Sunday, 17 April 2011

work and how life sucks

I believe we should find some satisfaction in our jobs, whether it's serving coffee, working at a hospital, making art for the public, holding a "$5 fresh pizza" sign on a side walk, teaching children how to read, walking on iron building structures thousands of feet in the air, or testing people to assess whether they're able to drive properly.

Clearly the word "work" has some negative connotations for a good reason. Work is the thing that we have to do. We can't, I can't live without going to work because I wouldn't be able to pay assorted bills or enjoy leisurely activities without a steady source of income. Work is what we're forced to do even if we don't feel like it and that is part of becoming an adult...doing things that you don't necessarily want to do.

But lately I've been wondering where the line is between hating the need or requirement to work and simply hating your job. For a while I was content to go to work and I enjoyed spending time there, especially considering the pay cheque I was receiving...but lately it's become apparent to me that pay cheques do not keep one happy long term. I look forward to work shifts with a sick feeling in my stomach sometimes. I'm sick of the negativity that seems to breed in the nursing stations, that has pervaded my life and my mind set.

I was never the person to drop the word "fuck" multiple times in a sentence and now I find myself saying "fucking hell" or "that's fucking bullshit" or "I'm fucking outta here" all the time. It's disturbing. I even accidentally said it in front of one of my friends who doesn't curse or use impolite words.

And I've never been the person to bring work issues and frustrations home, but now after a particularly long and annoying day, I storm home cranky and barely manage to hold a conversation with people around the apartment without wanting to freak out. I can't believe how much my work has affected my attitude and I hate it.

There it is--I almost completely hate my job. I don't feel challenged to use my brain, to learn new things, to problem solve...I don't feel encouraged to "be all I can be", to discover and explore possibilities, to change and become better at anything. I simply exist at work. Walk there, sit down and do my job, stare across the nursing station and into the hallway, answer the phones politely and direct people, transcribe orders and do paperwork, enter tests on auto-pilot, all the while hating it. Just fucking hating it.

I could do that job with my eyes closed. Except for the reading and writing part...which is actually a big never mind, I couldn't. What I mean is, it has become so tedious and predictable and I feel unhappy there.

People say, if you feel unhappy make the necessary changes to your life in order to find what you want to do, but I always come back to this--

One never has a job that they're completely happy with. Complaining about work seems to be a very common thing and perhaps I should be content with the fairly decent job that I currently have instead of bitching on about it.

And two, I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm lost in this world that is surrounding me, too consumed with this guy, too over wrought as I consider the unpredictable future, too obsessive compulsive about certain things, so fucking scared of stepping out. I hate hate hate this person I've allowed myself to become, comfortable but despising where I am. I used to be so brave and so ready to take on the world and now I've somehow become introverted and ridiculously tentative when it comes to making big changes.

Find what you love and do it. That's what people say and that's what I need to do... find something that I love and do it no matter what it takes to get there. I'm already twenty-six, I feel old when I get called "ma'am", time inexorably ticking by and I'm going to be left behind...

Snap out of it! Seize the day, take what you can, try something new, be all you can be, do one thing everyday that scares you, live on the edge...

Tell me what I can do to spur myself on...

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