Hard times.

Chili kept me up all night.  I tossed and turned until two a.m. and I wasn't the only victim.  M lay beside me in bed and stared at the ceiling, we talked a bit on secrets and life lessons, I heard S walking up and down the hallway a few times and there you have it...the chili made sleepless minions of us all.

Or perhaps I'm too hasty in blaming the innocent spicy tomato stew.  Maybe it was the fact that we had just signed a new lease for a different apartment that has me all knotted and twisted up inside.  Whatever it was, I contemplated for a few hours the decisions we have made in the past week and the ones I have been forced to make today and in the near future.

For to start with, I am still paying off the debt of my teenage years.  I settled with one credit card company late in 2011 for a mere fraction of what I should have paid.  Wonderful.  Then today I call back my second credit card to make a settlement and am told that A) I won't have such a great settlement and B) I have to pay it off very quickly.  Any joy I felt over procuring a new apartment has melted away.

Also on top of the new payments, I also feel like I've been taken for a ride by our landlord.  I really don't want to pay the $835 for our month of rent in March, but I have this feeling that it will be a bite in the ass if we don't.  M thinks we should just say, "Eff this!  Evict us!", but I feel reluctant to do so as my name is the one on the lease and I would be the one incurring any possible legal action and fees.

I've had to make the tough decision to take my car off the road for four months in order to balance the budget and make allowances for a new apartment and this credit card payment.  I feel bereft, as though I have nothing.  I haven't had a computer since last September.  I won't have a car anymore.  I probably won't be hooking up the Internet at the new apartment because I don't have a computer, so what's the point?

Everything is gone.  Sometimes I wonder if God is punishing me for the lifestyle I am living, for the choices I have made, but then I think...there are people who are horrible and they are make it by so why can't I?  Is God really so malignant and angry at me or other people?  Does He wish evil upon those who don't obey Him?

I don't know.  It's hard to know exactly.  What I can say with certainty is that I am going out for my last meal tomorrow before I start saving and it will be sushi with family and lovers.  My favourite kind! 

Love even during hard times.