moving on

Let there be ease, comfort and light.

Perhaps not ease just yet. Sihaam and I moved four car loads of stuff from the old apartment to the new last night. It was such a feeling of accomplishment when we stood in the hallway of the old apartment and looked at the blank white walls and the empty rooms, surrounded by memories.

She slid to the floor exhausted and played "Goodbye" by Plankeye on her iTouch while I leaned against the door jamb of what had been my bedroom for the past year and a half and thought of all the comings and goings that room has seen.

Me, by myself for the first year and such, crying the first night, alone in my apartment for the first time. Eventually adjusting to living a solitary life and spending time frolicking on the bed with Mr Cat, he joyfully attempting to catch my fingers as I play cat-and-mouse with him. The sunshine spilling in through the wide windows, waking up late on weekends during the summer and soaking in the warmth.

The tears of being alone, the sadness and fear while dealing with anxiety attacks...Buying more and more clothes, the room becoming stuffed full of dresses, shirts, pants...the whole nine yards.

And then thinking about the first night with this Guy, the second night...and so on. At first I counted each day and each time that we spent together, keeping a tally of how many times we've had sex, wanting to hang on to each and every moment we've had together. I'm more relaxed now, trusting that there will be more times together instead of constantly worrying that our tenth hang out will be our last. I couldn't tell you how many times we've kissed or touched or slept together and that makes me happy inside...the calmness over whatever we are.

One time we sat on the floor by the coffee table in the living room area and ate Chinese, watching a kids movie and laughing, drinking beer until I lay down on the ground and slowly drifted away from being so tired. We get up and go to bed, intertwined with each other.

And I remember that morning to clearly when we talked about our future or our lack of definition, crying and being so afraid to commit to anything...and the sushi night where I finally confronted my fears and told him how I felt...admitting that I had begun caring more than I should...sobbing into my pillow while he tried to put his arm around me, so unsure of what to do...

The bedroom, my old room, it never felt real, it was never serving it's purpose until I started sharing it with someone, even for just one night a week. That's when I truly started to feel alive, as though I have finally woken up...and I'm glad that I was able to leave the apartment with such happy and fresh memories of experiences that have changed me utterly.

For he is such an inherent part of my life now, as though we've known each other for years and years even though it hasn't been two months. A life without our friendship seems like such a strange concept and that feeling scares and moves me. We're...we are what we are...I hardly know how to explain it, but we relate to each other so deeply and I think with excitement of when I will see him next...

I love sitting beside him and holding his hand. I love how when I take my hand away or move away he reaches over and pulls me back to him. I love the physical comfort between us. I love when we just look at each other with understanding and affection. I love the talks and I love the long silent spaces in between.

Sihaam sits and thinks about her times with Eric...the apartment being the first place he told her that he loves her...their play fights, their movie nights, their make out sessions... It's so strange how our memories seem so physically bound up in places and spaces that we occupy. It's as though our milieu becomes so much a part of us, perhaps we leave behind wisps and ghosts of all those strong emotional connections, which whisper to the people that come behind us.

We shut off the hallway light and glance around the living room for the last night...it finally seems big enough when it's emptied of all our things. I remember sleep overs with the girls, the first time moving in, surfing the Internet, watching movies with people, tea parties, chasing Mr Cat around the apartment...Sihaam and I having a dance off in front of Eric...drinking nights with Dave, smoking with Gary and Doug...

I'm glad to move on to a new and bigger place, but I'll always have fond memories of that old apartment.