Thursday, 1 January 2009

I keep listening to this one song over and over again.

It’s a repetition in my mind that touches not only my physical sense of hearing, but touches my emotions.

It’s so if on cue, each time the song begins and strengthens into itself, these tears just form behind my eyes.

Nothing so dramatic such as sobbing or obvious waves of grief...just this small nagging relentless feeling that I will never be able to have what I want from life.

What do I want?

I want something beautiful to call my own. I want surety. I want strength that lifts me up from depths of despair. I want a man who will look at me as though I am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen in the world.

I want a man who will still be in love with me after years of marriage, years that have taken their toll in less that attractive ways.

So superficial of me...but I want a man who looks beautiful. I want someone who I will not ever be ashamed of, who is not only good first and foremost on the inside...but also good on the outside.

For so long I have castigated people who place looks and appearances on a pedestal, and so I strive not to do so, but with adulthood and maturity comes this undeniable awareness of the fact that physical attraction is important and necessary to relationships.

I get ahead of myself.
I want the best from life, the best that I can offer.
I do not want to come to the ending of my life and regret things I have never had, things I have never done.

Alhough I am sure that I sound very superficial and selfish, I simply want to look at something beautiful and wonderful the rest of my life. That is all.

It is one of the reasons that I have lately been pushing myself for. I can barely expect someone attractive looking to be interested in a mediocre person as myself. T hus, here I am, genuinely trying to better myself and at the same time, superficially wondering if someone out there is bettering themselves for me.

As this is new years eve, and another new year will soon be approaching, I make these selfish plans to change myself in order to better attract people. I have decided that I will be a better person in more than one way, and that although I still cling to the hopeful belief that charcter is much more important than looks, I realize with sadness that the world disagrees.

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