So here I go.
[April 14] I find that he gives me pure joy, and he knows that, he knows that he makes me smile, can make me laugh, and he's nervous, and shies away from me. He's afraid that I'll start caring for him, that I'll attach myself, and that he'll hurt me. I love that he is gentlemanly and that he wants to do the right thing. But I wish that he would smile and laugh with me, and not be a fraid. I know it....sometimes when we actually look, yes look at each other in the eyes, we blink and quickly look away, him always first. In those seconds of looking, I see into his soul, there's a brief open moment, an assessment of each other. And every single time I feel so very vulnerable and raw, but I could keep probing. He can't, or won't. He can get under my skin, open me up, make me feel vulnerable and awful, and yet make me smile, give me hope, quiet the voices, calm my head.
I hate vulnerability and hate having my doors open, letting people walk in, take what they want, ever afraid they will walk right out, back through those open doors, leave.
[April 9] So people who believe that there is no such thing as a future, that our existence is random, and that absolutes are an invention of society, are people who don't want to accept their meaningless existence. They devalue life in order to make their feelings about their self-value minimalized. Really, it's an attempt on their part to fool themselves...to escape the facts of their pithy existence. And that is so apparent, it's almost painful to consider. It's the white elephant in the room, the painfully obvious fact that who we are is a continual struggle for us. We constant fight to understand who we are, and will never get some of those answers.
I think at times we can be compared to birds in cages, moths trapped in lamps, butterflies caught in nets. We uselessly beat our wings in futile efforts to free ourselves...and our cages and entrapments may be vices, relationships, circumstances, thoughts, patterns, internal struggles, and cycles of violence or other occurrences.
[April 7] I feel at times overwhelmingly happy to be alive, and then at time, alone, frustrated, and overwhelmed period. So the vascillating to and fro is...well, makes the good time that much more wonderful I suppose. It's tiring though, because I feel as though I'm consistently examining myself when I need to "let it be" (thank you Beatles).
[March 23] So it's odd how you really don't forget people. Someone or something always brings them to mind. It's usually some external force. Someone else who is reminding you, or an event that triggers some memory.