arms are full of packages. The next you're surprisingly head over heels in love with someone you never expected and you find yourself becoming so used to having them around, it's as though your life never existed without them. Sometimes I sit and try to think about what my life was like before I met him, but nothing comes to the surface.

"Sue," I asked my sister last night, "When you were dating Eric (her now ex-boyfriend who she is stuck working with) did you ever forget about what you life was like without him?"

"He was so much a part of my life, when I thought about it, it seemed as though he was always there," she replied and then went back to solving her word puzzle.

"Sometimes, sometimes I can't remember what I did before I started dating him," I confess.

"You were really boring."

Zing.

Trust sisters to keep you grounded.

5 something a.m. and I'm dozing when I hear the tell tale creak of the apartment door and the sound of a heavy backpack hitting the wood floor. A minute later the hallway creaks with the sound of his feet and he comes into the room and pads about quietly, unaware I'm awake and listening.

I stir and he pauses and comes over the bed, bends over and kisses me when I sit up. "Sorry I'm late, babe," he says and then goes on to explain what he was doing.

"There's a crazy lightning storm going on out there..." he adds.

Suddenly I notice the streaks of lightning going sideways across the sky and the distant rumbling of the thunder. A light breeze ruffles the curtains and he moves the fan to the end of the bed so we have a small respite from the weight of humidity of that cloaks the room.

The storm continues on for a while and I lay on my side watching the lightning through a small crack in the black curtains. He rests his hand on my side and kisses my neck. I feel safe. Sleep is suddenly overpowering and I close my eyes and slip away.

A disturbing dream about how he was talking about me to someone, laughing at me and mocking me behind my back woke me up abruptly and I rolled over.

"I had a bad dream about you," I say sleepily. "Don't ever change."

He opens his eyes and looks at me, mumbles "Okay" and falls back asleep.

I drive back from dropping him off at his work in a neighbouring city. The highway is so congested on the return trip, what should be a 45 minute breezy drive turns into over an hour and a half of hell, sweating in the sun, Licorice panting in the back seat. My left arm is significantly darker than the right: driver's tan.

Overdraft feels bad. I drain my account to pay a number of bills and still have so much more to pay. Sitting down and working through my expenses for the month of May, I come to the disturbing conclusion that I spend far more money on eating out than I should. The new resolution for June (joining the break from drinking and smoking) is to severely cut back on such spending. Surely there is a way to enjoy life without eating out multiple times a week...

That's it.

That's my life right now.

Yesterday we lay on the grass outside the apartment and stared at the puffy white clouds drifting by. It was free and it was peaceful. I guess there are many things one can do in this city and in life without paying money, so I will now begin to keep a running list of such things.

#1: lay on the grass and cloud watch

Stay posted.

The only thing we have to fear...

2011-05-24T16:39:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I have these strange attacks of fear that leave me breathless and confused. My mind literally feels alien to me and there is uncomfortable sensation of not belonging in my own head. The worst part of it is the knowledge that these moments of anxiety are all self induced. I'm sitting at my desk and suddenly I feel...unlike myself. I start to worry that those feelings are mental problems, from there I start to imagine the mental problems I could possibly have and I have to forcibly push those thoughts from my mind and focus on something else in order to avoid becoming more worked up and anxious.

Then, the fact that I have to avoid these thoughts starts to worry me and I wonder if this is something I'll battle with for the rest of my life and whether I'll have the endurance to spend the rest of my existence constantly denying negative fears that seem to prey on my mind.

I sat down at work during a down time and tried to put my finger on what exactly it is that scares me.

Number one is having the person I care about the most leaving me, even though he has reiterated over and over, again and again, telling me he will come back and he loves me. I woke up at 4:30 this morning and he wasn't there; suddenly I was seized with fear that he was hurt somewhere or had simply decided he didn't want to be with me.

The number two thing I'm scared of is becoming mentally unstable or insane (even though we have no family history of such a thing happening. I used to be irrationally scared of having HIV and now I'm fixating on something else. Why the hell do I do this to myself?? Why do I allow myself to get so caught up in these stupid worries that only drive me crazy!

So sometimes I lay in bed freaking out internally that things are going to spin out of control beyond what I can handle or that he'll leave or that I'll be diagnosed with some random disease...just all these ridiculous things that I realize in the light of day are just that--ridiculous.

Which brings me to two quotes that I feel the need to meditate and consider thoughtfully as I slowly come to grips with all these worries:

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love.
-1 John 4:18

Which reminds me that God's love for us is perfect and only God does not fear. As humans we all have that natural sense of fear, whether it's for the well being of the ones we love or for ourselves or just a general sense of malaise... The tricky part of it is learning that fear itself can bind us up and cripple us, fear becoming worse than the thing we're afraid of, bringing me to my next quote that Franklin D. Roosevelt repeated during his inaugaral speech in 1933 regarding the Depression which had impacted America:

So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance...

The quote "We have nothing to fear but fear itself" was originally coined by Francis Bacon, a philosopher from the 1500s who said with such conviction:

Nothing is to be feared but fear itself. Nothing grievous but to yield to grief.

I guess what I'm slowly learning every day that is this: I cannot allow myself to get caught up in these morbid fears that prey on my mind. I've been given so much and have many things to be grateful for; perhaps focussing on contentment and happiness will enable me to move from living in fear to living fully and victoriously. Even though many of my religious viewpoints have changed in the past year, I know with my heart that God, the God I've chosen to believe in, cares about us and wants us to live our lives awake and completely. The answer to these thoughts that negatively affect my mind and physical state may be that I not only need to focus on the good things I have--I also need to focus on God and the plans that He has for me.

Here's to hoping that the future will burn even brighter than it does now.

awakening

2011-05-16T19:38:00.002-04:00

Today I was walking from my car back into my apartment, climbing up the concrete stairs that lead to the building door, arms full of Licorice's blanket and a container of green beans and basmati rice, the dog himself at the end of his bright red leash which was wrapped around my hand.

An eccentric looking older man with thick dark rimmed glasses and a fedora paused on his way out of his apartment building which is opposite mine. "What a character that dog is!" he exclaimed with delight. He went on to discuss how Licorice's cow doggie marks and his general appearance make him look like a dog with a great personality.

We started talking about art. He recited some of his poetry to me and talked about the seven arts which are:

poetry/literature
visual arts (paintings/photography)
sculpture
dance
music
architecture
theatre (drama)

and I was educated about those individual arts and the merits of each of them. We discussed the city of Hamilton and how it was making a transition from simply being blue collar to also containing something special for those who seek to make an artistic career for themselves. He told about several interesting galleries and performers coming to Hamilton and the fact that a rich ultra-Conservative David Braley has paid for free admission to the Hamilton Art Gallery on Tuesday and Thursday. (You can read more about Braley here.)

Of course the topic swung around to the personal art that we have done and I mentioned a bit about how I was interested in doing photography years ago and how it's still something I have a fondness for.

"You're what we call a shadow artist," he pontificated. "You're watching and following the art circles while your own interests and talents have been laid aside for the time being."

He's right. I have put away those dreams for whatever reason, mainly that life is about surviving and that's what I've been doing for the past few years--working to survive and pay bills that I still feel constantly behind on. So, I've allowed myself to become stagnant in my current while become more and more miserable with the situation.

But like all meetings in life that are meant to occur, he went on to say an encouraging word to me. "Your art will awaken when it's the right time..." and Lance went his separate way while Licorice impatiently led me up the stairs and into our large and beautiful apartment with huge windows that let in sunshine and moonlight, a door that people I love pass through on a daily basis, couches that we recline in while laughing and crying...

I feel so much more content now. There's this certainty that eventually I'll find the right way to go and even better, I have an amazing Person who will be travelling beside me and encouraging me along the way.

Don't be discouraged if you feel lost or adrift with your life; everything happens for a reason and you simply need to be patient and wait until the perfect time to bloom arrives for you.

Much love.

in time we find our way

2011-05-09T17:47:00.004-04:00

in the matter of all things related to the heart
we often fail to see the truth so clearly in front of us
and muddle through confusion which we cause

but in all the failing, trying and falling
i know i'd choose it over and over

in time we find our way to love

in time we find our way to be

how I love life

2011-05-07T23:12:00.002-04:00

we walked down concrete paths

he held my hand, he whispered "I love you"

the church was built in 1847

the nose rings from Uzbekistan larger than life

coffee a drug for all of the masses

and the service for tacos slow

drank Fruitopia and vodka

wandered home and lay side by side

cried tears of happiness and fear

felt alive

summer is coming!

2011-05-06T12:12:00.002-04:00

This is the most peaceful I have felt in a long long time.

I sit at my desk. The hubbub has finally died down around me and all I can hear is the hissing of a patient's O2 and our fan in the station, whirring at the sound level of a Cessna.

My boss has been away for the entire week and she did not bother to inform anyone of that fact. The nurses discuss this avidly. How did she get nominated for Nursing Manager Excellency?, they all wonder in the staff room while on break together.

But who cares? I'm done work in less than three hours and have the entire weekend off. It's supposed to rain later today, but clear up and remain sunny for the rest of the weekend. The happiest thought is that summer is coming. Summer is coming! Warm dry days, thunderstorms that crackle and leave your hair frizzy, sunburns, flipflops, the smell of sunscreen, campfires, long days with vibrant sunsets, twilight when everything seems almost magical, walking down James Street and seeing the kaleidoscope of cultures stirred together...Summer is coming!

I remain cheerful despite the fact that it's terribly grey outside and the rain is inevitably going to fall again. My boyfriend is a wonderful and giving person. My animals are hysterically cute and amusing with their antics. My sister makes for a great roommate despite the fact that she keeps stealing my hair products and shoes. The apartment itself is a lovely space that I'm growing to appreciate more and more...

Yes, I have much to be grateful for. I hope you are anticipating this summer and period of warmth as much as I am!

How to write fiction

2011-05-04T18:56:00.003-04:00

I don't know how or where to start.

First, there are so many options--plays, scripts, short stories, novels, essays, poems... I don't even know where to begin.

Second, what is one supposed to write about? What do I really know about life that is worth writing a novel over? Should I start at the beginning? I always find that the beginning just discourages me.

Third, how does one develop empathetic and loveable characters? I have no idea where to start or how to go about crafting a fictional character that is interesting enough to captivate a reader.

Why am I even seriously considering this? I don't have the ability to commit to a long term project like this and I most likely do not possess the stamina to forge on through pages and pages of attempting to create characters, plot lines and milieus.

Plus, I don't want to be one of those people who try to write stories for their entire lives and never manage to break through into the world of fiction. There has to be another career or type of writing that I can get into which is less competitive.

Photography and writing? Who knows. All I know is that I'm sick of my job. Time for a change.

Current Music

2011-05-02T21:47:00.002-04:00

Lately I'm loving on Adele's "21". Her previous album "19" was released when she was, in fact, actually 19. In her 21st year she has released her newest compilation of songs and it's fantastic!

Her voice is rich and powerful, full of timbre.

I give you her new single "Rolling In The Deep" here. Download it & give it a listen!

dreams

2011-04-28T19:41:00.004-04:00

I've been led to wonder lately how much of our subconscious is manifested through our dreams and are dreams possibly the way that our body or our mind is trying to tell us something?

What leads me to wonder about this? Recently my dreams have been extremely vivid, especially in the morning. I can remember all the details about what occurrences happened, where I was, colours and fixtures on walls, people I know who have somehow made their way into my subconscious...people who I haven't seen in years...it's strange and leaves me a bit uneasy at times.

Perhaps it's the fact that my dreams have had people from my past in them, or the fact that the people from my past have been interacting with people in my present (in my dreams) and somehow it feels as though my two worlds are colliding...

I have this Person, in my life now and even though I think we're pretty close, I still have parts of my life that he doesn't know about. It's nothing dramatic like a stint in juvie or a brief appearance on Mr Dress Up...it's just bits of my childhood that he doesn't know about and probably wouldn't understand, and in my dreams these two separate parts of my life are violently colliding.

In this morning's dream I was standing in a hallway/cafe of a house-turned-hotel and he said he'd wait for me while I went to the washroom. I went to bathroom and took too long; when I got back he was gone and people that I haven't seen for years were sitting at his table. I tried to run out of the strange building and ended up on a country road where a horse with the same colouring as my dog was about to be put down.

It was strange and discomfiting to say the least. I ask myself why I'm dreaming about him leaving me alone in a strange building and have come to the conclusion that I'm probably still partially afraid that he'll leave me, even though I try to bury that fear deep down, dismiss it and not let it show to him.

So I'm trying to grasp why I've been having these strange dreams lately, trying to figure out what might be causing them, attempting to understand what my mind is telling me through sleep. Our brains are always active even when we're buried deep under the cloak of sleep so clearly something is bothering me...something that is poking through my cloak and causing me to start awake, feeling a bit uneasy and scared.

Working through it...slowly working through it...

My Guilty Pleasure -- No. 2

2011-04-27T19:54:00.002-04:00

I started a series of "guilty pleasures" a long time ago and only made one post on it. I guess the series aspect of it never panned out, so I thought I would try again and admit to another guilty pleasure that I have and indulge in on a weekly basis.

Desperate Housewives.

I know, I know. Pure trash airing on a Sunday night, but I can't help myself. The first season hooked me with it's plot about a character's suicide, the torrid affair between an unhappily married wife and a gardener, a mother struggling to juggle her duties as wife/mother/professional career woman... There were so many interesting stories in season one.

The show probably hit it's stride around season three and has slowly but steadily slipped since then. The characters have become shrewish and it is difficult to empathize with them. The fact that the actresses themselves are obviously ageing but not being allowed to do so with dignity is a little off-putting. The plot lines, which were always a bit stretched, are now past the line of being absurd.

Yet I keep watching because I have this obsession with shows that I've begun...I have to watch them from beginning to end and I've only broken that rule once--with Gossip Girl. Enough said, I've purged that show from my memory anyway.

More on topic--in the most recent episode of DH one of the husbands gives his wife an ultimatum--choose to side with your friend (whose teenage son had run over his grandmother) or stand by me. He seems extremely serious and pan the camera to the pleading eyes of his wife.

Since watching that episode, I've given quite a bit of thought to ultimatums. When are they right or fair to make? If you truly love someone, will you ever give them an ultimatum? When does making forcing an ultimatum simply become manipulation?

I don't have the answers to any of those questions and I would guess that all the answers would be situational anyway. There is no black-and-white, right-and-wrong rule to using ultimatums. I would hope that in my relationships I will never have to, but who knows? People are unpredictable and human/flawed.

Cue next scene: pleading housewife knocks on said friend's door and enters with her two children trailing behind her.

Sometimes it feels wrong giving into ultimatums. The whole relationship changes when you allow yourself to be controlled or manipulated by someone who says that they love you.

And this is why I love Desperate Housewives. It leads me to these interesting thoughts.

Happy Belated Easter and yet another Monday...

2011-04-25T13:50:00.003-04:00

I worked all weekend.

Nothing, nothing is worse than working when everyone else (or what feels like everyone else) has the weekend off and is out gadding about in the beautiful spring weather while I am stuck inside for a long and boring 9-5 shift through the entire weekend.

Only one thing brought me back to work today...the time and a half incentive. I could barely roll out of bed this morning, feeling tired and generally gross. At least I know I'll be able to sleep in tomorrow....yesterday was probably the worst shift of the entire weekend, getting up early with the knowledge that I have to get up early the next day as well. Exhausting.

What broke up the mundane weekend was my Person staying at my apartment with my dog during the day, leaving me free to work without having to worry about walking back and letting the dog out. He came by the nursing station around four and handed my keys, smiling and saying there was a surprise back at the apartment for me.

I got back to the apartment a bit after five and saw a row of chocolate eggs lined up along the mantelpiece. A single pink wrapped one lay on my pillow, which lay on my neatly made bed, the sheet tucked in between the box spring and mattress, the duvet laid out and smoothed over the bed.

The kitchen, which had been a huge mess for several days, was entirely clean. All the dishes (I think almost every single dish was dirty) were washed and put away in the cupboards. The oven was cleaned, the skillet washed, the counter spotless...

Three eggs in gold wrappers sat on the counter with an index card that read "Happy Easter", a small doodle on the back.

He called me right after I texted him a heart felt thank you and he told me to turn on my computer. My desktop had a new background, a piece of artwork which he had created on his computer, an intricate pattern made just of the word "love".

There's something beautiful about feeling as though you belong with someone. There's something comforting about knowing that there's someone thinking about you and wondering how you are or what you are doing in that moment. There's something wonderful about the realization that someone loves you even in your lowest moments when you're crying, snotting into your pillow, wallowing in self pity.

So even though it's been a long weekend with work, it's also been a great weekend with my good friend, with my lover, with the man I want to be with for a long time...
Sometimes I feel uncertain, as though maybe I'm not the right person for him and that he'll come to that realization very quickly. Mostly I doubt my own ability to maintain a healthy relationship, mainly because I never have before. Anyway, choosing not to dwell on these negative things is going to be my new course of action. Why worry about something that is at least partially out of my control? I know it's my character, it's what I do, but I have to find a way to break away from the negativity and choose to be happy.

Which brings me to another new experience I had this weekend: meeting his grandparents.
Obviously you're always a bit nervous to meet someone's family...even more so with the older members of the family because their opinion seems to matter more and they have more weight with decisions and whatever...I'm not sure why it matters more. Regardless of that theory, he invited me to his small family Easter dinner upon my insistence that I wanted to meet more of his family members. It was just his parents, his brother, his grandparents and us two...so completely different from my family dinners and gatherings.

His grandparents spoke fluent Hungarian and broken English. At one point, after the most delicious and varied meal that I've eaten in a long time, his grandma turned to him and I and said in such a charming manner, "Do you full?" She also somehow managed to make many of her statements sound like sexual innuendos. The best grandma yet.

She's so sassy and approachable, full of a zest for life, an openness to meet new people and accept them into her life and she has such a deep affection for her grandson. For me, it's easy to understand why she loves him so much; he's friendly and kind, warm hearted through and through. Standing on the outside of the family dynamic and looking in, I could see which parent the boys were similar to and to my eyes, he's a male version of his grandma.

She kissed me on both cheeks when I left and said to him, "Be good to her", although I think he was busy and didn't hear. I left the house full and relieved that I hadn't said or done anything that had caused his family to look at me askance. During a few moments I felt as though they were eyeing me, as though I was a foreign object, as though I was a phase that he is going through and would eventually be done with. It was an odd sensation, not entirely enjoyable, but it passed quickly when he sat beside me at the table and rubbed my leg comfortingly, touching my hand, shoulder, leg or back constantly through the entire night.

That night, Friday night, seems so long ago although it's only been four days. My schedule is all confused now due to working through the weekend. I'm going home in an hour to sleep; I feel seriously sleep deprived.

Below, the index card he drew on which is now firmly tucked in my journal for safe keeping.

weird doctors and banana sculptures

2011-04-20T22:12:00.002-04:00

Today at work was weird.

I almost fell asleep at my desk (again). It appears I am hitting some sort of wall every day around 4:30 pm. I'm not sure what it is or why, but noise started fading in an out and I had that strange humming you get in your ears right before you're about to drift off and there's lots of noise happening around you.

Forced my eyes open when my boss came around the nursing station pretending to be friendly and nice. Internal muttering and cursing occurred.

Later in the day, the strangest thing. A surgeon and his resident was sitting at my desk, using my computer and my phone, when the patient call bell rang and I leaned in between him and the nurse next to him to grab it.

I guess he didn't like that because he was talking to the nurse and I was (very temporarily) blocking their conversation. He literally grabbed my hip and shoved me back out of his way while saying, "Tsshhttt tshhhtt tsshhht, I'm talking to her". It was the strangest thing ever.

First, the "tsshttt's" were strange. It wasn't even an English noise. He came here from Israel, so I think it may have been a sound of annoyance in Hebrew? It was strange, as I said.

Second, grabbing my hip/side? I have big and unattractive hips. Why would he touch me there? He could have just tapped my arm or shoulder. Nope, he went right in and grabbed my hip/abdomen region.

Third, I don't even know him! He's only been cutting with our floor for about two months, maybe. We've never had a conversation before.

I backed away from the desk right away and was like, "Well, I'm trying to answer this call" and walked away. He must have known what he did was kinda odd because he smiled at me later when he said goodnight. I just stared sternly at him.

People are...well...I just...ODD. REALLY ODD.

Speaking of odd, check out the picture below.

A sculpture made out of a banana:

Apparently this is what Asian people do. You can see more of them here.

Peace.

2011-04-19T21:49:00.000-04:00

summer sun come quickly and last

work and how life sucks

2011-04-17T20:26:00.002-04:00

I believe we should find some satisfaction in our jobs, whether it's serving coffee, working at a hospital, making art for the public, holding a "$5 fresh pizza" sign on a side walk, teaching children how to read, walking on iron building structures thousands of feet in the air, or testing people to assess whether they're able to drive properly.

Clearly the word "work" has some negative connotations for a good reason. Work is the thing that we have to do. We can't, I can't live without going to work because I wouldn't be able to pay assorted bills or enjoy leisurely activities without a steady source of income. Work is what we're forced to do even if we don't feel like it and that is part of becoming an adult...doing things that you don't necessarily want to do.

But lately I've been wondering where the line is between hating the need or requirement to work and simply hating your job. For a while I was content to go to work and I enjoyed spending time there, especially considering the pay cheque I was receiving...but lately it's become apparent to me that pay cheques do not keep one happy long term. I look forward to work shifts with a sick feeling in my stomach sometimes. I'm sick of the negativity that seems to breed in the nursing stations, that has pervaded my life and my mind set.

I was never the person to drop the word "fuck" multiple times in a sentence and now I find myself saying "fucking hell" or "that's fucking bullshit" or "I'm fucking outta here" all the time. It's disturbing. I even accidentally said it in front of one of my friends who doesn't curse or use impolite words.

And I've never been the person to bring work issues and frustrations home, but now after a particularly long and annoying day, I storm home cranky and barely manage to hold a conversation with people around the apartment without wanting to freak out. I can't believe how much my work has affected my attitude and I hate it.

There it is--I almost completely hate my job. I don't feel challenged to use my brain, to learn new things, to problem solve...I don't feel encouraged to "be all I can be", to discover and explore possibilities, to change and become better at anything. I simply exist at work. Walk there, sit down and do my job, stare across the nursing station and into the hallway, answer the phones politely and direct people, transcribe orders and do paperwork, enter tests on auto-pilot, all the while hating it. Just fucking hating it.

I could do that job with my eyes closed. Except for the reading and writing part...which is actually a big part...so never mind, I couldn't. What I mean is, it has become so tedious and predictable and I feel unhappy there.

People say, if you feel unhappy make the necessary changes to your life in order to find what you want to do, but I always come back to this--

One never has a job that they're completely happy with. Complaining about work seems to be a very common thing and perhaps I should be content with the fairly decent job that I currently have instead of bitching on about it.

And two, I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm lost in this world that is surrounding me, too consumed with this guy, too over wrought as I consider the unpredictable future, too obsessive compulsive about certain things, so fucking scared of stepping out. I hate hate hate this person I've allowed myself to become, comfortable but despising where I am. I used to be so brave and so ready to take on the world and now I've somehow become introverted and ridiculously tentative when it comes to making big changes.

Find what you love and do it. That's what people say and that's what I need to do... find something that I love and do it no matter what it takes to get there. I'm already twenty-six, I feel old when I get called "ma'am", time inexorably ticking by and I'm going to be left behind...

Snap out of it! Seize the day, take what you can, try something new, be all you can be, do one thing everyday that scares you, live on the edge...

Tell me what I can do to spur myself on...

poetry

2011-04-12T16:04:00.005-04:00

I haven't written poetry in weeks, maybe months. I can't remember the last time I sat with my worn down pencil and let the words flow out in short sporadic bursts, smudging the clean white paper with confused and questioning thoughts, sometimes thoughts of certainty, usually thoughts of self disgust and worry. I could try but the idea of attempting to force my emotions out into sentences that will later seem pithy and unimportant...that idea truly disgusts me. I've never had a writing blockage like this before. But I want to say:

"I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my life"
the shoe drops, the clock hand turns, lungs rise and fall
gravity pulls me back, a tear rushes to my eye, the phone rings
a nurse complains, life continues on to them unchanged
I sit in my chair, bruised knees under my desk, feet on the floor
I sit in wonder and astonishment of this love that I don't deserve
I sit in fear and worry that he'll take his love back from me
my foot taps, time moves on to three-thirty, I breathe in and out
reality hits me again, I brush the tear away, I hang up the phone

I guess I still have some poetry in me.

Nestor aka I want him

2011-04-08T14:30:00.003-04:00

bomb di bomb di dang di dang diggy diggy

Bust Yo Ass

2011-04-07T22:47:00.002-04:00

I've been loving on the this song lately:

A nice upbeat tempo to keep you running.

The weather is slowly getting warmer despite a few cold nights here and there. Hope you're enjoying the fresh smell of spring like I am!

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.
-William Jennings Bryan

the Internet is too busy for me

2011-04-06T13:26:00.005-04:00

There are way too many social sites on the Internet.
As of right now I have accounts at:

Myspace (why oh why do I still have this?)
Facebook
Blogspot
Livejournal
Tumblr
Twitter
a varied assortment of forums about: greyhounds, motorcycles, the GTA, LOST, etc
IMDb
Hotmail
Gmail
Yahoo Mail
Yahoo Answers
Wikipedia
OKCupid (what is this I don't even)
eHarmony
and probably many more than I can't think of on the spot.
It's getting out of control.

Fortunately I'm stupid and basically use the same variation of one password for every account. It would be ridiculously easy to gain access (and control) over my Internet life.

Perhaps my life is simply too cluttered in general. I consider that fact when I look at the messy apartment (stuff is still in boxes!), think about my relationship with my family members (um...dire), and contemplate all my Internet accounts that I rarely utilize.

The more I think about all the things in my life that I need to somehow sort through, the more overwhelmed I get and the greater the urge I have to run. Run away from the craziness that is just threatening to storm down!
I want to be here:

I hate work today with all my heart.

Also, I've been using my Tumblr more often. The link for it is in the sidebar. Damn you Internet! Sucking me into yet another site!

"I Love And Forgive Myself"

2011-04-05T22:44:00.004-04:00

My Person is an amazing artist. I know how people get about their significant others. They start to look at the person through rose tinted shades. When they talk about how their partner is an amazing singer or musician or a genius...well, you take everything they say with a grain of salt.

But he seriously has such talent when it comes to artwork and I feel completely untalented when I look at his stuff.

I thought I'd post a little example.

That artwork is made entirely from the words I Love And Forgive Myself.

(You can view more of his artwork here.)

I like the positive message he chooses to build his art on.

I kinda like him period.

2011-04-02T22:28:00.003-04:00

There are always things, material items in life that we want. My list follows:

-new glasses

(actually, I'd take laser eye surgery over new glasses but I can't do it yet)

-a good camera to get back into my photography

-a motorcycle

(hopefully I'll finally be able to take the motorcycle course this year)

-a frame for my bed

(seriously, how much longer am I going to leave the mattresses on the floor)

-a hutch for the kitchen

-a sound system for the living room

-an iPod classic

I guess it's not too long of a list and a lot of those things are doable.

My parents taught me many life lessons and beliefs, but one of the main things was the evil of gathering too many material possessions and making them more important than the people in your life.

It's definitely a fair point. So much of our society is dedicated to self gratification--seeing something we want and taking it regardless of how much it will cost us in the future.

Thus, we're a society that lives in debt (totally speaking for myself) and we haven't learned how to wait...how to be patient.

That reminds me of one of my co-workers from my Second Cup days. She was an older lady who mothered all of us. Her name was Sue; her work name was Mama Sue. She was basically a second mother to me for two years. When I went through a time of withdrawal and a period of depression, she didn't press me for reasons why I was so different and cold...she waited for me to slowly come back to myself, with acceptance and love. She is basically an ideal mother.

Anyway, she would constantly say to me over and over again "good things come to those who wait". I think it was her life adage or mantra. She said it so often and so convincingly, I started believing it. Even though a part of me doubted that she was right, it had to be true... The pieces had come together for so many people around me...surely my time would come soon.

It has.

I have this crazy cat who chases you around the apartment playfully clawing at your ankles. He's also mastered the art of opening bedroom doors that are just a bit ajar and he is currently sitting on a jigsaw puzzle spread over a table, watching me contentedly. In the morning he climbs up on the bed and purrs loudly, kneading his paws happily on your body and cuddling with you.

Then there's the newest addition, a large and sensitive dog that follows me anxiously around the apartment, as though he fears loneliness and separation. I think he just might be the dog version of me. He's settled on a blanket in the living room, his head facing my way, his long gangly legs outstretched across the floor. We went for a run for the first time tonight and he barely moved his legs while I panted beside him.

My sister is out right now and I'm waiting for her to come home before I head to bed. I can't sleep without someone in the apartment. I'm so used to noise and people that it's hard to settle under the covers by myself; it feels lonely and cold. She has the strangest habits and mannerisms but I love spending time with her and talking to her. She swears at the animals as she trips over them running around her and under her feet, but I've caught her sneaking a cuddle with Mr Cat and talking to Licorice as though he can talk back.

Those are three things that mean more to me than the list of "wants" I posted at the beginning of this blog. I think it boils down to this--do you appreciate the things that you have right in front of you?

In the inspirational words of T.I. (who woulda thought?):

Everybody right here, what you need to do is be thankful for the life you got. Stop looking at what you ain't got and start being thankful for what you do got.

Peace and love.

P.S. Dug up this old photo of Sue and I. Ah the memories.

craziness AND happiness! yes!

2011-04-01T20:04:00.004-04:00

My boyfriend (wow, it still feels so weird to call him that or think of myself as in an official relationship) is the nicest and sweetest person ever. Yesterday he texted me in the afternoon and told me he was getting another tattoo on his leg. I replied a couple hours later with a "can't wait to see it lalala *supportive girlfriend*".

Then I didn't hear from him for hours following. He's always good about replying to my texts, even if it's just with a "thinking of you, babe" (swoon when he calls me "babe"/it's so cute) or a "xoxo".

So when I didn't get any reply for a few hours, I got a bit worried and then pissed. Why oh why? Such a waste of emotional energy, something I'm still learning. I guess it all boils down to lack of trust. Not that I would ever suspect him of cheating--he's such an honest and open person. Honestly, it comes from a lack of security on my part.

I'm constantly wondering why he wants to be with me, convinced he can do better and he'll realize that any day now. It's a silly and stupid way to think, because he's told me over and over again that he loves me, has given me reasons why, has promised to stand by me, and he has never done anything that would lead me to doubt his word. It's my personal issues rearing their ugly heads.

Anyway, at 10:30 or so there's a knock on the door and Sihaam walking around in her bra and underwear tries to make a mad dash for her bedroom. "DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!" she screams dramatically and I head for the front door, assuming it's the neighbour above me complaining (again) about my music being too loud.

"NO DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!!!" she yells again and I ignore her and yank the door open, to find on my apartment doorstep the best thing ever...my boyfriend with a smile on his face that I just can't help smiling back to. Even though a part of me is still mad that he didn't text earlier, it's the best thing ever...having that person show up unexpectedly, a gift handed to you on a silver platter.

I'm more angry at the rush of relief I feel when it he shows up again. I'm angry at myself for doubting him constantly, for putting him through such an emotional rigmarole when he should be with someone who trusts him and believes everything that he says.

"How can I help you trust me more?" he asks the next morning while we're laying in bed together. The dog stirs in his crate and Mr Cat purrs in the bed with us. He's the best. Even just asking me that made me realize (all over again) what an amazing person he is.

Sometimes it feels like he's bewildered by the relationship thing, unsure of what to say or do to help me, but the fact that he tries to help me is enough. I know I'm a bit crazy (bitches be tripping, yo) but he manages to overlook that.

We sit crosslegged on the couch, eat pizza, drink screw drivers, watch Arrested Development and I feel safe and happy because he is who he is. He's smart and funny and sexy and thoughtful. I just love him and I thought everyone should know.

I'M A LUCKY GIRL!!!

in love

2011-03-28T13:59:00.008-04:00

I went and saw "Sucker Punch" last Friday with Matt. It was a fantastic movie although the ending left me feeling desolate and sad. A few tears trailed mournfully down my face as we sat through the credits and Matt leaned over and kissed them away.

He hates when I'm upset or sad. I try my best not to let my negative side shine through around him, because I think he blames himself or tries to fix something that can't be fixed by him. "I want you to be happy," he will say, as if he makes me unhappy which is the most ridiculous idea ever. All my issues are internal, brought upon myself by insecurities and needs. Needs that Matt can't fill--needs that no one can fill.

Doesn't it always come down to that? That we have personal issues and fights we struggle through that no one else can help us with and it's what makes or breaks us. Dealing with childhood issues or simply insecurities that we carry around with us, worry that we won't be good enough, fears that we'll fail at whatever we set our hand to do... Ultimately it's up to us to address those issues and deal with them in whatever manner we may.

No person can save us. God can save us but He has yet to save me or to show me what to do. A part of me thinks with cowardice that I should give up on Matt, let him float on past me along with all other life experiences that gone on by, but another part loves him so deeply and strongly, so much love that it overwhelms and frightens me. I sit in this computer chair, feel a bit dizzy and think about sitting beside Matt in the booth at Montana's, watching him draw a dragonfly neatly and quickly, sinking into a lull of sleep comforted by his warm body next to mine.

I lay beside him on the bed, under him on the bed, on top of him on the bed and I wonder how much we sacrifice to be with the people we love. I stare far away at the ceiling and he asks me what I'm thinking about because he knows there's some internal struggle happening.
"I'm thinking...how I would never have expected to end up with someone like you..." I say slowly. "A tattoo artist who smokes pot..."
"Did you think you'd be with someone from your church?" he asks softly and that's the realization and truth that I've been facing.

I DID think I would somehow end up with a devoutly Christian guy who would help me become a better person, steer me to being a stronger Christian. Instead I drive to the movie theatre with this guy beside me in the passenger seat, idly smoking a joint, hanging his hand languidly out the window and smiling fondly at me, holding my hand and rubbing my palm.

Like I said, it's been weird thinking about how life does not turn out the way you expect it to. Of course we make choices and go down paths that we believe are the right ones for us, but then again, if God hadn't wanted me to meet Matt why did He allow our paths to cross on January 8? Was it a test that I failed miserably?

Some of my friends say that I should just relax and enjoy the ride, have a good time with him and make the best of life. Sihaam disagrees with that sentiment because as she points out so wisely, we'll never be that type of person. Mom and Dad have taught us that every decision we make has repercussions and a deeper meaning...nothing is done lightly or without weighing the morals and principles of the situation.

The relationship I have with him is not just fun. I mean, it is fun, he makes me laugh and smile, I absolutely love spending time with him, but it's not just that. It's so much deeper than the occasional fit of giggles. I feel like our souls connect as we lay side by side on my bed, looking into each others eyes.

"What are you looking at?" I ask him with some insecurity, aware of my ratty hair and blotchy morning face, as he stares at me from his pillow.
"I'm looking at the girl I'm in love with," he says and smiles.
Clarity sets in. I might not always be strong. I might become afraid and draw away from him or try to avoid addressing what we really are, but the fact is...

I love him. It's that simple and not easy to explain why. I could make a list of things I love about him, qualities I appreciate, traits I love, the way he makes me feel...but when it comes down to it, the reason why we love certain people is undefinable. The soul connecting bit, two personalities meshing well, seeing something in someone that no one else has noticed... Any of those things. Does it really matter why? It seems to me that what matters is the fact that we do have those feelings and how we choose to act on them.

I hope that you, whoever you are reading this, I hope you have that realization as well... Defining love, attempting to understand relationships--it only gets you so far. What matters is living it out. Allow yourself to be open and vulnerable, whether that means crying in the car after hearing some potentially frustrating news, or laying naked side by side and embracing each others entire bodies, or discussing personal spiritual beliefs, talking about fears that lurk in the back of our minds...

Life isn't worth living if you don't let yourself love and even more difficult at times, if you don't allow yourself to be loved. Peace.

A new dog and a new realization

2011-03-23T19:52:00.004-04:00

I adopted a greyhound this past Sunday and the adjustment time has been...well...exhausting and a bit stressful. I already have stomach/digestive issues and the stress over being woken up multiple times overnight by a whining and scared dog isn't helping.

However, despite all the issues that come with acclimating a dog to a brand new environment--peeing in the front hallway is never cool, Mr Dog--I'm still very much enjoying having a larger animal around the apartment. He pads about, following me from the living room to the kitchen to the bathroom to the bedroom and back to the living room. When I settle in one spot he wanders for a bit and then eventually sighs and lays down near me.

So right now I feel completely exhausted. You know the exhaustion that almost seems to pervade your soul and spirit, right down to your inner core? That's how I feel. I feel like I could collapse and sleep for hours and hours on end, but at 7:30 the whining and pacing starts and it's up and outside for the both of us!

Last night I expected to collapse from being so tired. At bedtime I put the dog in his crate and crawled into bed, waiting for sleep to carry me away. I was almost excited to sleep. I was so sure I was going to have the deepest sleep ever!

After half an hour of laying there I had this feeling that something was missing. The front door was locked. The dog was in his crate. Mr Cat had been fed. Sihaam was sleeping in the next bedroom. What was missing?

The feet that touch mine through the night, the hand that I like to fall asleep holding, the breathing sounds from his side of the bed and falling asleep hearing his voice talking to me about a piece of trivia he learned during the week.

Desolation crept in at that realization. I miss him. Even though I had seen him the morning before, I already miss him and it scares me how much. I can't even tell you if it's a need or a want...probably a mix of both. I need and want to see him and be with him. I want to hear his laugh and see his eyes crinkle. I need him beside me when I'm falling asleep.

I hope the want and need doesn't scare him or make him feel like he has to be someone or something that he isn't. We can't complete each other fully no matter how hard we try...but I do know that when he's sleeping beside me, I feel so peaceful and safe. I feel safe.

Such is love. Binding us together in the strangest and deepest ways, intertwined so closely with desire and need.

I want to tell all my friends that I'm with the most amazing guy. The guy who clears the dishes off the coffee table when we're done eating. The guy who kisses me on the forehead and tells me I look beautiful when I'm peeing on the toilet. The guy who tears up a bit when he talks about how much I mean to him. The guy who texts me and asks me to stargaze with him. The guy who somehow knows how I feel even if I don't say anything.

I wonder how I got so lucky and it makes me nervous.

I leave you with a picture of the new dog

and hopefully I'll have left you with even the smallest idea of how amazingly awesome and [wordsfailme] my Person is.

Impatience = loneliness

2011-03-19T18:02:00.003-04:00

I'm not a patient person. I never have been. As a child I found the punishment of standing in the corner the most excruciating of all. My sister could stand there and day dream for extended periods of time, lost in her own fantasy world. I would trace the pattern of the linoleum with my toes--I still remember the strange squares of brown, red and beige--and jiggle my feet. Nothing was worse than having to stare at the wall or the ground and wait for the minutes to tick by until I was released from the kitchen corner and my punishment for slapping my brother or being rude to my mom.

Sadly, all those moments in the corner that were supposed to teach me patience did nothing for me. I still stand in long lines at stores and find my annoyance growing rapidly. Working at Second Cup, nothing irked me more than people who insisted on counting out very specific change for their coffee, right down to the last penny. When I make plans with people, I expect them arrive on time because my parents taught me that being late was disrespectful to the person you were meeting. I wait impatiently for people to show up for outings we've planned while thoughts like 'I would never do this to them' float through my head.

The greatest lesson I've learned in the past few months has been patience. I've learned to wait with calm and understanding when people inevitably show up late at my apartment. I've learned that life isn't always about exact times or dates. I've learned that we all have different views on what is important and what is lower on said importance scale. I've learned that not everyone holds punctuality in such high regard as I do. I've even let myself slip and have shown up "fashionably late" places. It's almost freeing to let myself relax and be less retentive about such things.

But at the same time, sometimes I feel like I still care more and I'm making more of an effort than other people. Even though I've outwardly mastered the ability to remain nonchalant, inside I often feel a storm of annoyance and frustration, that I'm the person who cares so much or tries so hard while other people just float by on the lazy river of life.

I guess what I'm admitting is that I feel so alone sometimes--alone in my frustrations, alone in my view of what a relationship entails, alone walking down the street and listening to music. Loneliness isn't always a bad thing, but feeling alone when there are people around you is. Why do we feel so isolated sometimes? Shouldn't the people in our lives somehow bridge that darkness?

Does my impatience = loneliness? Sometimes.

Do my feeling and emotions run a bit out of a control at times? For sure they do.

Is it all my fault that I feel this way? That's the question I'm trying to answer. Should I constantly be changing my principles and sacrificing my ideals to fit into a situation better? Am I becoming a better person as I change or am I simply pushing who I am to the back, suppressing myself to please others?

Thoughts, thoughts.

Science Fiction vs. Fantasy and Life Lessons

2011-03-14T19:07:00.005-04:00

I've always wondered what the definable difference between science fiction and fantasy is.

Growing up all I knew was that Star Wars was sci-fi and Lord Of The Rings was fantasy. I could never figure out what made the difference between those two, but I guessed it had something to do with the fact that sci-fi generally seemed more about technically propelled concepts and ideas like space ships, holograms, robots, droids and other such things. Now that I think about it, if that's the way I define sci-fi, the James Bond series definitely has some sci-fi elements to it. A car that can completely cloak itself? I don't believe such a thing exists...

So I decided while bored at work tonight to Google what people considered sci-fi and fantasy. I found this quote:

Science fiction consists of improbable possibilities, fantasy of plausible impossibilities.

*boom* Brain explodes and rains down all over my desk and keyboard. I'm not very good at understanding technical discussions.

An easier explanation of it:

Science fiction and fantasy stories are make-believe tales. Fantasy stories are unlikely tales that have strange or imagined characters, places, or events. Science fiction stories are about life in the future or life on other planets.

Ahhhh. *relieved sigh* My brain cells trickle back into my head.
That's the difference between sci-fi and fantasy that I inherently understood but was unable to place my finger on. James Bond is probably considered to be in the "action" genre, with elements of sci-fi peppered through it. I've noticed that the most recent movies with Daniel Craig (*drool*) have more probable gadgets given to him. Nothing as outlandish (or interesting) as some of the devices used in the older movies.

And of course, I cannot mention Daniel Craig without an little homage to him:

Thank God for beautiful people. I mean, we're all fairly beautiful in unique and special ways, but he really does WIN.

Speaking of "winning"...how messed has Charlie Sheen been lately? Is it all a game to woo publicity and get the attention of the world? Or is he actually suffering through some schizophrenic-like issues? Whatever the case may be, a Charlie Sheen reality show will probably end up gracing our tv sets as we continue to obsess and track every move of celebrities that we love to hate and hate to love. And dammit, I'm talking about Charlie Sheen! This is exactly what he wants! I told myself I wasn't going to sink to this level...

I've gone way off the beaten track. My thoughts about sci-fi vs. fantasy began when I started making a list of favourite sci-fi movies. So here it is:

Minority Report
Equilibrium
X-Men
Signs
I, Robot
The Island
Serenity
War Of The Worlds
V For Vendetta
Cloverfield
Inception
Watchmen

My friend contested X-Men, questioning it's validity as a sci-fi movie which is what prompted the discussion and research into what really makes a movie science fiction.

Considering the list, I realize that some of my favourite movie quotes are from the movies listed above.

"You have a choice." -Minority Report

"But I, being poor, have only my dreams. I have spread my dreams under your feet; tread softly, for you tread on my dreams." -Equilibrium

"You're waiting for a train. A train that will take you far away. You know where you hope the train will take you, but you can't be sure. But it doesn't matter because we'll be together." -Inception

"I live my life free of compromise, and step into the shadows without complaint or regret." - Watchmen

" No. Not even in the face of Armageddon. Never compromise." - Watchmen

I could go on and on, but I'll leave it there. When you think about it, it's strange and intriguing that movie which focus on a futuristic existence still manage to strike a chord in the human psyche and heart. Whether we're living in a bubble or shifting through time or having a robot make us breakfast, we're all the same underneath. Our human characteristics, attributes, flaws...they're reflected even in the "improbable possibilities".

I like that concept. I like that our humanity chases us down, no matter how robotic or inhuman we might visualize our world to be or even hope for.

What I like even more than contemplating feelings and emotions is waking up to sunshine trying to force it's way past my black curtains into my room. A little breeze moves the curtains around and he stirs beside me in bed, rolling over and putting his arms around me. There is such security and comfort in him being there, in his kisses and little endearments, and he patiently reassures my fearful heart that he will be back the next night and the weekend after, the following weekend and even the weekend after that.

"I'm not leaving you," he says and kisses me gently. I look into his eyes and see honesty and love...love that is overwhelming and undeserved, love that startles me to tears so frequently and that scares me. What ifs can crowd my mind and leave me concerned that I'll be reckless and hurt him, that I'll bore him, that one of us will love more than the other, that I'll ultimately disappoint him somehow...

Fear is always lurking but it's wrong and I'm slowly learning to challenge it.

"Do not be afraid of death...be afraid of the unlived life..."

Lent, God & faith

2011-03-10T13:32:00.004-05:00

"Becoming by grace what God is by nature..." -St Athanasius

Lent is a Catholic tradition/ritual that has crossed over to other denominations. Even though I don't celebrate the Catholic faith (salvation by works is a daunting belief), I do enjoy the period of self sacrifice and fasting from some type of activity or enjoyment. The word "lent" comes a Germanic word for "springtime" and that's an interesting way to view the weeks leading up to Easter--as a time for a type of spiritual spring cleaning...fasting from the things that might clutter up your faith or your belief system.

The idea of becoming more godly (or Godlike) is an intriguing concept as well. How much do I even know or understand God? I do believe that He exists but how I personally interact with Him is a different discussion. What does it mean to me to become more godly?

Ultimately I think it comes down to self renewal and growth. It's a time for one to look at their life and assess habits or attitudes that might stand in the way of said growth and change, which is why it's usually a good idea to sacrifice something that could be considered a vice or a negative habit in ones life.

Anyway, this Lent I've decided to give up desserts. It's a tough call because there's nothing like going out for a slice of cake with friends or snacking on cookies. In some ways I feel like I pussied out because I should have given up something that would be much more difficult to do without--listening to music, for example. Or no Internet.

I wonder sometimes how much my faith is one of convenience...and I wonder how this convenience has compromised the authenticity of it. Shouldn't devout Christians be willing to give up everything for the God that they worship and love?

I guess we're all in development, constantly being perfected and growing, and I think it would be good for everyone to go through this type of self examination... We can get too comfortable with the way that we are and close ourselves off to changing.

But hey, those are just my random thoughts of the day. That and--my sister broke up with her boyfriend yesterday afternoon. I came home from work to a dark apartment, her curled up in a fetal position in bed, Mr. Cat awkwardly sitting outside her door as if waiting for me to come home and talk to her.

"How did it go?" I ask, standing at the end of her bed.
"Hard," she says. "It was hard to see him cry..." Her voice trails off and she turns away toward the wall.
I feel a twinge of fear as I consider how much I care about the guy in my life and how I would feel if I was in the same situation.

Grace...I have yet to learn the true meaning of that word in my life. It's something to contemplate, for sure.

May you be blessed through this spring, a time of change/renewal/growth/new life, whether you believe in God or not, whether you celebrate Easter and the Lenten period or not, whether you are living with doubts or walking in complete and utter faith.

Peace.

contemplations that will bore you to death

2011-03-08T22:18:00.004-05:00

It's cold in my apartment, for first time since we moved in. I think the super turned down the heat, because the radiators feel significantly less warm and floors are quite chilly. I suppose I could pull on a pair of socks instead of padding about the wood floors with bare feet...but I've always been a bare foot type of girl.

Today--well, this isn't a very significant event. No one heroically died, no one moved from the back to the front of the bus, no war was declared over...but it's still a special day to me. Two months since I stood with my brother outside Tap and glanced up on Dave's "Hey!" to see him. My breath wasn't taken away. I didn't fall in love instantly. We didn't exchange meaningful glances. The world didn't pause its spinning on its axis and my heart didn't skip a beat.

Funny how life is like that. We expect--I expect everything to happen so boldly and ostentatiously, almost as though the things that happen on the sly, the quiet little moments are worth less in my mind than the bang of big occasions, the shock of surprise happenings. I thought love would be the same way--because isn't that always how it happens in love stories? People seem to know from the first moment and they act on it with courage and bravery while I shrink at the thought of opening up and letting someone see me through and through.

So life is strange that way. It almost seems as though we begin our lives being taught to think a certain way and then go on to learn that what we think might not necessarily be true. It's a steep learning curve for all of us--growing up and realizing that perhaps we're idealistic or a bit skewed with our world views and expectations.

Anyway, regardless of whatever my parents taught me from childhood, excluding media that negatively affects and taints the way we view the best and the most beautiful things of life...Here is Marcia, sitting in her pink plaid pyjamas in front of her computer, simply existing and contemplating the beauty of life.

I woke up this morning (too early, I might add) to sunshine pouring in through the window, the fan gently whirring in the background, a pair of warm legs and feet pressed against mine...I opened my eyes and rolled over to see him sleeping beside me and certainty flooded through me...the certainty that he's in the right place at the right time. We both are.

Nothing exciting happened on January 8 that will change your life or affect you in any manner. You probably don't care about my mediocre writing on love and relationships. You've probably enjoyed and suffered through love (and life) so many times, it's all old news to you. This is just another sentimental entry by an average girl who is amazed...

...amazed that she somehow stumbled into him. The one who reaches over and brushes her hair back from her face, lovingly touching her cheek and tapping her nose with his fingers. The one who already senses her moods and feelings, her emotional joy or tumult. The one who makes her laugh and makes her cry. The one who stood outside Tap with her and her brother and smiled at her for the very first time.

We surrender to love because it's unavoidable, like the heartache and change we face during our stay on Earth. We surrender to love because it feels so good. We surrender to love because part of us knows that it's what life is all about--relationships, reaching out to those around you, sharing life with someone.

My feet are getting colder. It's time for me to go to bed alone, wake up alone, anticipation for the coming weekend slowly building again.

I woke up this morning happy. I woke up this morning content. I woke up this morning, considered the last two months, turned over and looked at the quiet moment that has crept into my life as a delicate piano solo but is now a full blown orchestral piece.

I woke up this morning and loved.

Current Music

2011-03-07T12:36:00.005-05:00

Lately I've been loving a track by Montreal born artist Melissa Auf Der Maur. It's titled "This Would Be Paradise". The audio clip featured in the song is from a speech made by Canadian Tommy Douglas. You can read about his amazing life and the impact he had on Canada here.

He quite simply says (in the clip):

Man is now able to fly through the air like a bird,

he's able to swim beneath the sea like a fish,

he's able to burrow beneath the earth like a mole.

Now if only he could walk the earth like man;

this would be paradise.

I upped it here. Give it a listen and let me know what you think.

A jumble of images & thoughts

2011-03-04T19:49:00.003-05:00

This picture made me laugh when I stumbled across it:

First off, Josh's legs are impossibly long and gangly compared to teeny-tiny baby Martin. I still find it unbelievable that I have a brother who is 21 years younger than me. Sihaam has her "chicken legs" on display for the entire world to see (don't ask--she's very self conscious about her legs for some reason), and Joseph's curly white fro! I don't even know what's going on there. It's one of those family pictures that brings such good memories back to mind.

Winter is almost over! This little cartoon is one of my favourites:

I guess I'm just going for pictures that make me laugh. Yeah, the next one was taken at a work party and that's a giant wedgie going on. The biggest wedgie I have ever seen given in my life. Look how high the underwear is stretched up--almost to the shoulder! Oh the antics we get up to.

Ahahaha, George Bailey has never been more sincere:

Finally, a shaved pussy is a happy pussy:

Peace.

Bust Yo Ass

2011-03-03T12:51:00.002-05:00

I'm finally back to the gym again! With the beautiful spring weather, I was motivated to get back into shape...at least back to the fitness level I was at during summer 2010. So I'm running on the treadmill and following a weight training program from this book:

Awesome book! It has detailed work out plans ranging from beginners to advanced and each weight exercise has a detailed how-to description and a picture which shows you exactly what position you should be in when lifting weights. I'm a huge fan of free weights as opposed to weight machines and this book is definitely a must-have if you are too.

Anyway, getting back on that treadmill and running felt like I was coming home. It's never too late to start getting fit, so I encourage you to take that step and become active in some way, shape, or form this spring.

A rousing song to get you in an ass kicking mood:

Or if you're not a fan of heavy music, here's another tune I enjoy running to:

It's a little more happy/feel good.

Go out there and seize the day! And remember:

"Success in life is only as important as the people you share it with."

-Geoff Bussetil

an opening of the heart

2011-03-02T13:08:00.005-05:00

As some of you, my faithful and constant readers know, I've been "seeing" a guy for the past...little while. I don't know where exactly we started...neither of us do probably; some people you meet and you quite simply connect with them instantaneously. There's absolutely no logical explanation to it and it happens with friends and lovers. Kindred spirits find each other despite all odds. The fact is--I wasn't even supposed to go out that night in January. I was exhausted from working all day and was booked for day shift the next morning as well, but Dave insisted and made fun of me.

"You work at nine," he said. "That's fucking nothing. You can party until 5 am."

Okay, Dave. Maybe you can do that in the army where you apparently sit around and listen to radio chatter for hours on a mountain top.

Whatever, I went out with him because it was the last night he was going to be around for several months. I love my brother. He's such a dude but he takes the time to call me every couple weeks and check up on my life.

Anyway, we went out, met up with a couple of his high school friends and that was that. I was loaded basically from the beginning to the end and didn't have a very accurate perception of what people looked like or what I was doing. I remember making out with a random guy half way through the night and somehow losing the rest of the crowd during that period. That always seems to happen to me. Losing people, that is. Oh, and the making out. Both kinda, I guess.

The girl who was with our group sat with me at the bar and we talked about the men in our lives. She told me about this guy who she has feelings for and then asked me who I was seeing or if I was interested in anyone.

"Nope, no one," I said honestly. Because I don't get caught up in school girl crushes or fantasies. I feel very pragmatic when it comes to "love".

"What about DudeGuy?" she asked. (I'll just call him DudeGuy in order to protect his identity from you crazy readers!)

"I really don't think he likes me that much," I replied. "He hasn't hit on me at all. I'm not his type."

She laughed and brushed it off.

I guess I'm bad with reading guys and their intentions because he walked back to my apartment with Dave and I and we sat on the floor in the living room, me resting my head on his shoulder, Dave surfing Youtube at 4 am, listening to all types of outlandish music that sounds so much better when you're drunk out of your face.

Dave eventually left to catch his flight (which he sat through drunk) and DudeGuy stayed. It's weird how I never said, "Hey do you wanna stay?" He just knew I wanted him to stay somehow and we went to bed. That is all this honourable girl will say, except that he walked me to work the next morning, holding my hand, and came back the following night just to sleep beside me.

And now almost two months later he still knocks on my door and smiles widely when I open it and he sees me. I'm more afraid than I have ever been in my life, because I've been too close to the edge, the edge being him leaving and my life going back to being DudeGuy-less. It struck me during those moments that--

I love him.

I love his smile that crinkles up the corners of his eyes.

I love his laugh.

I love how he sighs with contentment and places his hand on his heart when he's happy.

I love how he starts his sentences with "Say..." as he's about to propose an idea.

I love how he pauses to think about what to say, careful in choosing his words, and then says, "Well..." before continuing on with his thoughts.

I love how he somehow knows what I need to hear and says it.

I love it when he sings a bit of a song softly in my ear or when he says my name with affection.

I love that we can cry and be emotional without judgement.

I love our physical chemistry, the touching, the desire in our eyes when we look at each other.

I love him.

When I truly pause and think about the past weeks that I have spent with him, I know exactly when my heart opened up to him. It was January 30, a Sunday night. I wanted to show him the new apartment so we came over here and walked around through the empty rooms, the wood floors creaking. We chased each other playfully around the apartment and then I sat on the radiator in the kitchen and he stood in front of me and spontaneously sang a line from a song. It was then I knew that I could love him with every fibre of my being, and I believe it was then that I started to love him.

"I have never felt thunder and lightning like this

I have never been struck by a wonder like this..."

"Ich Kenne Nichts - Sohnee Mannheims ft. Xavier Naidoo, upped here.

A huge part of me worries that we're too different. He's calm, I'm driven by emotions. He's thoughtful, I speak impetuously. He's artistic, I'm just...logical. He's spiritual and I'm religious. He could probably find someone who would better match his temperament and be able to relate to him much better than I can. A cowardly part of me sees wisdom in ending this before it gets so much more complicated.

When it comes down to it though, love is a dichotomy of easy and complicated. It's far too multi-faceted to be one or the other. Whatever happens in the future, I know with assurance that my conscience is clear when it comes to how I feel for him. I'll try my hardest to stand behind him and be there for him, be his Person, and that's all I can do. I can't predict or control how he'll feel about me next week or the week after... I can't control others; I can only control my own actions.

And my action is going to be love.

Love.

Let's Get Lost

2011-02-28T09:14:00.005-05:00

"Lost" has such negative connotations. We don't want to admit that we're struggling, trying to find a path and even though we can get quite far off the beaten path, stopping to ask for directions or pausing to scan a map is somehow against our nature.

It's as though it's a sign of weakness to ask for help, to ask for pointers or directions. The idea of being lost in a cornfield creeps me out, the idea of wandering through a forest or a foreign city without any inherent sense of direction, without any natural compass bearings--that's scary.

It's difficult enough to admit that we're lost driving down a back road in northern Ontario. It's even more difficult to admit that we have no idea what we're doing with our lives, aimlessly wandering about trying to make sense of whatever we're doing, attempting to justify our actions and somehow figure out exactly what we should be doing, etching out a rough sketch of how we think our lives should look.

Strange how we always always always think that we have total grasp on what would be best for us in our lives. We think that we know what we need the most, we think we know how best to fill those needs.

Sometimes it seems to me that we're all thirsty for something, but we can't figure out how to quench the thirst. We try coffee, gatorade, tea, alcohol, water...but we're still left thirsty for something more, and it's frustrating because there's nothing worse than not being able to quench the parched and arid longings. We just want some relief from the desert that we're in...

Of course I speak for myself. I wander around, thrashing like a fish that has been hooked and is slowly being reeled in...I'm fighting against something, against this unseen force that draws me closer and pulls me in, but it's a losing battle. I want to run and run and run away from this, away from the chaos that's deep inside me, away from all these things, but I figure like trying to satisfy the thirst, running isn't going to help me. I stop to catch my breath and everything will flood back over me, realities suffocating me...

I love him and I find rest in him...I also find fear and mistrust, I find myself overwhelmed, I seek shelter from whatever this is but I go back for more and more, because I can't stop myself. I'm on this ride, it feels as though it's out of my control, like sand trickling through my fingers, like trying to catch a wave, grasping a cloud.

I lay on the bed beside him and stare at the ceiling, listening to him breathing beside me, feeling his warm body against mine, curled around me, intertwined around my heart and my passions. Restlessness overtakes me for a few minutes and I resist the urge to get up and run, because I'm so so so afraid. I'm so afraid that he'll walk out and never come back. I'm afraid he'll come back and tell me he can't do this. I'm afraid of life without him but I also face him and feel trepidation at the thought of him woven into my future.

"Relationships aren't easy." I've heard this over and over and over throughout my life. "You have to work at it" is another mantra that people seem to recite, as though attempting to assure themselves that hard work will soothe their issues they face together. I've always been of the mindset that love come softly and easily, like the breeze that came through the open window this morning, the balmy February weather as confusing as his kisses and his whispers of endearments.

I've never been a person to be driven by fear. I've never allowed it to creep in and take over. Fear has never dictated my actions and I refuse to allow it now. I'm a bit, no a lot, lost in this whole thing, confused by it, trying to make sense without stopping for direction. My navigational skills are completely useless when it comes to matters of the heart.

Sihaam sits down on the arm of the couch and looks over at me, across the room. She starts crying and runs her fingers anxiously through her hair. "I feel like every moment I spend with him might be the last moment and I keep thinking about that...the fact that we might not be together next week...I've wasted so much time arguing with him and being stupid...I wish I had treasured every moment we have had together..." She slides down the arm and sits on the couch, legs pulled up in a protective stance, knees under her chin.

You can't defend yourself from love. There is no armour that protects you from the storm inside you. All you can do is believe that in the midst of that storm, the person is standing with you, is in your boat, is your lighthouse through the rain and clouds...

Thunder and lightning are beautiful and scary and such is the definition of this confusing love. Be still my beating wings of flights and let fears be allayed. I might be lost but I'm at peace with that knowledge because I'm lost with the right person.

Song to download: Let's Get Lost by Beck and Bat For Lashes. Upped here.

We're all broken**

2011-02-27T17:44:00.002-05:00

I think we're all walking around pretending that we're okay, facades covering our true natures, playing the game of life and acting like all is okay...when in truth, we're every single one of us hurting and broken from something or another that we've gone through in life.

I know these sentences probably don't make much sense. I went through a bit of a shaking up, a reality storm so to speak, yesterday and now I feel like there's no point in putting on a mask and faking it. Yeah, we're damaged. I carry baggage around with me no matter where I am or who I'm with...it's...life. It's part of what makes us who we are.

People around us--relationships we're in--they hurt us. It's inevitable and the sooner you accept that (even though I know that sounds so cynical), the happier you will be with life.

Strange how yesterday morning I was a different person than I am now. Not dramatically different, I haven't morphed into a completely altered person, but I definitely have been changed to some extent. That's what people you care about do to you...they change you, sometime for better and sometimes for worse.

I don't know what I'm saying right now. It's okay. We'll move along and take each moment as it comes. I'll hang on to whatever I can.

In that spirit:

moving on

2011-02-25T17:47:00.002-05:00

Let there be ease, comfort and light.

Perhaps not ease just yet. Sihaam and I moved four car loads of stuff from the old apartment to the new last night. It was such a feeling of accomplishment when we stood in the hallway of the old apartment and looked at the blank white walls and the empty rooms, surrounded by memories.

She slid to the floor exhausted and played "Goodbye" by Plankeye on her iTouch while I leaned against the door jamb of what had been my bedroom for the past year and a half and thought of all the comings and goings that room has seen.

Me, by myself for the first year and such, crying the first night, alone in my apartment for the first time. Eventually adjusting to living a solitary life and spending time frolicking on the bed with Mr Cat, he joyfully attempting to catch my fingers as I play cat-and-mouse with him. The sunshine spilling in through the wide windows, waking up late on weekends during the summer and soaking in the warmth.

The tears of being alone, the sadness and fear while dealing with anxiety attacks...Buying more and more clothes, the room becoming stuffed full of dresses, shirts, pants...the whole nine yards.

And then thinking about the first night with this Guy, the second night...and so on. At first I counted each day and each time that we spent together, keeping a tally of how many times we've had sex, wanting to hang on to each and every moment we've had together. I'm more relaxed now, trusting that there will be more times together instead of constantly worrying that our tenth hang out will be our last. I couldn't tell you how many times we've kissed or touched or slept together and that makes me happy inside...the calmness over whatever we are.

One time we sat on the floor by the coffee table in the living room area and ate Chinese, watching a kids movie and laughing, drinking beer until I lay down on the ground and slowly drifted away from being so tired. We get up and go to bed, intertwined with each other.

And I remember that morning to clearly when we talked about our future or our lack of definition, crying and being so afraid to commit to anything...and the sushi night where I finally confronted my fears and told him how I felt...admitting that I had begun caring more than I should...sobbing into my pillow while he tried to put his arm around me, so unsure of what to do...

The bedroom, my old room, it never felt real, it was never serving it's purpose until I started sharing it with someone, even for just one night a week. That's when I truly started to feel alive, as though I have finally woken up...and I'm glad that I was able to leave the apartment with such happy and fresh memories of experiences that have changed me utterly.

For he is such an inherent part of my life now, as though we've known each other for years and years even though it hasn't been two months. A life without our friendship seems like such a strange concept and that feeling scares and moves me. We're...we are what we are...I hardly know how to explain it, but we relate to each other so deeply and I think with excitement of when I will see him next...

I love sitting beside him and holding his hand. I love how when I take my hand away or move away he reaches over and pulls me back to him. I love the physical comfort between us. I love when we just look at each other with understanding and affection. I love the talks and I love the long silent spaces in between.

Sihaam sits and thinks about her times with Eric...the apartment being the first place he told her that he loves her...their play fights, their movie nights, their make out sessions... It's so strange how our memories seem so physically bound up in places and spaces that we occupy. It's as though our milieu becomes so much a part of us, perhaps we leave behind wisps and ghosts of all those strong emotional connections, which whisper to the people that come behind us.

We shut off the hallway light and glance around the living room for the last night...it finally seems big enough when it's emptied of all our things. I remember sleep overs with the girls, the first time moving in, surfing the Internet, watching movies with people, tea parties, chasing Mr Cat around the apartment...Sihaam and I having a dance off in front of Eric...drinking nights with Dave, smoking with Gary and Doug...

I'm glad to move on to a new and bigger place, but I'll always have fond memories of that old apartment.

Bust Yo Ass

2011-02-24T22:08:00.001-05:00

Another song to motivate you to get up and dance or work out!

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.

-T.S. Elliot

Empty - Ray Lamontagne

2011-02-23T21:35:00.003-05:00

I'm a bit, no a lot, in love with this song. Even though I've been listening to it for months now, we still have a romance.

You know how some songs evoke such powerful memories for oneself? That's exactly what this song does for me. I can lay on my bed listening to it and remember staring up through the roof of my tent, the stars undimmed by city lights. I remember the beach with the water washing up against the sand, a constant and peaceful rushing. I think of running at twilight, the city temporarily at peace with itself, the catastrophes and noises of the day fading during that almost magical moment between day and night.

I found a different fan mixed version that I like a bit better...substitutes violin synths over the harmonica.

I uploaded it to my Rapidshare account...you can snatch it here.

Much love.