Tuesday, 28 December 2010

as always--thoughts

I sat downstairs alone again. The tiled floor design intrigued me for a minute, my eyes attempting to focus on the all the dots and swirls, soaking in the intricate pattern.

It made me think that there absolutely has to be more significance to what we do in life, what we do with ourselves, instead of just random chaos, our lives like a snow globe that is shaken with the snow swirling, then settling in an unpredictable pattern.

Sometimes my life does feel like that snow globe, and I'm trapped inside the glass, looking out at the world around feel, unsure of whether to feel content where I am...Then I'm shaken up and the snow flies around me, I know that there is more than what I'm settling for...

I could take the snow globe symbolism further, but I have an idea that it would just become more ridiculous. Instead I move on to different things, walking down the sidewalk home after work, glancing around at the bare trees and scattered clouds, apartment buildings rising up, light shining through hundreds of windows, balconies draped in festive Christmas lights that twinkle and dance in the wind.

There doesn't seem to be much point looking for meaning in life, meaning in things that are just what they are, no deeper thoughts or feelings, but I still try, and I sit in the foyer looking at the tile patterns and feel deeply alone and sad, tears gathering behind my eyes and threatening to spill down my face.

It is loneliness that drags me down into philosophical and pointless wool gathering, but I can't find the cure and I'm restless, running from one thing to another, continually feeling as though I'm chasing something, but what? And if I don't know what I'm chasing, how will I know when I have found it?

I'm scared that I'll spend my whole life in this place of discomfort and unsureness, afraid of the future but not wanting to relive the past and discontent with the present. I find it hard to picture where I should be or what I should be doing, but I know that if I'm with the right person I'll be okay.

Sitting on that chair cross-legged, contemplating what I've done in the past few months, the entirely different person that I've become, I realize that I could write a book on my experiences, the new worldly ways of my life, but who would want to read about a girl stumbling drunk around bar, trying to find happiness and approval in the eyes around her, seeking love from the wrong people in the wrong place and most likely at the wrong time.

This is the sum of all things--I don't know who I am, the Marcia is unrecognizable and I hate being so in the dark when it comes to knowing myself. I want to be able to utilize my talents and gifts, to be happy no matter what happens around me, and I struggle to find that every single day. Work drags the life out of me, my friends are constantly expecting me to be a certain way, and my parents want me to make different life choices than the ones that I am currently making...

How can I please so many people around me and no consider my own self at all? How can I find the happy balance between loving the Marcia I am, even though others around me might not?

Such things come with time and wisdom and I want that.

The other day I was thinking...I wouldn't mind dying today. As long as I wasn't in any pain, I wouldn't mind closing my eyes and falling into oblivion, moving on to another stage of life, or just embracing the final curtain that falls. I'm not afraid and I don't find much happiness in life at this point in time, probably because I'm seeking it from wrong things.

Who can live in such a place? Who can be happy?

I don't mind that "C" doesn't care. It's not longer foremost in my thoughts, concerning me day and night. Some things we have to let go of; in order to save ourselves, we might have to open our hands and allow people to slip by, past us. What might feel so right in the moment isn't necessarily right for us in future moments, and I can't change him or make him care, so I'll open these hands and heart and allow him to move forward away from me, while I stand still and look around ,waiting for people to finally see me.

I'm back at the bar in my mind, standing against a man, leaning into his mouth, smiling against his lips, and in that moment I feel free. I'm sitting on the couch in my living room again, the brown wool fabric rough against my skin, and I smile to myself, remembering the moments past, embracing all of Marcia, trying my hardest to love who I am, despite my affinity to self-hatred and self-loathing.

There is just the darkness of night all around and it threatens to swallow us all up. Sometimes we need people around us to shed a light. Sometimes we need to find a way to light the way ourselves. Whatever happens, we are people. I can't be anyone else so I have to find a way to love this person that I am.

I dance the night away carelessly, forgetting the realities of cold winter days that stretch out for miles ahead.

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