Sunday, 30 September 2012

Love to Hate

I'm starting to believe that the hardest thing about being in a relationship is the complete vacillating of feelings.  

Let me explain.

For the past few days, for some reason, I have felt a strong sense of love for my boyfriend.  Who knows where it comes from.  I appreciate when I come home from work and he has made me a cheese sandwich with a slice of tomato hidden inside.  I notice when he does the dishes (my chore, really) and tidies the living area up.  Perhaps a culmination of these things has led to this swelling up of dramatically affectionate overtures from me, but I've been texting him goopy little messages like, "I love you so much" and "You're the only one for me".

We've been together around 22 months (I always confuse the counting from month to month) and so I'm allowed to say whatever I want;  I mean seriously, the guy has heard it all from me.  But anyway, I've been sending him all these romantic and sappy texts and the replies have been standard ("I love you too", "I'm blessed to have you", "You're the best"), but in the strength of the love that I feel, his expressions pale next to mine.

I'm left unhappy and feeling empty.  It's true when they say that no one can make you completely happy or keep you fulfilled.  The feelings of love slowly diminished as the week wore on, partially because I didn't feel that his replies were appropriately effusive or matching the glory of mine, and partially because he didn't cook the chicken properly on Friday night.  (Remember gents:  checking to see if meat is cooked means slicing the piece open and examining the inside.)  

That's neither here nor there though.  What it all comes down to is: that very often I feel lonely and unhappy because he falls asleep at 10:30 (due to his early wake up call for work) and I'm frequently left sitting alone on the couch with no one to talk to, watching Pretty Little Liars (dire times indeed) and feeling sorry for myself.  In my case, most times, pity turns to hatred.   Lonely... I've used word frequently in this post, but it's the truest of them all.  I miss laughing and joking about our days, discussing bad moments we had, spit-balling ideas about the future...

So I reiterate.  At the beginning of the week I was deeply in love and would give the world for Boyfriend and now I feel a lot less than that.  I'm sitting on the couch again and I have my pillow in case I start falling asleep out here;  he is sleeping peacefully and deeply in the next room.  

In all fairness, he is a great boyfriend.

During lunch today with three co-workers, we all started venting about our significant others.  One has a boyfriend struggling with a cocaine addiction, one has a boyfriend who doesn't invite her to family events and whom she only sees a few times a week.  One has a boyfriend who manipulates her to stay with him by threatening suicide and self harm.  These people need therapy!  I shouldn't complain about Boyfriend when he stays away from hard drugs, spends every night (albeit comatose) with me and has never expressed any suicidal ideation.

At any rate, what we all concluded at the end of our venting is the exact same that I stated earlier:  the hardest part of the relationship is loving someone so strongly but hating them at the same time.  That two such passionate emotions could walk hand-in-hand is amazing and frustrating.  I find it hard to reconcile the fact that those two very different sentiments can occur at the same time.  What is this???  

I really really hope that this is the most confusing thing a relationship can present.  In the meantime I will seek to accept that the early morning wake up call will most likely be leaving me with more quiet "me time" for the next few months.


(I'll leave you with a photo from tonight.  Sentimental indeed.  I still love him.)

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