In fear of.

I thought about this today as I sat outside in the sunshine with my friend, enjoying the warm breeze whipping my hair about, cooling off the entire city as it settles down for another night.

We said jokingly, "We should just leave work and go out to enjoy the weather", both of us knowing that we would never do such a thing. We're too responsible to walk off of our jobs and take a night off.

It got me to thinking... Maybe I live too much in fear. Then I started thinking of all the things I am afraid of.

I'm afraid of not excelling at my job to my coworkers standards, so I work hard, frequently skip breaks, and never ask for time off, so that people will see I can handle the job requirements. I would never call in sick unless I was actually sick. I would never walk off of a shift.

I'm afraid of what people will think of my opinions, so I try to keep them to myself. People I don't really know, people I barely talk to, I can be more open with than people I find myself close to.

I'm afraid of my health and possible sickness that can be contracted by working at the hospital.

I'm afraid of the future, that it will hold things I cannot handle, that life may be too difficult for me to maneuver through.

Fear seems to be the guiding light in my life. I live afraid of consequences. I won't do anything impetuously because the results could be too disastrous for me.

It leads me to wonder if this is really life. Is it life to be constantly wondering and worrying about what could happen? Can I move beyond fear and live fully and completely, without obsessing over what other people think about me?

I look with great envy on those people who are lassez-faire, who can live without concerns and worries, who appear to be unweighted with cares of the world. They welcome change with open arms, and do not trouble themselves about what could be, but live in what is.

Yes, living in fear make keep you focused on the road ahead, but it leads to an unsettled and troubled existence.

____


But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
-W. Yeats

Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity;
but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible.
-T.E. Lawrence

Away From Here

What exactly is malcontent?

From recent experience, I would say a general unhappiness with surrounding situations, circumstances, and people is the very characterization of malcontentedness.

For, I find myself increasingly restless with who I am, how I live my life, and where I will go from here. It is becoming more and more apparent to me that I need to take wing, and do something more, or even something different with my life.

And everyday, the feeling grows stronger and stronger.
I start to feel as though I may be suffocating where I am.
I am desperately scratching away the surface, the facade that seems to have glued me to this spot.

Wherever I am, truth is hidden. I'm walking a path where I feel alone and unsure.
While I desperately long to be close to people, to share my hopes, dreams, and fears, I am more frightened of the vulnerability that follows.

Perhaps I have lost my ability to relate to people deeply and profoundly.
Perhaps I have grown out of the habit of caring for other people.
Perhaps I decaying in myself, disintegrating in who I think I should be.

But for whatever, my mind is convinced that being away from here, away from who I am and how things are, will save my sanity.

Far below the surface, my heart speaks up and disagrees, telling me I can only be happy when I accept what life has given me.