love, Valentine's Day, tears

I've been thinking about love quite frequently lately. I guess it's always one of those things swirling about at the back of my mind, permeating my subconscious, but recently I've been thinking about it more intentionally. I mean, we all love certain people in our lives and we find ways to express it to them. With Valentine's Day just passed (whether we choose to celebrate it or not), we guaranteed spent some time thinking about people in our lives who are special to us.

One of the things about love that I worry about is how sometimes it can just be emotion driven instead of a commitment and choice that we make. In fact, I would almost say that the only people in our lives who we will love regardless of whether we opt to or not is our family. Blood connections are just that deep...but other people who pass through our journey in life...to love them is a choice that we make on a daily basis, but perhaps that makes the love that much more special instead of denigrating it.

Anyway, that is my biggest concern: that my feelings dictate who I feel I love or care deeply about. I remember someone once telling me that emotions should be the caboose of our trains, not the engine. Our feelings shouldn't drive us, shouldn't lead us to make certain choices, but inevitably they will. That's what happens when you're human--you made stupid or great choices and sometimes it seems as though we're just tossing a coin in the air and watching it flip and fall back down, crossing our fingers and hoping for heads or tails.

I didn't get hung up on Valentine's Day at all this year. The day started out poorly with having to deal with a doctor's appointment that set me off on an crying spree. I wasn't even told any bad news--I just talked to my doctor about a few situations I went through in the summer and started crying in front of him. I cried when I walked out of the office, cried while sitting in my car in the parking lot. Cried driving to the Shopper's to get a script filled. Cried sitting in the parking lot at the Shopper's. Went back to the apartment, sat on this very chair and cried for at least an hour. My sister looked at me with some concern and stood leaning against the doorway jamb.

"PMS..." I said, which is actually true. I wish I could control my emotional response during that time but it's impossible. The hormones and the body just gets so messed up.

But the best part is yet to come, as with so many things in life. The day started out crappy with me feeling like I'm this temporary person who barely matters, and then after 9 pm, the person I needed to see the most, My Person knocked on my door, sat with me on the couch and watched episodes of The Office which cheered me up, held my hand and touched my cheek which made me feel beautiful, talked easily to my sister and her boyfriend, and later patiently let me cry and talk about how I felt without getting awkward or squirmy as so many guys will.

I guess his acceptance of me is what I cherish the most. His calm and balanced personality that brings me to reality, his smile which crinkles his eyes...

I hope whoever is reading this isn't vomiting from how sugary and sappy this entry is getting. All I'm trying to say is that love or even just like is a powerful thing. If only the entire world could get on board with the notion of loving or liking each other. Valentine's Day might be less abhorrent to certain individuals if love wasn't just considered a non-platonic thing. Who knows what this person will mean to me in a few weeks or a few months...I'll still have love in my life, from one person or another and that's what it's all about.

Love shouldn't be put in a box and defined as one precise thing. It's all around us, in us, we exude it, we need it, we give it and sometimes receiving it can be hard...but there it is. Happy belated Valentine's Day. I never thought a day I spent in tears would end so happily (and sexily but I'll just keep that part to myself).