Sunday, 5 August 2012

On and on I go

I've been struggling a lot lately  Part of it is the extreme heat.  As much as I love summer, the humidity that wraps around this city is unbelievable.  It feels like living in the deep south, or so I hear.  Yesterday was so hot, a short stroll around the block with the dog soaked me in sweat.  My nights have been restless and sleep has been diminished lately.  Even though we have a window air conditioner in our bedroom, it often feels like it's struggling along with me, it's motor dragging, cool air sluggishly moving around the room.  An air conditioner, two fans and still the slightest touch sets me.

So I sit in this dark, somewhat cool room and I cry.  I cry because I still feel alone, even surrounded by people and souls.  I feel frustrated by a job that I've begun to despise.  I'm scared about these persistent migraines that I have been having.  Sometimes it seems like there's a wall between M and I which scares and confuses me.  I literally feel like I'm barely holding on.

Sometimes these valleys and low-lows are a learning place for us.  I'm always learning the same lesson:  things won't make you happy for long, food is a substitute for a deeper craving and spiritual needs cannot be ignored.  We're more than skin and bones, we're emotions and motivations, manipulation and honesty, cruelty and love, all combined into complex creatures that are hard to understand and impossible to ignore.

Sweat is pouring down my armpits and I'm attempting to ignore the dull pain behind my eyes and brow.  In many of these moments, home alone and feeling abandoned, I focus on the anxiety and worry, causing myself to become a pent up ball of negativity and fear.  Fear is my nemesis and that is another thing I have learned lately:  I am afraid of far too much.  What people think of me, what I look like, death, being alone, not being understood, paralysis, going crazy... It seems my imagination gets the best of me so frequently, especially when I'm sleep deprived and feeling sad.

I will now go attempt to cool down by washing my face and read a Psalm.  


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