La Ritournelle

Sebastien Tellier:
Oh nothing's gonna change my love for you
I wanna spend my life with you
So we'll make love in the grass under the moon
No one can tell; damned if I do
Forever journey on golden avenues
I drift in your eyes since I love you
I got that beat in my veins for only rule
Love is to share, mine is for you

I possibly have never heard such a beautiful song. I think that if I could pick one defining song, that would be it. "La Ritournelle". It means--something that is repeated over and over again, perhaps too often. The connotations of the word in it's mother language (French) is negative.

Is that love? Something that we repeat over and over again, going through cycles of people like salmon fighting upstream, desperate to reach the place that we find ourselves inexorably thinking of, our thoughts drifting to? Is this love something that we repeat too often? Running through people like garments or clothes, pulling them on and off, some not fitting quite properly, some outside of our style and personal expression, some like a glove, perfectly fitted close to our skin, and even more painful to peel off and leave our hands defenseless and open to the elements around us...

It makes me wonder how love can be such a beautiful and good thing, how it draws two kindred spirits together, and how it can damage and leave us broken as it leads us down a road toward something that will inevitably drag us down down down to nothingness.

But even if it becomes a boring and repetitive refrain to us, it's something we just can't stop singing about, reading about, immersing ourselves in...the journey to finding someone "perfect" for us, and how it will all end in such a glorious fashion. It's all very reaching. Because movies show us two very good looking people who exchange a glance across a crowded street, have a one night stand with mind shattering orgasms, and then bump into each other again and again until it's crystal clear: it's their destiny to be together! They're perfect for each other, even though they've barely carried a conversation and the issue of dirty towels being left on the bathroom floor has yet to be addressed.

It makes me believe that it will be the same way for me. Finding that person won't be a fight, it will flow naturally, and I'll look up across a room (or a street/subway car/doctor's office/restaurant/etc) and the electric sparks will fly through one glance. I'll know with surety that this man right here...he's the right one. Shazzam.

And somehow it makes me sad that we all watch these movies and subconsciously find ourselves sinking into those mediocre hopes and dreams, while tonight, probably blocks from where I live, a child will go to bed hungry, will wake up hungry, will wear dirty clothes to school, will be verbally and emotionally abused by their parents, and they will consider this lifestyle normal. They'll grow up into an adult who will ultimately adopt the same attitude toward their own kids.

Or while I'm busy thinking about this guy (who STILL hasn't messaged me back yet), there are lines at the neighbourhood soup kitchen, there are people sleeping on park benches and bus shelters, and there is need everywhere you turn your eyes.I shut them and walk away and contemplate my own problems, my sleepless nights and anxiety issues, where I can barely breathe and I feel like I'm dropping out of myself and into darkness. I guess we all have our own problems, and we're all so absorbed in them, that it's extremely difficult to open up those eyes, look up, and see the people around us who are crying out for some love...yes, love. Not the love that you find sitting across from you in the doctor's office, but the love that reaches out a hand to those who have fallen down. The love that leads us to selfless and sacrifice. The love that makes us want to be better people, that leads us to change and to growth.

I want to find the love in the eyes of someone across from me...but I also want the love that I find to challenge and grow me and make me a better person, instead of being stuck as this Marcia who struggles to find happiness and contentment in herself. I want that love to urge me forward and lead me into the greater things that are to come. So Mr Guy That Won't Return My Facebook Message---I'm not in love with you, I don't expect you to save me, but my love is to share...I wanna spread it around. You're welcome to some, if you need it.