Since ever and ever, since the beginning of my existence, I have been overflowing with emotion.
I remember as a child, being spanked as punishment for some act of disobedience or defiance, and my greatest dismay was that I could not control my tears. The pain was manageable and was not caused the overflowing and crying...I simply felt too much emotion in the moment. My parents anger and disappointment with me, the actual act of discipline and judgment, and then eventually my dad's putting his arm around my shoulder and hugging me, saying he just wanted me to learn and that he loved me.
For a child, spanking can be a confusing thing and I had enough ups and downs of emotions as it was. As I grew into being a teenager, I began to feel things even more acutely. My clothing didn't reflect the current trends and made me feel inferior to my peers; I could never truly grasp that what mattered was the inside of us, not the exterior clothing and appearance that is judged so quickly. My mother didn't understand me and constantly berated my love and reliance on my friends and not my parents--I suppose she felt slighted by my rejection of her advice and thoughts. Teenagers can be incredibly callous, self centered and selfish.
Now into adulthood, I consider my emotional responses to difficult situations and truths I have faced, from being a child right into "growing up". When I argue with my boyfriend, my first reaction is to start crying, whether I really want to or not. In a way, it feels like a sweet release, but I also experience vulnerability knowing that he has seen me at my worst and knows me through and through. Sometimes I worry that my crying is a subconscious way of manipulating him to get what I want and perhaps at times it is, but it's also often impossible to stem. I get upset, I cry. Some people get upset and yell or punch things or go for long walks...I cry.
I will never forget wise words I once heard someone say: your emotions should be the caboose of your train, not the engine. When we let our emotions drive us or propel us forward, normally we make stupid choices because we are so caught up in the moment, we aren't thinking rationally and are unable to realize that in a few hours we will most likely feel very differently. What I would like to achieve in 2012 is less of the crying and saying dumb things rashly and more contemplating my reaction. It's hard to try to change what seems so integral in you, but there it is...growing up and being less feeling and more thoughtful.
On a side note: I had a 3-d xray done a couple years ago of my wisdom teeth. At that point I had an emergent need to get one of them out as it had gone septic. The dentist had mentioned back then that my two lowers were beginning to impact and now I think I'm feeling the full force of it. My jaw is achey, my throat feels swollen and I sometimes feel light-headed from drinking or eating. My gag reflex seems to be triggered constantly and I have headaches every day. This isn't typical for me so I think the teeth are causing something to mess up and I'll have to get another xray done, hopefully this Saturday.
Blegh. It's always one things or another. I just want to feel okay and be myself again. Instead, while I'm sitting in the movie theatre about to watch Tintin in 3-D (wonderful movie btw, definitely a must see), I start to feel light-headed and anxious. It sucks balls.
Hopefully it'll get sorted out.