I'm too young (or ignorant) to be part of the original 90210 cult and I can't say that I feel any regret about that. However, I did start watching the rebooted 90210 a few years ago that originally featured a couple characters from the original show.
Here's the point to this post: 90210 used to be a guilty pleasure for me. I equated it with Vampire Diaries (which I still watch whenever possible) and looked forward to the weekly release of a new episode. I would describe it as a guilty pleasure because a small part of me knew that it was just television fluff, created for the masses to satisfy their simple need for a serial drama.
Being without a computer for a quite a few months has been trying as I have been unable to obtain tv shows with the same ease. A couple days ago I decided to use an older computer and downloaded the first episode of 90210's season four...popped it on the tv and sat through the beginning twenty minutes before turning it off.
What struck me was: how the hell have I sat through three whole seasons of the unmitigated shite?
The character are unsympathetic and dull.
The plot is unimaginative and predictable.
The clothing style and fashion is promiscuous and awkward.
The whole show seem to scream everything that is wrong with our society.
Skinny girls only! Anyone over a size four should not be in a bikini!
The characters do not change AT ALL. Any slight remorse or action that makes them the least bit empathetic is immediately diminished by the next selfish and thoughtless thing they do. This cast is completely unfriendly to the audience. I felt that my size fourteen butt should not be allowed to watch this show with all the perfect people and perfect teeth running around.
These characters are composed of these issues:
-Dixon can't find a place to live because his friend incorrectly filled out a dorm form and he was placed in the girl section. Oh noes! How hard it must be to find a luxurious apartment in Beverly Hills!
-Annie turns down Liam (who she once proclaimed the love of her life) because he went away during the summer to work on a fishing boat and didn't stay in touch (kinda hard to do while on a boat, but mkay). Now her massive fortune given to her by an eccentric retired actress (of course) who passed on is being contested by said dead lady's family. Will Annie now have to get a job?
-Naomi's secret relationship with a high school geek left her pregannt. When they find out it was a false-positive, her bf (now ex) reacts with joy at having dodged the bullet. A single tear wells up in Naomi's large blue eye and drops down her cheek as she feels unloved and unwanted. Unfortunately I turned off the episode before ever discovering if she actually was pregnant. Oh noes.
-Teddy is still gay and still hasn't told his dad. The right time just hasn't come yet.
And so on and so forth. I won't subjugate you to any more nonsense. What I find unbelievable is that this tripe has a loyal viewership and that my cousins are probably among said viewers with their inane "like for a tbh" status posts on Facebook.
Why should pretty people not have perfect lives? The world owes it to them for being so damn fine!
I wonder if something has changed in my so innately that I no longer find this type of garbage interesting or insightful. I believe I will stick to my LOST and Gilmore Girls. A little more wholesome in my humble opinion.
Romance and reality colliding. How often do the two of them meet and how rarely are they discussed. What always seems to matter is the mutual meeting of two minds, the beginning of relationships when everything is new and apparently perfect, each person eager to look out for the other and be sacrificial. But what happens after those first few months, after the "honeymoon" stage? I suppose that many people are aware that the initial infatuation ends and then mundane reality of life sets in, the humdrum of existence.
In a way, I've been feeling lately that daily life has been beating the romance out of my relationships. Now, even more than ever, I have an almost daily realization that relationships are work and maintaining the romance is even more work. It requires effort and a lot of it!
M. is a wonderful person. He gives so much in our relationship, but yet I cannot help compare our now to then. The way he treats me now is slightly yet unavoidably different than the way he treated me when we first started dating.
First off, we no longer have the mysteriousness exuding from each other that we sought so desperately to penetrate. We have tried to understand each other to highest extent, thus removing any intrigue from what lies between us. In a way it is comforting; in a way it is boring. I can predict what he will do and what he will say when I am upset. I no longer wonder what his reaction will be. I know him almost as well as I know myself. As I said, it is comforting to be so intimate with someone and to feel so open, but it also leads me to feel somewhat bored at times.
Where he would once upon a time check my blog at least weekly to see what I had written and then compliment my entries, he no longer does so unless I alert him to new posts. He seems to have lost the interest in my writing and I can't really blame him. My entries are pretty boring.
The second thing is that we no longer have the same eagerness to please each other that we once did. When we first started dating, I never said anything even remotely hurtful or rude to him because I was afraid of destroying what appeared to be a fragile and delicate thing. Sometimes I catch myself being intentionally hurtful or rude to him now, as though testing him and stretching our relationship and his love to it's furthest
extent. I know with my head that this is normal when it comes to settling down into relationships, but I feel so unsettled about it. I don't want to be the person who maliciously hurts the person I love.
I also remember times when I would be crying and upset and he would cancel appointments or stay home from work to comfort me and help me feel better. Now he walks out the door and continues on with his life, with his work shift, knowing I will still be waiting for him in the bed when he gets home. It doesn't matter if I feel under the weather. I won't die so life goes on. Reality pounding the hell out of romance.
Even more saddening is my recollection of how I would say something wistfully or desire something vaguely and he would go out of his way to obtain said things for me. Today I left for work early to get Nyquil for my lingering chest cold and it so turns out that they no longer sell it in the hospital pharmacy...psych patients were apparently abusing it. Anyway, I texted him and said that they had no Nyquil and his reply was basically, "well that sucks!" and nothing else. I thought for sure he would drop by a store and grab me some, but he didn't volunteer to do that and I had to outright ask him to pick it up for me.
A similar occurrence last week when I was making breakfast and said I wanted a coffee. He took the dog out for a walk and I thought for sure he was going to the nearby cafe to grab one for us. He came home empty handed and inwardly I felt a sadness settle in, as though the realization that this is the reality of my relationship from here on forward has finally made itself completely apparent to me.
I know that he does so much for me and I do appreciate all the wonderful things he does, but at the same time I see how our relationship is evolving and changing and I am powerless to stop it or to take control of what is happening and bring back some romance and mystique. I accept that this is the way we now are and that this is the future we have together, but a little part of me wistfully misses the excitement and wonderful little things that M once did for me.
We will always find things that leave us a little unsettled and uneasy, especially when we see or feel that we don't have the same care for each other that we once did. Perhaps it is on me to try and infuse some more romance into our relationship.
Let your love be like the misty rains, coming softly, but flooding the river. ~Malagasy Proverb
February 14: the day that many people dread and claim to be a "fake holiday". In some ways I do still feel cynical, as the fact that we apparently need one day a year to tell the person we love that they matter to us rubs me the wrong way. What is it about planning that one day to be obvious in our affections to each other that just seems so wrong??? Why aren't we taking every day in our relationships to say "I love you" with our actions or our words?
The reality of it is: when I first started dating M and it became we were very serious about each other, I found swelling in my heart this new feeling, that I loved M so deeply and intensely, as if I am the only person who has ever loved someone with such strength. While I felt that with my heart, I knew in my head that such a notion is ridiculous. Each and every person in their relationships at some point convinces themselves that what they are experiencing in the greatest and highest point of their life. Nothing else can compare.
Yet, perhaps what I should do is not discredit my relationship with M or the extent of my feelings, but continue to remain faithful in my love and fidelity. I know in many ways I can be a heart breaker--not that I am desired by many men and have broken dozens of hearts, but rather that I often lack compassion for M and fail in the way I treat him, with insensitivity and love.
Of my many prayers for 2012, I pray that we will all find love amongst each other and that our love which begins as a small seed will grow and be nourished. May God give us wisdom as we seeks answers to difficult situations, patience when things aren't going our way, compassion for the pain our lovers may have in their past or present...May God grant us love.
Chili kept me up all night. I tossed and turned until two a.m. and I wasn't the only victim. M lay beside me in bed and stared at the ceiling, we talked a bit on secrets and life lessons, I heard S walking up and down the hallway a few times and there you have it...the chili made sleepless minions of us all.
Or perhaps I'm too hasty in blaming the innocent spicy tomato stew. Maybe it was the fact that we had just signed a new lease for a different apartment that has me all knotted and twisted up inside. Whatever it was, I contemplated for a few hours the decisions we have made in the past week and the ones I have been forced to make today and in the near future.
For to start with, I am still paying off the debt of my teenage years. I settled with one credit card company late in 2011 for a mere fraction of what I should have paid. Wonderful. Then today I call back my second credit card to make a settlement and am told that A) I won't have such a great settlement and B) I have to pay it off very quickly. Any joy I felt over procuring a new apartment has melted away.
Also on top of the new payments, I also feel like I've been taken for a ride by our landlord. I really don't want to pay the $835 for our month of rent in March, but I have this feeling that it will be a bite in the ass if we don't. M thinks we should just say, "Eff this! Evict us!", but I feel reluctant to do so as my name is the one on the lease and I would be the one incurring any possible legal action and fees.
I've had to make the tough decision to take my car off the road for four months in order to balance the budget and make allowances for a new apartment and this credit card payment. I feel bereft, as though I have nothing. I haven't had a computer since last September. I won't have a car anymore. I probably won't be hooking up the Internet at the new apartment because I don't have a computer, so what's the point?
Everything is gone. Sometimes I wonder if God is punishing me for the lifestyle I am living, for the choices I have made, but then I think...there are people who are horrible and they are make it by so why can't I? Is God really so malignant and angry at me or other people? Does He wish evil upon those who don't obey Him?
I don't know. It's hard to know exactly. What I can say with certainty is that I am going out for my last meal tomorrow before I start saving and it will be sushi with family and lovers. My favourite kind!
Love even during hard times.
- My boyfriend. He is a great boyfriend, don't get me wrong. I obviously love him wholly and completely, but sometimes he does things, sometimes he says things (or remains quiet when he should speak up) and those things just make me facepalm and scream in my head "WHHHHYYYYY?? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHYYYY????" I will never fully understand how guys think...perhaps because their thought processes are less complicated than the emotional turmoil of females, but there you have it: my boyfriend will continue to be a mystery to me, something I at times find exciting and scintillating.
- Apartment hunting. Could someone please explain to me why having a quiet, well mannered and house broken dog is proving to be such a huge liability when it comes to renting? As far as I have researched, it is illegal for landlords to refuse renting to tenants who have animals, but that law does not seem to be well enforced, especially on Kijiji. The one apartment that I set my heart on, set in a beautiful old house with high ceilings and hardwood floors, flat out refused us without even asking for an application, all because of my extremely quiet and stealthy greyhound. How is that even fair?? I am a GREAT tenant, always paying my rent cheques on time, have never bounced... It just makes me see red.
- Why winter feels so long. This year especially, winter hasn't really been that bad. We've had maybe two large snows, which is nothing compared to the usual Canadian winters we have been lambasted with. January was particularly balmy with temperatures in the pluses...practically an unheard of thing. Anyway, for some reason even though it's nice out, I feel like the winter blues are dragging me down, even more than ever. It's February 2 and I'm wondering how I am going to make it through the next 26 days without slaughtering someone. Winter is really only 3 months long, a 1/4 of a year, and yet it feels like it will never end. Y U NO END, WINTER???
- How eating right tastes so wrong. I've been very strict with what I've been eating, especially considering that I am supposed to be running a 5k at the end of March and I am woefully out of shape compared to last year. Anyway, I've been mainly eating cheese, meats and vegetables, a few fruits here and there...I MISS THE CARBS. I've been craving bagels with cream cheese, spaghetti, toast with peanut butter...all those delicious things. It's not even so much cakes and cookies I've been craving...just french bread warm from the bakery...It sucks. And being in this winter funk is making me want those comfort foods so desperately. I reiterate, it sucks. Even worse is the fact that I know with my heart that if I do eat unhealthily, I'll end up hating my self even more. Lose-lose situation.
Those are the four things that I cannot understand right now. Weigh in if you have any thoughts or words of advice!
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