Saturday, 16 July 2011

so frustrated!

You know how you know you're acting crazy?  Or you know you're overreacting or being hyper- sensitive?  Well, I've had that sensation for the past few weeks but can't seem to do anything about it.  It might be the settling into the routine of having a special Person in my life, but I feel more nutty now than I ever have.


Well, that's not really true...


When we first started hanging out, seeing each other, it was only a weekend thing, so I lived for each Saturday night or Sunday night when we'd see each other for the first time in 6-7 days.  It was hard...really hard, because I was unsure of how he felt about me and eventually that came to a head, we talked about we wanted and what we were open for... and actually, thinking about that, we had to have that discussion a few times, each time being more open and honest about how we felt.


I was convinced during those days of ups-and-downs/are-we/aren't-we that if I could only get on more solid footing, I would be completely at ease and happy with my relationships. 


Here we are, still together over six months later and I do feel a bit more steady in footing regarding our relationship, but it seems like every time we have a bit of a disagreement, I immediately assume we're going to break up.  It feels like every moment takes us closer to the end.


Part of it, I think, comes from feeling the pressure of having people being negative about us.  I know that my parents don't approve of what I've been doing and that kinda hangs over me and makes me think that they might be right... and self-fulfilled prophecies... it will happen if I keep thinking and acting like it will.


Anyway, as I said, we're still together all this time later, partially I believe because we're so well suited for each other, complimentary in almost every way... I freak out, he calms me down.  He doubts his talent, I reassure him... We heal each other as we go along, but we also hurt each other, and I guess that's the new thing that we're going through:  the fact that even though we made promises that we would never hurt each other, we are and we do.


Learning to live with that fact--that we will inevitably hurt the people we love--is hard, because it's rarely something we consciously choose to do.  Mostly it's a communication problem, something said that hurts... And off we go into a spiral of upset and crying. 


I thought that I would get used to the way we were, settle down and settle in, content and happy with the way we are.  The fact is--we're never going to be just one way.  There will always be change and growth (thank goodness, keeps us from getting bored) and I have to find a way to live with that.


I'm frustrated at myself, for overreacting to situations, to worrying and being concerned, to always thinking negatively.
I wish I could open up my brain, tweak it and then close it back up.  


Oh well.

In more news:



Licorice gnawed on the coffee table table.  Damn animals.  I hate that they're so cute.  I also hope this doesn't signify house anxiety or something. 


Here's a pic of it (kinda hard to see though...)






And, I got new glasses!  I feel kinda meh about them right now because they're so different from my old ones.  


Old ones






New ones:






Also, I ate only toast for supper and then some ice cream.  I feel fat.  


Peace.

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