Science Fiction vs. Fantasy and Life Lessons

I've always wondered what the definable difference between science fiction and fantasy is.

Growing up all I knew was that Star Wars was sci-fi and Lord Of The Rings was fantasy. I could never figure out what made the difference between those two, but I guessed it had something to do with the fact that sci-fi generally seemed more about technically propelled concepts and ideas like space ships, holograms, robots, droids and other such things. Now that I think about it, if that's the way I define sci-fi, the James Bond series definitely has some sci-fi elements to it. A car that can completely cloak itself? I don't believe such a thing exists...

So I decided while bored at work tonight to Google what people considered sci-fi and fantasy. I found this quote:

Science fiction consists of improbable possibilities, fantasy of plausible impossibilities.

*boom* Brain explodes and rains down all over my desk and keyboard. I'm not very good at understanding technical discussions.

An easier explanation of it:

Science fiction and fantasy stories are make-believe tales. Fantasy stories are unlikely tales that have strange or imagined characters, places, or events. Science fiction stories are about life in the future or life on other planets.

Ahhhh. *relieved sigh* My brain cells trickle back into my head.
That's the difference between sci-fi and fantasy that I inherently understood but was unable to place my finger on. James Bond is probably considered to be in the "action" genre, with elements of sci-fi peppered through it. I've noticed that the most recent movies with Daniel Craig (*drool*) have more probable gadgets given to him. Nothing as outlandish (or interesting) as some of the devices used in the older movies.

And of course, I cannot mention Daniel Craig without an little homage to him:

Thank God for beautiful people. I mean, we're all fairly beautiful in unique and special ways, but he really does WIN.

Speaking of "winning"...how messed has Charlie Sheen been lately? Is it all a game to woo publicity and get the attention of the world? Or is he actually suffering through some schizophrenic-like issues? Whatever the case may be, a Charlie Sheen reality show will probably end up gracing our tv sets as we continue to obsess and track every move of celebrities that we love to hate and hate to love. And dammit, I'm talking about Charlie Sheen! This is exactly what he wants! I told myself I wasn't going to sink to this level...

I've gone way off the beaten track. My thoughts about sci-fi vs. fantasy began when I started making a list of favourite sci-fi movies. So here it is:

• Minority Report
• Equilibrium
• X-Men
• Signs
• I, Robot
• The Island
• Serenity
• War Of The Worlds
• V For Vendetta
• Cloverfield
• Inception
• Watchmen

My friend contested X-Men, questioning it's validity as a sci-fi movie which is what prompted the discussion and research into what really makes a movie science fiction.

Considering the list, I realize that some of my favourite movie quotes are from the movies listed above.

"You have a choice." -Minority Report

"But I, being poor, have only my dreams. I have spread my dreams under your feet; tread softly, for you tread on my dreams." -Equilibrium

"You're waiting for a train. A train that will take you far away. You know where you hope the train will take you, but you can't be sure. But it doesn't matter because we'll be together." -Inception

"I live my life free of compromise, and step into the shadows without complaint or regret." - Watchmen

" No. Not even in the face of Armageddon. Never compromise." - Watchmen

I could go on and on, but I'll leave it there. When you think about it, it's strange and intriguing that movie which focus on a futuristic existence still manage to strike a chord in the human psyche and heart. Whether we're living in a bubble or shifting through time or having a robot make us breakfast, we're all the same underneath. Our human characteristics, attributes, flaws...they're reflected even in the "improbable possibilities".

I like that concept. I like that our humanity chases us down, no matter how robotic or inhuman we might visualize our world to be or even hope for.

What I like even more than contemplating feelings and emotions is waking up to sunshine trying to force it's way past my black curtains into my room. A little breeze moves the curtains around and he stirs beside me in bed, rolling over and putting his arms around me. There is such security and comfort in him being there, in his kisses and little endearments, and he patiently reassures my fearful heart that he will be back the next night and the weekend after, the following weekend and even the weekend after that.

"I'm not leaving you," he says and kisses me gently. I look into his eyes and see honesty and love...love that is overwhelming and undeserved, love that startles me to tears so frequently and that scares me. What ifs can crowd my mind and leave me concerned that I'll be reckless and hurt him, that I'll bore him, that one of us will love more than the other, that I'll ultimately disappoint him somehow...

Fear is always lurking but it's wrong and I'm slowly learning to challenge it.

"Do not be afraid of death...be afraid of the unlived life..."

Reflections

Today is the first day back at work after being off for four days. My anxiety level is not high, but there is always that knowledge at the back of my brain, that I could at any minute just freak out. When I think about it though, I realize...I work in a hospital. Even if I had some sort of medical emergency, what's the worst that could happen? My co-workers would run me down to the ER, or call a Code Blue if it was a crisis situation. There's nothing that could happen that would be completely uncontrollable.

It's somehow calming, to think that despite the most extreme circumstances, I'd be okay. I'd be salvageable, and there ultimately is nothing for me to get worked up about. But somehow, the brain is a tricky and funny thing, and when sleep deprived, it doesn't work logically. Everything becomes convoluted and confused; that's when the freaking out starts. Somehow, I have to find a way to get ahead of that, to reassure myself that I'm not dying from some mysterious illness the doctors will never catch, and I'm not slowly going mentally insane.

This is the sum of all things: I live in fear. The list of things I am afraid of is endless: death, disease, loneliness, someone breaking into my apartment, making a fool of myself, peeing myself in public, dying alone, rejection, being ugly, never having sex, getting fat again, and so on. The list is endless and ridiculous.

But the fear has affected my life deeply. I'm all out of motivation to do anything, like go for a run, or clean my apartment, or hang out with friends. I feel as though I am dragging myself through life, instead of joyfully living it.

There has to be a way to discover how to live without fear of the future and fear of consequences. I should be able to take what I want without looking constantly over my shoulder. If I want to fuck this guy, I should just tell him that, instead of worrying about what he'll think or what my chances are. Odds are, once he's drunk, he'll say yes, and if not, I'll move on to someone else.

So there is no reason for me to live on the edge of my seat, afraid of getting up and walking away, but too discomfited to lean back and enjoy. Perched up here, I feel dizzy and alone. It's just...somehow finding the answer to the worrying and anxiety... that is the rub.

It's strange how much I seek the approval from people around me. The fact that this guy still hasn't replied to my message worries me. It almost distresses me. Does he find me strange? Creepy? Do my co-workers find me lazy and useless? Will my parents ever really approve of me and the choices I have made?

For some reason there's a doctor that felt she had to chart right beside me. We're literally maybe a foot and a half apart, and I definitely feel as though she is infringing on my personal space. But that's the way life is. We have people that consider it normal to sit wherever they want before checking with the proprietor, just like people who take over your heart and mind without making sure you can handle their existence in your life. Then when they disappear, it's like a single candle has been blown out and you are sitting in darkness.

You never really wanted them in the first place, but now that they are gone, there is a noticeable difference in your life. It's odd how that just happens...how all of a sudden, without any warning, people just kinda POP into your life, and you can't imagine what it would be like without that moment of meeting them. They directly impact you and affect the choices that you make, and then it happens...they fall right back out of it, disappear back into their own lives, and you're expected to carry on as though nothing life altering happened to you.

It's just an example of how much someone can mean to you, and how little you can mean to them. OR, how much a situation or occurrence can mean to you, and how little it can mean to the other person, as it just very well might be an every day situation for them. And that's why people are so frustrating...because there is a disconnect, and we're not all on the same glorious page, just miles apart without any connection, other than a multitude of passionate kisses that make your skin goose bump weeks after the moment.

More on LOVE!

My coworker just blithely informed me that she is "in love" with the newest man in her life. Let me break the scenario down for you... She's a thick, white girl--ahem, gurrlllll *snap snap snap*--and I have never met anyone like her before...she chases the brothers, shaking her booty at reggae and Trini (Trinidadian) clubs and bars, wanders around the floor humming Usher or Akon, and talks in strange slang that I find fascinating and confusing. During Caribbana she stripped down to a bikini top and bottom, along with a giant and feathery head piece, and pranced down Yonge to steel drums and much foofah. "H" is energetic and happy, always flitting from one thing to another, telling me wild and crazy stories about her nights out on the town or a flirtatious moment with a bartender or waiter.

Anyway, her last relationship lasted a couple months and was more on and off than my bedroom light switch. She vacillated between being angry at the man for being emotionally unavailable, and then reached heady peaks of pleasure and happiness. They just, like, got each other, know what I mean?

But after the relationship crashed and burned, here she is, once again throwing herself whole-heartedly, with reckless abandonment, into another man, already convinced after three or four weeks that they are in love and he can do no wrong. He's a Jamaican who will be unable to stay in Canada permanently, and God help me, I find myself skeptical (at best) about his motives. But she's in loooveeeee and it's the real thing!

What's the point of this rambling?

How does this woman recover so quickly from each relationship and bounce on with such vivacity to the next and the next and the next? I spend hours sobbing and watching P.S.: I Love You and The Notebook, journalling dark thoughts and ideas into my tear stained diary, listening to Damien Rice and John Mayer (doo dee doo I'm perfectly lonely, cos I don't belong to anyone and nobody belongs to me dum dee dum), and either binge eating or starving. There is no half hearted loving for me and the drop to rock bottom shatters me every time (Oh yeah, John Mayer has a plaintive lyric for that as well: how come the only way to know how high you get me is to see how far I fall?)

Even as I write this and think deeply about the human heart and our capacity to love, I find myself conflicted internally. For "H" I feel happy, jealous, doubtful, cautious, afraid, pleased, disbelieving... As history has proven over and over...all will go superbly well for maybe a few months, and inevitably things will slowly take their wear and tear, and ultimately fall apart.

I ask, how does one pick themselves back up after another broken relationship, and cheerfully start all over again with optimism and hope that this could be The One? How do you just move on from being so close to another human--physically and emotionally intimate in every manner? When it seems as though the entire world is rushing past you in a frenzy of love and energy, when you feel frozen in one spot, unable to move forward and desperately wanting to move backward and just get another, just one more chance to fix things...how do you step out from that place and join the living again? And more importantly--how do you embrace the next relationship knowing that it might be your destruction...again?

We do what humans do best: rebuild. We start from the base up with ourselves, attempting to clear out the rubble of the past. We find the tenacity to start all over because it's what people do. History screams out that truth. London was raided and rebuilt seventy-one times in less than a year during the Battle of Britain, the English spurred on by multitudes of inspirational speeches from Churchill (We shall fight on the seas and oceans...we shall fight on the beaches...we shall never surrender...), so we clear away the ruins like the English did time and time again. We try to restore our faith and hope, and sometimes when we're so hurt, we have to dig deep for the person we were before the storm. We soldier on, we press forward, we accept the grief and dwell on Tennyson's wise words: better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

What alternative do we have? Close ourselves off from the beauty of loving someone? Hide from relationships, fear of pain pushing us away from people? Bury your heart deep down so it can never be broken? Do we attempt to maintain space, between our hearts and people, in order to save ourselves from falling into love, and often past it into the abyss of brokenness?

There are two things that I cannot escape:

Love can be painful. People are going to hurt me, and I'm going to hurt someone. We're not perfect, we never will be, and we have accept that our relationships will be imperfect to some extent. The loving husband and wife who never raise their voices on tv are not realistic. We disagree, we fight, we argue, we debate--differing opinions, varied emotions is what makes people so interesting and unique. I look at marriages around me that are twenty odd years strong, and I still see flaws and imperfections, but I also see a deep love and commitment that has lasted through time and through the petty fights and squabbles. Love isn't always glorious, poetry inspiring, and wonderful. Love is what sees you to the end.

"Love" isn't always love. We can be infatuated with someone and barely know them! We can think that the dreamy guy who can play the guitar and sing is meant for us, OMG, but how do you know for sure? What am I basing my feelings of "love" on? I've learned the hard way how hurtful it can be to awaken feelings of "love" that were not real and were not lasting. Guard your heart and don't give it away freely to anyone who has a nice smile and a witty overture.

"H" interrupts my reverie. "We need a WalMart greeter here," she says, referring to the constant stream of visitors that somehow manage to get completely turned around and require redirection. They come to my desk looking for so-and-so on cardiology and insistently reiterate, "It's on the FOURTH floor! This IS the fourth floor! We took the elevators to the FOURTH floor."

Yes, yes you did...just, the wrong fourth floor. You got off on the right floor...in the wrong building, and it feels like there's some significance to that predicament, as if we charge into things with the best intentions, but sometimes the timing is off or it's not the right person, and we're as turned around and bewildered as the purple-haired elderly woman who struggles to understand how there is five different wings within one building. She pushes her walker slowly down the hall, determined to make it to her friend/lover/family, and we forge ahead needing to believe that it will all work out and we will make it somehow, the pieces glued together by faith or desperation to be loved.

I hope "H" has a long lasting and successful relationship...I hope that all those feelings she is experiencing, and that she joyfully shared with me, stay. I'm glad she still has the courage to give herself over and surrender to joy and pain of love. I pray you do too.

Ramblings

It's funny--no, not "haha" funny, "strange" funny--how we all have life stories that could be created into movies or novels, and how we all have survived some epic emotional relationship or moment that turns us into people we might not recognize.

Struggling through some tumultuous and overwhelming emotions lately, I came to that realization...that we all barely make it through some things that life throws at us. I can feel that I'm the only lonely girl in the world trying to make sense of, well, everything, but nothing could be further from the truth.

There are millions of lonely girls (and boys) who feel the exact same way as I do, but instead of opening ourselves up to each other and attempting to reach each other exactly where we at, we withdraw further into ourselves and find ourselves even lonelier than before.

How do you change and break the cycle of loneliness and self pity? At what point do you decide that enough is enough, and that you aren't living your life fully and joyfully?

...still waiting for answer...


-Marcia

Each new day

My eyes have sun spots in front of them, but it was worth it.

I got up from my desk and walked over to a window at the end of the unit. The sun is sliding down the sky, determined to rise on the other side of the world. Apartment buildings were silhouettes in front of the giant orange ball. Red, orange, pink colours bleeding from it as it moved slowly out of sight, and thirty-five (give to take a few) giant blue recycling containers crowded about in the garbage area five floors down.

Outside people were walking by with seeming intent, bent on making their way to a certain place by a specific time, and no one could see the beautiful sky above from their positions far below.

The constant exchange of day and night is unstoppable, a force we don't often think about. As the sun rises and falls, another day is gone, and we leave behind all our regrets, our mistakes, our passions, and the choices we have made. Each morning brings a new chance to start all over again and be the person we deeply long to be.

Seize the moment, squeeze and own it, as Eminem so wisely advises.

Just Two Things

There are two things that I am doing wrong right now (and for the past few days) and it annoys me that I haven't changed the situation yet.

1) Spending too much money on clothes and various items!! What happened to my plan of saving money instead of living pay cheque to pay cheque?? This is just getting ridiculous!! Did I really need to buy two dresses from Fairweathers? A romper from Old Navy? An overpriced knapsack from Sportchek? Pfft no! What am I doing wrong here? The answer is: bored shopping. Instead of going to the gym (no clean gym clothes is my excuse), I'm going to the malls midday during boring hours and spending money!! I can't simply browse; I HAVE to buy. The problem is--what else am I supposed to do? I feel as though I have nothing else to do at this point. Read a book? I've read tons. Watch a tv show/movie? Boring, done that too much lately. Weave a friendship bracelet? That's so summer 2009.

2) Lack of exercise. Last week I kicked cardio ass! I worked out 4 days, did tons of weights, pounded back the protein smoothies, and generally acted like a 'roid-bot. This week? Other than the daily walk to and from work, I've done zip extra cardio! No weights...no cardio...nothing. Blegh...in my mind: lack of exercise = fat. It's intrinsically connected.

I currently have a very good-looking doctor leaning against a counter right in front of me at the nursing station. In fact, he's only three feet away, studiously writing notes about a newly admitted patient, casually dressed in greens and an open sweater, stethoscope hanging about his neck.

When you think about it though, people are just people, and skin is just skin, stretching out and covering our bones, muscles, tendons, veins, arteries, organs, fat, and so on. Just by chance, some people happen to have a more pleasant looking bone structure or facial features. We're still all people, regardless of what lot in life has fallen to us.

Sometimes I can think calmly and philosophically like so, accepting the fact that we all look different, and it's our differences that make us so unique and interesting. Who cares if we don't all look like the stereotypical plucked and made up Hollywood star? We are who we are, and the sooner we accept our bodies, the happier we will be.

However, on the other hand, at times--most of the time, to be honest--I struggle with accepting how I look, and believe that because I don't like the way I look, no one else ever can or ever will. It affects how I respond to people how around me, and how some of my relationships are carried out.

People are constantly lecturing me (and others, I am certain) that I must be comfortable in my own skin before anyone can find me attractive...but if I don't find myself attractive, how could I expect anyone else to?

It's a conundrum, but I am completely sure about this: no one can completely and essentially make you feel good about yourself. Relationships might temporarily fill us up and make us feel wanted or beautiful, but what happens if that other persons moves on for someone else? How devastating that is to our self worth and self esteem.

The trick is to find joy and happiness and contentment in who we are, and to accept that who we are is who we will be for the rest of our lives. I believe that sooner we accept that, the quicker we can live our lives to maximum potential, instead of caging ourselves in, or putting ourselves into boxes.

The hot doctor is long gone, perhaps home to his wife (noted platinum wedding ring on left hand), but I'm still here, being Marcia, and being her the best way I know how. I might not completely accept myself, and I might want to change in order to live healthier, but I can't change to please other people, and slowly I am beginning to accept that.

Cheers.

Life Is Unexpected.

It does not take the twists and turns that we anticipate.

Our well crafted and intrinsic plans are more than often dispensed with.

It's impossible to predict the choices we will make in the future, impossible to predict where we will end up.

In our minds we have preconceived notions that things are going to be a certain way, and when those notions are thrown out the window, we are surprised and sometimes hurt that things did not go the way we thought they would.

The unexpected can be wonderful and challenging, but it can also leave feelings of remorse and sadness that we have not made the best of life, but built who we are around how we think we should be.

What if we could predict our futures? What if we could see the paths life will lead us down, tricky and twisty, through valleys and mountains?

Would that make living easier? Would it detract from the fun of life? Would being unsurprised help us cope with life better?

If you're struggling with understanding why your life has taken to the place where you are now, be comforted--as I am--by this beautiful passage:

O Lord, You have searched me and You know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
Your perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down:
You are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue You know it completely, O Lord.
Ps. 139:1-4

Oh the frustration

Probably the most frustrating thing you will experience in your life is owning a car.

Sure, your kids will drive you crazy with all their questions and antics, especially when you're tired and needing the couch more than anything.

Your dog might drive you crazy when he pees on the rug, chews your favourite black leather shoes, and digs meteor-sized craters in your freshly sod lawn.

Your boss might drive you crazy when he asks you to do a job you've already completed, or when she appears to do less work than you and still gets paid more.

And guaranteed, your significant other will inevitably drive you crazy with their little quirks and often times annoying habits that may irk you more than necessary.

But the most frustrating thing, yes the situation that will drive you crazy more than anything else is your car.

Hear me out.
We sink thousands of dollars into vehicles. We treat them with care, changing their oil, fueling up, washing, polishing, and spending money to keep them running smoothly.

And yet, for no good reason, despite our attempts to drive clean, to economize and have a smaller car, to be environment friendly and carpool...our cars misbehave, and we just can't understand it.

I can't look at my car and diagnose the problem. I can't talk to it and try to understand what it's feeling. Unlike humans, I can't suss out the problem through trial and error, fighting and tears.

In some ways, cars are like people that we are in relationships with.

It's an endless struggle to understand them. We fight for them, pour time and energy into them, and wait for them because we know that they are worth it. But often times, they can't reciprocate how much we've given to them, and that's when The Question is raised.

Is it worth it? Is the vehicle worth it?

Is that person worth it? Are the tears worth it?

Needless to say, it's difficult to chart what our reactions should be. It's impossible to apply the same solution to each problem.

For the car problem--check it in. Take your ride to the repair shop and get it diagnosed.

To the problems of the heart--bear it. Sadness is a much a part of life as joy and happiness, and it will come regardless of the choices we make.

Living Life

There isn't much to life at times, or so it seems.

If you break it down, all you have are bits and pieces of memories that make you smile and laugh, hurts and scars that you have carried for many years, and scattered thoughts that can frustrate, or fill with inexplicable joy.

We cling with an odd stubbornness to material things that represent something to us, and yet, letting them go, and releasing them into God's hands, we discover freedom. In releasing, we become released ourselves.

At any rate, perhaps the biggest mistakes that I make in life are building up life to be this giant, complex, puzzle that must be solved in order to live life fully.

Perhaps I should simply allow myself to live without constantly wondering what life means, whether I'm living as I should, and what I can change to enjoy it more.

Life doesn't have to be answers to questions...the questions themselves are life. It's accepting that, that makes the difference.

Forgiveness, moving along the roads that life leads us down, and allowing others to continue down their path of life...that's moving forward, that's living. That's life.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.
-Phillip Yancey

There's one thing sure about life, if nothing else..

There will always be people who will misunderstand you and inevitably hurt you.

You will also hurt people, intentionally or not.

This happens because we're humans. We're not perfect beings. We stumble and fall, make mistakes, and muddle our way through life.

All that television and movies does for us is open up this window, and looking in you see a perfect world, with people who look perfect, who are lovable in character, who we can identify with.

Why can't we make it our mission to identify with actual people who surround us, who we relate to on a daily basis?

Why is it so hard to connect with people? Is it our own fears, or is it because we believe they would not like it?

Truth be told, life is all about relationships, and when we lack or even possibly fail at them, we feel that void, we feel that life isn't worth living -- at least, for the moment,

Anyway...it's easy to get caught up in this sadness that life isn't the way we envisioned it would be.

But what we really should be doing is living our lives as fully and completely as we can.

It doesn't get much better than this.

Oh the weather outside is frightful...

To quote that old song, the weather outside is frightful, but not because of snow or high winds, gales, storms, or ice. Rather, the polar opposite. This oppressive heat and humidity is malingering, and is a constant and unwelcome reminder of what this summer presents. Hot, hazy days with a laziness that comes with the desire to avoid perspiring at all costs. You trudge down the sidewalk in the most defeated manner, the heat wearing you out. Our summers make all the simple things much harder to do. I believe the southern states in USA had the right idea when afternoon naps were a daily ritual. Avoid the heat, stay inside with the blinds and curtains drawn, and get up when it's cooler out. Pure genius.

I was reminded again today of how inconstant life can be at times.
It seems to me that at this point in time, our family that has been so close (albeit at times slightly dysfunctional) will be facing great divides.
One brother will be leaving at the end of June to begin his foray into military intelligence.
One sister will be tentatively moving to Asia in the next couple months to enter into her career there.
One brother will be taking a plane to a new job which will last a year.
Time will inevitably split us apart, taking us to new destinations, places where we are meant to build our lives, away from the home that we've had for several years now.
And as my parents face the decisions they must make over what to do with a house made for 10+ people, it comes to me in a sweeping realization that the time is looming for many of us to spread our wings and fly out into the world.
The difficulty is, we've been taught to rely on our parents and to remain close to home, garnering their respect and assurances on the choices we have made in our lives. Will it not be quite difficult to move from being controlled so much, to having to self-control?
This is a collective freakout, from the life and times of a controlled child.
How will this child who has been taught to cling to the traditional family and to depend on parents for daily decisions, how will she learn to make the decisions for herself, to live apart from the people who have held her so close?

I'm just saying...
The tighter you hold on to people, the harder it is to let go, and the harder it is to be released.

*The Reality of Loneliness/Onset of Life

The fact is, the more you think about it, the more you come to the all-consuming realization that life is about relationships, life is about people, and without those two core ingredients, we feel lonely, unhappy, and depressed. You can't be completely isolated and alone, and be happy. We always need to hear the opinions, thoughts, and feelings of our fellow man, and in turn share our innermost ideas and emotions to someone.

So what do you do when you have no one to talk to, when you feel you cannot trust anyone, when you face the grim prospect of a lonely life?

What happens when you walk everyday the same trail, looking down the tarmac to the stretched out walkway, I wonder often if I will everyday walk that way alone. When will the time come for me to walk with someone, and will I make to that time?

The onset of life is this--you cannot stop time, and it marches on with a frightening consistency, stopping for no man or beast, marching to the beat of it's own drum. Our whole lives revolve around time--minutes, weeks, years, months, and often we wake up and realize that years have gone by, and we don't feel alive.

It's amazing to think of the ability to be outside of time, so that we cannot age, cannot grow old, live eternally. The fountain of youth is a much desired and yearned for myth, for eternity is safer to some people than death.

But if you live your life fully, with honesty, always attempting to do your best, you will come to the end of your life and not be afraid to leave it, but rather, excited to move on to the next venture.

Behold! We are not bound forever to the circles of this life, and beyond them are more than memories.
-Aragorn to Arwyn

At The End Of It All

There is literally a sense of death hanging in the air, surrounding the nurses station and the main hall, as a patient in her mid-50s approaches the imminent end of her life. We speak in hushed tones, and the laughter from visitors seems indecent. There is a propriety, and a respect that permeates all we do. Although the medical staff is calloused by the repetition of death, a code exists, that requires us to behave a very specific way.

The young daughter who sleeps in the hospital room on a cot, the grieving husband, the trickling of family/visitors through the always open door lends to the closure, the ending of life as they know it. Even more unbelievable is attempting to wrap your mind around the fact that you will soon die.

You lay in bed, too weak and in pain to move, soaking in the faces of the family, people you love, knowing that in perhaps in the next minute, the next hour, that night, or the next day, you will draw your last breath. The waiting is probably the most agonizing thing, waiting for death to come, waiting for nothingness.

How do you do it? How do you face each hour knowing it could be your last?

What would you do with the time you have left? How would you make it?

How would you suppress the rising panic that you are leaving things undone?

How can you be sure that you will leave the people you love cared for?

You can see how death is meant to come with old age.
You are prepared, you have lived a full life, and you have matured and grown wise.
As the years past you prepare yourself (perhaps subconsciously to some extent) for death.
You prepare financially, emotionally, physically, and mentally.

But what happens when you're young, when three weeks ago you were up and walking about and now are confined to bed rest? What do you do when you aren't ready to leave this world?

This may be so cliched and overused but really, the only advice I can give about be prepared for your end is live your life fully! Don't regret not saying things you should have, not trying new things, not tasting life completely. Don't live your life afraid of making mistakes. Get out there and just be.

Do not fear death, but rather the unlived life.
-Tuck Everlasting.

Love

It would appear that Sunday was a day to learn about love...again.

It all started on Sunday morning with the statement from P. Mills - "Love trumps all". I know it's such a simple statement, probably made thousands of times before, but the clarity and truth of it rang clearer to me than ever before. Love does trump all, and all that we need to learn from life is how to love people wholly and unselfishly. You may think the Beatles were exaggerating when they said "All you need is love", but in reality, it is true. Love is the fundamental core of life. If we could all learn to love a bit more, love someone other than ourselves, we would change the course of the world. I truly believe that with all my heart.

So, Sunday morning began with a much needed reminder of love, and Sunday night followed with another gentle reminder of how our love should be activated in our lives. And here are some characteristics of true love--

Generous. Marked as sacrifice.
Active. Backed up by actions.
Sincere. Open-hearted, doesn't use people.
Sensitive. Tactful; knows what to say and when.
United. Works to take down walls.
Edifying. Seeks to build others up.

See, none of us can say with surety that the love we demonstrate in our lives is characterized by those attributes. In fact, I would hazard a guess that many of us do not even understand what true love is.

There are people who don't understand true love because they have another definition of it.
There are people who don't understand true love because they have never experienced it.
There are people who don't understand true love because they have denied it's existence.
There are people who don't understand true love because they have never understood it.

There will always be people who won't believe, who won't understand, who'll deny the truth.

The fact is, we all need love, we all need it in it's purest form.
We need to give it, and need to allow ourselves to receive it.

Here's what I did.
I lay on my bed, the wind blowing in through my wide-open window, the curtains tossing and dancing in the wind, sunshine dappling the walls and bed.
I lay there and thought about life, and how wonderful it can be.
It's such a juxtaposition between good and bad, but the bad times make me love the beautiful and good moments that much more.

Basically, my thoughts on love (and life) can be summed up as so--
I need to start searching, probing, being honest with the love I choose to give and allow myself to receive.
Is my love growing people, am I sacrificing myself for others? Do I value other people as much as I value myself?
Never, never be content with where you are. Strive, reach, strain, stretch to be more. Build your character, grow yourself, open your heart, believe.

"He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world."

many different things.

Procrastination brings you nowhere in life. It may give temporary respite, but at the back of your mind, there nags the knowledge that something is undone, something is lacking, something needs/requires completion. I believe this is something you learn with maturity...that putting things off can only be done for so long, and you may as well just start and complete what is necessary.





There is nothing more relaxing and relieving to do, than drive at night with the windows rolled down, music playing, and wind blowing through your car. The darkness brings a calm and quiet to the city, and the roads are clear. It seems with the clearing of the roads, my mind clears, and clouds roll away. It puts life into perspective for me. I find that things which were so important and pressing disappear, my mind becoming light and free.





Some people told me that I was "intense", needed to "lighten up", and was "too much at times". I want to know why people say that, why people think that. They believe I get upset easily, they believe it's easy to rile me, when it isn't. Not many things that people do bother me. I feel hurt when people who say they are my friends discount how I feel, making me feel as though my opinion is incorrect/doesn't matter...but I don't get angry. I suppose I mostly feel disappointed.


Anyway, the point is...what causes people to think that I'm "intense"? Is it my absolute black-and-white, right-and-wrong, good-and-bad, thinking? Is it because I firmly hold fast to absolute truths? Is my emotional display too intense? Do I feel too strongly about things? Do I treat life too seriously? Should I lighten up?


Should I-attempt-to change my character because people feel that way? Is it possible to change who I am that much?


I don't believe it possible to change that characteristic about me. It's as inherent to my personality as breathing/beating hearts are to living things. No, I am who I am. I shouldn't have to make excuses or minimalize how I feel in order to make sure other people feel comfortable. If people don't like how I am, who I am, they need move on, leave. I can't be friends with people who can't accept me as a person.


That is all for now.

In fear of.

I thought about this today as I sat outside in the sunshine with my friend, enjoying the warm breeze whipping my hair about, cooling off the entire city as it settles down for another night.

We said jokingly, "We should just leave work and go out to enjoy the weather", both of us knowing that we would never do such a thing. We're too responsible to walk off of our jobs and take a night off.

It got me to thinking... Maybe I live too much in fear. Then I started thinking of all the things I am afraid of.

I'm afraid of not excelling at my job to my coworkers standards, so I work hard, frequently skip breaks, and never ask for time off, so that people will see I can handle the job requirements. I would never call in sick unless I was actually sick. I would never walk off of a shift.

I'm afraid of what people will think of my opinions, so I try to keep them to myself. People I don't really know, people I barely talk to, I can be more open with than people I find myself close to.

I'm afraid of my health and possible sickness that can be contracted by working at the hospital.

I'm afraid of the future, that it will hold things I cannot handle, that life may be too difficult for me to maneuver through.

Fear seems to be the guiding light in my life. I live afraid of consequences. I won't do anything impetuously because the results could be too disastrous for me.

It leads me to wonder if this is really life. Is it life to be constantly wondering and worrying about what could happen? Can I move beyond fear and live fully and completely, without obsessing over what other people think about me?

I look with great envy on those people who are lassez-faire, who can live without concerns and worries, who appear to be unweighted with cares of the world. They welcome change with open arms, and do not trouble themselves about what could be, but live in what is.

Yes, living in fear make keep you focused on the road ahead, but it leads to an unsettled and troubled existence.

____


But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
-W. Yeats

Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity;
but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible.
-T.E. Lawrence

I Would Like

to meander my way through a post, without any sense of direction, and without intentionally attempting to get one point across to you, the reader. I would like to start here and finish there, making no sense in between, just filling the spaces with words and sentences that may only make sense to my mind.

So here I go.

[April 14] I find that he gives me pure joy, and he knows that, he knows that he makes me smile, can make me laugh, and he's nervous, and shies away from me. He's afraid that I'll start caring for him, that I'll attach myself, and that he'll hurt me. I love that he is gentlemanly and that he wants to do the right thing. But I wish that he would smile and laugh with me, and not be a fraid. I know it....sometimes when we actually look, yes look at each other in the eyes, we blink and quickly look away, him always first. In those seconds of looking, I see into his soul, there's a brief open moment, an assessment of each other. And every single time I feel so very vulnerable and raw, but I could keep probing. He can't, or won't. He can get under my skin, open me up, make me feel vulnerable and awful, and yet make me smile, give me hope, quiet the voices, calm my head.
I hate vulnerability and hate having my doors open, letting people walk in, take what they want, ever afraid they will walk right out, back through those open doors, leave.

[April 9] So people who believe that there is no such thing as a future, that our existence is random, and that absolutes are an invention of society, are people who don't want to accept their meaningless existence. They devalue life in order to make their feelings about their self-value minimalized. Really, it's an attempt on their part to fool themselves...to escape the facts of their pithy existence. And that is so apparent, it's almost painful to consider. It's the white elephant in the room, the painfully obvious fact that who we are is a continual struggle for us. We constant fight to understand who we are, and will never get some of those answers.
I think at times we can be compared to birds in cages, moths trapped in lamps, butterflies caught in nets. We uselessly beat our wings in futile efforts to free ourselves...and our cages and entrapments may be vices, relationships, circumstances, thoughts, patterns, internal struggles, and cycles of violence or other occurrences.

[April 7] I feel at times overwhelmingly happy to be alive, and then at time, alone, frustrated, and overwhelmed period. So the vascillating to and fro is...well, makes the good time that much more wonderful I suppose. It's tiring though, because I feel as though I'm consistently examining myself when I need to "let it be" (thank you Beatles).

[March 23] So it's odd how you really don't forget people. Someone or something always brings them to mind. It's usually some external force. Someone else who is reminding you, or an event that triggers some memory.

++ As Promised ++

My current favourite song... Be Mine by David Gray.
Watch it, listen to it, and love it.


Today I smelled the wondrous smell of thawing.
I was driving my car with the windows rolled down, breeze flowing through the car, and these faint odor came in to the car, a smell of thawing and new soil, of spring and new life. It was very exciting moment. I love spring.


I love textures and colours...how you can see a millions thing, and touch the softness of clothes, hair, the cool steel, and warm coffee cup. You can taste so much delicious and comforting stuff, but can't really define what taste is. And that is amazing.


It's odd how you don't miss people when they're around all the time, but the minute they leave, or are unattainable, you want them, need them, miss them so much, that you feel hollow and empty without them.



She lifts her skirt up to her knees, walks through the garden rows
With her bare feet, laughing
I never learned to count my blessings,
I choose instead to dwell in my disaster.
I walk on down the hill, through grass grown tall and brown
And still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain...
Will it always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged?...[Empty/Ray Lamontagne]



So I find myself listening to this music, contemplating the meaning of life, and wondering if I have a future. It then turns to thoughts of that my future may hold. What people will I meet, who will I become close to, when will things change?

I've already learned to some extent, to be calmer and more easy-going, accepting simply what life has to give. And yet, at times, my mind seems to run away with me, and I worry that I'll wake up and find my life has disappeared in time, with scattered remnants of history barely leaving a mark on the people around me.


On a side note, I believe I may be honing my social skills again, which is good news for the poor people who have to live with me. I've felt so distance and far from people around me, and now I'm attempting to make the effort to be friendlier and more open. I recall a woman telling me once that it costs us nothing to smile at people and be kind, and so I'm attempting to emulate her wise words, and make an effort to show people that I care, even if sometimes I don't.


There's something touching about a child reaching for his mother with his arms outstretched, and you know he has complete trust and faith in her, that she will hold him, care for him, feed and nurture him, and love him. The look on the mother's face as she clasps him into her arms and tenderly kisses his face speaks volumes of true love. She would die for her child, and you can see that plainly in her manner.

Love is a funny thing.
Sometimes I believe we hate it and ridicule it because we fear we will never experience fully, but the truth is- real, pure love stops us in our tracks and speaks to our souls. We stand in awe of the power of love, how it affects others around us, ebbing like the tide and touching the lives of people we come into contact with.


Here's to love, life, and hope.

The Way It Is

If there's anything we can learn in life, it's that somethings and some people will never change, and accepting it will make life much easier.

For example ... You can be close to someone, love them, hope for them to change, but I do believe after some time you may be forced to sucede.

It's almost akin to giving up, but I prefer to think of it in a more positive manner...aka...choosing to NOT drive myself crazy by attempting to move a boulder, a rock, a proportionally challenged person (in spirit not physical).

So think of this...

Some people are stubborn, unyielding, and unwilling to change any part of themselves.
These people are more likely to be broken, more likely to shatter with pressure (which could be anything from daily stress to extraordinary circumstances).

But those who are flexible, who are pliable, who will change with circumstances, who will be fluid, who will be willing to assess themselves truthfully...
When storms come (and they will - life virtually guarantees us of them), these people will bend like a stalk of grain in the wind, will move like the grass in a field, will be supple, will change.

An important lesson for all of us to remember.
Stubborn, unyielding, unmoving, we inevitably leave ourselves open for hurt through and through.
Pliable, flexible, open to change, we will bend with situations and not allow ourselves to be implacable.