And the watch word of the day:
I think that's the most apt description of how I have been feeling lately.
There's still boxes of books, movies, mementos, dishes...just things...at the old apartment. We have six days left to move everything and I'm working days straight this week. Sihaam and I constantly have conflicting schedules, so we never seem to be able to find a time where we can go back to the old place together and pack up a car load. I got a call from the old superintendent this past week, asking me when I was going to drop off the key...
...Um, when there's absolutely nothing left in the apartment...
Long awkward pause...Which reminds me, I still have to somehow take down the curtains that I hung up so long ago. And how will I do that without having anything to stand on and reach with? Sometimes I think I have a curse of doing things backward for whatever reason.
So there's that...general pressure while considering the sheer amount of items we still need to move. I kinda wonder how much we really need those things if we haven't missed them through this past week of living without...but we all have trappings and baggage that we carry around with us through life.
Speaking of baggage, it has become more and more apparent to me that personal issues I have are affecting the relationships that are in my life. I'm so mistrusting of people, questioning their motives, wondering if they're as transparent and honest as they appear to be, afraid that they're playing games with me. Most of the time, almost all the time actually, the people in these relationships (whether it's friendship, family, or non-platonic) haven't done anything to merit these suspicions I have of them. I simply find it difficult to relax and let go, to trust the people around me, believe that they won't intentionally hurt me, and allow things to happen...
Like I said, it's affected relationships I'm in, one in particular. I feel terrible because he's calm, relaxed, easy going, generally a righteous dude, and I'm crazy. I want more and more and more, probably more than I have a right to, and when he reasonably tries to explain that he's busy with work and can't spend time with me, I don't immediately think,
'I wish our work schedules coincided better'.
Being a crazy person, I think,
'He doesn't really want to see me and he's using work as an excuse to relegate me to a weekend relationship that doesn't infringe on his personal space because he doesn't want to let me fully into his life but at the same time he likes me so he's conflicted and isn't sure what to do yet he opts to put me on the back burner and doesn't care to prioritize me higher in his list of things to do or people to see and it's probably because I'm not good enough for him or don't interest him..."
And so it runs on and on, and yes I realize how counter productive and negative those thoughts. I guess I can't wrap my mind around this which is why I'm so overwhelmed, this being:
He likes me.
So we sit on his bed in his room and look at each other and I feel turmoil inside, growing and growing, restlessness and fear gnawing away at me, but mostly it's just that I'm overwhelmed with the strength of my feelings and with the concept that he likes me back. The fear seems to magnify and grow the more time that I spend with him, because the stakes are getting higher and higher. The more we get to know each other and appreciate each other, the more I care, the deeper the feelings grow, the more afraid I am that he'll disappear, walk out my door and never come back, get bored or annoyed with me...
I'm overwhelmed by it all. I can't compartmentalize like some people...I can't put him in a drawer in the back of mind and take a break from him. I'm trying to push this to be something, but I know it already is meaningful. What more do I want?
He knows, sitting across from me, that I'm struggling with something internally and he looks at me with concern in his eyes. I grow even more overwhelmed with the idea that he can already sense my moods, look into my eyes and see how I feel, read me like a book, and I'm scared, terrified, frightened, afraid, that he'll look deeper and deeper and then turn away and run, leave.
Fear is a dark abyss and it pulls you in.
"Don't be scared," he whispers gently, laying beside me on the bed. He touches his nose to mine and smiles, the corners of his eyes crinkling up.
He doesn't want me to be unhappy and he's unsure of what to do or say but he doesn't understand that I'm not unhappy. I'm so full of happiness and contentment when I'm with him that I feel as though I could explode like a firework and shoot across a deep velvety rich blue evening sky.
I'm happy, I'm overwhelmed by the happiness, I'm afraid it's going to disappear. All these things are so intrinsically interwoven, it feels impossible to pull the emotions apart and act independently of them. I guess all I can do is hope that he'll see past the craziness and know that he makes me happy and all I want is to be with him. We might speak different languages when we communicate...he might not understand that I want to see him more frequently because I'm afraid he'll forget me or I feel that he is distant...but regardless of all that, I know with true certainty that I'll sacrifice my ideals of what a relationship should consist of, I'll learn to be patient, I'll tamp down the emotions that seem to drive me...I'll try so hard because all I want is to be with him.