Saturday, 10 September 2011

scatterings of thoughts

Hey world,

I'm stuck at work today for another hour and seven minutes.  Tonight is the fabulous SuperCrawl on James St. which I am very much looking forward to.  There's something so pleasing about being able to walk down the middle of a street that is normally flooded with vehicles...blocked off streets make me ridiculously happy.

Last night I had another volley of discussions with M. that led to more openness and understanding between us.  Even though I get impatient and angry that he can't read my mind and say exactly what I need to hear, after each and every one of these disagreements, I find myself happier and more settled, usually having learned one thing about him and one more thing about me... our motivations, our philosophies, our hopes and dreams together and separate...

One of the biggest concerns I have is being with someone who has no personal sense of faith or belief system.  Relativism may seem as though it leads to a happier and more understanding world, but in a way it also opens a door for a severe lack of morals and then in time a lack of order and justice in a wayward society.  I need to be with someone who may not believe the exact same thing as me, but at least has some type of strong belief. 

I realized after our talk that my demands and my feelings are selfish in a way, because I'm only considering what I want from M., what I expect him to tell me.  There was no part of me that tried to understand how afloat he must feel at times, while he attempts to find something to believe in.  In other words:  I find that I lack compassion and understanding when it comes to allowing people to express their feelings and find their way through life.  I'm very demanding at times and want everything to work out as I believe it should.

The more we talk, the more we learn.  I'm slowly becoming more and more aware of character traits and thoughts that I have which aren't positive and tear down instead of build up.  I think it's occasionally because I'm so tired of being the person who has to lay out my morals and ethics and hope that he follows along.  I want someone to tell me what the right thing is to do at times. 

Anyway, after we sat in silence at the very later supper table, he rolled on his chair over to me (we really need to get legit dining room chairs, not these castered computer chairs) and said, "Do you still love me?" with a hint of fear and hope intermingled in his voice.

It was exactly what I needed to hear... The question that he feared would be answered negatively, hoped would be answered positively.  Of course, of course, I still love him.  Even though we disagree or argue about theology or drugs or motivations or social norms, I still love him.   I am coming to understand that love is choosing to be there for him and choosing to stick out the arguments even when things seem dire. 

I talk a lot of my relationship because I worry about it a lot.  Generalized anxiety... The social worker diagnosed me with that on Thursday and gave me a couple assignments to do for our next session in three weeks.  She hopes to show me how to get that anxiety under control, by recording moments when I feel anxious and what I do to talk myself down from it. 

And now, I just feel tired and my hair is exceptionally curly/frizzy today.  I feel calm when I think about M. and the life we have together... It's a whirlwind, a rollercoaster ride, a breath catching string of moments...

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