I went and saw "Sucker Punch" last Friday with Matt. It was a fantastic movie although the ending left me feeling desolate and sad. A few tears trailed mournfully down my face as we sat through the credits and Matt leaned over and kissed them away.
He hates when I'm upset or sad. I try my best not to let my negative side shine through around him, because I think he blames himself or tries to fix something that can't be fixed by him. "I want you to be happy," he will say, as if he makes me unhappy which is the most ridiculous idea ever. All my issues are internal, brought upon myself by insecurities and needs. Needs that Matt can't fill--needs that no one can fill.
Doesn't it always come down to that? That we have personal issues and fights we struggle through that no one else can help us with and it's what makes or breaks us. Dealing with childhood issues or simply insecurities that we carry around with us, worry that we won't be good enough, fears that we'll fail at whatever we set our hand to do... Ultimately it's up to us to address those issues and deal with them in whatever manner we may.
No person can save us. God can save us but He has yet to save me or to show me what to do. A part of me thinks with cowardice that I should give up on Matt, let him float on past me along with all other life experiences that gone on by, but another part loves him so deeply and strongly, so much love that it overwhelms and frightens me. I sit in this computer chair, feel a bit dizzy and think about sitting beside Matt in the booth at Montana's, watching him draw a dragonfly neatly and quickly, sinking into a lull of sleep comforted by his warm body next to mine.
I lay beside him on the bed, under him on the bed, on top of him on the bed and I wonder how much we sacrifice to be with the people we love. I stare far away at the ceiling and he asks me what I'm thinking about because he knows there's some internal struggle happening.
"I'm thinking...how I would never have expected to end up with someone like you..." I say slowly. "A tattoo artist who smokes pot..."
"Did you think you'd be with someone from your church?" he asks softly and that's the realization and truth that I've been facing.
I DID think I would somehow end up with a devoutly Christian guy who would help me become a better person, steer me to being a stronger Christian. Instead I drive to the movie theatre with this guy beside me in the passenger seat, idly smoking a joint, hanging his hand languidly out the window and smiling fondly at me, holding my hand and rubbing my palm.
Like I said, it's been weird thinking about how life does not turn out the way you expect it to. Of course we make choices and go down paths that we believe are the right ones for us, but then again, if God hadn't wanted me to meet Matt why did He allow our paths to cross on January 8? Was it a test that I failed miserably?
Some of my friends say that I should just relax and enjoy the ride, have a good time with him and make the best of life. Sihaam disagrees with that sentiment because as she points out so wisely, we'll never be that type of person. Mom and Dad have taught us that every decision we make has repercussions and a deeper meaning...nothing is done lightly or without weighing the morals and principles of the situation.
The relationship I have with him is not just fun. I mean, it is fun, he makes me laugh and smile, I absolutely love spending time with him, but it's not just that. It's so much deeper than the occasional fit of giggles. I feel like our souls connect as we lay side by side on my bed, looking into each others eyes.
"What are you looking at?" I ask him with some insecurity, aware of my ratty hair and blotchy morning face, as he stares at me from his pillow.
"I'm looking at the girl I'm in love with," he says and smiles.
Clarity sets in. I might not always be strong. I might become afraid and draw away from him or try to avoid addressing what we really are, but the fact is...
I love him. It's that simple and not easy to explain why. I could make a list of things I love about him, qualities I appreciate, traits I love, the way he makes me feel...but when it comes down to it, the reason why we love certain people is undefinable. The soul connecting bit, two personalities meshing well, seeing something in someone that no one else has noticed... Any of those things. Does it really matter why? It seems to me that what matters is the fact that we do have those feelings and how we choose to act on them.
I hope that you, whoever you are reading this, I hope you have that realization as well... Defining love, attempting to understand relationships--it only gets you so far. What matters is living it out. Allow yourself to be open and vulnerable, whether that means crying in the car after hearing some potentially frustrating news, or laying naked side by side and embracing each others entire bodies, or discussing personal spiritual beliefs, talking about fears that lurk in the back of our minds...
Life isn't worth living if you don't let yourself love and even more difficult at times, if you don't allow yourself to be loved. Peace.