Nothing is more relaxing to me than the flickering of a candle. I can fall asleep so quickly staring at the flame jumping about, the light constantly shifting, shadows moving on the wall. Exhausted I sit at work and think about the candle on my night table that lulls me to sleep at night.
Some things take you back to childhood, when things were easier, relationships were just a dream, bills belonging to a far off and distant world of adulthood. At times I wish I could go back to my teen years and slap myself, shake myself and scream, "ENJOY YOUR LIFE IN THE NOW". I lived feeling like I was born old, people my age didn't understand or "get" me...I always wanted to talk with the grown ups and adults.
Now I miss those days when I went to school for 6 hours, came home and napped, went on the internet, did some home work, fell asleep. I worked a few hours a week to afford movie tickets and some clothes. I had no idea how good my life was, instead fixating on the few chores my parents made me do each week. Nothing prepares you for the future and for adulthood.
The candle takes me back to my mom and living at home. I'm 27 but the memories seem aged and old....my mom lighting all the candles in the living room, turning on some classical music and sitting in the darkness waiting for my dad to sit with her and share their day's events. It was a quiet room at that point and we would talk stealthily under our breath to each other if she let us into the room.
In many ways us children sucked the romance out of my parent's marriage. They would be having serious talks and we would enter the room without knocking, screaming with anger or frustration about each other. We expected them to be at our every emotional beck and call. Somehow, despite having limited time with each other, my parents managed to hang onto their relationship, founded so deeply in their faith and commitment to each other.
Despite the fact that they drive me crazy and I believe them to be far too restrictive and stubborn, I have to admire and respect their marriage, the unshakable bonds that tie them together. Even after a brief night of arguing and feeling hurt by things said by my boyfriend, I feel the links between us become tenuous. It's hard to hang onto people who repeatedly hurt you. It's even more difficult to accept that they feel the same way about you.
I wonder what drives us forward? Notions, feelings of love and remembering the good times perhaps. Hope that things will look up again. The promise to be faithful and commit to each other. Will these hold through the test of time and difficulties?
We shall see...
Life is what you make from it...