Soup & Bitterness

Of the few things I take seriously in life, work is one of them.

My parents have instilled a strong work ethic is me.  How they did, I don't know.  Maybe years of no-nos and  finger wagging, but there it is... Work ethic. 

I feel horrible calling in sick when I'm not that under the weather.
I hate walking away from unfinished work at the end of my shift.
I don't like chaos and confusion around me.  I like things neat and orderly.

These aren't so much good qualities as they are characteristics of my Type A, anal retentive personality.

Regardless...
I have high expectations of myself when it comes to work.  Admittedly, every once in a while I will slack off during my shift, but usually I time manage well and get everything done in a top notch manner.

Problems start when I have that same expectation from my co-workers.
If I make the effort to work extra hard and to be thoughtful about their needs, I expect the same treatment in return.

That is where things go horribly awry.  When a co-worker lacks any interest in being helpful or sensitive to another's needs, things get bad.  Bad bad.  I've started holding a grudge because I feel that I've gone out of my way to make their job easier, but it isn't reciprocated fairly.

After involving management with our issues, I had high hopes that the issues would be resolved fairly after we were given a chance to speak our minds and air our differences.  That didn't happen.  It seemed as though only one side was taken and it wasn't with me.  Needless to say I walked out of our meeting feeling very let down and discouraged.

It's hard to maintain a good attitude about work when you feel that your opinions are worthless.  
It's hard to maintain a good work ethic when you see people around you getting away with doing the minimum.
It's hard to maintain a good relationship with these people when all you want to do is shake them and make them see the light.

Thus, I am left feeling somewhat bitter about the entire situation and unsure about what to do next.

Find a new job?  Return to school?  Suck it up and wait it out?  

Two things are for sure:  

I don't want to get caught in this web of anger and bitterness

and

It's time for a change.

In the meantime...

I've always loved soups and have been envious of those who can concoct a delicious one.  I had actually never made my own soup (other than something from a can) until this past Easter.

It turned out like this~

It looked a bit mashed up and weird in that photo, but trust me, it was delicious.  I was so proud of my first soup.  Lentil and rice with carrots and celery, flavoured to taste.

Then, this past week I attempted a new recipe:  spinach & lentil soup.

(I've been trying to eat healthier-low carb-so I've been all about the lentil soups.)

This is how it turned out~

It was absolutely fabulous!

So, because it was so tasty, I am going to leave the recipe below for any of you soup lovers to attempt.  I doubled the recipe because I like matching a large batch to eat for a few days.  


Spinach & Lentil Soup

Ingredients

• 4 cups brown lentils
• 4 TSP olive oil
• 2 onions, finely chopped
• 4 garlic cloves, crushed
• 20 English spinach leaves, stems removed, leaves finely shredded
• 4 TSP cumin
• 4 cups vegetable stock
• 4 TBSP finely chopped coriander (cilantro)
• 2 TSP finely grated lemon zest

Rinse lentils and place in pot with 10 cups of water.  Bring to boil and then simmer for an hour uncovered.  Rinse, drain, set aside.

In a separate pot, heat the olive oil.  Add the garlic and onion and cook until golden.  Add the spinach and cook for a further two minutes.

Add the lentils, lemon zest, 4 cups of vegetable stock and 4 extra cups of water to the pot and add in the coriander and cumin.  Simmer for 15 minutes before eating.

***

Easy peasy!  I made a couple changes to the recipe and added some fresh parsley and bay leaves to the pot for extra flavour.  As well, I will note that there were definitely too many lentils when I had finished boiling them, so you could probably cut down the amount to 3 cups.  

My boyfriend promised me we'd invest in a good food processor soon, so I am excited to start making creamier soups!

Peace & love.

Reflections

Today is the first day back at work after being off for four days. My anxiety level is not high, but there is always that knowledge at the back of my brain, that I could at any minute just freak out. When I think about it though, I realize...I work in a hospital. Even if I had some sort of medical emergency, what's the worst that could happen? My co-workers would run me down to the ER, or call a Code Blue if it was a crisis situation. There's nothing that could happen that would be completely uncontrollable.

It's somehow calming, to think that despite the most extreme circumstances, I'd be okay. I'd be salvageable, and there ultimately is nothing for me to get worked up about. But somehow, the brain is a tricky and funny thing, and when sleep deprived, it doesn't work logically. Everything becomes convoluted and confused; that's when the freaking out starts. Somehow, I have to find a way to get ahead of that, to reassure myself that I'm not dying from some mysterious illness the doctors will never catch, and I'm not slowly going mentally insane.

This is the sum of all things: I live in fear. The list of things I am afraid of is endless: death, disease, loneliness, someone breaking into my apartment, making a fool of myself, peeing myself in public, dying alone, rejection, being ugly, never having sex, getting fat again, and so on. The list is endless and ridiculous.

But the fear has affected my life deeply. I'm all out of motivation to do anything, like go for a run, or clean my apartment, or hang out with friends. I feel as though I am dragging myself through life, instead of joyfully living it.

There has to be a way to discover how to live without fear of the future and fear of consequences. I should be able to take what I want without looking constantly over my shoulder. If I want to fuck this guy, I should just tell him that, instead of worrying about what he'll think or what my chances are. Odds are, once he's drunk, he'll say yes, and if not, I'll move on to someone else.

So there is no reason for me to live on the edge of my seat, afraid of getting up and walking away, but too discomfited to lean back and enjoy. Perched up here, I feel dizzy and alone. It's just...somehow finding the answer to the worrying and anxiety... that is the rub.

It's strange how much I seek the approval from people around me. The fact that this guy still hasn't replied to my message worries me. It almost distresses me. Does he find me strange? Creepy? Do my co-workers find me lazy and useless? Will my parents ever really approve of me and the choices I have made?

For some reason there's a doctor that felt she had to chart right beside me. We're literally maybe a foot and a half apart, and I definitely feel as though she is infringing on my personal space. But that's the way life is. We have people that consider it normal to sit wherever they want before checking with the proprietor, just like people who take over your heart and mind without making sure you can handle their existence in your life. Then when they disappear, it's like a single candle has been blown out and you are sitting in darkness.

You never really wanted them in the first place, but now that they are gone, there is a noticeable difference in your life. It's odd how that just happens...how all of a sudden, without any warning, people just kinda POP into your life, and you can't imagine what it would be like without that moment of meeting them. They directly impact you and affect the choices that you make, and then it happens...they fall right back out of it, disappear back into their own lives, and you're expected to carry on as though nothing life altering happened to you.

It's just an example of how much someone can mean to you, and how little you can mean to them. OR, how much a situation or occurrence can mean to you, and how little it can mean to the other person, as it just very well might be an every day situation for them. And that's why people are so frustrating...because there is a disconnect, and we're not all on the same glorious page, just miles apart without any connection, other than a multitude of passionate kisses that make your skin goose bump weeks after the moment.

The Daily Grind

I went to bed last night dreading today's work shift...I woke up in the exact same state of mind...still dreading the next twelve hours to follow. So I have decided to chronicle my twelve hour work shift, with a little hope that it will cause the day to fly by.







8:30-9:30: I arrive with a medium, extra-hot, no foam, latte attached to my hand, and definitely dispirited. I had no time to wash my hair and somehow cut my hand while digging around in my make up box. Dried blood on my middle phalange, and feeling like something the cat dragged in, my co-worker seems happy to see me. We sit and talk for a few minutes about a certain doctor (that shall not be named for my own safety), while I put a band-aid on my finger. I've wandered back to my side and started doing doctors' orders, while two of the nurses sit and talk about mortgages and lines of credit with the pharmacist.



9:30-1030: More doctors' orders, and more nurses not knowing what they're doing or what condition their patient is in. My eyes are starting to burn and feel itchy for some reason, and my little scapula is aching. I feel as though I'm in fluorescent hell today. John Mayer is relentlessly crooning "don't hold your love over my head", and I'm slowly starting to settle into today's pace, though I still feel a bit suicidal. I've decided that the worst thing about today is the incessant phone calls and call bells going off. I just engaged in a spirited discussion about tampon brands with one of my favourite nurses, and now am off to deal with more patient issues.




10:30-11:30: Unsuccessfully attempted to book appointment for patient; the surgeon's secretary didn't pick up the phone, which means she's probably at Second Cup enjoying a toasty tea. Although why the deuce anyone would want a toasty tea today...it's raining/grey out, but there's that humidity that we live with in Hamilton, so the air feels thick and still. I don't think they have the "chillers" (air conditioning) on in the hospital yet, because it's crazy warm in here. That's probably the reason my eyes are burning.

I'm trying to decide whether to go on a break at 11 or 11:30. If I go at 11, I can skip any annoying co-workers, but I often start feeling lonely, so maybe 11:15, to get the best of both worlds? These are the dilemmas that I have to sort through...heh, it certainly puts my job into perspective. Nothing important going on here.

I'm attempting to file something, but the patients chart is missing, and has been for a while. I wonder...if it was left downstairs in x-ray, or if the patient is still down there with it. Oh...look at that...chart has made its way back, avec patient. Whee.

11:30-12:30: Ended up going to break late (11:30ish) and munched my way through some low fat strawberry yogurt, old cheddar cheese, tuna, and a bun thing. One of the doctors brought in a bunch of high fat/high sugar/high cal snacks for the nurses (it's Nursing Appreciation Week), so I indulged in a teeny tiny square of brownie. Sitting in the lounge with the bright sunshine warming the sofa and entire room, I could feel myself drooping and drifting off to a nap. Shook myself awake, went back into the nursing station and talked to my co-worker (other clerk) for a few minutes, and am currently back at my desk, drinking ice water, and about to run through my list of tasks I have yet to do.

12:30-13:30: Shenanigans are afoot. The doctor is trying to send a patient home...a patient who is clearly not ready to be sent home. The nurses are attempting to keep the patient in a bit longer. No one is fighting, but I'm not sure how everything is going to go down. I guess it depends on what the RT (respiratory therapist) thinks of the patients breathing/SATs. In the meantime, my nurse manager is on the phone about six feet away from me, making calls and arranging a taxi for herself. This bandaged finger is making it rather hard to type and do other such duties.
Frustrating phone call from a pharmacist, whose first language clearly isn't English, and who babbled on about a certain drug and restrictions? colour? role something? I couldn't make out half of what he was saying and felt bad asking him to repeat himself, so I gave him our fax number and told him to fax me the information. Hopefully he knows how to write English. The patients got lasagna for lunch, and it actually smells rather appetizing.
Side note: It's almost 13:30, and there's lidocaine on my desk. I thought one of the residents wanted it for pulling a chest tube, but no one has come for it so far. Obviously it's not a narcotic as it was tubed (we have a pneumatic tube system that runs through the hospital), but still...is anyone going to come claim it? In the meantime, I'm keeping my beady eyes on the four vials...



13:30-14:30: A conversation about the lidocaine has since ensued, and I handed the four vials off to another nurse. I called a different surgeon's office to book a follow up for a patient, and the secretary was so nice. It's always pleasant to speak to someone who isn't suffering from anger and rage issues.
Holy fast time batman! It's already 14:15, and I've barely looked at the clock. I just had a discussion with a couple other nurses about what we plan on bringing to work tomorrow to snack on. We've settled on fruit, veggies, and chips with salsa. Tomorrow looks promising.
And on the work front: I sorted the pharmacy issue about the LU CODE (limited use code, it turns out) and we've faxed back the information. One of the biggest struggles with working on this unit is the follow work that we consistently have to do, because things don't seem to be done right the first time. It's also extra difficult here because of shift work...some people go home when another line is working, and then we have to sort out ensuing problems, which is difficult when you're not involved in the sitch from the beginning.

14:30-15:30: So far nothing eventful has happened. I did a few more doctors order, and I have this creeping feeling that I'm starting my period soon. Blegh, I feel crampy, although it's possible it might just be an upset stomach/indigestion. The twelve hour shifts feel very lame at this point. My co-worker is going home after eight hours, and now I'm jealous that I'm not the person going home. Right now there is just general confusion and chaos going on...we're not sure what patients we're admitting into what beds...the charge nurse seems a bit oblivious of the chaos we are going through, and I think everyone is going a little crazy at the moment. Blegh. I just wanna get outta here in the warm sunshine--which will be all gone by the time I leave at 8:30pm.
It feels like about time for a break. I'm going insane.

15:30-16:30: Just spent a half hour outside with my charge nurse, pleasant discussions all around. She smoked two cigarettes and I sat and perused a crossword from today's newspaper. It's warm out, for the first time in over a week. Also, super windy, so my hair is now quite wind swept, even though I've tried combing it out.
I took the band-aid off my cut finger and cleaned out the scratch/cut. A nurse reapplied a new band-aid for me, and I find myself quite cheerful, and pleased to be working with people who somewhat care about my well being. Let's see how this blogging goes in four hours...which is all the time I have left! I still have to sort through at least fifteen charts to make sure they are all up to date, and one of the units still needs to have their daily labs/diagnostic tests entered. On top of that, one of the patients that was supposed to go to another floor is staying, and so I have to figure out what to do about their daily ECG order.
I'm feeling the need for another coffee though. The warm fresh air has made me feel even more somnolent than before. The day isn't exactly dragging by, but it's not skipping anymore.
Off I go to convince another nurse to come down to the Second Cup with me.

16:30-17:30: Ran downstairs with my co-worker to grab that coffee. Just after we got back up to our floor, a Code Blue was called for the main lobby. We missed all the excitement. I just admitted a post-op into a bed, did their admission orders/charting, discharged two more patients, and feel ready for a little bit of food.

17:30-18:30: Brief and somewhat awkward supper (consisting of a low-fat muffin and yogurt) as a couple co-workers who dislike each other were in the same room. Conversation was a little stilted/forced, but there were enough extra people in the room to maintain the flow. Looking woefully through the windows outside, the sun is starting to slide down the sky, and the entire day has been wasted sitting indoors, breathing in recycled air (that's still stuffy btw), and working under fluorescent lights. Oh...another patient was admitted, so I'm off to do their orders/take care of their admission stuff. Busy busy busy!! I also planned to work on my resume at some point, but I don't realistically see that happening.

18:30-19:30: I'm getting there! Only two hours left of this godforsaken shift! I'm ready crawl under my desk and take a longgg nap. But back to work. I still have to finish up this admission, and then off to stock up the charts for the weekend. Everything else is basically done, which makes me happy...it'll leave me the final hour with not much to do. I prefer to have everything under control by 19:30. ...Military time...gotta love it.
Good news from another one of my co-workers! His wife is pregnant, 16 wks along. The joy erupting among the nurses for him and his wife is precious. When he told everyone sitting in the nursing station, they all started whooping and yelling with excitement. I know for a fact that it's been a struggle for the couple to procreate, so it's great news. Another moment that makes me look fondly at my co-workers. Much of the time I find myself frustrated with their occasional laziness or ignorance or even just plain rudeness, but then they go redeem themselves by being able to happy for other people's moments of joy and pure elation.

19:30-20:30: The last hour...just gotta push right through it. I'm off to stock the charts while the nurses do their shift change report. Grace Havnevik is temporarily replacing John Mayer on my music list, and my eyes are still burning, but maybe from anticipation at getting out of here so soon.
Heyyy...I just tried to open an old document on this computer that I locked, and I can't remember the password I used! I hate it when this happens. Too many accounts and too many passwords. And so much for working on a resume...I haven't had the time to select a style or font, let alone start thinking about references/previous jobs/job skills.
So this hasn't been the MOST accurate depiction of what a day in my job is like, because I didn't mention the hundreds of call bells that I picked up, or how the phone rang all afternoon with people asking stupid questions...Much of my time is spent answering the phones/tracking down nurses to talk to family members/redirecting visitors etc.
I'm thirsty, so off to the kitchen for some water, and now that I've done all my jobs for the day, I can rest easy. I even prepared some stuff for tomorrow morning, as I'll be the only clerk working tomorrow. Oh joy.

Work Issues

I'm listening to John Mayer at work in an effort to avoid binge eating junk food, which is essentially "stress eating".
What is it about work, that it evolves from being an enjoyable experience to being, well, work?
People always say that you should do what you love, but the fact is, you'll love doing anything for the first couple months, perhaps even years, but eventually the stress/wear and tear/general work environment will dull your love of your job.
In fact, I would put forward that people are most happy in jobs that are solitary and do not require any daily interaction with large amount of people.
Proof: look how happy landscapers are. They might work with one other person the entire day, be exhausted and tired, but still not have to deal with the drama that accompanies working with extended staff. Artists who paint in silence are proof indeed.
The fact is, each of us are individuals that unfortunately bring issues to the workplace, carrying our home problems in with us, and affecting the way that we treat people who interact with us every day. A fight with a spouse might send someone into an angry or frustrated spiral, that they take out on their coworker who unwittingly steps on their nerves.
Of course we all do this with family members, but coworkers are not family members, and so I don't think we should treat each other or be treated like such. I mean, I shouldn't have to listen to a doctor berate me because she feels like something isn't being done her way or to her preference. STFU lady. You make mistakes in your OR and no one rubs it in your face, so stop being a self-righteous hypocrite and go boil your head.
That is all. For the love of God, please do the world a favour and don't bring your personal issue or anger management problems to your workplace. We're all entitled to a peaceful and zen work environment, and I'M GETTING WHAT I'M ENTITLED TO.

Annoyances

Things have been irritating me, and in order to avoid becoming hostile (I love the word "hostile"; it's so poetic sounding) I have decided to make a brief list of things (there's something about making lists that calms me down!) that have recently come to my attention that plain old piss me off.

• Elective abortions are now called "therapeutic". You know what's therapeutic? Those little gardens that you rake when you're feeling stressed. Also stress balls, prophylactic medicine, sun lights during the winter to keep your from being depressed, physiotherapy, seeing a chiropractor, counselling...you get my point. The fact that the medical world has decided to turn abortion into something that sounds reasonably okay disgusts. I suppose it is related to my deep hate for abortion, but I think it should be called what it is: the ending of a life.
• And on the topic of abortions, people who have "therapeutic abortions" as a type of birth control, and then choose to become pregnant and have a baby shortly after their abortions. What was the point of that?! Why not keep the original baby? Alkajfklafjl;s!!!
• Extremely long radio commercials. I get that stations have to stay in business somehow, but K-lite FM manages to play maybe three songs an hour. Okay, obviously that's an exaggeration, but seriously! The amount of time that they spend playing radio commericals is at least over fifty percent of the time they play songs. And speaking of K-lite FM, why are people allowed to play that godawful station at work? I should not be forced to listen to such garbage for hours on end.
• Filtered/screened blog comments. You're putting your thoughts and ideas out for the world to see, but you don't want people posting their candid and uncensored opinion on what you're saying. You're lame. No one should be screening their comments before posting them...that defeats the whole purpose of honest posterity.
• People who drive under the speed limit because they're smoking/talking on their bluetooth/being idiots. They should routinely be fining those people, not the ones who are going 5-10k over.
• Coworkers who CONSTANTLY call in sick or go home sick. Fire their asses already. They're not an asset to the team, and they're just frustrating and annoying everyone who works with them, so get rid of them. As well, they're clearly incompetent, so for the love of all that is good and green on this earth, FIRE THEM!!
• Related to the whole sick/lazy coworker thing... If my other coworkers don't stop complaining to ME about the issue instead of the proper authourities (who can then successfully deal with the issue when enough complaints have been lodged), I am going to lose my freakin' mind!!! Email the boss and complain about it with recorded incidents, or just STOP talking/complaining about it to each other.
• How about people stop dragging their furniture along their apartment floor (right above me) at 2 am? It's just weird and keeps freaking me out.
• People who wear exercise clothes even though they obviously do not exercise---STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!!! It just looks awkward and terrible, and you CANNOT pull it off.

That's it for now. Quite an extensive list, but I am feeling rather annoyed today.

Tomorrow--hump day. Happy Pre Hump Day all you industrial workers!

There Are Days--

when I love my job.
I sit at the nursing station surrounded by doctors, nurses, therapists, pharmacists, other clerks, spiritual care, social work, maintenance, and I love what I do.
I love hearing people discussing medical cases, I love the drama of deSATing and chest tube issues, bad blood work results, surgeries gone wrong, and other such hospital issues.


I was talking to a friend today about being in love.
It feels sometimes to me (and to her apparently), that we give away our love too freely, and almost cheapen it.
Our love is squandered on people who barely notice it, and who don't understand or care about it's worth.
We fall in love inconveniently, always with the wrong people, choosing the relationships that will never be equal, but in which one person will always care more than the other.
And this is a serious character flaw.
Not judging a person's character thoroughly, but falling head-over-heels in love with them, our emotions driving us to hang onto every word they say, every action they do, every way they are.
I adore them, idolize the fiber of their being, and pour my every thought into them.
It's sad to think that they barely think of us, that our love is so wasted, that the tears we cry and heart-break we feel means nothing to them.
So, that's the serious character flaw. The fact that our love is not measured, is not treasured dearly, but we simply throw it at anyone who shows the slightest interest in us, and wearing our hearts on our sleeves, they are exposed and are broken easily.

Work

There is a chasm of difference between my coworkers and myself.

Every single one of them is married or in a long-term relationshion, and has at least one child.
They will all at the drop of a hat describe their excruciating pregnancy and the joys of motherhood.
They discuss cooking, cleaning house, spending time with lovers and children, and carry on in the most Stepford manner.

I struggle to understand them, what makes their world spin around, and how to carry a conversation with them.
Not only that, I believe they don't how to reach me. So their answer to the worlds of difference is to just ignore me for the most part, only speak to me as much as work requires, and leave me to my own devices.
They are not bad people, nor malicious or cruel. They simply can't relate to me.

It suits me fine, to be left to work at my own pace, to find my way through a work shift, and to meander along.
But at times, I feel so lonely, and feel as though I will never deeply connect with any of these people.

The hardest thing about this all, is the way I compare it to my old job, where in a staff of maximum twenty people, I got along with every single person, knew each of them outside of work, could carry on conversations for entire shifts, and happily built work relationships. We knew so much about each other and had the best moments together.

And now, in a far more professional workplace, surrounded by many more people...watched at all times...I often feel lonely.

For the most part I try not to compare the jobs, because they are of two completely opposite existences, but at times I remember the good times had by all, and miss those days.

I love my job, but there are cons to it, as per anything.

Walking Sleep.

That what it feels like I've been doing as of late.

I've been getting enough sleep for the past two days...at least ten straight hours, but I think my body is trying to catch up on the lack of sleep I've had over the whole past week.

And although I do not find my job physically tiring, I do find that my mind is tired, my eyes are scratchy and burn, and having to just go in is becoming a wearisome thing.

It's not that I dislike the job already. It's just that eleven days straight is definitely overkill. I can see the reasoning behind why God made the weekend. We all need those two days to rest and recuperate from the week of work.

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to Friday with joy and expectancy. A day off. A day where I will not have to get into scrubs, do makeup and hair, and go out. Although I think I'll have to go out anyway.

Here's the thing...
When I'm at work, I start to feel tired and am sure that I will fall asleep the moment I return home.
But always without fail, the moment I step through the door and take off my work clothes, I start to feel a tad more energetic, and end up staying awake until the wee hours of the morning, all the while berating myself and thinking 'I'm going to be tired again tomorrow'...
What a vicious cycle.
Okay, it's rather humourous.

I received my weekly email from Walk In the Word, and wow, what a great message, that I definitely need to learn from. You can view it here. Anyway, I realize that I do need to make this my prayer--
Lord, I know You are at work in my life and circumstances…even when I don’t see Your hand. I know You are working all things together for good. Help me fix my heart on You no matter how long I must wait to see a bigger picture. I believe You will bring all things around for Your glory.

Because I consistently try to make sense of things that are happening, I try to struggle my way through problems, I try to make my way through circumstances that are suffocating...when I need to stop attempting with my own might, and need to start relying on God to have His way through all these things.

That is all.