Tres bored!

1. Ever kissed a brown eyed and brown haired person?
Yes, I sure have.

2. Can you see a phone right now?
Yep, both my cell phone and my work phone on the desk right in front of me.

3. What are you listening to right now?
Nurses giving shift report to each other.

4. Where is it coming from?
The nurses sitting beside me in the nursing station.

5. Last thing you ate?
A Walkers shortbread cookie.

6. What was the last thing you saw on TV?
CHCH News at 6pm. Just really terrible shit. Each news cast seems to be a game of "how unprofessional and lame can we be?".

7. Who was the last person other than family you saw [not in school]?
I'm surrounded my nurses, so any of those, I suppose.

8. Are labels/stereotypes good?
They're can be damaging but are based on some grain of truth...

10. Song stuck in your head?
Nothing in particular, although Dragonette has been around lately.

11. Acoustic or Electric guitars?
Acoustic ftw. So much more romantic.

12. Do you dance while getting ready for whatever?
Not every time, but every once in a while.

13. What are you wearing right now?
Green OR scrub bottoms, brown & green scrub top, running shoes.

14. What is the greatest number of people you've been in front of?
The church on a Sunday morning, singing a special with my sister and friend.

15. Who was your last text from?
From my friend "J". "Oh, that's boo... Let me know when you've got some free time then. :)"

16. Have you ever taken a shower while you were drunk or high?
Yes...it's an amazing sensation.

17. Do you like Techno?
I like it when I'm a little drunk and dancing around or out for a run. It lifts the spirits.

18. Have you ever been to a night club?
Yes, I sure have.

19. Have you ever made out on a plane?
No...not yet.

21. Do you have leadership skills?
Yes, but in my current position in life, I have no need to utilize them.

22. Can you play an instrument?
Piano, guitar, recorder, and voice. Which reminds me, I need to start practicing again...

23. Have you ever sat on a roof and looked at stars?
I've sat in many places and looked at stars. My favourite place was on the beach while camping...absolutely no other lights except for the stars shining...you can see the Milky Way...it's truly an awe inspiring experience...

24. Ever done that while talking on the phone to a boyfriend or girlfriend?
No, and honestly, what would the point of that be? I'd rather see it with them IRL.

28. Are you currently pregnant/have you recently gotten someone pregnant?
No, thank God...

29. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?
Nope.

30. What scent are you wearing right now?
Perfume is not allowed at work! All I can smell is the hand moisturizer they use here. It reeks and not in a pleasant way.

31. Are there any animals around you at the moment?
No, no animals in this sterile environment.

32. Drinking anything at the moment?
Chai Ole from Second Cup.

33. Ever thought you were going to get married?
Not to a specific person...I think I might get married sometime in the future...maybe...have to meet the right person first;)

34. Last person you loved?
Ugh...is love a fancy or a feeling?

35. Last person who told you they loved you?
My good friend Kristina.

36. Favorite time of day?
Sunrise and sunset...

38. Favorite food?
Anything with cheese/cheese related.

40. Cat person or dog person?
Dog, although I have the most evil and cutest cat ever.

41. Got a job?
Unfortunately, yeah.

43. Tan or pale skin?
Stuck with pale, want a nice tan/glow...as soon as this tattoo heals up completely...

44. You're deserted on an island, what do you have with you?
A Jack or Sawyer.

46. Biggest regret?
Getting a credit card at eighteen years old. I'm going to be paying that thing off until the day that I die...

48. What do you want the most?
Right now? To make out with someone.

49. Do you want children?
I used to, but not so much now. I'm afraid of screwing my kids up.

50. Are you a lover or a fighter?
When I was a teenager I used to be a fighter...I was so abrasive and confrontational. I feel like now, with getting older and a bit more wiser, I've become more of a lover. I hope that's true...

51. Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
The last time I was making out with some dude. The anticipation right before the kiss...that's the best feeling in the world.

52. What was your last alcoholic beverage?
I had a beer last night :) Keiths India Pale Ale.

53. How is your mood today?
Not too bad. I got some good sleep last night and did some decent shopping today.

54. Where was your last vacation at?
Port Elgin/McGregor Point. I miss that place :(

55. Who is/are the friend(s) you can count on the most?
I have quite a few that I can talk to but the two I trust the most are Jannelle and Kelly.

56. What do you do all the time in a car?
Listen to music, sing, do a little dance, check my make up and lip gloss...the ush.

57. Do you like anyone?
Not in particular.

58. Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?
Yeah, quite a few times actually. Next car I buy is going to have tinted windows, serious tingz.

59. Who was the last person to make you cry?
My family because they drive me up the wall.

61. What's the largest age difference between yourself and someone you hooked up with?
I have no idea how old anyone is.

62. When was the last time you cried?
A few days ago actually...maybe even a week. Life has been okay lately, minus the lack of sleep.

63. What is one thing you miss about your past?
Absolutely nothing.

64. What is one thing you've learned about life?
A few things... You have to take care of yourself because people won't take care of you. You have to be happy with yourself and not expect other people to fix you. You need to sieze the moments in front of you because you only live once!

65. Is anyone jealous of you?
Probably not. Why would they be?

as always--thoughts

I sat downstairs alone again. The tiled floor design intrigued me for a minute, my eyes attempting to focus on the all the dots and swirls, soaking in the intricate pattern.

It made me think that there absolutely has to be more significance to what we do in life, what we do with ourselves, instead of just random chaos, our lives like a snow globe that is shaken with the snow swirling, then settling in an unpredictable pattern.

Sometimes my life does feel like that snow globe, and I'm trapped inside the glass, looking out at the world around feel, unsure of whether to feel content where I am...Then I'm shaken up and the snow flies around me, I know that there is more than what I'm settling for...

I could take the snow globe symbolism further, but I have an idea that it would just become more ridiculous. Instead I move on to different things, walking down the sidewalk home after work, glancing around at the bare trees and scattered clouds, apartment buildings rising up, light shining through hundreds of windows, balconies draped in festive Christmas lights that twinkle and dance in the wind.

There doesn't seem to be much point looking for meaning in life, meaning in things that are just what they are, no deeper thoughts or feelings, but I still try, and I sit in the foyer looking at the tile patterns and feel deeply alone and sad, tears gathering behind my eyes and threatening to spill down my face.

It is loneliness that drags me down into philosophical and pointless wool gathering, but I can't find the cure and I'm restless, running from one thing to another, continually feeling as though I'm chasing something, but what? And if I don't know what I'm chasing, how will I know when I have found it?

I'm scared that I'll spend my whole life in this place of discomfort and unsureness, afraid of the future but not wanting to relive the past and discontent with the present. I find it hard to picture where I should be or what I should be doing, but I know that if I'm with the right person I'll be okay.

Sitting on that chair cross-legged, contemplating what I've done in the past few months, the entirely different person that I've become, I realize that I could write a book on my experiences, the new worldly ways of my life, but who would want to read about a girl stumbling drunk around bar, trying to find happiness and approval in the eyes around her, seeking love from the wrong people in the wrong place and most likely at the wrong time.

This is the sum of all things--I don't know who I am, the Marcia is unrecognizable and I hate being so in the dark when it comes to knowing myself. I want to be able to utilize my talents and gifts, to be happy no matter what happens around me, and I struggle to find that every single day. Work drags the life out of me, my friends are constantly expecting me to be a certain way, and my parents want me to make different life choices than the ones that I am currently making...

How can I please so many people around me and no consider my own self at all? How can I find the happy balance between loving the Marcia I am, even though others around me might not?

Such things come with time and wisdom and I want that.

The other day I was thinking...I wouldn't mind dying today. As long as I wasn't in any pain, I wouldn't mind closing my eyes and falling into oblivion, moving on to another stage of life, or just embracing the final curtain that falls. I'm not afraid and I don't find much happiness in life at this point in time, probably because I'm seeking it from wrong things.

Who can live in such a place? Who can be happy?

I don't mind that "C" doesn't care. It's not longer foremost in my thoughts, concerning me day and night. Some things we have to let go of; in order to save ourselves, we might have to open our hands and allow people to slip by, past us. What might feel so right in the moment isn't necessarily right for us in future moments, and I can't change him or make him care, so I'll open these hands and heart and allow him to move forward away from me, while I stand still and look around ,waiting for people to finally see me.

I'm back at the bar in my mind, standing against a man, leaning into his mouth, smiling against his lips, and in that moment I feel free. I'm sitting on the couch in my living room again, the brown wool fabric rough against my skin, and I smile to myself, remembering the moments past, embracing all of Marcia, trying my hardest to love who I am, despite my affinity to self-hatred and self-loathing.

There is just the darkness of night all around and it threatens to swallow us all up. Sometimes we need people around us to shed a light. Sometimes we need to find a way to light the way ourselves. Whatever happens, we are people. I can't be anyone else so I have to find a way to love this person that I am.

I dance the night away carelessly, forgetting the realities of cold winter days that stretch out for miles ahead.

A little too emotional for my taste...

I can't stop listening to "Skinny Love" by Bon Iver. A few moment ago I read an email from my sister in China. Her words are so comforting as older sisters usually are and suddenly out of nowhere (hello PMS!), tears start running down my cheeks, and I audibly gasp out a few sobs as "...I'll be holding all the tickets, and you'll be owning all the fines..." plays in the background.

That's life, I guess. That's what we go through. I could write only about all the guys I've fooled around with, the drunken nights with my friend strumming her guitar at 3 am and singing "Wonderwall"...but the reality is, I do sit at home alone sometimes, think about all the weights and burdens on me, and simply start to cry because there's absolutely nothing else I can do.

I can't fix these situations that seem to be escalating out of control. I certainly can't help people unless they want help. I can't change the minds and actions of people around me...everything is beyond my control. I just...can't...fix it.

When you come to that damning realization, do you feel relieved and free, or do you try to scramble all the more to fix what is so broken?

Not sure of what else I can do, I lean with my head in my hands, thunk my forehead down on my desk, grasp my hair in my hands and struggle internally. How can we be so futile, have such little control over our lives?

It's scary when you suddenly wake up and see that you have no control...you're just floating along, hoping that catastrophic things won't happen, making the best with what you've got. Trying to be happy and content despite problems around you...

I go back to the days when I was young, when we fought with my parents but it was simply over curfew and appropriate reading material, not possible spouses that are not approved of and career choices that just aren't good enough. I remember how my Mom and I used to have a battle of wills over what supper to make or the right way to throw a newspaper onto someones porch. It wasn't about my sister's physical boundaries with her boyfriend and how I'm suddenly responsible.

The feelings of futility that I already mentioned--not being in control, not having options, there simply being no light at the end of the tunnel...All that piled up in my mind, pressing against my chest and throat...Sometimes I struggle to breathe and I'm not sure if it's because of this deep chest cold and chronic heart burn that is eating away at my esophagus...or if it's because sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is on top of me, as I lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling, trying to dream of a world or a situation where I'm happy and healthy, not surrounded by people who are disappointed with me.

"...In the morning I'll be with you, but it'll be a different kind..."

I know there's nothing special about these emotions. We all hit that breaking point, where we seriously doubt whether we can take any more of what life has to throw at us. How many more people can we displease? How many times can we feel like we are disappointments to our family and friends? When does the straw break this camel's back?

Not a single person can say they haven't felt this way. We all have. I'm not unique. It's simply that, sitting alone in this exact moment, I feel like the loneliest and saddest girl in the world. I do feel unique in that way. Somewhere down the street or on the other side of the city, maybe a few cities over or somewhere in Europe, there is another girl sitting and feeling as lonely, sad, and bereft as I do.

That idea leaves me a bit humbled, makes me realize this is all a giant act of self pity, and I should probably pull myself together and stop being such a whiny bitch.

We all need the this time though...to wallow in our emotions, to cry and allow the mascara to leave tear tracks of black down our cheeks. We need to let the sadness, frustration, grief flow out of us. Sometimes crying is the only answer. Talking doesn't help, distractions won't keep us busy enough to forget...we need to cry and let it out.

I'll cry sporadically for a while longer and then pull myself together and start trying to fix things again.

I carry them with me**

Do you ever feel as though your heart is going to shatter into a million pieces and fall to the ground, leaving a trail of ashy bits behind you as you run down the sidewalk?

Lately that has been my foremost sensation...that a part of me is crumbling, breaking down into thousands of shattered pieces. The remnants are unrecognizable, as I change into being something or someone that I hardly know.

Grief, sadness, despair--they change us from being joyful and happy individuals into ghosts of who we once were, broken by the circumstances around us, from constant disappointment, from loneliness encompassing us.

There's dust covering parts of this keyboard. I absently trace my finger through it as I pause for a break in these thoughts. It seems to me, that wiping off the keyboard should symbolize something more, a cleansing or new beginning, but in a few days the dust will settle again, and I'll be myself, the girl who wants someone, anyone to look at her with something more in their eyes than vague notions of lust or even worse, disinterest.

How can we travel through life, surrounded by so many people, contained in these bodies that we want to break free from, somehow finding contentment and happiness in who we are even though we sometimes desperately crave far more than what life has given us?

So it goes on and on...the constant humdrum this and that of life, even as we fight to be something more or exist as something deeper than what we are, there's that frightening realization that we're simply treading water, trying to stay afloat in these dark cold waters, unable to see a horizon, unsure of where to swim to with no land in sight.

It's easy to see how people start down the dark path that eventually leads to self-mutilation and then sadly suicide. Those people are the ones who believe that their lives are meaningless for a myriad of reasons. Perhaps they're the only ones who truly see the true futility of life and bowing to that knowledge choose to behave selfishly and move on to something else...It's scary how desperate those people must be, if they'd rather face the unknown than accept and deal with the problems life hands us in the daylight.

No, I'm not in the slightest bit suicidal. I don't consider ending your life a viable option to dealing with the eternal issues of life. But I do sympathize with people who struggle with depression, as I think I might do so just a bit. I know that there's no point in dwelling in on the past or on hurtful memories, but there's just this leaning towards doing so...towards picking that scab, reopening all those painful thoughts, constantly examining choices we have made and wondering what we may have done differently, wondering whether going down a different path would have affected the outcome, trying to avoid repeating those mistakes in the future.

Sometimes we give it our all and when nothing happens, when we're left alone hoping with our fantasies, hopes and dreams crashing around us, when we startle awake to the empty bed, the cold pillow beside us...when we give it our all and we're still left alone, that's when we hurt the most, that's when we reach the bottom.

I swallow down the lump that rises in my throat when "Beautiful Disaster" plays on this computer. ("...She's giving boys what they want, trying to act so nonchalant...afraid they'll see she's lost her direction...") The cold truth stings. I can hardly think of anything else, other than the first night of it all. No, the second night. The first night was against my will, as I lay drunk on the bed and the equally drunk guy pawed me until I fell off the bed and crawled into the living room to sleep on the couch. I sobbed in the shower later that day, scrubbing myself clean. The second night, I wandered into the same bed with acceptance and kissed another drunk but very different guy. He interlocked his fingers with mine and kissed my temple, our legs wrapped around each other, his feet cold against my warm ones. He should matter less than he does, but my heart and head are fucked and I can't separate the two.

And after those two it's just many, a line of different guys that I should keep track of but can barely remember. I can try to hang onto the names and faces, but what's the point? Like the people who hit a certain point in their lives where it's sink or swim, I have to strike out for a shore somewhere. Treading water can only last for so long and it's meaningless. I'll swim in any direction regardless of whether I see shore or not. The ones who don't matter, the ones who I've kissed and touched, the ones who are just vague faces and shapes...they're behind me, below me, inside me, and I carry them with me.

Another night, another few stories

I have never felt less like writing these fucking 750 words. They mean nothing now and will mean nothing in the future.

This is not me being dramatic, it's just the truth. It seems that nothing we do matters in the grand scheme of things. We're as insignificant as the next person.

I think these thoughts because of my nights spent on the town, my body put out for people to touch and tease, my thoughts dulled by the alcohol. Everything slows down and speeds up without reason and the night flashes by.

I stand in the bathroom with my hands under the drier, talking to a cute girl who I encounter again later at the bar, surrounded by four guys. One is clearly gay and I feel the pressing urge to tell the rest of their crowd that. Oh, sorry...you haven't officially come out yet? Umm...I feel bad. I blew him a kiss across the dance floor later, the lights reflecting on my hair and luminous face.

And suddenly there's another guy who is behind me as I move against him, grinding like it will save me, dancing to the beat without caring. He kisses my lips and neck and tries to hang on to me but I'm like sand on the beach, trickling through your fingers, and I slide away and move across the crowded floor, pushing my way through bodies.

Bodies dancing and grinding and trying to find someone to matter to. We all are just these bodies, husks of our true selves, buried down, tamped away.

I'm moving on to some one else now. I climb the stairs to the rooftop patio and find my friend standing with a tall, very good looking man. He can read the desire in my eyes right away and Moira is edged out as we both start talking. I ask him to pull his shirt up and he does a bit reluctantly. Everything is beautiful. Moira goes downstairs and we follow suit, but we pause in the stairwell and he's two or three steps below me and we're finally on eye level. I lean in slowly and pause a centimetre from his lips and we stand there for a few seconds, the tension and lust emanating from me like the perfume Lindsay haphazardly sprayed on me before we left the apartment.

That's the moment I love. Right before jumping in, the pause, the brief waiting... And we're there on the steps, finally I lean in and kiss him gently on the lips and he doesn't pull away.

Kissing is one of my favourite things. I feel connected to something and less adrift when someone is touching me and near me, lips on lips, skin contact making everything safer and more meaningful.

He's already pulling away though and it makes sense. He can do better with that face and tall lean body, and I follow it down to the bar where we casually stand and scream into each other's ears. It's frustrating how short I am in those minutes because it feels like people are just looking at each other across the bar above my head.

A girl stands beside me at the bar and patio boy is clearing into her. She's wearing a white dress shirt that's almost completely unbuttoned, her breasts popping out, but he's not getting any from her. I lean over and start talking to her about her breasts. They're so round, white, and alluring, so I have to touch them and casually I do so.

Somehow we end up on the middle of the dance floor and we're grinding against each other and kissing and the boys are all watching but we're in our own world. It's not a show for her, I can tell. I touch her all over, running my hands down her back and up under her shirt, touching her nipples. She's enjoying herself and patio boy is in the bathroom so I don't care. I want him more than anything but she's cute and feels soft and curvy.

I glance over and he's back at the bar. I see other guys that I kissed tonight (four in total) and it's a bit strange to walk past them after that, but kissing is just kissing and means nothing but a brief moment of pleasure. I'm confused by the guys and their lack of interest in extensive making out. I'm ready to take my clothes off and get dirrty but they want to drink more alcohol and survey the room.

I leave the girl, promising I'll be back, and go back to patio boy. His cousin leans against me and promises he can rock my world more than patio boy. He laughs at me and tells me nothing is going to happen. I know this somehow. I'm not hot enough. So I turn and walk out of the room, back to the coat check and out on the street.

Walking down the street a car stops and pulls into a parking lot and the driver accosts me. He's a light brown guy and I can only think of "C", and to be honest, that was all that mattered to me all night. I would rather have been curled up in Sarah's single bed, pushed right against him from lack of space, spooning and cuddling. Instead, I'm out on the town trying to find someone who will care enough or care at all.

The guy in the car is trying to pick me up and I'm angry about the entire night. Will I ever been thin and good looking enough to tempt anyone? All my insecurities seem to come crashing down on me, leaving me desperate, like a trapped animal trying to break free. Even though we do whatever we can to be free, we never really are. It's a burden we carry for the rest of our lives.

I'm even loaded enough to say so to him. Awful night, I got no action, I'll never be thin enough, and he looks amused but derisive about my words, as if I'm speaking in another language. All he sees is the giant boobs and thigh high boots. I see spots of acne, stomach flab, chunky thighs, and a stubby nose.

And I walk away, alone down the street. I'm not sure why I'm walking but I think I should find a cab. I walk into a convenience store and ask them if there are any cabs around and the man goes outside with me and walks up to a little window. Apparently we're at the taxi depot and he raps on the window, the lady sitting in the small space orders me a cab, and I stand in the frigid cold and think of how life is so confusing.

The taxi driver is young and good looking and tells me his girlfriend cheated on him. It's apparent that we all get fucked over by people throughout our lives. Once you accept that as inevitable, you can really start living your life without fear.

I wake up on Lindsay's couch and my keys and camera are both missing. Nothing matter any more though. Life is just going to continue along and I will get new keys, or find the old ones somewhere, and I wanted a new camera anyway.

The night is already history and matters nothing and the future looks a bit colder right now. We try to find ourselves in people around us, try to make our lives matter, struggle to make a difference. I'll fight on, for whatever it's worth.