Relationships

I love relationships, the words spoken and the quiet moments between people, the glances and the physical affection, the complete knowledge of another person and the ability to continue to love them through the difficult times...

There's just something so beautiful about how humans interact. Not all the time...we, of course, experience frustration and anger, raising our voices and sometimes our fists, attempting to communicate how we feel and often failing...

But beyond that, focusing on the good things, I love receiving a text from my brother that is honest, him being upset about his girlfriend dumping him, angry and hurt, not sure how to treat her now and choosing to avoid the situation as so many of us do.

Then there's a text from my sister telling me her work schedule for tomorrow, making plans to do some tv watching with me in the evening, discussing what we're doing through the rest of the week...constantly in touch with each other, aware of where we'll be, concern for each others safety and well being expressed through the interest in one another's lives.

Picking up the phone and speaking casually to my mom for a minutes... Trying to decide on what day to have a birthday meal for myself, and she rambles on a bit about how her and dad have agreed to act as Mr and Mrs Claus for the extended family Christmas party. Even though she is upset and disappointed with some of the issues our family has been going through, disjointed and further apart than ever, she makes the effort to remain peaceable and calm. It's difficult for her because she normally expresses herself strongly, but there she is making the effort...

I turn to Janice sitting beside me in the back seat of our friend's car, and we smile at each other, confident and secure in our friendship. I flash back to sitting curled up on a stretcher in the ER, crying and scared, and her climbing up on the stretcher beside me, putting her arm around me, and comforting me...Making a list of questions for the doctor, and staying to talk to the resident with me...

Sarah sends me messages all day, documenting what she is doing with fragmented texts that are most time a bit difficult to understand. "Laying down, headache, stabbing in head." Or "Pancakes just puked". But once in a while they're deeper and darker, telling me about her frustrations with her boyfriend, how she hates being lied to, how she doesn't know what to do so she drinks as an answer.

And sitting here at my desk in the a half lit room, contemplating all the texts I have received today, the people that I have talked to, laughed with, smiled at, I'm filled with wonder at our capacity to communicate and co-exist with each other...The people that we choose to have in our lives, the ones that we pursue to the bitter end, the guys that I dream of and hope for, the friends that have fallen out of my life and that I miss deeply...It's life.

It's life...the beauty of it...people who impact us and speak encouraging and kind words into our lives, people who inspire to move ahead, change and grow, people that we would go the distance for...

When I question my life or ask myself what I'm worth or what I'm doing, instead of reaching for those pithy answers of mattering to at least one person, thinking of all the people who have poured into my life and thinking of the people who I have influence and who I chase...those are reasons to pursue life to the last breath. People, relationships, the ones we love--they're the reason to do it all.

Faith, my faith is about people. God isn't some being who just sits up in the clouds and watches us without carrying...God is our lives, and so that's our model...we need to love people around us, if that's what we genuinely believe in. Instead of acting with act or intolerance, we need to act with love and grace.

Despite the fact that we'll argue, fight, that we'll feel rage and hatred toward people we claim to love...despite the fact that we mis-communicate and it's struggle to make things work... despite the fact that love isn't easy... Despite all those things, it's worth it. If I struggle for the rest of my life with loving people, I will struggle happily, knowing that the fight to love someone is worth it all.

Love will make you beautiful.

Boredom! (thank you, Amy!)

So, you like someone.

Not particularly. There is someone I really really REALLY want to do though.

Okay, let’s get real deep. Will you tell me the truth or lies?

Truth is always the answer.

Does your hair smell good?

Yep...Just showered a few hours ago.

Is your phone right next to you, or at least close by?

Work phone to the left, cell phone sitting on the computer in front of me. On silent.

Hugs or Drugs?

Hugs > drugs, but drugs make me wanna hug. ;)

I forgot to ask, what’s your name?

Silly rabbit.

Red, Blue and White reminds you of what?

The Dutch flag.

What is better: cute smile, or amazing eyes?

It's hard to say...Eye can be hidden behind glasses sadly, but nothing can hide a brilliant smile.

When was the last time you went to the mall?

Last Wednesday.

Do you like Wal-Mart?

Not particularly. I do go there every once in a while to get stuff like tights and socks and DVDs, but I'm not a huge fan.

Is your phone a touch screen?

No, it's...I don't really know what you'd call it. It's a bar flip phone kinda.

Are you bored right now?

Yesss...almost always bored at work.

Do you have siblings?

Loads.

Is it hot where you live?

The apartment is extremely overheated. I have my window open through winter.

The weather outside--chilly. I hate winter.

What did you have for breakfast?

Some reheated Shepherd's Pie.

Are you happier today or three months ago?

Umm...I would actually say three months ago for several reasons. It was summer still, I had lots of friends around, things were generally better with my family...

Anybody tell you they miss you lately?

Two of my friends...one who is currently in school in B.C. and is coming home in 23 days...and one who I haven't seen a couple weeks but lives only 7 minutes away.

Anything you want right now?

Lasagna and a deep sleep.

Who are you closer to Mother or Father?

Neither. I hold both at arms length for personal sanity.

Is there someone that makes you happy whenever you see or talk to them?

My good friend Emily Wild never fails to make my eyes crinkle.

Do you think you could ever decide a tattoo design if you chose to get one?

Could and have twice already, and soon there will be a third!

Have you ever had a crush on someone "too young" for you?

Aha. No.

Do you think you could forgive someone for cheating on you?

Maybe forgive them, but trust them? Probably not. It would take a LONG time and a lot of healing.

How long have you been in your current relationship?

N/A [sad5]

Do you still talk to the person who hurt you the most in life?

No? That would be stupid.

Do you trust people easily?

No, not really. I mean, I'm a fairly open book, but to really sit down and have a heart-to-heart? Not so much.

Do you currently have a lot of drama in your life?

Sorta. Family issues and work stuff basically.

Are you currently stressed out about anything?

Family issues and work stuff, lolz.

Do you know anyone that's a stripper?

Nope.

Who was the last person you told to shut up?

Oh man, I actually haven't told anyone to shut up in a long time...I can't even think of the last person.

Do you believe in giving second chances?

Yeah, we all will require one before we exit this life, so I'd say we should all give them.

Is anyone angry with you at the moment?

My mom definitely. That's about it.

What's the last song you heard?

Change of Seasons - Sweet Thing

Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

I feel greatly altered, and that's all I can really say.

Is life getting better or worse?

It is what it is, honestly. Sometimes it sucks the big one, and sometimes it's glorious. C'est la vie.

How many text messages are in your inbox?

313.

If someone warns you about someone, do you listen?

It depends on who the person is that is warning me, and what their possible motivations may be.

Usually I like to make my own judgement on people though.

Is the last person you kissed mad at you?

Um, I don't think so. He barely knows me so I don't know why he'd be mad...

Did you stand on your tippy-toes for your last kiss?

Haha, yeah, in fact I did! That's what happens when you're barely 5'4" and he's 6'3".

Your last text say?

"even on the elevator with me"

Is the last person you hugged older than you?

I can't remember the last person that I just hugged. I think my dad hugged me a couple weeks ago.

Have you ever gotten to the point w/ someone where you've said "I'm done "?

Yeah, but I find that when I say that, I usually am just speaking in a fit of rage, and I'm not actually done.

Is there a girl that you truly hate?

Honestly, no. True hate is a waste of time and effort...but there are people I despise.

Last time someone said I love you to you?

My friend on Facebook a couple days ago.

Would your parents care if you came home at 12 A.M.?

Ha, suck it! I love living on my own! And I don't even come home anymore.

Can you commit to one person?

I used to think I just wanted to settle down, but I kinda like the excitement of getting out there and meeting new people...

Eventually though, yes.

Your sister tells you she's in jail, what do you say?

"I'll be right over. What's the bail set at?"

How did you feel when you woke up today?

Like shit. I got maybe four hours of interrupted sleep last night.

Is someone on your mind right now?

He's always on my mind because I'm a bit obsessive and I just want to have my way with him, dammit!

What were the last words you spoke?

Talking on the phone to my co-worker about moving patients around from room to room.

Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?

I hope so. It would be nice to settle down eventually...get a bit more stable.

Who was the last person you talked to in person?

I'm at work, so my co-workers...over and over..and over....

Have you ever received a fine?

Speeding ticket...I'm still traumatized about it.

Has anyone upset you in the last week?

Yes, for sure. A few people actually.

A guy, because they're stupid and confusing.

My parents, because they're so dogmatic and hurtful.

My sister, because she won't listen to my words of advice.

Are you afraid of falling in love?

"Love is really nothing but a dream that keeps waking me"
I love John Mayer.

When someone walks out of your life, do you go after them or let them go?

Depends, like Amy said, on why they left and who they are.

Is there someone you want to be with right now?

Hell yes.......

Do you think the legal drinking age should be changed?

Hell no!

How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?

Hardly ever.

Have you ever been called a bad influence?

HAHAHAHA. Yes.

Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?

Who hasn't??

Does the future make you more nervous or excited?

Nervous...

Have you ever met someone who turned out to be amazing?

Lots of people and they are just awesome to discover. It's such a great feeling to find a kindred spirit.

Do you like the color of your eyes?

Yep, beautiful grey/blue.

Could you go out in public looking like you do now?

In work scrubs and huge curly hair? Sure why not?

Has someone put their arm around you in the past 5 days?

Yes. I love friends.

Where will you be 2 hours from now?

Here at work. Damn.

When was the last time you held hands with someone?

October 1, laying in bed with intertwined fingers. If only we could rewind time and relive moments.

What are you currently listening to?

A doctor talking about giving meds per rectum.

"Dan"

The strangest coincidence...

I wrote in my last 750 words that I had an odd dream about this guy who I used to have a thing for years and years ago.

I remember that summer clearly. We had just moved into the neighbourhood and found out that there was a small soccer league that was being run by an even smaller local Baptist church. My parents thought it would be a good idea to get us working with them, keep up busy and help us make new friends in the community, so off we went to this church, meeting new people and helping out with the soccer league that was run every Tuesday night. (Not only that, they also did a summer camp for the poverty stricken kids in the community who would not otherwise be able to afford camp.)

The sheer amount of time we spent in the back of that church, working on crafts, sitting and talking with the kids, playing games and then settling down for long talks with each other after the kids had come home...countless hours, really.

At that point I feel my siblings and I were still very very sheltered. We hadn't been exposed to normal things that any other teen and pre-teen would know about. We hadn't even heard of U2, much to the consternation of Dan, the guy that I'm thinking of in particular.

Dan was so different from everyone else I knew back then, and I was immediately enamoured. I suppose he was flattered by that. Even though he was, at that time, dating another girl from the church, (who I also liked very much), we spent quite a bit of time together, flirting, I guess. I remember at one point a large water fight breaking out after camp hours between the leaders. I ran into the girls bathroom and stood behind the door, and he being over six feet casually reached up and tipped a bucket of water over the top of the door and soaked me.

And so the summer commenced. At the back of my mind the whole time was this knowledge that when summer came to a close, we would no longer see each other. I panicked, tried to hang onto every single moment, treasuring every look and every word that we exchanged. One day when I was working at the local library he came in, wandered through the aisles of books, browsing the titles, while I knew he wasn't a reader. The only thing he would read was a guitar magazine, as he sat cross legged on the cool hardwood floor in the gym, strumming the strings and humming American Pie.

Dan opened up possibilities in the world for me. Before I met him I saw everything in strict black and white, being taught that there was no such thing as a grey scale with regards to life. Situational ethics were non-existent in the world view that my parents had taught me. In some ways I still view certain issues as a black and white, but I've come to the realization that life isn't that simple, and Dan was one of those people who led me down the path to that knowledge.

Some memories are so clear, etched deep into the recesses of your brain. I can still smell that summer, the sunscreen and musty kitchen. I remember the hundreds of plastic cups we washed by hand every day. The surprisingly cold water that came from the fountain beside the bathrooms. Laying stretched out across the couches upstairs above the gym, looking down at the people playing HORSE. Sitting outside on the grass discussing life plans. Running across the fields with the kids. Carrying out the heavy goal posts to set them up in the playing areas. Laughing until my stomach hurt over silly little things.

Eventually summer ended, as everything does. I went to my aunt's for a weekend, and I lay outside in her hammock, unable to eat or do anything, except be still and think about everything that had happened and how it was over and I was the only person who cared, as always.

Time wore on. I picked up the phone one day, tracing my finger down the columns in the phone book...picked it up and dialed his number, awkwardly make small talk for about three minutes, invited him to come hang out, and he said, maybe. But he never showed up and I cried for days on end, the breaking apart from another person almost splitting me apart. So emotionally attached to someone who could blink his eyes and chase me away without a second thought, passing me to the back of his mind as smoothly as tossing back a glass of water.

The strangest coincidence...I moved on from him, continuing to grow and change, and he slowly faded away to being a dusty person in my history, someone in the past who I thought of every once in a while but no longer dwelled on, no longer dreamed about, no longer cried over. He became the first guy who moved me so deeply, the first guy who I could imagine myself falling into for the rest of my life.

And then a few weeks ago he found me on Facebook and added me. I was with Sarah after a long night of drinking and my cellphone alerted with a Facebook text...Dan wants to be friends with you on Facebook...and the world kinda shifted for a split second as I was thrown back to that summer years and years ago, back to when I was innocent and no one had touched my life or broken me.

I sat in contemplation and later that day approved the request. Nothing world stopping occurred. He didn't send me a message or comment on my photos or statuses. That was that.

Two nights ago I dreamed of him. I was with two people and we were in a hotel. Somehow he was there, standing in the room trying to catch my eye, but I turned away and refused to look at him, as if ashamed of him in front of my two friends, and he just stood there...waiting for me to see him. Startled I woke up from this lucid dream.

Today I went out for a bit and stopped at a store to look for a DVD. He walked right past me with a customer service worker and I looked away quickly, afraid of something. What was I afraid of? Myself? How he would look at me? Reliving the past? I walked out of the store flustered, unable to think clearly, turned the car key, and glancing up saw him walking past my car.

Some people, events, things, choices...they impact us so deeply, change us so thoroughly, there's nothing we can do to change that. Time doesn't change it, new people we meet won't change it. History has been written, whatever happened happened, and all we can do is accept it and move on.

Song for Me

I believe there's one song that seems like it was written JUST for us. And this is mine:

Beautiful Disaster - Jon McLaughlin

She loves her mama's lemonade, hates the sound that goodbyes make

She prays someday she'll find someone to need her

She swears that there's no difference between the lies and compliments

It's all the same if everybody leaves her

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough--

the pictures that she sees makes her cry

She would change everything, everything just ask her

Caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster

She just needs someone to take her home

She's giving boys what they want, trying to act so nonchalant

Afraid they'll see she's lost her direction

She never stays the same for long, assuming that she'll get it wrong

Perfect only in her imperfections

She's not a drama queen, she doesn't want to feel this way

Only seventeen and tired

She would change everything for happy ever after

Caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster

She just needs someone to take her home

Cause she's just the way she is but no one's told her that's okay

She would change everything, everything just ask her

Caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster

She would change everything for happy ever after

Caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster

She just needs someone to take her home

Fact of Life

I was beginning to write a glowingly bitter diatribe about the laziness and negativity of my co-workers...how they fail to find a single positive thing to say over the twelve hours that they work...how they seem to believe that I have am working in my job position to personally service each and every single one of them, as they are unable to place a sticker on their patient flow sheets all by themselves...how they predict doom and gloom about our workplace ("You just wait and see...things aren't going to get better...they're just going to get worse and worse, like everything in life!")...how they gossip and natter about each other behind their backs, but pretend to be best friends face to face... I have pleasantly surprised myself by managing to cope with working among them for the past three years. Admittedly, I do find myself altered, which was unavoidable, I suppose. I cuss like a sailor, engage in rants about the failings of our manager, and discuss the oddities of some nurses I work with. However, I do all those things at home or at certain co-workers houses. Unlike the ones who sit in the break room and discuss the personal lives of other co-workers while on lunch, I save those chats for moments when I'm laying on my co-workers living room floor, dangerously close to the fireplace, drunkenly expounding on the fucked up mannerisms and behaviour of those I work with.
And so that is what I love about getting drunk. It knocks all those irritations from my brain and makes me feel calm and centered. All the useless thoughts are eradicated, and the most pressing need is the bathroom, or the desire to make out with someone. There is this strange clarity when drunk...that I'm not that bad looking, that someone might find me desirable, that the things I worry about aren't really worth fretting over, and that things will just somehow work out, regardless of what the current situation is. The current situation isn't good--who knows how long I have until I am financially destitute, but this morning when I woke up from my troubled and restless sleep (again), I felt that something had clicked overnight, and I feel much better than I have this entire week. I feel like Marcia has woken up, and I'm walking around in my body that is MINE, not a body that I am temporarily possessing.
So even though my co-workers hear about my drunken stories and call me a lush or a weekend alcoholic, they have no idea that they're one of the reasons we (myself and a selective group of co-workers) indulge in spirits so frequently. They probably have no idea, because they are so self-centered and selfish. It doesn't matter though...what matters is that we find a way to deal with work and with life, and sometimes that does unfortunately mean avoidance...avoidance to give oneself a mental break from the realities of life. I have no idea what this is all about. I guess I'm trying to reason why I've become a drinker, but when it comes down to it, I don't feel I need to explain it...I drink because I like to. I drink because it makes me feel brave and beautiful. I drink because I have a good time. I drink because I can forget about all the shit that people dump on me through the work week. So in the words of P!nk:

Raise your glass if you are wrong, in all the right ways
All my underdogs, we will never be, never be anything but loud,
and nitty gritty dirty little freaks won't you come on, and come on, and raise your glass

It's Halloween this weekend, so I plan on raising my glass at a wild costume party, during which I will be completely sloshed and hopefully enjoying myself among friends. Let the wild partying and temporary break from sanity commence. The co-workers can bitch and complain all they want about the crazy ways of the young kids they work with...but whatever. You can't please everyone, and that's an important lesson that I am still learning from life.

Oh the other lesson---words of my brother echoed in my head today. No matter how much you change your body (whether in an effort to live healthier or to look more aesthetically pleasing), you'll never be 100% content with how you look. You'll always find some flaw in your body that you wish could be changed. I'm not sure how those words of wisdom make me feel. A little happy that I can relax and try to appreciate my body for what it is, in whatever stage it currently dwells in. A little sad that I'll always struggle with self esteem and self worth. A lot relieved that I'm not the only person who avoids mirrors.

(Note: this entry is from Oct. 30/10)

Lies

"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive"

We practice to deceive in many ways through out our lives. Mainly, I think we try to deceive people around us to some extent, whether it's intentionally or through omission. We might just choose to keep certain things to ourselves because we're afraid of how people may treat us; we might purposely deceive people because we want them to see us in a certain light or have a certain image of us; we might lie because we're ashamed of who we are or what we do. There are many many reasons why we practice to deceive. There is not a single person on this earth that has not at some point in time lied about one thing in their lives or about themselves.

But...there's a difference between lying to other people and lying to ourselves. Even though it's a dangerous habit to fall into, deceiving people--mainly because it does come back around and you normally get caught in your deception--it seems to me that it would be even more dangerous to build up a life of lying to yourself about who you are or what you want.

And it's the easiest lie of all of them...to close your eyes and just pretend that what is so blatantly in front of you isn't really there. It's like a child, wishing away a monster, except that we're not children, and the monster is something unavoidable that we inevitably must face.

So what is the lie that you are facing or attempting to ignore?

I realized today while leaning against the elevator wall and rising from one to four that I'm lying to myself about many things, but mainly this one thing: what I want from a relationship/life.

I've told myself (and others) over and over again that I don't want a boyfriend, I don't want a long term relationship, I just want someone that I can pounce on and have my way with, that the physical satisfaction is more than enough for me, that I can make it by as long as I have someone I can randomly meet up with and enjoy.

But again, on the elevator today, ignoring the weird fluttering in my stomach that accompanies the ride, I closed my eyes and flashed back to Oct 1, the night that I feel I became a woman, and instead of instantly remembering the heady orgasms, I immediately think of laying on my side with his arms wrapped around my chest and his feet intertwined with mine, bodies pushed tight against each other, physically impossible to get any closer. And then rolling over slowly kissing each other while still tangled in each other, and feeling so safe and secure, as though waves could come crashing down on me but being in his arms would somehow shelter and save me.

The realization? No, the physical stuff isn't enough--not even close. I can wish that it would be...I can wish that it would satisfy me completely instead of leaving me yearning, desiring more, but it isn't enough. It's just a taste, a tease, a promise of what should come instead of being fulfilling and satisfactory. So I lie to myself and make a promise that it's going to be okay, that enough of these endeavours will keep me happy and busy, but standing exhausted in the elevator after a night of tossing and turning and refusing to face the truth, there it comes, washing over me like a cold shower, the brisk reality--this just isn't enough.

It might just squeak me by the long winter months, but there it is--the lie. The lie that I will be completely happy with just the bare minimum, the random hook ups. The lie that I don't need to be loved, that I don't need to be told that I'm beautiful or smart or witty. The lie that purely physical relationships are going to be enough.

None of it is enough. Nothing can truly satisfy you...not the most mind blowing sex, not the kindest words from a stranger, not the ambitions that slowly come true. We're all just empty jars, walking around, a bit broken open, needing to be filled by something or someone, and until we find that answer, we feel acutely the emptiness and the need.

So here we are, running around like crazy, trying to hide who we are, fake behind beautiful exteriors, and it's exhausting. We're making all these grand attempts to convince ourselves of something that deep down we know is a lie. It's such a waste of time and effort, and yet we struggle on and on, forcing ourselves into believing these pretty little lies.

Here's to truth. Let it explode.

Self thoughts

Even though I recently wrote about attempting to be more grateful for my life circumstances, I find that very hard to live out.

I believe the main reason why I'm so unhappy and ungrateful for my current situation is because I feel alone most of the time. I hope that with the moving in of "S", things will be better, but really...she isn't going to be able to fill the need to be loved by a man.
Somehow that has been my whole life aspiration--to find someone who will love me unconditionally and make babies with them.

I have changed significantly since the years when I felt that need so acutely. I find I'm happier with who I am right now and with the choices I have made, but every once in a while it sneaks up on me...

The fear that one day I will wake up at the age of thirty or forty something and realize I am alone. No one loves me like a man loving a woman, and I may as well pack it in.

That is a rather ridiculous statement...there are many people who have remained single their entire lives, and they are content and happy with that fact. However, perhaps I'm just an extremely different person than them, but I seek the approval of people around me, and I need to be verified through the knowledge that a man finds me attractive and loves me enough to commit to a life time with me.

It's as though--knowing that someone loves me that much makes me feel like I'm finally worth something. Knowing that someone is willing to spend their entire lives connected to my sometimes neurotic behaviour is a beautiful idea...

But as so many people tell me over and over again...seeking approval from people around me isn't the answer to finding ultimate self worth. It's accepting who I am, my talents, my failures, the way I look...accepting those attributes and then figuring out how to work with what I have...that's what promotes a healthy sense of self worth.

Honestly, it boggles my mind how some people have such a strong, almost narcissistic view of themselves. What makes you so great? Do you have simply amazing hair that puts Rob Pattinson's messy shag cut to shame? Are you unbelievably proficient at playing a musical instrument? Do you possess artistic talents? What makes you such an amazing person?

Perhaps because I focus overall on the negative aspects of life, I then also focus on the negative aspects in myself, and fail to recognize anything that has the possibility to flourish and grow. I tend to see the mistakes that I make, the blemishes on my face, the thoughtless things I say, more than I see the talent or the beauty in myself.

In fact, when people compliment me on something, anything, I feel very uncomfortable and tend to ward off those compliments. They just seem like lies because I can't accept them as truths.

So perceiving this issue as what it is--a problem--should in some ways make it easier for me to remedy it, but unfortunately that is not necessarily the case. Even though you can "know thyself", I do not find that standing outside of yourself and looking in, looking and reviewing all your existing complaints will necessarily help you know how to fix it. I know that I need to somehow boost my sense of self worth, but where exactly am I supposed to start with that? How do you move from one mindset to a completely different one?

It's a huge endeavour, but it's also, I believe, necessary. I need to find a way to be happier with who I am, or it won't matter where I go or what I do or who I end up with...I will still be unhappy with myself. Seeking the approval of people around me might work temporarily, but as a long term plan...not so much.

Thinking and worrying over this conundrum probably isn't helpful for my anxiety either, but there it is...c'est la vie. We are who we are, and continual self exploration may assist in making us more open to change, but we still inherently are the same person. I'm Marcia, the girl who was fat and who still is fat inside. I'm surprised when guys look at me, I'm surprised when people compliment me on something, and I'm surprised when I look in the mirror and for a split second don't recognize myself.

Let's say...let's hope for the new year which is approaching at a scary speed...let's hope that I can find the girl who isn't afraid of what people think of her and who doesn't live seeking approval.

I love to ramble.

Another day passed by, and not sure what to make of it.

Woke up after another restless night, although I managed to fall into a deeper sleep later in the morning, and slept in until 11 something. I woke up feeling much more rested, had a shower, and then answered a knock on my door--my sister coming over to help clean out my second bedroom.

As, you see, she will be moving into that room, probably this coming weekend. We cleared out a garbage ball full of stuff, moved out my bookshelf, and now I must simply organize through all my papers and get this computer desk moved out into the living room.

How do I feel about having someone else live with me now? A little bit safer and more at ease, although now more aware of the fact that I can't have any potential boys over in case she hear some noise or see something.

But altogether I am happy about the decision, although it feels unreal. I can't believe I will be having her living with me in the next seven days, and that we will be grocery shopping together and sharing the shower and bathroom...so much change in such a short amount of time. It's almost unbelievable/hard for me to take in.

So I'm sitting here and listening to "Time" by Hans Zimmer, a piece of music from Inception, and am not sure what else to say.

Guys..always on my mind. I think about them all the time, although no specific one. I think about how I'd like to roll around with them in a bed, and kiss their beautiful lips and strong necks, run my hands through their hair and explore their bodies like a cartographer etching out a map. It's true enough--with regards to very certain things, once you start down that road, it's impossible to turn back up it or to rewind back to a time where you have never grabbed onto someone, held onto them as if for dear life, and kissed them so hard you gasp for breath after.

There's something about physical intimacy and longing...desire is what seems to embody us. We all desire different things, and I'm starting see and believe that along with love and hate, desire is as inherent to us as the need for water and food.

Mother Theresa said that people are dying lack of food, but all over the world even more are dying for a little bit of love.

Anyway, desire and love are two different things (as I have quickly learned recently) so let me not get into a tangent about love, but lust and wanting someone is so easy. Actually, wanting anything is just easy. My parents have always taught me that desire and lust are wrong because it's just giving into what you want, and sometimes that means disregarding the harmful consequences that can follow.

I guess they're right to some extent...but I also feel that since I've repressed those things for so long, now they're just screaming to get out.

(For some reason my left thumb is burning and has been doing so for the past couple hours. My body really is falling apart.)

But other than the moving things out of the bedroom and the moving things out of my world perspective, not much else has happened. Sister and I (I shall call her "S" for her own anonymity and as that is her initial) went to a second hand store to see if we could find any bookshelves or filing cabinets, but no luck. We stopped by Walmart briefly to get a card for my brother (who turned 19 today), and then we went to a cafe and talked briefly while I drank a chai latte and she drank a smoothie.

Sometimes doing those things, I realize, 'Wow this is it...this is what adults do. I'm officially an adult', and that always startles me for some reason. Maybe I live my life acting like a child, or maybe I am too babied, but it does surprise me that I do what I want and I go where I want...That's the beauty of being an independent adult. "S" will quickly realize that when she moves out this weekend.

And something else. I was browsing through Facebook recently (two days ago to be precise) and I stumbled across a friend I have on my Facebook that never updates their Facebook, so they never show up on my feed, lalala...just one of those people you have as a friend that you forget about.

Except I'm surprised I've "forgotten" about him, considering that just over a year ago I spent hours crying and diagnosing our friendship, praying and hoping that he would consider me to be more than a friend, hoping that one day I would be good looking enough for him, convinced that we were a perfect match. I literally did spend hours crying over him, as he took my heart and played with it, lifting me high up and then crashing down to the very bottom.

Here he is in this new profile picture, with his girlfriend...they've been dating for a few months now, and he looks just as wonderful and handsome as before, and I sit here and stare at the picture for a few seconds, and a tear somehow just drops down my cheek. I'm surprised to feel the wetness on my face, because I was so sure that it meant nothing any more, that he faded into the past, along with all the other guys that I've freely handed my heart to, only to be so hurt and broken after.

Do we ever really heal?