Tuesday, 24 April 2012
I've moved in the past month so things have been hectic to say the least. We loved our apartment when we first saw it, full of the previous tenant's furnishing, looking put together and homey. When we first took possession of the place and walked around it, we saw garbage left behind, dust, chipped paint on the walls, plaster damage etc. It was hard to envision the place ever looking how we saw it. For the longest time I just wanted to go home... Home being Rockwood, the apartment we moved from.
Now that we've settled (somewhat), I'm started to like the place a little more. We began a painting job on the kitchen (that still needs to be completed) and I'm making plans to change some of the lighting. There is hope!
The heart is so fickle. That is something I have been constantly reminded of the in the past few days. As Eminem so succinctly puts it, "You want 'em when they don't you, soon as they do feelings change". My whole life I dreamt and desired a boyfriend, a husband, a lover, a best friend, a comforter...and now I have all those things (sorta, the husband is still in the works!) and I often find myself wondering if there is more. Is this the life I am settling down in? Will I truly be content? Am I cheating myself out of something better?
The questions that we ask ourselves can either lead us on to bigger and better things, different things, or they can drown us in contemplation and "what ifs?" The truth that I know with my brain is that my boyfriend is an awesome and good person and that I love him. The turbulent emotions that I sometimes feel with my heart are not to be trusted. One day we are so happy and laughing, the next we fight and cry.
I'm growing and changing, he is growing and changing, we are all full of potential and possibility. It's the changing that hurts the most.