Monday, 8 November 2010

Self thoughts

Even though I recently wrote about attempting to be more grateful for my life circumstances, I find that very hard to live out.

I believe the main reason why I'm so unhappy and ungrateful for my current situation is because I feel alone most of the time. I hope that with the moving in of "S", things will be better, but really...she isn't going to be able to fill the need to be loved by a man.
Somehow that has been my whole life aspiration--to find someone who will love me unconditionally and make babies with them.

I have changed significantly since the years when I felt that need so acutely. I find I'm happier with who I am right now and with the choices I have made, but every once in a while it sneaks up on me...

The fear that one day I will wake up at the age of thirty or forty something and realize I am alone. No one loves me like a man loving a woman, and I may as well pack it in.

That is a rather ridiculous statement...there are many people who have remained single their entire lives, and they are content and happy with that fact. However, perhaps I'm just an extremely different person than them, but I seek the approval of people around me, and I need to be verified through the knowledge that a man finds me attractive and loves me enough to commit to a life time with me.

It's as though--knowing that someone loves me that much makes me feel like I'm finally worth something. Knowing that someone is willing to spend their entire lives connected to my sometimes neurotic behaviour is a beautiful idea...

But as so many people tell me over and over again...seeking approval from people around me isn't the answer to finding ultimate self worth. It's accepting who I am, my talents, my failures, the way I look...accepting those attributes and then figuring out how to work with what I have...that's what promotes a healthy sense of self worth.

Honestly, it boggles my mind how some people have such a strong, almost narcissistic view of themselves. What makes you so great? Do you have simply amazing hair that puts Rob Pattinson's messy shag cut to shame? Are you unbelievably proficient at playing a musical instrument? Do you possess artistic talents? What makes you such an amazing person?

Perhaps because I focus overall on the negative aspects of life, I then also focus on the negative aspects in myself, and fail to recognize anything that has the possibility to flourish and grow. I tend to see the mistakes that I make, the blemishes on my face, the thoughtless things I say, more than I see the talent or the beauty in myself.

In fact, when people compliment me on something, anything, I feel very uncomfortable and tend to ward off those compliments. They just seem like lies because I can't accept them as truths.

So perceiving this issue as what it is--a problem--should in some ways make it easier for me to remedy it, but unfortunately that is not necessarily the case. Even though you can "know thyself", I do not find that standing outside of yourself and looking in, looking and reviewing all your existing complaints will necessarily help you know how to fix it. I know that I need to somehow boost my sense of self worth, but where exactly am I supposed to start with that? How do you move from one mindset to a completely different one?

It's a huge endeavour, but it's also, I believe, necessary. I need to find a way to be happier with who I am, or it won't matter where I go or what I do or who I end up with...I will still be unhappy with myself. Seeking the approval of people around me might work temporarily, but as a long term plan...not so much.

Thinking and worrying over this conundrum probably isn't helpful for my anxiety either, but there it is...c'est la vie. We are who we are, and continual self exploration may assist in making us more open to change, but we still inherently are the same person. I'm Marcia, the girl who was fat and who still is fat inside. I'm surprised when guys look at me, I'm surprised when people compliment me on something, and I'm surprised when I look in the mirror and for a split second don't recognize myself.

Let's say...let's hope for the new year which is approaching at a scary speed...let's hope that I can find the girl who isn't afraid of what people think of her and who doesn't live seeking approval.

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