worry & a year

There are always many pressing matters on the mind, but frustratingly enough I manage to push them away until the wee hours of the night where I find myself laying on my back, staring up at the ceiling and considering all that there is to be done and all I can do to ensure these things come to pass.  Mostly I find myself worrying about vague things that are beyond my scope or control, case in point:  whether the life I'm attempting to build with M is really what I should be doing.  How will I know what I should be doing until I try it?

Even though I don't put much stock in Gandhi and the philosophy/religious he emanated, I found wise words he once said earlier last week and have been turning them over in my mind and examining the merit and truth behind them. 

There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever. (Gandhi)

(As I say, I absolutely do not lean toward Gandhi's theology especially his completely non-violent approach to everything life could throw at him.  He stated once that the Jews should have stayed in Germany and should have accepted whatever Hitler did to them as a political statement of refusing to be oppressed.  News for you Mr. Gandhi:  even with all their running and hiding, millions upon millions died and how many more would have had they been pacifists?  There's a fine line between trusting God will take care of you and being an absolute prat.)

I like the quote though.  Maybe there just is a universal God and we all believe in the same one, although I don't think that's very likely as each of us seem to almost create who we believe God to be in our heads.  My parents say they draw their interpretation of who God is directly from the Bible, but so many Christians have different views of who they consider God to be, each saying they have drawn those views from the same Bible my parents read...who is right?  Is there a right?

These paragraphs aren't exactly flowing into each other smoothly;  I know that I fail to pull my thoughts into one coherent statement many times. 

I was just thinking how it's been almost a year since I went to a Halloween party at a friend's house and slept with a random person that I didn't know.  So much has passed since that night, so many lessons learned, so many bridges crossed and I'm supposed to consider that I am still the same Marcia that I have always been.  
The year where so much changed...the year of being 26, the year of massive leaps and bounds, a few steps falling back, a few moving forward...
If everything was meant to happen, do we truly make mistakes?  I have considered that choice a mistake this entire year but perhaps it was supposed to happen in order to bring me to where I am now.  I've learned so much since that experience and I consider my life and all that I have, feel immensely grateful and happy, and I know that I love the person I'm with.

I can't think of anything else to say.  I'm trying not to dwell on the negative, on the hurts because we're all hurt in some way... The future is what we have.  There is no looking back, only moving forward.


 

Blind Dates

Today at work I had a sudden recollection of a blind date I went on a while ago. 
The opportunity presented itself to me in a message sent from a friend on Facebook.  Oh Facebook...it has introduced so many wonderful and terrible things into my life, blind dating being the latter. 

Anyway, she sent me this cryptic message simply saying, "Do you trust me?"  (By the way, if anyone ever asks you that, it's probably best to opt with "No, what do you want?".)  I replied naively with, "Of course!  What do you need?"  Honestly, I do trust and respect this woman so it wasn't a stretch for me to reply in that manner;  I was, however, surprised by her answer.

She told me she knew a guy who was a friend of her son's who had been looking for a relationship for a long time.  He had a good job, had his own place, was easy going and friendly...he seemed like a great person on paper.  She said that he was a bit shy and had been talking to them about how he was struggling to find someone he could connect with.  Suddenly, during their conversation, she was struck with enlightment!  In her mind she matched us up but at least had the courtesy to message me first on Facebook and ask if it would be okay so arrange a date.

I was a bit kerflummoxed by the message.  First off, I had just started to lose weight and become somewhat comfortable with how I looked, so it seemed a bit outrageous that anyone would consider me as possible girlfriend material.  Secondly, how well do these people really know?  They saw an aspect of me at church but Marcia as a whole person?  The girl who would go to the gym at 2 a.m. and run on the treadmill because she couldn't sleep and was lonely?  The girl who lived on chickpeas and tuna?   The girl who struggled to look at herself in the mirror? 

Did this friend really know me well enough off to arrange a match for me?  I'll admit though, I was somewhat excited.  The prospect around me were minimal...the guy pool at church has shrunk to...well...zero... I had the song "Matchmaker Matchmaker" run through my head on a loop and I envisioned what this guy might look like.  Tall?  Handsome?  Smart?  Funny?  There were so many possibilities! 

In my heart, I knew it wasn't the right time for a blind date.  I had fallen in love with someone else and I suppose in a way, I was pining for him.  As I ran on that treadmill, I imagined myself with this guy I had fallen for, because obviously he was the perfect guy for me and hopefully, eventually he had to come to his sense and realize that was the truth as well.  But in the meantime, I figured going on a blind date wouldn't hurt and who knows?  It would be best to leave all the options open... 


So here's what went down:  I agreed to the date, my friend sent him details about me and he was interested, so off we went.  My friend and her husband agreed to come along so we  wouldn't be left alone and they decided mini-golfing would be fun.  Let me add here that I don't really care for organized games such as bowling, mini-golfing, darts etc, but I went along with it gamely and rode with them in their car to the course. 

The first thing was that I wasn't attracted to him.  He wasn't ugly or hideous to any extent, but I wasn't drawn to him.  I have been sexually and physically attracted to people that aren't the standard good looking guys, but right off the cuff I knew I wasn't attracted to him at all.  However, I decided to give it a shot, smile and talked and we played our way through the course.  In retrospect, I enjoyed the mini-golfing aspect of the night which wasn't saying much.


He hardly said anything to me the whole time.  Perhaps he was so shy that he couldn't speak to me directly, but he made jokes with the husband and talked to my friend, ignored me the whole time except for a few words here and there.  The fortunate part was that the mini-golf kept us busy and the awkwardness was held at bay until we went to a Tim Hortons after and were forced to make conversation.  I asked all the leading questions in order to keep it flowing and he sat and played on his iPhone the entire time.  In fact, he decided it would be great to show us every single "cool" app that he had downloaded and was enthralled with fake lighter app that apparently is handy when you're at concerts.


It wasn't so much humiliating as a life lesson:  don't let people who aren't completely familiar with you attempt to match you up with someone.  I am glad that I went because I learned what I wanted from a significant other:  someone who isn't self-involved and has zero sense of humour.  I would never have considered those qualities necessary until I was put in above detailed situation.  Ahh, life is funny.  And by the way, I got over the guy that I had been pining for and completely forgot about the blind date during that time of healing.  I suppose the only reason the blind date came to mind was because when I was surfing apps on my android, I stumbled across a lighter app and the entire story was brought to mind... 


I'm also proud that I can look back and say, "I have been on a blind date".  How many people have done such an exciting and interesting thing?  There's this little saying on the side of the Lulu Lemon bags that says something like, "Do one thing everyday that frightens you" or something along those lines.  And I did.

Political Thoughts

It is easy to be an activist. It’s not very easy to be an effectivist and actually effect change. You have to do your research, find out problems and the actual solutions, and activate that in strategic ways. "Specific demands are more likely to corner decision makers and policymakers and force a response: 'Yes or no. are you going to do this?'” ~D. Conacher

It's almost impossible to read print or virtual media, listen to the radio or watch television without being made aware of the Occupy Wall Street protests that are gathering through North America.  I came into the knowledge of said protests when a Facebook friend "liked" Occupy Canada and I became curious as to what occupying Canada consists of.  After clicking on the link of their Facebook page and reading through their posts and info, it became apparent that the movement is doing exactly what the authors were hoping for:  creating a media awareness of the group and exposing the dichotomy of two very different mindsets.

The intention behind Occupy Canada is frustrating in it's vagueness.   Reading through news reports that quoted statements from varied individuals, some of the intentions became clear:  participants are protesting the fact that the rich are becoming richer and the poor are often struggling to pay their utility bills and feed their families.  Armine Yalnizya, senior economist for the Canadian Centre for Policy Alternatives states, "Canada's rich could make a difference.  Our governments should ask them to step up to the plate".
The complaints stated by protesters fall along the lines of:

-the government needs to force the rich to share the wealth
-the government needs to stop hoarding money
-the government needs to stop monopolizing the prices of hydro/fuel/necessities
-capitalism should be monitored
-there needs to be more equality in salaries
-salaries should be capped

Remove government regulations!  Enforce stricter government regulations!  Raise income tax on the wealthy!  Remove income tax completely!  Call CEOs and large corporations to task!  Remove corporations completely!  Dismantle the stock market (despite the fact that through stock markets and shares people are able to create business which in turn create more jobs?) and return to gold and silver!   Feed the poor and give them more money!   Destroy the government that feeds the poor and gives them money!


Most of the sentiments expressed are disturbingly socialist and communist in disposition.   No, I'm not going off an anti-communist tirade Frank Burns style, but I was surprised to stumble across this comment posted on CBC's article regarding Occupy Canada:

"The "Occupy Canada" Facebook page removed my comment overnight.
I said, "Capitalism (free enterprise) creates jobs. Socialism creates debt and taxes. God bless Canada."
I was expecting a lot of hostile comments but this (censorship) surprised me." ~AcePilot101

For a group that is calling our government to be more accountable and supposedly is transparent with their motives and requests, the censorship is disturbing, and even worse is the fact that no one will see that action as a warning sign.  Despite the fact that groups/organizations may claim to be above-board and honest with their dealings, the unfortunate tendency of human nature to be egoists and one-minded in their crusades for liberty, equality and freedom taints the utopia that they may be attempting to build.  Censoring opposing viewpoints or opinions seems like a remarkably similar tactic that these bleeding hearts are lobbying against.




The most important question that is presenting itself to us Ontarians is this:  where were this politically motivated people during the recently past provincial election?   The election saw a record low turn out of 49.2%.  There are, of course, multiple reasons experts are touting to explain the exceedingly low vote turnout, but the basic reason remains: indifference.  People are indifferent to the government, probably because they feel nothing they do will precipitate any real or lasting change.  The common refrain I heard was, "I don't know who to vote for" and "There aren't any candidates I support", incensing me as I believe it your civil duty to take ten minutes to educate yourself on what each party represents and to vote for whomever most closely epitomizes your ideals.  
Anarchy appears to be a common refrain among these people and they believe they are being repressed by police presence and the government.  Perhaps the people who support the belief system of removing all government systems and authorities need sit down and thoroughly read "A Tale of Two Cities" by Charles Dickens. 
Anarchy solves nothing and simply creates chaos and lawlessness;  anarchy is not the answer.  Yes, our judicial and legal system is poorly run, the law is executed sloppily, some policemen may be corrupt, but the fact is:  the government is not telling your average policeman to be corrupt--that is their own personal choice that they have made.  There is no tax credit given to those to abuse their power as a reward;  injustice, unfairness and prejudice exists in the hearts of men individually.




My poor boyfriend sat through a long winded rant last night which consisted of me expressing my disdain for those who take the time to participate in protests (such as Occupy Canada which has spurred the above quotation among other vast and varied media responses), but fail to make their ideals or "morals" an actuality in their day to day lives.   These activists want justice and equality in oblique and unspecific ways, but how do they activate equality and generosity in their own lives?  How many people take the time to practically combat poverty in their backyard on a day to day basis?   If you, as an individual, are supporting Occupy Canada and opposing the way our society and country is being operated fiscally, how are you activating positive changes around you in a real and tangible way?  How are you being an effectivist?




While I agree that CEOs are making exorbitant and undeserved amounts of money which in turn causes large deficits within corporations and leads to workers being laid off, I also don't expect them to give me any of their salary in order to make up for the inequality of it.  Yes, I can't afford to have my wisdom teeth removed right now because I don't have a benefits package or any financial leeway for the surgery, but I don't expect someone else to pay for me.
For those who believe there should be more money spent on social needs (i.e.: covering dental costs for those too poor to afford it), consider this:  someone has to pay.   The money to fund Ontario Works doesn't grow on a mysterious tree;  the common worker such as myself or my parents who pay income tax are the ones who fund Ontario Works.  Social reform and desire to see everyone treated equally is a lovely sentiment, but who will pay for all these things?   Should people who have spent their lives building companies and now live comfortably have to pay for the needs of others?  What is the practical answer to this conundrum?  There are complaints that sports athletes are ridiculously over paid...stop paying for tickets to see games and stop purchasing merchandise that supports them.  For those who complain about the outsourcing of companies...withdraw your business from that company and seek a Canadian based business that will support our economy.




Practically, the best way for you to support Canada and build toward a stronger economy is to promote "Made In Canada".  Purchase items that are built/created in Canada, support businesses that based in our country, choose to buy vegetables that are grown by our farmers... That is the best and most efficient way for you to accelerate our economy.  Instead of brandishing signs and sentiments that state how awful a country Canada is to live in, consider what you can do to make it a better place.  Embrace positive effectivity instead of campaigning negative attitudes that fail to manifest any useful ideas that may implement change.  Fight the injustices you see with love and kindness, not an intolerance for people with differing views.  If you truly believe that Canada is an awful place to live in, consider moving to a different country when you can find a strong social system;  certainly don't sit around spewing how diminishing, damaging and useless our country is while taking advantage of our health care and other social benefits.  Consider that the country you find so repugnant actually consists of your neighbours, friends, family, people you know and love, not simply a nefarious government that is scheming to destroy our freedoms and stamp out our inner flames. 




Canada does need to change in many ways.  We can move forward together and bring politicians, financial advisers, corporations and shareholders into accountability.  However, acting like spoiled little children who are unaware of how the country actually operates fiscally and economically is embarrassing for people participating in the protests and people watching them.  Establish a knowledge base of what you are opposing and what you specifically want to see change before you run into the streets waving your signs with self-righteous indignation burning in your hearts.




You are all sighing with relief that you aren't my boyfriend and don't have to sit through these rants on a daily basis.  Consider how you are being an effectivist on a daily basis, even in the smallest and most faithful of ways.
Love.

A Giving of Thanks

While slogging through a slow paced work day, I've had time to contemplate the past year and how drastically my things to be thankful for have changed.  Last year when my family went around the circle (as the tradition dictates) and each person shared at last one thing they are thankful for, I said,
"My apartment...my cat and dog...my boyfriend..."
I believe 2010's thanksgiving went more like,
"My cat and my family..."
Although I of course still am grateful for my family, especially my brothers and sisters, I found that the focus of my thankfulness was my boyfriend, even just the fact that I no longer feel so alone and lost.

As we lay on my bed and talked about the night we met (our nine month anniversary just passed), a few tears trailed down my cheeks and into the corners of my mouth.
"I was so lonely before I met you,"  I said to M, and I supposed that is really the thing I am most grateful for.  The fact that I have someone to talk to and to go home to after a long day of work. 

I woke up this morning and looked around the apartment before I headed out the door for work.  The plant he bought me was moved to the dining room table, the curtains blew in the breeze, the kitchen counter clean and scrubbed down thanks to him taking time to help clean...

We need to stop and consider all the things that we have in our lives that we take for granted.  I know I will be trying more and more to consider those things myself.

The way the heart changes, work & too much coffee!

I was reading a bit of "The Book Of Negroes" while at work today (fabulous read so far btw;  I shall review it soon) and read a couple paragraphs detailing an elderly slave who was thrown off of the ship due to his sick condition.  His wife who had lovingly been caring for him with tenderness in her touch and eyes, wailed and cried and over the course of the following week diminished greatly in health, only to be thrown over herself, joining her husband/partner in the ocean.

"In the next days, the woman's sadness was so great that nobody wanted to stand near her on the deck, or crouch beside her at the food bucket...After two more days, she was no longer moving.  She was carried out and thrown into the deep, the same as her man..."

As I read through those words, my stomach turned within me and I felt a sick twisting in my stomach that I have only experienced once before.  Empathy to the plight of all the Africans who were wrenched away from their homes and treated worse than live-stock, torn away from the people they loved and the culture they were familiar with...but even deeper than the empathy for them was a lingering realization that the wrenching sensation in my heart and stomach wasn't due to my horror from reading those words;  it came from my imagining M. being torn violently away from me, his spirit departing from his body, I left alone in the world without his warmth and comfort.

Even though I have known for months now that I love him deeply, love him through all the disagreements and fights, I have never truly considered how it would feel to lose him in such a final manner.  I have never known this love before, moving so deep within me like the roots of a willow tree, sustaining life and growth.  At times I feel restless because I fret and worry over what future we have together or whether I have what it takes to be in a functional relationship, but the truth that I face while considering these somewhat turbulent emotions is that my life has been ineffably changed by M. being in my life as a lover and friend...and I don't want to return to my life before him.

I had more thoughts to write but work has taken my inspiration and sucked it right out of me!  The only bright moment of the day was when a new resident started talking to me about a patient and it became apparent that I knew more about the patient's medical condition than their nurse did--which isn't saying much as their nurse today was extremely, ehm, silly.  Anyway, he asked me why I wasn't a nurse and I said I didn't like touching people I didn't know (especially sick people), to which he responded with, "What about a radiologist?"

I like it when random people talk to me for a few minutes and right away decide I'm smart enough to be a doctor.  Of course, we can all be whatever we want to be, or that's what we're told as children, but the reality of it is that we do have limitations and we learn quickly from life to build our dreams and plans around them.  That's all I can think about right now.  I had 2 cups of coffee today so my stomach is now in turmoil.  I feel the pressing need to go home, lay down and sleep for several hours without stirring.  These twelve hour shifts are exhausting, especially under these fluorescent lights. 

I feel old.