Thursday, 8 September 2011

and now, briefly

I still am chugging along without having a personal computer at home.  I deeply miss my desktop, which was invaluable for downloading a various assortment of things including the weekly episodes of True Blood.  There's something odd about using another person's computer, even if it's a boyfriend's family laptop.  I wonder if he feels the same way when he uses mine for his work.  Er, feLT the same way when he usED my computer.  It's sitting forlornly, disconnected from a power source... My poor computer.  Yes, I am clearly still mourning my loss. 

The past few days have been tiring.  For one, there has literally been a lack of sleep and secondly, on going issues that I have been facing and dealing with have taken up much of my energies.  Tomorrow I have an appointment booked with a social worker/counselor as per request of my family doctor.  It's nice that he is allotted a certain amount of hours of from OHIP to spend on a social work.  Mental stability and health is as important as physical...those two go hand-in-hand.  Anyway, he asked that I talk to a social worker about the family situation I currently have, thinking it might help me to hear some unbiased opinions and thoughts.

Yes, I feel nervous about it.  No one looks forward to baring their souls about their feelings and their issues, especially not to someone they don't even know.  The biggest concern I have is sounding like a self-pitying twat when I discuss my concerns and anxiety that I seem to carry about with me.

Today there was some sense of impending doom and anxiety again.  I've noticed that it normally follows on the heels of disagreements I have with M.  It's somewhat ridiculous how I manage to convince myself after even the smallest disagreement with him that he is going to break up with me.  He constantly has to reassure me that he loves me and isn't going anywhere.  Poor guy.  

I should be tacking on photos or music reviews to this entry, but all my photos and subsequent thoughts are caught on the damn hard drive that needs repair.  I read a couple books recently that I'll to give my two cents on in the next entry.  Stay tuned, kiddikins.

Finally, I realized today that it's been 10 years since Bapa passed away.  I was only 16 when he went on and so we didn't talk that much or get to know each other very well.  Like so many people who have regrets, I wish I had been able to talk to him more, I wish that my parents had taken us to visit them more frequently...  I keep planning to go spend a weekend with my grandma in Guelph but so many things come up each weekend.  10 years ago Bapa died and 3 days later the tragedy of 9/11 rocked the world.  It was an odd feeling, suffering through a personal loss and then recognizing that feelings of loss and grief are world-wide, affecting everyone everywhere.

It makes you feel small, opens your eyes to the sadness and grief that covers this world.  For some reason it reminds me of a passage in the Bible when Jesus is riding into Jerusalem on what is now known as Palm Sunday.  He pauses at the top of the hills that surround Jerusalem and he starts weeping... "Jerusalem, oh Jerusalem, how I have longer to gather you to me...but you would not have me..."

Random thoughts. 

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