Tuesday, 13 December 2011

fight for me

It's been a long time since I've updated this blog and I have missed writing.   I've been faithful in my 750 words for the most part, currently on a 42 day streak, but I'm back here again and will try to be more consistent with my posting, although a cynical part of me wonders why I even do it.  For the love of writing?  I already write my 750 words (www.750words.com) daily so I don't necessarily need to come here at all...but I'm here.

Things have been hard lately.  Not hard as in major life decisions to be made in a matter of days, more like...winter doldrums.  98 more days until spring--I looked up a spring countdown widget, I can't lie--and I can barely contain my yearning for the smell of fresh earth, the buds on trees, new life... Spring is the season that resonates in my soul.  I don't even mind the rain and grey during spring time as I know it's the precursor to a warm and sunny season, summer.

But doldrums.  Serious down in the dumps.  Never mind that Christmas is right around the corner...I haven't even started my Christmas shopping.  I made a little list while twiddling my thumbs at work today and I discovered that I'm not very interested in picking presents this year.  I wish I could get everyone a gift card and be done with it, but the pleasure of giving gifts is in finding the perfect one and watching the receiver's face as they open it. Splendid.  Okay, maybe I'm talking myself into being excited about finding gifts...

I'm down in the dumps about the long, cold nights and few hours of pure sunshine, which transfers to other things in my life.  I'm so lackadaisical about work.  I should be trying to pick up more hours with the financial burden of Christmas, but I don't even care.  Not only are things hard with what I self diagnose as SAD (seasonal affect disorder), financially everything is so tight.  I paid off a credit card settlement in three large-ish settlements which set me back, I still don't have my own computer because I can't afford one...I miss downloading music and movies, tv shows and eBooks, going on my LOST forum and surfing Youtube.  It was an enjoyable break from the mundane reality of life.

I'm scraping by just paying hydro and rent.  It's exhausting, the worrying.  What would I do if I got sick and couldn't work?  I'm not covered for anything!  What about my second credit card?  Where will I live when these apartments eventually get turned into condos?  The worst part is:  I don't really have anyone to work through these things with.  M tries his best to be supportive, but sometimes I get angry because I feel like he gets to live like a teenagers or college kid and I'm the one who has to go to a crappy job and work shifts I hate in order to pay our rent and food costs.  Trying to ignore those feelings hasn't helped.  At all.

The SAD is also affecting my relationship with him.  I get so frustrated and upset about the most trite and ridiculous things.  I get so angry at him for fighting with me...not even fighting, because he won't engage in warfare...disappointing me.   For not giving me what I need, for giving up so fast without a protest, for not persisting and trying to talk to me about problems.  For not being the boyfriend I need, for leaving me in high water.  I just want him to text me, pursue me, say something, say anything...I want him to fight for me.

I know I'm exhausting, annoying, frustrating and irksome.  I know I'm trying and I ask for a lot.  I know I fail to compromise and be flexible.  I know that things which are minute in the grand scheme of life matter more to me than they should.  I realize it must be difficult to love me through all these issues I have, but I want someone who will fight for me and my love.  I want to know I matter that much to someone.  To anyone.

Since I started dating M, most of my "church/Christian" friends have fallen away, disappeared.  K (one of them) said I was pushing people away, so I feel now as if it's my fault.  Have I change so thoroughly?  Do people no longer recognize me?  Am I completely altered?

Sometimes I sit and read old cards, letters and notes my friends gave me.  They are full of sweetness and light.  We will always be friends.  There is no one like me.  I aspire kindness and respect.  I am wise, we have a connection, I am loved, we will always and forever be friends.

Now it rings of adolescent foolishness.  No one can predict the future.  We will follow our own paths, will make smart and destructive choices.  The people who make the promises of eternal comradeship should reconsider.  Ultimately they aren't hurting themselves--they're hurting the people who believe them and that was my foolishness: believing them.

It sounds overly dramatic, I know, but it's true.  I feel afloat when I think of all the friends I once had who never bother texting me, talking to me, maintaining the connection.  It always comes back to:  have I changed?  Am I no longer the Marcia they knew?  I would personally attribute any possible negative changes in my character to working so long in a depressing and negative work place, but I'm sure those friends would blame my sinful life style.

They no longer invite me to breakfasts, get togethers and why?  Because God doesn't hear me anymore.  Because I'm not pure anymore.  My sins encompass me and now define who I am in their eyes.  I no longer have dreams and hopes, I don't feel hurt over being ignored or cast away...although apparently that is my choice.  Sinners don't care about anyone except themselves, right?

M doesn't text me, just like those friends.  They gave up on me and I never hear from them.  M says he's afraid of my anger that sometimes burns so very brightly.  He says he doesn't know what to say to me when I'm so upset and normally I value his hesitancy to speak rashly and inflame the situation, but this time I'm waiting and waiting.  I want to hear from him first, like a stubborn child.  Irrationally, I think to myself, 'I always cede first'.  I send the text saying "I'm sorry" first.  I try to make amends and it's exhausting.  Maybe it's my responsibility because I usually provoke the disagreements, but where is he, being the man?  Why doesn't he persist, pursue, continue?  Why won't he fight for me?  What can't he grasp or understand why this is so important to me?

I need him to prove that he is not like those friends.  I need to believe he won't fade away.

I am ashamed of how girly and boring this entry is but I need to vent.  I need to find peace with my friends, the ones who have moved on to their own lives which don't include me. 
I need to get into a Christmas spirit.  I need to start (and finish) that list. 
I need to be kinder and gentler with my boyfriend who gives me so much already.

I need some love.

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