Some people are just so anti-surprises. They like to know everything that comes at them, like to be able to predict the outcome of situations around, like to have handle on everything around them.
I guess I'm kinda like that in a way. I feel I have to know what's going to come my way, because somehow I think that will enable me to deal with the troubles and issues in a better manner. I convince myself that I won't be able to cope with whatever problems unless I can prepare for them.
But the truth is, I can't prepare myself for everything that life throws at me, and sometimes the best response is the unplanned one. Like at your birthday when none of your friends seem to care that you've turned a year older, but then you show up at a restaurant to meet one of them and one turns into four or five with helium balloons and a giant card. Those kind of things just bring so much happiness and clearly that level of happiness would be diminished if I knew ahead of time what was coming.
Why am I so reluctant to allow myself to live in and enjoy each moment then? Why are so many people like me? Why do we feel the need to control what happens around us or to us?
I'm slowly learning to let go and allow things to move cohesively and with the natural flow of life. Unless you're a planner like me, you have no idea how difficult it can be to change in this manner. I guess people are either really easy going and don't worry about life and the future, or they're uptight and anal retentive like me. Anyway, like I said, it's so hard for me to just be calm about people and situations around me. It's difficult for me to tamp down my feelings and keep words in my mouth. It's hard for me to let people into my life without any promises or guarantees from them.
But the pros outweigh the cons. The pros are meeting new people and experiencing things that would otherwise go missing. The cons are putting your heart on the line and possibly being rejected or left behind, but the pros! The pros are all consuming and make my heart flitter, my stomach dance restlessly, my brain wander off into stupors of memories and hopes.
Everything is life is a gamble, especially relationships. You never know what hand you'll get, what you'll play with or what you'll play against. Everything is a risk. The lack of predictability scares and excites me. I hope it reaches you too.