Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Reflections

Today is the first day back at work after being off for four days. My anxiety level is not high, but there is always that knowledge at the back of my brain, that I could at any minute just freak out. When I think about it though, I realize...I work in a hospital. Even if I had some sort of medical emergency, what's the worst that could happen? My co-workers would run me down to the ER, or call a Code Blue if it was a crisis situation. There's nothing that could happen that would be completely uncontrollable.

It's somehow calming, to think that despite the most extreme circumstances, I'd be okay. I'd be salvageable, and there ultimately is nothing for me to get worked up about. But somehow, the brain is a tricky and funny thing, and when sleep deprived, it doesn't work logically. Everything becomes convoluted and confused; that's when the freaking out starts. Somehow, I have to find a way to get ahead of that, to reassure myself that I'm not dying from some mysterious illness the doctors will never catch, and I'm not slowly going mentally insane.

This is the sum of all things: I live in fear. The list of things I am afraid of is endless: death, disease, loneliness, someone breaking into my apartment, making a fool of myself, peeing myself in public, dying alone, rejection, being ugly, never having sex, getting fat again, and so on. The list is endless and ridiculous.

But the fear has affected my life deeply. I'm all out of motivation to do anything, like go for a run, or clean my apartment, or hang out with friends. I feel as though I am dragging myself through life, instead of joyfully living it.

There has to be a way to discover how to live without fear of the future and fear of consequences. I should be able to take what I want without looking constantly over my shoulder. If I want to fuck this guy, I should just tell him that, instead of worrying about what he'll think or what my chances are. Odds are, once he's drunk, he'll say yes, and if not, I'll move on to someone else.

So there is no reason for me to live on the edge of my seat, afraid of getting up and walking away, but too discomfited to lean back and enjoy. Perched up here, I feel dizzy and alone. It's just...somehow finding the answer to the worrying and anxiety... that is the rub.
It's strange how much I seek the approval from people around me. The fact that this guy still hasn't replied to my message worries me. It almost distresses me. Does he find me strange? Creepy? Do my co-workers find me lazy and useless? Will my parents ever really approve of me and the choices I have made?

For some reason there's a doctor that felt she had to chart right beside me. We're literally maybe a foot and a half apart, and I definitely feel as though she is infringing on my personal space. But that's the way life is. We have people that consider it normal to sit wherever they want before checking with the proprietor, just like people who take over your heart and mind without making sure you can handle their existence in your life. Then when they disappear, it's like a single candle has been blown out and you are sitting in darkness.

You never really wanted them in the first place, but now that they are gone, there is a noticeable difference in your life. It's odd how that just happens...how all of a sudden, without any warning, people just kinda POP into your life, and you can't imagine what it would be like without that moment of meeting them. They directly impact you and affect the choices that you make, and then it happens...they fall right back out of it, disappear back into their own lives, and you're expected to carry on as though nothing life altering happened to you.

It's just an example of how much someone can mean to you, and how little you can mean to them. OR, how much a situation or occurrence can mean to you, and how little it can mean to the other person, as it just very well might be an every day situation for them. And that's why people are so frustrating...because there is a disconnect, and we're not all on the same glorious page, just miles apart without any connection, other than a multitude of passionate kisses that make your skin goose bump weeks after the moment.

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