Monday, 24 October 2011

worry & a year

There are always many pressing matters on the mind, but frustratingly enough I manage to push them away until the wee hours of the night where I find myself laying on my back, staring up at the ceiling and considering all that there is to be done and all I can do to ensure these things come to pass.  Mostly I find myself worrying about vague things that are beyond my scope or control, case in point:  whether the life I'm attempting to build with M is really what I should be doing.  How will I know what I should be doing until I try it?

Even though I don't put much stock in Gandhi and the philosophy/religious he emanated, I found wise words he once said earlier last week and have been turning them over in my mind and examining the merit and truth behind them. 

There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever. (Gandhi)

(As I say, I absolutely do not lean toward Gandhi's theology especially his completely non-violent approach to everything life could throw at him.  He stated once that the Jews should have stayed in Germany and should have accepted whatever Hitler did to them as a political statement of refusing to be oppressed.  News for you Mr. Gandhi:  even with all their running and hiding, millions upon millions died and how many more would have had they been pacifists?  There's a fine line between trusting God will take care of you and being an absolute prat.)

I like the quote though.  Maybe there just is a universal God and we all believe in the same one, although I don't think that's very likely as each of us seem to almost create who we believe God to be in our heads.  My parents say they draw their interpretation of who God is directly from the Bible, but so many Christians have different views of who they consider God to be, each saying they have drawn those views from the same Bible my parents read...who is right?  Is there a right?

These paragraphs aren't exactly flowing into each other smoothly;  I know that I fail to pull my thoughts into one coherent statement many times. 

I was just thinking how it's been almost a year since I went to a Halloween party at a friend's house and slept with a random person that I didn't know.  So much has passed since that night, so many lessons learned, so many bridges crossed and I'm supposed to consider that I am still the same Marcia that I have always been.  
The year where so much changed...the year of being 26, the year of massive leaps and bounds, a few steps falling back, a few moving forward...

If everything was meant to happen, do we truly make mistakes?  I have considered that choice a mistake this entire year but perhaps it was supposed to happen in order to bring me to where I am now.  I've learned so much since that experience and I consider my life and all that I have, feel immensely grateful and happy, and I know that I love the person I'm with.

I can't think of anything else to say.  I'm trying not to dwell on the negative, on the hurts because we're all hurt in some way... The future is what we have.  There is no looking back, only moving forward.


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