Friday, 4 November 2011
Bend, not break
Flexiblity: a character trait that I am learning anew each and every day. It's an important aspect of life...to go with the flow and be accepting that things change. Being rigid and inflexible is behaviour I have noted in my parents and I have made the resolution since childhood that I do not want to live my life the same way.
In the off chance, in fact, in the most likely chance that I feel angry or frustrated with my Person over ways that I feel he has failed me, I like to write down memories of things that he has done to go back and read, reminders to myself of all the kind ways he has treated me, the actions which he has displayed his love to me through. It helps me put things into perspective, when I read about all he has done, and I usually end up relaxing and being more flexible and understanding.
So here it is--the latest in a series of M. related posts that no one really needs to hear about but what I need to write about...I have to.
Today I was scheduled to work 7-3, which is a bizarre shift for me. I normally go in to work at 3 in the afternoon and I had to get up at 6 in the morning to go to work?? I haven't woken up that early since I went to bed that late. M. ended up going out to see a movie with some friends and then get some food after. When he texted me and said he was ordering food at a restaurant with friends around 9:15pm, I was immediately cranky.
Number one, I wanted food! There's nothing like a delicious late evening appetizer. Number two, I wanted him to come home and fall asleep with me not stay out late with friends. Number three, he had originally said he would be back at nine, then amended that statement to "no later than ten" and suddenly he's ordering food at 9:15? I knew that wasn't going to be enough time and I felt like saying, "Fuck you, don't come home after!", punishing him for once again going back on what he said would happen.
But then I thought, 'He hardly ever goes out with his friends anymore. Almost all his time is spent with me. I need to be more flexible and encourage him to spend time with his friends, especially friends that I like. Plus, we're both adults and I won't be able to fall asleep before 11 anyway, because I slept in so damn late this morning'.
With all the maturity and good will in my heart, I texted him back and said, "Hope you have a good time. Pls don't be later than 11 or go to your parents to asleep". And I added a ":)" to the end of the text to convey the good will I was attempting to feel in my heart. I walked Licorice alone and felt sad that my friends don't care to go out with me for an impromptu movie and late night snack.
11, I thought, was a good compromise. I had to get up at 6, which meant at least 6 hours of sleep, something I could function on. I did some writing when I got home and at ten-thirty I brushed my teeth and started to head to the bedroom. At 10:56 I heard the key scraping in the lock and the sound of his footsteps in the hallway. He creaked into the bedroom and climbed onto the bed. I felt like saying something irritable like, "Wow, cutting it really close there" or "Whatever happened to 9?", but as he kissed me awake, I wrapped my arms around his body and slipped my hands up under his shirt, I discovered he was slick with sweat and the realization flooded over me: he ran to get here on time.
All the little things that drive me crazy, the eccentricities and odd quirks that he has seemed to melt away and disappear from my mind as he kissed my nose and cheeks and sweat all over me. I know it doesn't sound very romantic--almost disgusting actually--but that is the stuff that relationships and love is made of: not the exciting moments that make your heart beat faster, although those are of course wonderful... But it's the moments when you realize how much that person loves you and how far and fast they would run for you, in those moments you start to value how much the person means to you and what love truly is.
End note: I am proud of my self control. I didn't freak out or get mad. We lay together and talked, enjoyed each other under the cover darkness and I fell asleep cradled in his arms. What could have been another huge fight was avoided because I chose to remain calm and accept that some things are beyond my control and I need to be more flexible; I need to bend, not break.
Happy Friday to you all.