Saturday, 30 July 2011

Fighting on when...

I've never been hurt by someone I really love. I remember once when I was younger, my Mom and Dad telling me in a wildly misguided effort to encourage losing weight, "You'd have such a pretty face if you were thinner..." as if the potential to be good looking was lurking beneath fat and ugliness.

In a way though, you kind of expect your family to fuck you up to some extent.  Everyone around each other for hours, weeks and months start to believe that what they no longer has a lasting or huge effect on each other.  It's as though taking each other for granted somehow makes it easier to withstand harsh criticisms and as though it's suddenly okay to lash out angrily and say hurtful things to inflict maximum damage.

Then suddenly I find myself in this new place where I deeply, with a strong sense of emotion, love someone else.  It's almost that love where you feel as though you would do anything, or try to do anything for that person and it's unavoidably a bit overwhelming...okay, a lot overwhelming even at times.  Anyway, I think back to when we first started "canoodling", spending time together, laying for hours on my bed talking and kissing, making promises to each other...

One of those promises we both repeated several times was: "I'll never hurt you".
In time it changed to: "I never want to hurt you".
Then it was: "I can't promise I won't hurt you".

Now it has become: "I'll probably hurt you but I will always love you".

It's the realistic way that relationships evolve and I know that with my head.  We can't go around have this mushy feelings 100% of the time;  none of those feelings of being enamoured are substantial and they definitely won't see you through the difficult times.

The difficult times... I never thought I'd be able to feel so many strong emotions simultaneously.  I love this person so much, but I also find myself frustrated and so hurt by them and that's what this is all about.

The hurt that accompanies loving someone...because they have the potential to wound you deeper more than anyone else.  You give them your heart, you allow yourself to be vulnerable and open...eventually in consequence, because we're all human, we'll do something to cast doubt or to make the other person feel upset or sad.

It reminds me of the line from P.S. I Love You.  The main character is talking about her deceased husband and how rude she was to him at times, even though she loved she regretted not constantly expressing her love to him, and her friend (the stereotypical wing-woman) says,
"That's what people do in marriage.  They make each other feel like shit."
And while it has a bit of a comedic touch to it *cue canned laughter*, it's kinda true.  You come to learn what drives the person you're with a bit batty and then you sometimes use it against them, as ammunition during a battle.

After a situation I went through with the person I love a couple days ago, I was faced with the unavoidable truth:  that love isn't easy.  Everyone who has been or who is a long term relationship will tell you that and as a single person, you hear what they're saying but you don't truly hear it or believe it.  You nod and listen to their wisdom and opinion on love, but until it's happening to you, you don't grasp the depth of what they mean.

But I'm fighting on when the fighting is hard. Forgiveness is a gift we must learn to give unconditionally, especially considering we will inevitably need it at least once.

Leaving with a pic of Licorice all tuckered out after a day at the beach:

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