I can't stop listening to "Skinny Love" by Bon Iver. A few moment ago I read an email from my sister in China. Her words are so comforting as older sisters usually are and suddenly out of nowhere (hello PMS!), tears start running down my cheeks, and I audibly gasp out a few sobs as "...I'll be holding all the tickets, and you'll be owning all the fines..." plays in the background.
That's life, I guess. That's what we go through. I could write only about all the guys I've fooled around with, the drunken nights with my friend strumming her guitar at 3 am and singing "Wonderwall"...but the reality is, I do sit at home alone sometimes, think about all the weights and burdens on me, and simply start to cry because there's absolutely nothing else I can do.
I can't fix these situations that seem to be escalating out of control. I certainly can't help people unless they want help. I can't change the minds and actions of people around me...everything is beyond my control. I just...can't...fix it.
When you come to that damning realization, do you feel relieved and free, or do you try to scramble all the more to fix what is so broken?
Not sure of what else I can do, I lean with my head in my hands, thunk my forehead down on my desk, grasp my hair in my hands and struggle internally. How can we be so futile, have such little control over our lives?
It's scary when you suddenly wake up and see that you have no control...you're just floating along, hoping that catastrophic things won't happen, making the best with what you've got. Trying to be happy and content despite problems around you...
I go back to the days when I was young, when we fought with my parents but it was simply over curfew and appropriate reading material, not possible spouses that are not approved of and career choices that just aren't good enough. I remember how my Mom and I used to have a battle of wills over what supper to make or the right way to throw a newspaper onto someones porch. It wasn't about my sister's physical boundaries with her boyfriend and how I'm suddenly responsible.
The feelings of futility that I already mentioned--not being in control, not having options, there simply being no light at the end of the tunnel...All that piled up in my mind, pressing against my chest and throat...Sometimes I struggle to breathe and I'm not sure if it's because of this deep chest cold and chronic heart burn that is eating away at my esophagus...or if it's because sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is on top of me, as I lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling, trying to dream of a world or a situation where I'm happy and healthy, not surrounded by people who are disappointed with me.
"...In the morning I'll be with you, but it'll be a different kind..."
I know there's nothing special about these emotions. We all hit that breaking point, where we seriously doubt whether we can take any more of what life has to throw at us. How many more people can we displease? How many times can we feel like we are disappointments to our family and friends? When does the straw break this camel's back?
Not a single person can say they haven't felt this way. We all have. I'm not unique. It's simply that, sitting alone in this exact moment, I feel like the loneliest and saddest girl in the world. I do feel unique in that way. Somewhere down the street or on the other side of the city, maybe a few cities over or somewhere in Europe, there is another girl sitting and feeling as lonely, sad, and bereft as I do.
That idea leaves me a bit humbled, makes me realize this is all a giant act of self pity, and I should probably pull myself together and stop being such a whiny bitch.
We all need the this time though...to wallow in our emotions, to cry and allow the mascara to leave tear tracks of black down our cheeks. We need to let the sadness, frustration, grief flow out of us. Sometimes crying is the only answer. Talking doesn't help, distractions won't keep us busy enough to forget...we need to cry and let it out.
I'll cry sporadically for a while longer and then pull myself together and start trying to fix things again.