So today, right here, right now, I've had the most honest and self-probing thoughts.
Here's the thing. Or rather, thingS.
I complain about not having close friends. I whine that my life is devoid of social activity. I feed my self-pity by thinking of how alone I am. And I don't exaggerate when I state that I have no close friends at this point in time. I don't. And the thing is...
I've chosen it to be this way.
I've allowed people to slip away from me, as sand trickles through your fingers. I've allowed time and physical space to push us apart. I've waited for others to make the first move instead of attempting to rekindle fires myself. I secretly find many people boring, which is why I don't try to make friendships work out.
And then I complain that I'm alone. But...I've chosen it to be this way.
I've chosen uneventful nights, I've chosen long work hours, I've chosen uninterrupted weeks of working, I've chosen to avoid people, I've chosen this path in life.
The right to complain is now null and void. This has become all too clear to me. You lay down with dogs, you get fleas. You live with your life decisions. And that is that.
How exactly was this epiphany triggered?
I was talking to someone about another friend who is fading out of my life. My statement was: "We can no longer relate to each other and I find her boring."
The girl I was talking to was silent for a couple minutes and then said, "Don't you think people think that way about you?" To which I arrogantly replied, "No, because I'm not boring".
But after a few minutes of thinking, I can now see how people would see me as boring. I work all the time, don't bother going out, don't go to movies, do not go drinking or clubbing, and basically talk about work. And music. And so, yes, I can see how people would find me uninteresting.
So basically, here's what it comes down to.
I have to learn to live with the life choices that I have made, and I have to learn to live with them gracefully.
Things will never be perfect or precisely the way I would like them to be, so why not be happy and grateful for what I do have?
And if I want more, I need to go out there and get more.
There's just one BUT.
But people, it is always me! It's me who chases down other people and tries to make them care! It's me who shows affection and emotion! It's me who tries to extract care from people! It always is bloody me who tries to make friendships and relationships work. I'm so tired of being the one who ends up feeling hurt and abandoned, while the other person just waltzes out of the situation completely untouched by what went down.
I know I just stated that I wouldn't complain, but this is my blog, and if you don't like it, stop reading it.
Basically it's a catch-22.
I'm frustrated with being the person who tries to make things work, but I'm even more frustrated with my cynical, apathetic attitude.