The only thing we have to fear...

Sometimes I have these strange attacks of fear that leave me breathless and confused. My mind literally feels alien to me and there is uncomfortable sensation of not belonging in my own head. The worst part of it is the knowledge that these moments of anxiety are all self induced. I'm sitting at my desk and suddenly I feel...unlike myself. I start to worry that those feelings are mental problems, from there I start to imagine the mental problems I could possibly have and I have to forcibly push those thoughts from my mind and focus on something else in order to avoid becoming more worked up and anxious.

Then, the fact that I have to avoid these thoughts starts to worry me and I wonder if this is something I'll battle with for the rest of my life and whether I'll have the endurance to spend the rest of my existence constantly denying negative fears that seem to prey on my mind.

I sat down at work during a down time and tried to put my finger on what exactly it is that scares me.

Number one is having the person I care about the most leaving me, even though he has reiterated over and over, again and again, telling me he will come back and he loves me. I woke up at 4:30 this morning and he wasn't there; suddenly I was seized with fear that he was hurt somewhere or had simply decided he didn't want to be with me.

The number two thing I'm scared of is becoming mentally unstable or insane (even though we have no family history of such a thing happening. I used to be irrationally scared of having HIV and now I'm fixating on something else. Why the hell do I do this to myself?? Why do I allow myself to get so caught up in these stupid worries that only drive me crazy!

So sometimes I lay in bed freaking out internally that things are going to spin out of control beyond what I can handle or that he'll leave or that I'll be diagnosed with some random disease...just all these ridiculous things that I realize in the light of day are just that--ridiculous.

Which brings me to two quotes that I feel the need to meditate and consider thoughtfully as I slowly come to grips with all these worries:

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love.
-1 John 4:18

Which reminds me that God's love for us is perfect and only God does not fear. As humans we all have that natural sense of fear, whether it's for the well being of the ones we love or for ourselves or just a general sense of malaise... The tricky part of it is learning that fear itself can bind us up and cripple us, fear becoming worse than the thing we're afraid of, bringing me to my next quote that Franklin D. Roosevelt repeated during his inaugaral speech in 1933 regarding the Depression which had impacted America:

So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance...

The quote "We have nothing to fear but fear itself" was originally coined by Francis Bacon, a philosopher from the 1500s who said with such conviction:

Nothing is to be feared but fear itself. Nothing grievous but to yield to grief.

I guess what I'm slowly learning every day that is this: I cannot allow myself to get caught up in these morbid fears that prey on my mind. I've been given so much and have many things to be grateful for; perhaps focussing on contentment and happiness will enable me to move from living in fear to living fully and victoriously. Even though many of my religious viewpoints have changed in the past year, I know with my heart that God, the God I've chosen to believe in, cares about us and wants us to live our lives awake and completely. The answer to these thoughts that negatively affect my mind and physical state may be that I not only need to focus on the good things I have--I also need to focus on God and the plans that He has for me.

Here's to hoping that the future will burn even brighter than it does now.

awakening

Today I was walking from my car back into my apartment, climbing up the concrete stairs that lead to the building door, arms full of Licorice's blanket and a container of green beans and basmati rice, the dog himself at the end of his bright red leash which was wrapped around my hand.

An eccentric looking older man with thick dark rimmed glasses and a fedora paused on his way out of his apartment building which is opposite mine. "What a character that dog is!" he exclaimed with delight. He went on to discuss how Licorice's cow doggie marks and his general appearance make him look like a dog with a great personality.

We started talking about art. He recited some of his poetry to me and talked about the seven arts which are:

• poetry/literature
• visual arts (paintings/photography)
• sculpture
• dance
• music
• architecture
• theatre (drama)

and I was educated about those individual arts and the merits of each of them. We discussed the city of Hamilton and how it was making a transition from simply being blue collar to also containing something special for those who seek to make an artistic career for themselves. He told about several interesting galleries and performers coming to Hamilton and the fact that a rich ultra-Conservative David Braley has paid for free admission to the Hamilton Art Gallery on Tuesday and Thursday. (You can read more about Braley here.)

Of course the topic swung around to the personal art that we have done and I mentioned a bit about how I was interested in doing photography years ago and how it's still something I have a fondness for.

"You're what we call a shadow artist," he pontificated. "You're watching and following the art circles while your own interests and talents have been laid aside for the time being."

He's right. I have put away those dreams for whatever reason, mainly that life is about surviving and that's what I've been doing for the past few years--working to survive and pay bills that I still feel constantly behind on. So, I've allowed myself to become stagnant in my current while become more and more miserable with the situation.

But like all meetings in life that are meant to occur, he went on to say an encouraging word to me. "Your art will awaken when it's the right time..." and Lance went his separate way while Licorice impatiently led me up the stairs and into our large and beautiful apartment with huge windows that let in sunshine and moonlight, a door that people I love pass through on a daily basis, couches that we recline in while laughing and crying...

I feel so much more content now. There's this certainty that eventually I'll find the right way to go and even better, I have an amazing Person who will be travelling beside me and encouraging me along the way.

Don't be discouraged if you feel lost or adrift with your life; everything happens for a reason and you simply need to be patient and wait until the perfect time to bloom arrives for you.

Much love.

in time we find our way

in the matter of all things related to the heart
we often fail to see the truth so clearly in front of us
and muddle through confusion which we cause

but in all the failing, trying and falling
i know i'd choose it over and over

in time we find our way to love

in time we find our way to be

how I love life

we walked down concrete paths

he held my hand, he whispered "I love you"

the church was built in 1847

the nose rings from Uzbekistan larger than life

coffee a drug for all of the masses

and the service for tacos slow

drank Fruitopia and vodka

wandered home and lay side by side

cried tears of happiness and fear

felt alive

summer is coming!

This is the most peaceful I have felt in a long long time.

I sit at my desk. The hubbub has finally died down around me and all I can hear is the hissing of a patient's O2 and our fan in the station, whirring at the sound level of a Cessna.

My boss has been away for the entire week and she did not bother to inform anyone of that fact. The nurses discuss this avidly. How did she get nominated for Nursing Manager Excellency?, they all wonder in the staff room while on break together.

But who cares? I'm done work in less than three hours and have the entire weekend off. It's supposed to rain later today, but clear up and remain sunny for the rest of the weekend. The happiest thought is that summer is coming. Summer is coming! Warm dry days, thunderstorms that crackle and leave your hair frizzy, sunburns, flipflops, the smell of sunscreen, campfires, long days with vibrant sunsets, twilight when everything seems almost magical, walking down James Street and seeing the kaleidoscope of cultures stirred together...Summer is coming!

I remain cheerful despite the fact that it's terribly grey outside and the rain is inevitably going to fall again. My boyfriend is a wonderful and giving person. My animals are hysterically cute and amusing with their antics. My sister makes for a great roommate despite the fact that she keeps stealing my hair products and shoes. The apartment itself is a lovely space that I'm growing to appreciate more and more...

Yes, I have much to be grateful for. I hope you are anticipating this summer and period of warmth as much as I am!

How to write fiction

I don't know how or where to start.

First, there are so many options--plays, scripts, short stories, novels, essays, poems... I don't even know where to begin.

Second, what is one supposed to write about? What do I really know about life that is worth writing a novel over? Should I start at the beginning? I always find that the beginning just discourages me.

Third, how does one develop empathetic and loveable characters? I have no idea where to start or how to go about crafting a fictional character that is interesting enough to captivate a reader.

Why am I even seriously considering this? I don't have the ability to commit to a long term project like this and I most likely do not possess the stamina to forge on through pages and pages of attempting to create characters, plot lines and milieus.

Plus, I don't want to be one of those people who try to write stories for their entire lives and never manage to break through into the world of fiction. There has to be another career or type of writing that I can get into which is less competitive.

Photography and writing? Who knows. All I know is that I'm sick of my job. Time for a change.

Current Music

Lately I'm loving on Adele's "21". Her previous album "19" was released when she was, in fact, actually 19. In her 21st year she has released her newest compilation of songs and it's fantastic!

Her voice is rich and powerful, full of timbre.

I give you her new single "Rolling In The Deep" here. Download it & give it a listen!