Monday, 25 April 2011

Happy Belated Easter and yet another Monday...

I worked all weekend.

Nothing, nothing is worse than working when everyone else (or what feels like everyone else) has the weekend off and is out gadding about in the beautiful spring weather while I am stuck inside for a long and boring 9-5 shift through the entire weekend.

Only one thing brought me back to work today...the time and a half incentive. I could barely roll out of bed this morning, feeling tired and generally gross. At least I know I'll be able to sleep in tomorrow....yesterday was probably the worst shift of the entire weekend, getting up early with the knowledge that I have to get up early the next day as well. Exhausting.

What broke up the mundane weekend was my Person staying at my apartment with my dog during the day, leaving me free to work without having to worry about walking back and letting the dog out. He came by the nursing station around four and handed my keys, smiling and saying there was a surprise back at the apartment for me.

I got back to the apartment a bit after five and saw a row of chocolate eggs lined up along the mantelpiece. A single pink wrapped one lay on my pillow, which lay on my neatly made bed, the sheet tucked in between the box spring and mattress, the duvet laid out and smoothed over the bed.

The kitchen, which had been a huge mess for several days, was entirely clean. All the dishes (I think almost every single dish was dirty) were washed and put away in the cupboards. The oven was cleaned, the skillet washed, the counter spotless...

Three eggs in gold wrappers sat on the counter with an index card that read "Happy Easter", a small doodle on the back.

He called me right after I texted him a heart felt thank you and he told me to turn on my computer. My desktop had a new background, a piece of artwork which he had created on his computer, an intricate pattern made just of the word "love".

There's something beautiful about feeling as though you belong with someone. There's something comforting about knowing that there's someone thinking about you and wondering how you are or what you are doing in that moment. There's something wonderful about the realization that someone loves you even in your lowest moments when you're crying, snotting into your pillow, wallowing in self pity.

So even though it's been a long weekend with work, it's also been a great weekend with my good friend, with my lover, with the man I want to be with for a long time...
Sometimes I feel uncertain, as though maybe I'm not the right person for him and that he'll come to that realization very quickly. Mostly I doubt my own ability to maintain a healthy relationship, mainly because I never have before. Anyway, choosing not to dwell on these negative things is going to be my new course of action. Why worry about something that is at least partially out of my control? I know it's my character, it's what I do, but I have to find a way to break away from the negativity and choose to be happy.

Which brings me to another new experience I had this weekend: meeting his grandparents.
Obviously you're always a bit nervous to meet someone's family...even more so with the older members of the family because their opinion seems to matter more and they have more weight with decisions and whatever...I'm not sure why it matters more. Regardless of that theory, he invited me to his small family Easter dinner upon my insistence that I wanted to meet more of his family members. It was just his parents, his brother, his grandparents and us completely different from my family dinners and gatherings.

His grandparents spoke fluent Hungarian and broken English. At one point, after the most delicious and varied meal that I've eaten in a long time, his grandma turned to him and I and said in such a charming manner, "Do you full?" She also somehow managed to make many of her statements sound like sexual innuendos. The best grandma yet.

She's so sassy and approachable, full of a zest for life, an openness to meet new people and accept them into her life and she has such a deep affection for her grandson. For me, it's easy to understand why she loves him so much; he's friendly and kind, warm hearted through and through. Standing on the outside of the family dynamic and looking in, I could see which parent the boys were similar to and to my eyes, he's a male version of his grandma.

She kissed me on both cheeks when I left and said to him, "Be good to her", although I think he was busy and didn't hear. I left the house full and relieved that I hadn't said or done anything that had caused his family to look at me askance. During a few moments I felt as though they were eyeing me, as though I was a foreign object, as though I was a phase that he is going through and would eventually be done with. It was an odd sensation, not entirely enjoyable, but it passed quickly when he sat beside me at the table and rubbed my leg comfortingly, touching my hand, shoulder, leg or back constantly through the entire night.

That night, Friday night, seems so long ago although it's only been four days. My schedule is all confused now due to working through the weekend. I'm going home in an hour to sleep; I feel seriously sleep deprived.

Below, the index card he drew on which is now firmly tucked in my journal for safe keeping.

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