Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Finding a way...

When you're a child, you look forward with excitement to adulthood.  The whole world conspires, or so it seems, to slow down the journey into growing up and you wait with eagerness for responsibility and the perks that come with it.  Your curfew is slower extended but your chores and duties grow as well.  High school means meeting new people and staying out with friends, but it also weighs you down with homework that keeps you up all night and concepts that are hard to understand.  Driving your parents car means freedom to go shopping without the hour long bus ride, but it also entails paying for gas and arguing with your parents to even use the car.  You begin to experience those wonderful and elusive things that you saw your parents doing, but the cost seems steeper than ever.  Coffee, watching any movie want, going out for fancy dinners, eating dessert with every meal, drinking a beer or glass of wine, consorting with the opposite sex...suddenly all those things are at your fingertips, ripe for the taking.
Somehow I think we get tricked as a child.  Perhaps it's our naivete that allows such a thing to happen, maybe our parents should shatter the illusion sooner than later in life, but all of a sudden we wake up and realize that all the things that seemed so wonderful when we were kids have become just normal parts of life and we no longer desire them the way we used to.

Yes, that is the way of life.  When we get what we desperately we want, we usually discover that it isn't exactly what we wanted, or we find that we get used to it and eventually begin to take it for granted.  Such is the strangeness of life.  I remember when I first moved into my apartment, I took solace in the quiet lonely nights where the constant shouting and noise from my siblings disappeared.  I valued being able to come and go as I pleased without giving an ETA to anyone, I loved being the boss of myself.  Gone was the need to check in with my parents or to disclose the choices I had made and give my rationale for them.

After living alone for about 18 months, my sister moved in with me and I realized quickly that I had missed having someone close in my life.  The chaos and hubbub of her arrival was enjoyable and I loved coming home after to work to someone sitting in my living room, ready to talk and discuss the day's events;  it was a great change and I find that I very much cherish living with her. 

Now things have changed once again and I find myself living with my boyfriend who slowly but steadily grew into my life.  I can't imagine not having him at home with me, sitting alone and having space with no one to talk to, no one to confer with, no one to confide in.  The silence I once loved is no longer welcome and I miss him when he is out.  Slowly I am learning to accept that he can't be there all the time, but I continue to savour the moments we have together.

Back to the first paragraph, as I have gone on a frightful tangent...I feel duped at times, discovering that the responsibility far outweighs the perks, that everything must be worked for and sought after.  It's not easy to grow up and suddenly come to that understand and often times I wish I was ten again, viewing life with excitement and anticipation, not trepidation over whether I'll be able to pay my hydro bill.

If I have learned anything in the past ten months spent with M., it's that I can change and I can grow.  I must change and I must grow in order for the relationship to prosper and be functional...I continue to struggle with that acceptance and how to manifest it entirely in my life.  I tell M. that he must be a different person for our to be together but I find it hard to give in even the smallest ways.  I know how hypocritical I sound and that knowledge hangs over me, burdening my heart.  I want to be a good girlfriend, I want to make him happy, but I also realize that our happiness cannot hinge on each other and I must be true to myself in order to remain in a relationship.

Sorry if this post is odd or confusing.  I know that it's hard to understand what I'm saying when I don't go into intimate details, but I do want you to know that I am the adult that I dreamed of being when I was a child, though sometimes I wish I wasn't. 


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