Monday, 13 February 2012

Happy Love Day!



Let your love be like the misty rains, coming softly, but flooding the river.  ~Malagasy Proverb


February 14: the day that many people dread and claim to be a "fake holiday".  In some ways I do still feel cynical, as the fact that we apparently need one day a year to tell the person we love that they matter to us rubs me the wrong way.  What is it about planning that one day to be obvious in our affections to each other that just seems so wrong???  Why aren't we taking every day in our relationships to say "I love you" with our actions or our words?

The reality of it is:  when I first started dating M and it became we were very serious about each other, I found swelling in my heart this new feeling, that I loved M so deeply and intensely, as if I am the only person who has ever loved someone with such strength.  While I felt that with my heart, I knew in my head that such a notion is ridiculous.  Each and every person in their relationships at some point convinces themselves that what they are experiencing in the greatest and highest point of their life.  Nothing else can compare.

Yet, perhaps what I should do is not discredit my relationship with M or the extent of my feelings, but continue to remain faithful in my love and fidelity.  I know in many ways I can be a heart breaker--not that I am desired by many men and have broken dozens of hearts, but rather that I often lack compassion for M and fail in the way I treat him, with insensitivity and love.

Of my many prayers for 2012, I pray that we will all find love amongst each other and that our love which begins as a small seed will grow and be nourished.  May God give us wisdom as we seeks answers to difficult situations, patience when things aren't going our way, compassion for the pain our lovers may have in their past or present...May God grant us love.

Thursday, 9 February 2012

New Photos!

To cheer me up!










Hard times.

Chili kept me up all night.  I tossed and turned until two a.m. and I wasn't the only victim.  M lay beside me in bed and stared at the ceiling, we talked a bit on secrets and life lessons, I heard S walking up and down the hallway a few times and there you have it...the chili made sleepless minions of us all.

Or perhaps I'm too hasty in blaming the innocent spicy tomato stew.  Maybe it was the fact that we had just signed a new lease for a different apartment that has me all knotted and twisted up inside.  Whatever it was, I contemplated for a few hours the decisions we have made in the past week and the ones I have been forced to make today and in the near future.

For to start with, I am still paying off the debt of my teenage years.  I settled with one credit card company late in 2011 for a mere fraction of what I should have paid.  Wonderful.  Then today I call back my second credit card to make a settlement and am told that A) I won't have such a great settlement and B) I have to pay it off very quickly.  Any joy I felt over procuring a new apartment has melted away.

Also on top of the new payments, I also feel like I've been taken for a ride by our landlord.  I really don't want to pay the $835 for our month of rent in March, but I have this feeling that it will be a bite in the ass if we don't.  M thinks we should just say, "Eff this!  Evict us!", but I feel reluctant to do so as my name is the one on the lease and I would be the one incurring any possible legal action and fees.

I've had to make the tough decision to take my car off the road for four months in order to balance the budget and make allowances for a new apartment and this credit card payment.  I feel bereft, as though I have nothing.  I haven't had a computer since last September.  I won't have a car anymore.  I probably won't be hooking up the Internet at the new apartment because I don't have a computer, so what's the point?

Everything is gone.  Sometimes I wonder if God is punishing me for the lifestyle I am living, for the choices I have made, but then I think...there are people who are horrible and they are make it by so why can't I?  Is God really so malignant and angry at me or other people?  Does He wish evil upon those who don't obey Him?

I don't know.  It's hard to know exactly.  What I can say with certainty is that I am going out for my last meal tomorrow before I start saving and it will be sushi with family and lovers.  My favourite kind! 

Love even during hard times.

Thursday, 2 February 2012

Things I Will Never Understand

  1. My boyfriend.  He is a great boyfriend, don't get me wrong.  I obviously love him wholly and completely, but sometimes he does things, sometimes he says things (or remains quiet when he should speak up) and those things just make me facepalm and scream in my head "WHHHHYYYYY?? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHYYYY????"  I will never fully understand how guys think...perhaps because their thought processes are less complicated than the emotional turmoil of females, but there you have it:  my boyfriend will continue to be a mystery to me, something I at times find exciting and scintillating.
  2. Apartment hunting.  Could someone please explain to me why having a quiet, well mannered and house broken dog is proving to be such a huge liability when it comes to renting?  As far as I have researched, it is illegal for landlords to refuse renting to tenants who have animals, but that law does not seem to be well enforced, especially on Kijiji.  The one apartment that I set my heart on, set in a beautiful old house with high ceilings and hardwood floors, flat out refused us without even asking for an application, all because of my extremely quiet and stealthy greyhound.  How is that even fair??  I am a GREAT tenant, always paying my rent cheques on time, have never bounced... It just makes me see red.
  3. Why winter feels so long.  This year especially, winter hasn't really been that bad.  We've had maybe two large snows, which is nothing compared to the usual Canadian winters we have been lambasted with.  January was particularly balmy with temperatures in the pluses...practically an unheard of thing.  Anyway, for some reason even though it's nice out, I feel like the winter blues are dragging me down, even more than ever.  It's February 2 and I'm wondering how I am going to make it through the next 26 days without slaughtering someone.  Winter is really only 3 months long,  a 1/4 of a year, and yet it feels like it will never end.  Y U NO END, WINTER???
  4. How eating right tastes so wrong.  I've been very strict with what I've been eating, especially considering that I am supposed to be running a 5k at the end of March and I am woefully out of shape compared to last year.  Anyway,  I've been mainly eating cheese, meats and vegetables, a few fruits here and there...I MISS THE CARBS.  I've been craving bagels with cream cheese, spaghetti, toast with peanut butter...all those delicious things.  It's not even so much cakes and cookies I've been craving...just french bread warm from the bakery...It sucks.  And being in this winter funk is making me want those comfort foods so desperately.  I reiterate, it sucks.  Even worse is the fact that I know with my heart that if I do eat unhealthily, I'll end up hating my self even more.  Lose-lose situation.
Those are the four things that I cannot understand right now.  Weigh in if you have any thoughts or words of advice!

Monday, 23 January 2012

Room by Emma Donoghue


“Room” is a captivating novel, no pun intended. The story is told through the unique perspective of five year old Jack who we quickly learn is living a one room: Room, spelled with a capital “R”, a technique repeated through out the book--there is also “Rug”, “Wardrobe” and “Table”. The exact reason why Jack and Ma are living in Room is not immediately explained, but there is an obvious overtone of fear and evil. Jack describes the living situation and their daily tasks in his childish voice, which is probably what makes the novel so compelling.


Without spoiling any future readers, Ma becomes forced to tell Jack the truth about the outer world and he struggles to grasp why the world functions the way it does. Both Ma and Jack are thrust into the harsh realities of a life outside Room, and it becomes apparent that Jack finds the world colder, preferring to be kept captive in Room.

The book is basically split into two sections that I would explain as: Room and Outer World. The first section is interesting but also cringe-worthy at times, such as when we discover that Jack is five but still breast feeds. He counts the creaks of the bed when their captor comes for his nightly visits. One becomes immersed very deeply in their plight in Room.

The second section would perhaps have been better written from the aspect of Jack AND Ma. Instead, the writer opts to remain in Jack’s perspective and write about his understanding of Ma taking pills and trying to fall asleep forever. Being inside of her head after being freed from their prison would probably have been compelling than carrying on simply as Jack. However, I do understand that the driving force of the book is the attempt to view kidnappings from the eyes of the children born in these situations.
The author Emma Donoghue wrote Room while being influenced by stories such as Jaycee Lee Dugard’s, held captive for eighteen years in a man’s backyard. The crime of kidnapping and imprisonment has been a larger topic in our media due to such stories and this book is a reflection of that. I would recommend “Room” as enthralling novel that is very easy to get pulled into, but be warned: the subject is not light even when told through the eyes of a five year old.

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

too feeling & wisdom teeth

Since ever and ever, since the beginning of my existence, I have been overflowing with emotion.

I remember as a child, being spanked as punishment for some act of disobedience or defiance, and my greatest dismay was that I could not control my tears.  The pain was manageable and was not caused the overflowing and crying...I simply felt too much emotion in the moment.  My parents anger and disappointment with me, the actual act of discipline and judgment, and then eventually my dad's putting his arm around my shoulder and hugging me, saying he just wanted me to learn and that he loved me.

For a child, spanking can be a confusing thing and I had enough ups and downs of emotions as it was.  As I grew into being a teenager, I began to feel things even more acutely.  My clothing didn't reflect the current trends and made me feel inferior to my peers; I could never truly grasp that what mattered was the inside of us, not the exterior clothing and appearance that is judged so quickly.  My mother didn't understand me and constantly berated my love and reliance on my friends and not my parents--I suppose she felt slighted by my rejection of her advice and thoughts.  Teenagers can be incredibly callous, self centered and selfish. 

Now into adulthood, I consider my emotional responses to difficult situations and truths I have faced, from being a child right into "growing up".  When I argue with my boyfriend, my first reaction is to start crying, whether I really want to or not.  In a way, it feels like a sweet release, but I also experience vulnerability knowing that he has seen me at my worst and knows me through and through.  Sometimes I worry that my crying is a subconscious way of manipulating him to get what I want and perhaps at times it is, but it's also often impossible to stem.  I get upset, I cry.  Some people get upset and yell or punch things or go for long walks...I cry.

I will never forget wise words I once heard someone say:  your emotions should be the caboose of your train, not the engine.  When we let our emotions drive us or propel us forward, normally we make stupid choices because we are so caught up in the moment, we aren't thinking rationally and are unable to realize that in a few hours we will most likely feel very differently.  What I would like to achieve in 2012 is less of the crying and saying dumb things rashly and more contemplating my reaction.  It's hard to try to change what seems so integral in you, but there it is...growing up and being less feeling and more thoughtful.



On a side note:  I had a 3-d xray done a couple years ago of my wisdom teeth.  At that point I had an emergent need to get one of them out as it had gone septic.  The dentist had mentioned back then that my two lowers were beginning to impact and now I think I'm feeling the full force of it.  My jaw is achey, my throat feels swollen and I sometimes feel light-headed from drinking or eating.  My gag reflex seems to be triggered constantly and I have headaches every day.  This isn't typical for me so I think the teeth are causing something to mess up and I'll have to get another xray done, hopefully this Saturday. 

Blegh.  It's always one things or another.  I just want to feel okay and be myself again.  Instead, while I'm sitting in the movie theatre about to watch Tintin in 3-D (wonderful movie btw, definitely a must see), I start to feel light-headed and anxious.   It sucks balls.

Hopefully it'll get sorted out.
Cheers.

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

The Best of 2011

As each new year rolls around, we always find ourselves considering the year passed, the things we have accomplished and are proud of, secrets we have kept, new friends we have made, changes and growth, all kinds of experiences both good and bad...

There are a few moments and experiences in 2011 that have stuck with me throughout it all. 

-Meeting M.  It was not the stuff of fairy tales or romance novels.  We met at a bar/club through my brother and things basically moved forward from what could have been a passing moment.  Being in a relationship throughout this year has been the most growing and challenging thing I have ever experienced.  I have been stretched to my limits with learning to accept M for who he is and becoming more self aware with regards to my own flaws and weaknesses.  I am constantly realizing that love is a choice not simply a feeling and it has been quite a journey for both of us.

-Paying off one of my credit cards.  My New Years resolution at the beginning of 2011 was to become debt free for 2012.   Unfortunately, I haven't been able to completely fulfil that resolution, but I did manage to make a settlement with one of my credit cards companies and paid off the outstanding debt in three whopping bills.  It was a very stressful year financially and I have two more cards I need to clear off, but I'm confident now that there is a way to fix these credit issues and 2012 will be the year to become debt free.

-Adopting Licorice.  Bringing a new member into the family is both a joy and a time of chaos.  Licorice settled reasonably well and although we had one unfortunate episode of explosive diarrhea while driving down the car pool lane on a highway, growing to know Licorice has been an enjoyable and awesome experience.  He brings to our little family an excitement and just adds that extra spark.  Mr. Cat doesn't know what to do with him half the time...I don't even know what to do with him...but he's fantastic.

-Moving to a beautiful apartment.  In February of 2011, my sister and I moved to a wonderful, spacious, brightly lit apartment closer to my work.  It now takes both of us three minutes to walk across the street and to our work places, which is awesome for early morning shifts.  Roll outta bed, brush the hair, slap on some light make up and waddle over to the hospital.  On top of that, we have a trail the runs along the edge of the escarpment where Licorice gets his walks and we're close to the downtown stores and restaurants.  When I was younger I always had this idea in my head of what I wanted from life and it was strange because it consisted of concepts like living in a walk up apartment in a trendy neighbourhood.  It's not exactly trendy like Locke St or James St N, but the area I live in is very nice, I have a beautiful apartment (it IS a walk up) and I'm sad to report that they are converting our apartments into condos and soon I will be forced to find a new place to live.

Sadness...lots of sadness.  Usually once a day I go on Kijiji and try to find places to look at, but I have been forced to admit that I probably will never find another apartment as beautiful as my current one.  Depressing but true.


Those are the main highlights of this past year. I know it doesn't seem like much, but for someone like me, this has been a year of big changes and experiences for me.  Here's to 2012 and more growth!

Friday, 30 December 2011

Willow Tree

A pencil sketch by yours truly.  Nothing exciting.

Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Happy (almost) New Year!

So much has changed since this time in 2010.  I remember not having any firm New Year plans, then going over to my friend's house and realizing all over again that New Years means nothing unless you're spending it with someone or people that you love.

In 2010 I was lost and wandering, unhappy with the life I was leading and mistakes I kept making, but feeling powerless to stop myself or find another path to take.   I found contentment in the strangest place, with someone I had no relationship with and who inexplicably fell fully into my life.  We woke up the first morning together and the sun shone so brilliantly through my bedroom window.   

If I could sum up 2011 in a few words it would be:  new experiences.  The entire year feels like a time of experiencing new things that I have never felt or imagined before.  Instead of facing another year with trepidation, I look forward to what is to come, the journeys that are ahead, a bit frightening because they are unforeseeable, yet also exciting.

The animals make me laugh and help me remember that our lives are short and it truly is the little things that count.  Their song and dance with each other, scratching and fighting, Licorice accidentally stepping on Mr. Cat, Mr. Cat fighting back with his claws and then discovering them sleeping together...it amuses me and makes me grateful for my wonderful little family.




My boyfriend reminds me that we come into love not necessarily deserving all the great things it has to offer, but yet being given so much by grace.  Surely there is nothing greater than that:  receiving what is ultimately a gift from each other.  He is my namaste.



Life reminds me that we have the power to choose what we want from it.  We are not bound to one path or one decision that will carve out a future beyond our control...we are not powerless in the face of the unknown.  All that we can do is exist in the here and now and experience the beautiful and terrible things that life gives us.   I struggle with this acceptance a lot, with regards to losing weight and looking "beautiful".   Sometimes it feels like my body is beyond my control and I feel frightened and scared by that concept, but the reality is that I have the power to change my body and to grow in becoming more comfortable within my skin.   My personal challenge to myself for 2012 is to run the 5k Around-The-Bay Race and continue working on my physical fitness levels.



That is all I have today.  I pray and hope that 2012 will be a challenging and fruitful time for myself and for you.
~Peace

Monday, 26 December 2011

End Of The Year Reads



Not My Daughter by Barbara Delinsky
I compare Delinsky's novels in my mind to Nora Roberts, Nicholas Sparks and Jodie Picoult.  They appeal to a specific type of reader, one that enjoys a little bit of light entertainment, a gentle story.  To be honest, I shouldn't even have this book on my list as I couldn't force myself to finish it.

It starts out promisingly enough:  a single mother who had a baby at a young age discovers her seventeen year old daughter is pregnant, and even worse, two of her daughter's friends are pregnant as well.  They appear to have made pact to bring up their babies together as young single mothers and the entire novel deals with the impact it has on the main character, the older single mother who has tried to raise her daughter to choose a different life style.
Why couldn't I finish it?  Frankly, the book was boring and dry.  The dialogue between the characters was predictable and unexciting, the descriptions uninspired and generally lack lustre...for such a well known and toted author, I expected more.  I expect that will be the first and last Delinsky book I attempt to read.  
Without meaning to be condescending or rude, and as I mentioned earlier, her books appeal to certain type of people who haven't stretched their literary limitations.  If you enjoy a fast and easy read, I would recommend this book.  In the meantime, I'd rather entertain myself with some Berenstein Bears.





The Book Of Negroes by Lawrence Hill
I have never read in depth on the trials of the Africans during the slavery years.  Of course I was exposed to some details and watched the mini-series "Roots", so I knew somewhat of how these people suffered, but this read opened my eyes far more to the pain slavery inflicted on this group of people.

"Book of Negroes" takes you on a journey through the eyes of a young woman, captured into slavery while still an adolescent.  The book explores what it was like to be a girl becoming an African-American woman when slavery was still considered socially acceptable, even expected.
I don't want to say much about this book because I think it's something that should be picked up and read, but I will say that I found it riveting.  I couldn't put it down and even though I was horrified by what the protagonist went through, it was like watching a train wreck or a house burn down:  I was unable to tear my eyes away.
I highly recommend this.  Fun fact:  the author lives in my city!  I had no idea until I read his mini-bio on the back cover.






Something For The Pain by Paul Austin
This book was an easy read.  In fact, to be honest, most of the books I read during these past few months have been very easy to quickly read, but back on track..."Something For The Pain" is a type of autobiography written by Paul Austin, a doctor who specializes in ER medicine.  The book covers the doctor's venture in ER medicine and the different cases he dealt with through his years working in the emergency department.  Perhaps the most compelling point of the novel is the changes the author experiences to himself personally while learning how to survive and cope with working evening shifts and handling difficult cases.
If you enjoy medicine related literature, I would recommend this book as a fast read.  However, do expect to be moved to tears or to read something profound.  Although the author has certainly seen many compelling situations during his work, his words and expressions are rather dry and matter of fact, attesting to his calling as a doctor not writer.






The Birth House by Ami McKay
Bored at work one day, I picked up this in the hospital convenience store for $11 and it was money well spent.  "The Birth House" is a story about a young girl named Dora Rare who apprentices with an elderly midwife.  She learns how to deliver babies and create and administer home remedies for a various assortment of ailments.  The book is rich with descriptions of herbs and medicines that were commonly used in the time era of the early 1900s.  Set in Nova Scotia, the book delves in the lives of the farmers and city folk who created homes and futures for themselves despite difficult circumstances.

Dora sees heartbreak and growth, birth and death, happiness and sorrow.  The lives that the characters live are stirring and fascinating, especially compared to the current culture we are living in.  The novel also touches on the changes the world begins to see, moving from midwives and home births to hospital deliveries in sterilized areas.  It was very thought provoking for me as I began to consider how much of our medicine has moved to being sterile and dominated by pharmaceutical companies and doctors and whether that change has been a wholly positive thing.
I can compare "The Birth House" to "Book Of Negroes" in the fact that it also details the journey for a young girl into grown woman, learning the different lessons that life has to offer and becoming wiser with age.
While "The Birth House" has a somewhat feminist sentiment, it's not nauseating or overly preachy.  If I could compare "The Birth House" to another series of novels that have a similar feel, it would be L.M. Montgomery's "Anne Of Green Gables" series. 
It was a more difficult read, in that the descriptions were sometimes lengthy and monotonous, but I would still recommend this book as a great read--not a must read, but an enjoyable book to pick up if you have some extra time. 






The Scent Of Sake by Joyce Lebra
Perusing through the bargain area of Chapters, I saw this book for $4 and grabbed it.  It was described as "...a fantastic topic and setting and such strong memorable characters!".  To that I say, phooey.  The main protagonist, a young Chinese girl named Rie, struggles to run her family's sake business in a male dominated society.  The book addresses the changes the Chinese saw within their industrial sector between the 1800s and 1900s. 
Although the concept of the book seems interesting enough, it does not deliver.   The description of China and it's society seems stiff and dull, as though the author watched a documentary on the topic or read a history book and then copied the knowledge learnt into their novel.
The biggest issue, though, that I found with this novel was the main protagonist with very unsympathetic.  There was nothing about her plight that was compelling or moving and I found the book boring and the character dialogue stilted and dry.
I would not recommend this book to anyone.  Pass it by. 






Then Came You by Jennifer Weiner
Jennifer Weiner has written some of my favourite books, including "Good In Bed" and "In Her Shoes".  I decided to visit the library for the first time and months and saw this book on the bestseller express shelf--meaning you have seven days to read and return before you face exorbitant late fines. 
"Then Came You" presents the reader with a group of characters and you hope you will love.   The novel weaves together four women who each face their own demons and are forced, by circumstances beyond their control, to address those issues.  The main premise of the book is a touchy subject:  fertility clinics and surrogate mothers.  The subject that Weiner attempts to write on is heavy but the book surprisingly is a fluffy and light read, which is probably my least favourite aspect of it.  Instead of allowing the reader to emotionally connect and feel what each character is so intensely experiencing, Weiner jumps from aspect to aspect, from the egg donor to the surrogate mother to the infertile wife. 
On top of that, Weiner thrusts a lesbian relationship into the book, somehow squeezing it between flashbacks of certain characters, showing what made them who they are.  Everything felt forced and too quickly introduced, as though you just begin to understand one character and suddenly you're trying to understand the next.  This, I believe, is what makes multiple character narration so tricky to execute in a novel.
All in all, I felt disappointed with the book.  I made it to the end and it was much less painful than "The Scent of Sake", but it wasn't a Jennifer Weiner book that I loved.  The premise of the novel was brilliant;  the execution was poor.  My opinion?:  borrow it from the library instead of paying for a copy. 





Fall Of Giants by Ken Follett
Ken Follett is perhaps one of my favourite authors.  I discovered him last summer with the television program created of his novel "Pillars Of The Earth", which I read in less than week while on a camping trip with friends.  From there I naturally read the sequel "World Without End" and then went back and read one of his first novels "The Eye Of The Needle" which I also found enthralling.
"Fall Of Giants" is his most recent work, the first in the "Century trilogy" and it did not disappoint!  At a whopping 1008 pages, Follett chronicles a time when the world saw the most change--beginning in the early 1900s and continuing on through WWI. 
Despite the fact that I majored in history and found the early 1900s the most compelling time to research, I have always been a bit spotty on the causes of WWI and it's ultimate resolution.  "Fall Of Giants" more than answered those questions and enlightened me with regards to the political pacts and relationships that ultimately caused WWII.  The novel sets the stage of the introduction of WWII and the struggle in Russia for freedom from the aristocratic rule and then eventually from the Communist oppression.
While Follett takes on the difficult task of multiple narratives, each character is interesting and quirky, alive on the page and I often found myself rooting for their cause.  An English feminist campaigning for the suffragettes, a German finding himself on the wrong side of the battle lines, a Russian soldier blindly supporting the cause of Communism and then discovering the truth of Stalin, an American diplomat seeking to ease the relationships between America, France and Germany...each character brings a fresh storyline and dimension to this epic novel that sweeps across continents and time.
If I had to pick my favourite novel of 2011, this would be it.  I am waiting with heightened anticipation for the next book in the trilogy and I am awed by Follett's ability to write. 
The only somewhat boring parts of the novel were the chapters that dealt with the war manoeuvres using terms and concepts I was unfamiliar with.  However, I pushed through those paragraphs and found great reward in doing so.
Definitely a must purchase, despite being a bit costly, though considering the sheer size of the novel, the price is redeemable in my eyes.



The Help by Kathryn Stockett
I'm sure you have heard some buzz about this novel due to it's appearance on the big screen this year.  Typically, I prefer to read the novel before seeing the movie because I find too often that movies bastardize original works, but that was not the case with this movie/book.  The movie was moving and I found myself tearing up on a several occasions, and fortunately when reading the book, I discovered that the director and screen writer kept the movie very close to the original piece of work.
"The Help" is written about a subject not many people consider:  the lives of black housekeepers/nannies during the 1960s in Mississippi.  The city and society I live in is so far removed from what those women experienced and dealt with during that time.  Today we are fortunate enough to exist where racism is greatly diminished and not considered an acceptable attitude.  Of course there are people who are still discriminated against, but generally our government and majority of people are educated to accept all people of any race and decree.  Black people are allowed to swim with white people and share the same toilets, a practice that is normal to us.
However, the time during which this novel is set shows a side of people that is embarrassing and painfully truthful.  I remember sitting in the theatre and hearing the misconceptions brutally loud on the big screen, wondering how people justified those actions and thoughts;  to say that black people spread disease through toilet seats and weren't normal blows my mind and yet it was a common practice back then. 
I don't want to say anything else about this book because I think it should be read and enjoyed in it's entirety...however, I do recommend both the movie and the book.  Make sure you pick it up.

That's all for the book reviews!  As January nears and 2012 approaches quickly, I am trying to compile a list of must reads for the new year.  Any suggestions would be appreciated.  Happy New Year!

Friday, 16 December 2011

My presh Licorice


Handsome boy!

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

fight for me

It's been a long time since I've updated this blog and I have missed writing.   I've been faithful in my 750 words for the most part, currently on a 42 day streak, but I'm back here again and will try to be more consistent with my posting, although a cynical part of me wonders why I even do it.  For the love of writing?  I already write my 750 words (www.750words.com) daily so I don't necessarily need to come here at all...but I'm here.


Things have been hard lately.  Not hard as in major life decisions to be made in a matter of days, more like...winter doldrums.  98 more days until spring--I looked up a spring countdown widget, I can't lie--and I can barely contain my yearning for the smell of fresh earth, the buds on trees, new life... Spring is the season that resonates in my soul.  I don't even mind the rain and grey during spring time as I know it's the precursor to a warm and sunny season, summer.


But doldrums.  Serious down in the dumps.  Never mind that Christmas is right around the corner...I haven't even started my Christmas shopping.  I made a little list while twiddling my thumbs at work today and I discovered that I'm not very interested in picking presents this year.  I wish I could get everyone a gift card and be done with it, but the pleasure of giving gifts is in finding the perfect one and watching the receiver's face as they open it. Splendid.  Okay, maybe I'm talking myself into being excited about finding gifts...


I'm down in the dumps about the long, cold nights and few hours of pure sunshine, which transfers to other things in my life.  I'm so lackadaisical about work.  I should be trying to pick up more hours with the financial burden of Christmas, but I don't even care.  Not only are things hard with what I self diagnose as SAD (seasonal affect disorder), financially everything is so tight.  I paid off a credit card settlement in three large-ish settlements which set me back, I still don't have my own computer because I can't afford one...I miss downloading music and movies, tv shows and eBooks, going on my LOST forum and surfing Youtube.  It was an enjoyable break from the mundane reality of life.


I'm scraping by just paying hydro and rent.  It's exhausting, the worrying.  What would I do if I got sick and couldn't work?  I'm not covered for anything!  What about my second credit card?  Where will I live when these apartments eventually get turned into condos?  The worst part is:  I don't really have anyone to work through these things with.  M tries his best to be supportive, but sometimes I get angry because I feel like he gets to live like a teenagers or college kid and I'm the one who has to go to a crappy job and work shifts I hate in order to pay our rent and food costs.  Trying to ignore those feelings hasn't helped.  At all.


The SAD is also affecting my relationship with him.  I get so frustrated and upset about the most trite and ridiculous things.  I get so angry at him for fighting with me...not even fighting, because he won't engage in warfare...disappointing me.   For not giving me what I need, for giving up so fast without a protest, for not persisting and trying to talk to me about problems.  For not being the boyfriend I need, for leaving me in high water.  I just want him to text me, pursue me, say something, say anything...I want him to fight for me.


I know I'm exhausting, annoying, frustrating and irksome.  I know I'm trying and I ask for a lot.  I know I fail to compromise and be flexible.  I know that things which are minute in the grand scheme of life matter more to me than they should.  I realize it must be difficult to love me through all these issues I have, but I want someone who will fight for me and my love.  I want to know I matter that much to someone.  To anyone.


Since I started dating M, most of my "church/Christian" friends have fallen away, disappeared.  K (one of them) said I was pushing people away, so I feel now as if it's my fault.  Have I change so thoroughly?  Do people no longer recognize me?  Am I completely altered?


Sometimes I sit and read old cards, letters and notes my friends gave me.  They are full of sweetness and light.  We will always be friends.  There is no one like me.  I aspire kindness and respect.  I am wise, we have a connection, I am loved, we will always and forever be friends.


Now it rings of adolescent foolishness.  No one can predict the future.  We will follow our own paths, will make smart and destructive choices.  The people who make the promises of eternal comradeship should reconsider.  Ultimately they aren't hurting themselves--they're hurting the people who believe them and that was my foolishness: believing them.


It sounds overly dramatic, I know, but it's true.  I feel afloat when I think of all the friends I once had who never bother texting me, talking to me, maintaining the connection.  It always comes back to:  have I changed?  Am I no longer the Marcia they knew?  I would personally attribute any possible negative changes in my character to working so long in a depressing and negative work place, but I'm sure those friends would blame my sinful life style.


They no longer invite me to breakfasts, get togethers and why?  Because God doesn't hear me anymore.  Because I'm not pure anymore.  My sins encompass me and now define who I am in their eyes.  I no longer have dreams and hopes, I don't feel hurt over being ignored or cast away...although apparently that is my choice.  Sinners don't care about anyone except themselves, right?


M doesn't text me, just like those friends.  They gave up on me and I never hear from them.  M says he's afraid of my anger that sometimes burns so very brightly.  He says he doesn't know what to say to me when I'm so upset and normally I value his hesitancy to speak rashly and inflame the situation, but this time I'm waiting and waiting.  I want to hear from him first, like a stubborn child.  Irrationally, I think to myself, 'I always cede first'.  I send the text saying "I'm sorry" first.  I try to make amends and it's exhausting.  Maybe it's my responsibility because I usually provoke the disagreements, but where is he, being the man?  Why doesn't he persist, pursue, continue?  Why won't he fight for me?  What can't he grasp or understand why this is so important to me?


I need him to prove that he is not like those friends.  I need to believe he won't fade away.


I am ashamed of how girly and boring this entry is but I need to vent.  I need to find peace with my friends, the ones who have moved on to their own lives which don't include me. 
I need to get into a Christmas spirit.  I need to start (and finish) that list. 
I need to be kinder and gentler with my boyfriend who gives me so much already.


I need some love.

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Finding a way...

When you're a child, you look forward with excitement to adulthood.  The whole world conspires, or so it seems, to slow down the journey into growing up and you wait with eagerness for responsibility and the perks that come with it.  Your curfew is slower extended but your chores and duties grow as well.  High school means meeting new people and staying out with friends, but it also weighs you down with homework that keeps you up all night and concepts that are hard to understand.  Driving your parents car means freedom to go shopping without the hour long bus ride, but it also entails paying for gas and arguing with your parents to even use the car.  You begin to experience those wonderful and elusive things that you saw your parents doing, but the cost seems steeper than ever.  Coffee, watching any movie want, going out for fancy dinners, eating dessert with every meal, drinking a beer or glass of wine, consorting with the opposite sex...suddenly all those things are at your fingertips, ripe for the taking.
Somehow I think we get tricked as a child.  Perhaps it's our naivete that allows such a thing to happen, maybe our parents should shatter the illusion sooner than later in life, but all of a sudden we wake up and realize that all the things that seemed so wonderful when we were kids have become just normal parts of life and we no longer desire them the way we used to.

Yes, that is the way of life.  When we get what we desperately we want, we usually discover that it isn't exactly what we wanted, or we find that we get used to it and eventually begin to take it for granted.  Such is the strangeness of life.  I remember when I first moved into my apartment, I took solace in the quiet lonely nights where the constant shouting and noise from my siblings disappeared.  I valued being able to come and go as I pleased without giving an ETA to anyone, I loved being the boss of myself.  Gone was the need to check in with my parents or to disclose the choices I had made and give my rationale for them.

After living alone for about 18 months, my sister moved in with me and I realized quickly that I had missed having someone close in my life.  The chaos and hubbub of her arrival was enjoyable and I loved coming home after to work to someone sitting in my living room, ready to talk and discuss the day's events;  it was a great change and I find that I very much cherish living with her. 

Now things have changed once again and I find myself living with my boyfriend who slowly but steadily grew into my life.  I can't imagine not having him at home with me, sitting alone and having space with no one to talk to, no one to confer with, no one to confide in.  The silence I once loved is no longer welcome and I miss him when he is out.  Slowly I am learning to accept that he can't be there all the time, but I continue to savour the moments we have together.

Back to the first paragraph, as I have gone on a frightful tangent...I feel duped at times, discovering that the responsibility far outweighs the perks, that everything must be worked for and sought after.  It's not easy to grow up and suddenly come to that understand and often times I wish I was ten again, viewing life with excitement and anticipation, not trepidation over whether I'll be able to pay my hydro bill.

If I have learned anything in the past ten months spent with M., it's that I can change and I can grow.  I must change and I must grow in order for the relationship to prosper and be functional...I continue to struggle with that acceptance and how to manifest it entirely in my life.  I tell M. that he must be a different person for our to be together but I find it hard to give in even the smallest ways.  I know how hypocritical I sound and that knowledge hangs over me, burdening my heart.  I want to be a good girlfriend, I want to make him happy, but I also realize that our happiness cannot hinge on each other and I must be true to myself in order to remain in a relationship.

Sorry if this post is odd or confusing.  I know that it's hard to understand what I'm saying when I don't go into intimate details, but I do want you to know that I am the adult that I dreamed of being when I was a child, though sometimes I wish I wasn't. 

Peace.

Friday, 4 November 2011

Bend, not break



Flexiblity:  a character trait that I am learning anew each and every day.  It's an important aspect of life...to go with the flow and be accepting that things change.  Being rigid and inflexible is behaviour I have noted in my parents and I have made the resolution since childhood that I do not want to live my life the same way.

In the off chance, in fact, in the most likely chance that I feel angry or frustrated with my Person over ways that I feel he has failed me, I like to write down memories of things that he has done to go back and read, reminders to myself of all the kind ways he has treated me, the actions which he has displayed his love to me through.  It helps me put things into perspective, when I read about all he has done, and I usually end up relaxing and being more flexible and understanding.

So here it is--the latest in a series of M. related posts that no one really needs to hear about but what I need to write about...I have to. 

Today I was scheduled to work 7-3, which is a bizarre shift for me. I  normally go in to work at 3 in the afternoon and I had to get up at 6 in the morning to go to work??  I haven't woken up that early since I went to bed that late.   M. ended up going out to see a movie with some friends and then get some food after.  When he texted me and said he was ordering food at a restaurant with friends around 9:15pm, I was immediately cranky. 

Number one, I wanted food!  There's nothing like a delicious late evening appetizer.  Number two, I wanted him to come home and fall asleep with me not stay out late with friends.  Number three, he had originally said he would be back at nine, then amended that statement to "no later than ten" and suddenly he's ordering food at 9:15?  I knew that wasn't going to be enough time and I felt like saying, "Fuck you, don't come home after!", punishing him for once again going back on what he said would happen.

But then I thought, 'He hardly ever goes out with his friends anymore.  Almost all his time is spent with me.  I need to be more flexible and encourage him to spend time with his friends, especially friends that I like.  Plus, we're both adults and I won't be able to fall asleep before 11 anyway, because I slept in so damn late this morning'.

With all the maturity and good will in my heart, I texted him back and said, "Hope you have a good time.  Pls don't be later than 11 or go to your parents to asleep".  And I added a ":)" to the end of the text to convey the good will I was attempting to feel in my heart.  I walked Licorice alone and felt sad that my friends don't care to go out with me for an impromptu movie and late night snack.

11, I thought, was a good compromise.  I had to get up at 6, which meant at least 6 hours of sleep, something I could function on.  I did some writing when I got home and at ten-thirty I brushed my teeth and started to head to the bedroom.  At 10:56 I heard the key scraping in the lock and the sound of his footsteps in the hallway.  He creaked into the bedroom and climbed onto the bed.  I felt like saying something irritable like, "Wow, cutting it really close there" or "Whatever happened to 9?", but as he kissed me awake, I wrapped my arms around his body and slipped my hands up under his shirt, I discovered he was slick with sweat and the realization flooded over me:  he ran to get here on time.

All the little things that drive me crazy, the eccentricities and odd quirks that he has seemed to melt away and disappear from my mind as he kissed my nose and cheeks and sweat all over me.  I know it doesn't sound very romantic--almost disgusting actually--but that is the stuff that relationships and love is made of:  not the exciting moments that make your heart beat faster, although those are of course wonderful... But it's the moments when you realize how much that person loves you and how far and fast they would run for you, in those moments you start to value how much the person means to you and what love truly is. 

End note:  I am proud of my self control.  I didn't freak out or get mad.  We lay together and talked, enjoyed each other under the cover darkness and I fell asleep cradled in his arms.  What could have been another huge fight was avoided because I chose to remain calm and accept that some things are beyond my control and I need to be more flexible;  I need to bend, not break.

Happy Friday to you all.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

my sometimes faith

My parents are devout Christians.  When people hear that phrase "devout Christians", they immediately conjure up ideas of what a devout Christian is constituted of;  as I continue to explain the way my parents function and what they believe in, they are surprised at the fact that such people exist in our modern day society.  I suppose in some ways they affiliate my parents' devotion and discipline to the Amish or Mennonites.  Not using birth control and trusting that whatever happens is up to God's divine power seems bizarre to them, that being only one of the many faith driven approaches my parents have taken in life.

Myself, having grown up with such a mindset (whatever happens is within God's allowance and will happen no matter what action we choose) have found myself becoming fatalistic in my view of life.  The choices I make may be mine, but God still knows every contingency and is prepared for whatever actions we make.  Therefore, nothing I do is a surprise to God, everything was meant to happen the way it did and all I can do is make the best of the current circumstances.

In some ways, my parents frighten me with their absolute faith in a being, who I believe exists but who remains ineffable and ethereal.  My father has a personal relationship with God, something I have struggled for but it continues to elude me, despite my praying, reading long passages of the Bible and talking about my doubts with other Christians.  I found that the church drove me away from seeking God instead of compelling to seek and desire more;  I would attend the services, walking in and out without one person saying a single word to me.

Anyway, during our informative years my parents bombarded us with Bible stories, proverbs, tales of warning, instructions on how to live a godly and Christian life, cliched statements and interesting thoughts on how one becomes a better person through a relationship with Jesus... All of this was a cumulative attempt to prepare us for a life on our own, even though they never practically offered any advice on curve balls life would inevitably throw at us, such as:  peer pressure, drinking, pre-marital sex and birth control, situational ethics, etc.  The real issues would avoided and my parents lived their life strictly black and white, no grey matters, situational ethics rigorously rejected.

I wonder now, what I am or what I believe in.  I feel as though I'm spending my life trying to reconcile the choices I am making with the thoughts in my head, theology I have been propagated with my entire life.  I want to write my own life story, to decide things based on my own decisions, uninfluenced by anyone or anything else, but there are all these voices telling me what I should believe and what I should do.

Most overwhelmingly is the thought that I'm in a relationship with someone who doesn't have the exact same religious views that I do, and each time he disappoints me or leaves me feeling sad and alone, I wonder, 'Is this all worth it?  Is this the person I'm embracing instead of the God I was taught to believe in?'  In moments when he lets me down, I realize I can't trust him fully and I definitely cannot hinge my happiness on him. 

Only people who have this exact background will understand what I mean.  I attach meaning to everything I see and choices I make, but I'm unsure of what the meaning is and I worry that it will remain unclear until the end of my life.  I believe I may be thinking and worrying my life away instead of simply living it. 

I have no answer to these thoughts.  It's NaNoWriMo. I'm not writing a novel but I am writing and I am going to try and do so every day.  Good luck to you if you are embarking on this endeavour!

Monday, 24 October 2011

worry & a year

There are always many pressing matters on the mind, but frustratingly enough I manage to push them away until the wee hours of the night where I find myself laying on my back, staring up at the ceiling and considering all that there is to be done and all I can do to ensure these things come to pass.  Mostly I find myself worrying about vague things that are beyond my scope or control, case in point:  whether the life I'm attempting to build with M is really what I should be doing.  How will I know what I should be doing until I try it?

Even though I don't put much stock in Gandhi and the philosophy/religious he emanated, I found wise words he once said earlier last week and have been turning them over in my mind and examining the merit and truth behind them. 


There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever. (Gandhi)

(As I say, I absolutely do not lean toward Gandhi's theology especially his completely non-violent approach to everything life could throw at him.  He stated once that the Jews should have stayed in Germany and should have accepted whatever Hitler did to them as a political statement of refusing to be oppressed.  News for you Mr. Gandhi:  even with all their running and hiding, millions upon millions died and how many more would have had they been pacifists?  There's a fine line between trusting God will take care of you and being an absolute prat.)

I like the quote though.  Maybe there just is a universal God and we all believe in the same one, although I don't think that's very likely as each of us seem to almost create who we believe God to be in our heads.  My parents say they draw their interpretation of who God is directly from the Bible, but so many Christians have different views of who they consider God to be, each saying they have drawn those views from the same Bible my parents read...who is right?  Is there a right?

These paragraphs aren't exactly flowing into each other smoothly;  I know that I fail to pull my thoughts into one coherent statement many times. 

I was just thinking how it's been almost a year since I went to a Halloween party at a friend's house and slept with a random person that I didn't know.  So much has passed since that night, so many lessons learned, so many bridges crossed and I'm supposed to consider that I am still the same Marcia that I have always been.  
The year where so much changed...the year of being 26, the year of massive leaps and bounds, a few steps falling back, a few moving forward...

If everything was meant to happen, do we truly make mistakes?  I have considered that choice a mistake this entire year but perhaps it was supposed to happen in order to bring me to where I am now.  I've learned so much since that experience and I consider my life and all that I have, feel immensely grateful and happy, and I know that I love the person I'm with.

I can't think of anything else to say.  I'm trying not to dwell on the negative, on the hurts because we're all hurt in some way... The future is what we have.  There is no looking back, only moving forward.


 

Monday, 17 October 2011

Blind Dates

Today at work I had a sudden recollection of a blind date I went on a while ago. 
The opportunity presented itself to me in a message sent from a friend on Facebook.  Oh Facebook...it has introduced so many wonderful and terrible things into my life, blind dating being the latter. 


Anyway, she sent me this cryptic message simply saying, "Do you trust me?"  (By the way, if anyone ever asks you that, it's probably best to opt with "No, what do you want?".)  I replied naively with, "Of course!  What do you need?"  Honestly, I do trust and respect this woman so it wasn't a stretch for me to reply in that manner;  I was, however, surprised by her answer.


She told me she knew a guy who was a friend of her son's who had been looking for a relationship for a long time.  He had a good job, had his own place, was easy going and friendly...he seemed like a great person on paper.  She said that he was a bit shy and had been talking to them about how he was struggling to find someone he could connect with.  Suddenly, during their conversation, she was struck with enlightment!  In her mind she matched us up but at least had the courtesy to message me first on Facebook and ask if it would be okay so arrange a date.

I was a bit kerflummoxed by the message.  First off, I had just started to lose weight and become somewhat comfortable with how I looked, so it seemed a bit outrageous that anyone would consider me as possible girlfriend material.  Secondly, how well do these people really know?  They saw an aspect of me at church but Marcia as a whole person?  The girl who would go to the gym at 2 a.m. and run on the treadmill because she couldn't sleep and was lonely?  The girl who lived on chickpeas and tuna?   The girl who struggled to look at herself in the mirror? 

Did this friend really know me well enough off to arrange a match for me?  I'll admit though, I was somewhat excited.  The prospect around me were minimal...the guy pool at church has shrunk to...well...zero... I had the song "Matchmaker Matchmaker" run through my head on a loop and I envisioned what this guy might look like.  Tall?  Handsome?  Smart?  Funny?  There were so many possibilities! 

In my heart, I knew it wasn't the right time for a blind date.  I had fallen in love with someone else and I suppose in a way, I was pining for him.  As I ran on that treadmill, I imagined myself with this guy I had fallen for, because obviously he was the perfect guy for me and hopefully, eventually he had to come to his sense and realize that was the truth as well.  But in the meantime, I figured going on a blind date wouldn't hurt and who knows?  It would be best to leave all the options open... 



So here's what went down:  I agreed to the date, my friend sent him details about me and he was interested, so off we went.  My friend and her husband agreed to come along so we  wouldn't be left alone and they decided mini-golfing would be fun.  Let me add here that I don't really care for organized games such as bowling, mini-golfing, darts etc, but I went along with it gamely and rode with them in their car to the course. 

The first thing was that I wasn't attracted to him.  He wasn't ugly or hideous to any extent, but I wasn't drawn to him.  I have been sexually and physically attracted to people that aren't the standard good looking guys, but right off the cuff I knew I wasn't attracted to him at all.  However, I decided to give it a shot, smile and talked and we played our way through the course.  In retrospect, I enjoyed the mini-golfing aspect of the night which wasn't saying much.



He hardly said anything to me the whole time.  Perhaps he was so shy that he couldn't speak to me directly, but he made jokes with the husband and talked to my friend, ignored me the whole time except for a few words here and there.  The fortunate part was that the mini-golf kept us busy and the awkwardness was held at bay until we went to a Tim Hortons after and were forced to make conversation.  I asked all the leading questions in order to keep it flowing and he sat and played on his iPhone the entire time.  In fact, he decided it would be great to show us every single "cool" app that he had downloaded and was enthralled with fake lighter app that apparently is handy when you're at concerts.


It wasn't so much humiliating as a life lesson:  don't let people who aren't completely familiar with you attempt to match you up with someone.  I am glad that I went because I learned what I wanted from a significant other:  someone who isn't self-involved and has zero sense of humour.  I would never have considered those qualities necessary until I was put in above detailed situation.  Ahh, life is funny.  And by the way, I got over the guy that I had been pining for and completely forgot about the blind date during that time of healing.  I suppose the only reason the blind date came to mind was because when I was surfing apps on my android, I stumbled across a lighter app and the entire story was brought to mind... 


I'm also proud that I can look back and say, "I have been on a blind date".  How many people have done such an exciting and interesting thing?  There's this little saying on the side of the Lulu Lemon bags that says something like, "Do one thing everyday that frightens you" or something along those lines.  And I did.

Friday, 14 October 2011

Political Thoughts

It is easy to be an activist. It’s not very easy to be an effectivist and actually effect change. You have to do your research, find out problems and the actual solutions, and activate that in strategic ways. "Specific demands are more likely to corner decision makers and policymakers and force a response: 'Yes or no. are you going to do this?'” ~D. Conacher

It's almost impossible to read print or virtual media, listen to the radio or watch television without being made aware of the Occupy Wall Street protests that are gathering through North America.  I came into the knowledge of said protests when a Facebook friend "liked" Occupy Canada and I became curious as to what occupying Canada consists of.  After clicking on the link of their Facebook page and reading through their posts and info, it became apparent that the movement is doing exactly what the authors were hoping for:  creating a media awareness of the group and exposing the dichotomy of two very different mindsets.

The intention behind Occupy Canada is frustrating in it's vagueness.   Reading through news reports that quoted statements from varied individuals, some of the intentions became clear:  participants are protesting the fact that the rich are becoming richer and the poor are often struggling to pay their utility bills and feed their families.  Armine Yalnizya, senior economist for the Canadian Centre for Policy Alternatives states, "Canada's rich could make a difference.  Our governments should ask them to step up to the plate".
The complaints stated by protesters fall along the lines of:

-the government needs to force the rich to share the wealth
-the government needs to stop hoarding money
-the government needs to stop monopolizing the prices of hydro/fuel/necessities
-capitalism should be monitored
-there needs to be more equality in salaries
-salaries should be capped

Remove government regulations!  Enforce stricter government regulations!  Raise income tax on the wealthy!  Remove income tax completely!  Call CEOs and large corporations to task!  Remove corporations completely!  Dismantle the stock market (despite the fact that through stock markets and shares people are able to create business which in turn create more jobs?) and return to gold and silver!   Feed the poor and give them more money!   Destroy the government that feeds the poor and gives them money!


Most of the sentiments expressed are disturbingly socialist and communist in disposition.   No, I'm not going off an anti-communist tirade Frank Burns style, but I was surprised to stumble across this comment posted on CBC's article regarding Occupy Canada:


"The "Occupy Canada" Facebook page removed my comment overnight.
I said, "Capitalism (free enterprise) creates jobs. Socialism creates debt and taxes. God bless Canada."
I was expecting a lot of hostile comments but this (censorship) surprised me." ~AcePilot101


For a group that is calling our government to be more accountable and supposedly is transparent with their motives and requests, the censorship is disturbing, and even worse is the fact that no one will see that action as a warning sign.  Despite the fact that groups/organizations may claim to be above-board and honest with their dealings, the unfortunate tendency of human nature to be egoists and one-minded in their crusades for liberty, equality and freedom taints the utopia that they may be attempting to build.  Censoring opposing viewpoints or opinions seems like a remarkably similar tactic that these bleeding hearts are lobbying against.




The most important question that is presenting itself to us Ontarians is this:  where were this politically motivated people during the recently past provincial election?   The election saw a record low turn out of 49.2%.  There are, of course, multiple reasons experts are touting to explain the exceedingly low vote turnout, but the basic reason remains: indifference.  People are indifferent to the government, probably because they feel nothing they do will precipitate any real or lasting change.  The common refrain I heard was, "I don't know who to vote for" and "There aren't any candidates I support", incensing me as I believe it your civil duty to take ten minutes to educate yourself on what each party represents and to vote for whomever most closely epitomizes your ideals.  
Anarchy appears to be a common refrain among these people and they believe they are being repressed by police presence and the government.  Perhaps the people who support the belief system of removing all government systems and authorities need sit down and thoroughly read "A Tale of Two Cities" by Charles Dickens. 
Anarchy solves nothing and simply creates chaos and lawlessness;  anarchy is not the answer.  Yes, our judicial and legal system is poorly run, the law is executed sloppily, some policemen may be corrupt, but the fact is:  the government is not telling your average policeman to be corrupt--that is their own personal choice that they have made.  There is no tax credit given to those to abuse their power as a reward;  injustice, unfairness and prejudice exists in the hearts of men individually.




My poor boyfriend sat through a long winded rant last night which consisted of me expressing my disdain for those who take the time to participate in protests (such as Occupy Canada which has spurred the above quotation among other vast and varied media responses), but fail to make their ideals or "morals" an actuality in their day to day lives.   These activists want justice and equality in oblique and unspecific ways, but how do they activate equality and generosity in their own lives?  How many people take the time to practically combat poverty in their backyard on a day to day basis?   If you, as an individual, are supporting Occupy Canada and opposing the way our society and country is being operated fiscally, how are you activating positive changes around you in a real and tangible way?  How are you being an effectivist?




While I agree that CEOs are making exorbitant and undeserved amounts of money which in turn causes large deficits within corporations and leads to workers being laid off, I also don't expect them to give me any of their salary in order to make up for the inequality of it.  Yes, I can't afford to have my wisdom teeth removed right now because I don't have a benefits package or any financial leeway for the surgery, but I don't expect someone else to pay for me.
For those who believe there should be more money spent on social needs (i.e.: covering dental costs for those too poor to afford it), consider this:  someone has to pay.   The money to fund Ontario Works doesn't grow on a mysterious tree;  the common worker such as myself or my parents who pay income tax are the ones who fund Ontario Works.  Social reform and desire to see everyone treated equally is a lovely sentiment, but who will pay for all these things?   Should people who have spent their lives building companies and now live comfortably have to pay for the needs of others?  What is the practical answer to this conundrum?  There are complaints that sports athletes are ridiculously over paid...stop paying for tickets to see games and stop purchasing merchandise that supports them.  For those who complain about the outsourcing of companies...withdraw your business from that company and seek a Canadian based business that will support our economy.




Practically, the best way for you to support Canada and build toward a stronger economy is to promote "Made In Canada".  Purchase items that are built/created in Canada, support businesses that based in our country, choose to buy vegetables that are grown by our farmers... That is the best and most efficient way for you to accelerate our economy.  Instead of brandishing signs and sentiments that state how awful a country Canada is to live in, consider what you can do to make it a better place.  Embrace positive effectivity instead of campaigning negative attitudes that fail to manifest any useful ideas that may implement change.  Fight the injustices you see with love and kindness, not an intolerance for people with differing views.  If you truly believe that Canada is an awful place to live in, consider moving to a different country when you can find a strong social system;  certainly don't sit around spewing how diminishing, damaging and useless our country is while taking advantage of our health care and other social benefits.  Consider that the country you find so repugnant actually consists of your neighbours, friends, family, people you know and love, not simply a nefarious government that is scheming to destroy our freedoms and stamp out our inner flames. 




Canada does need to change in many ways.  We can move forward together and bring politicians, financial advisers, corporations and shareholders into accountability.  However, acting like spoiled little children who are unaware of how the country actually operates fiscally and economically is embarrassing for people participating in the protests and people watching them.  Establish a knowledge base of what you are opposing and what you specifically want to see change before you run into the streets waving your signs with self-righteous indignation burning in your hearts.




You are all sighing with relief that you aren't my boyfriend and don't have to sit through these rants on a daily basis.  Consider how you are being an effectivist on a daily basis, even in the smallest and most faithful of ways.
Love.

Monday, 10 October 2011

A Giving of Thanks

While slogging through a slow paced work day, I've had time to contemplate the past year and how drastically my things to be thankful for have changed.  Last year when my family went around the circle (as the tradition dictates) and each person shared at last one thing they are thankful for, I said,
"My apartment...my cat and dog...my boyfriend..."
I believe 2010's thanksgiving went more like,
"My cat and my family..."
Although I of course still am grateful for my family, especially my brothers and sisters, I found that the focus of my thankfulness was my boyfriend, even just the fact that I no longer feel so alone and lost.

As we lay on my bed and talked about the night we met (our nine month anniversary just passed), a few tears trailed down my cheeks and into the corners of my mouth.
"I was so lonely before I met you,"  I said to M, and I supposed that is really the thing I am most grateful for.  The fact that I have someone to talk to and to go home to after a long day of work. 


I woke up this morning and looked around the apartment before I headed out the door for work.  The plant he bought me was moved to the dining room table, the curtains blew in the breeze, the kitchen counter clean and scrubbed down thanks to him taking time to help clean...

We need to stop and consider all the things that we have in our lives that we take for granted.  I know I will be trying more and more to consider those things myself.

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

The way the heart changes, work & too much coffee!

I was reading a bit of "The Book Of Negroes" while at work today (fabulous read so far btw;  I shall review it soon) and read a couple paragraphs detailing an elderly slave who was thrown off of the ship due to his sick condition.  His wife who had lovingly been caring for him with tenderness in her touch and eyes, wailed and cried and over the course of the following week diminished greatly in health, only to be thrown over herself, joining her husband/partner in the ocean.
"In the next days, the woman's sadness was so great that nobody wanted to stand near her on the deck, or crouch beside her at the food bucket...After two more days, she was no longer moving.  She was carried out and thrown into the deep, the same as her man..."
As I read through those words, my stomach turned within me and I felt a sick twisting in my stomach that I have only experienced once before.  Empathy to the plight of all the Africans who were wrenched away from their homes and treated worse than live-stock, torn away from the people they loved and the culture they were familiar with...but even deeper than the empathy for them was a lingering realization that the wrenching sensation in my heart and stomach wasn't due to my horror from reading those words;  it came from my imagining M. being torn violently away from me, his spirit departing from his body, I left alone in the world without his warmth and comfort.

Even though I have known for months now that I love him deeply, love him through all the disagreements and fights, I have never truly considered how it would feel to lose him in such a final manner.  I have never known this love before, moving so deep within me like the roots of a willow tree, sustaining life and growth.  At times I feel restless because I fret and worry over what future we have together or whether I have what it takes to be in a functional relationship, but the truth that I face while considering these somewhat turbulent emotions is that my life has been ineffably changed by M. being in my life as a lover and friend...and I don't want to return to my life before him.

I had more thoughts to write but work has taken my inspiration and sucked it right out of me!  The only bright moment of the day was when a new resident started talking to me about a patient and it became apparent that I knew more about the patient's medical condition than their nurse did--which isn't saying much as their nurse today was extremely, ehm, silly.  Anyway, he asked me why I wasn't a nurse and I said I didn't like touching people I didn't know (especially sick people), to which he responded with, "What about a radiologist?"


I like it when random people talk to me for a few minutes and right away decide I'm smart enough to be a doctor.  Of course, we can all be whatever we want to be, or that's what we're told as children, but the reality of it is that we do have limitations and we learn quickly from life to build our dreams and plans around them.  That's all I can think about right now.  I had 2 cups of coffee today so my stomach is now in turmoil.  I feel the pressing need to go home, lay down and sleep for several hours without stirring.  These twelve hour shifts are exhausting, especially under these fluorescent lights. 

I feel old.