You ever...

...feel as though you have something important to say, but you can't get it out, or the words never seem right?
I think we all fall into situation at some point in our lives, whether it's at work with a boss or co-worker, or at home with our significant others, the friendships that we have, and every other human person we might have some type of relationship with.
I mean, don't we all have something to say, or some type of opinion? Isn't that why these sites are so popular? Writing on here and "publishing" to your own blog, with the hopes that someone somewhere is reading and is understanding what you're going through...that's what keeps people coming back for more and why the internet is so popular. People want to feel as though their words matter, as though their thoughts are worthwhile reading.
But that's not the applicable situation. I have this thing right now where I feel as though something should be happening or something is going to be happening, but it isn't/there isn't. It's just the same quiet apartment with the rowdy cat, and the same routine every night...brush teeth/wash face/drink water/take the Vitamin B complex, and continue to hope that one day I will matter to someone.

The Daily Grind

I went to bed last night dreading today's work shift...I woke up in the exact same state of mind...still dreading the next twelve hours to follow. So I have decided to chronicle my twelve hour work shift, with a little hope that it will cause the day to fly by.







8:30-9:30: I arrive with a medium, extra-hot, no foam, latte attached to my hand, and definitely dispirited. I had no time to wash my hair and somehow cut my hand while digging around in my make up box. Dried blood on my middle phalange, and feeling like something the cat dragged in, my co-worker seems happy to see me. We sit and talk for a few minutes about a certain doctor (that shall not be named for my own safety), while I put a band-aid on my finger. I've wandered back to my side and started doing doctors' orders, while two of the nurses sit and talk about mortgages and lines of credit with the pharmacist.



9:30-1030: More doctors' orders, and more nurses not knowing what they're doing or what condition their patient is in. My eyes are starting to burn and feel itchy for some reason, and my little scapula is aching. I feel as though I'm in fluorescent hell today. John Mayer is relentlessly crooning "don't hold your love over my head", and I'm slowly starting to settle into today's pace, though I still feel a bit suicidal. I've decided that the worst thing about today is the incessant phone calls and call bells going off. I just engaged in a spirited discussion about tampon brands with one of my favourite nurses, and now am off to deal with more patient issues.




10:30-11:30: Unsuccessfully attempted to book appointment for patient; the surgeon's secretary didn't pick up the phone, which means she's probably at Second Cup enjoying a toasty tea. Although why the deuce anyone would want a toasty tea today...it's raining/grey out, but there's that humidity that we live with in Hamilton, so the air feels thick and still. I don't think they have the "chillers" (air conditioning) on in the hospital yet, because it's crazy warm in here. That's probably the reason my eyes are burning.

I'm trying to decide whether to go on a break at 11 or 11:30. If I go at 11, I can skip any annoying co-workers, but I often start feeling lonely, so maybe 11:15, to get the best of both worlds? These are the dilemmas that I have to sort through...heh, it certainly puts my job into perspective. Nothing important going on here.

I'm attempting to file something, but the patients chart is missing, and has been for a while. I wonder...if it was left downstairs in x-ray, or if the patient is still down there with it. Oh...look at that...chart has made its way back, avec patient. Whee.

11:30-12:30: Ended up going to break late (11:30ish) and munched my way through some low fat strawberry yogurt, old cheddar cheese, tuna, and a bun thing. One of the doctors brought in a bunch of high fat/high sugar/high cal snacks for the nurses (it's Nursing Appreciation Week), so I indulged in a teeny tiny square of brownie. Sitting in the lounge with the bright sunshine warming the sofa and entire room, I could feel myself drooping and drifting off to a nap. Shook myself awake, went back into the nursing station and talked to my co-worker (other clerk) for a few minutes, and am currently back at my desk, drinking ice water, and about to run through my list of tasks I have yet to do.

12:30-13:30: Shenanigans are afoot. The doctor is trying to send a patient home...a patient who is clearly not ready to be sent home. The nurses are attempting to keep the patient in a bit longer. No one is fighting, but I'm not sure how everything is going to go down. I guess it depends on what the RT (respiratory therapist) thinks of the patients breathing/SATs. In the meantime, my nurse manager is on the phone about six feet away from me, making calls and arranging a taxi for herself. This bandaged finger is making it rather hard to type and do other such duties.
Frustrating phone call from a pharmacist, whose first language clearly isn't English, and who babbled on about a certain drug and restrictions? colour? role something? I couldn't make out half of what he was saying and felt bad asking him to repeat himself, so I gave him our fax number and told him to fax me the information. Hopefully he knows how to write English. The patients got lasagna for lunch, and it actually smells rather appetizing.
Side note: It's almost 13:30, and there's lidocaine on my desk. I thought one of the residents wanted it for pulling a chest tube, but no one has come for it so far. Obviously it's not a narcotic as it was tubed (we have a pneumatic tube system that runs through the hospital), but still...is anyone going to come claim it? In the meantime, I'm keeping my beady eyes on the four vials...



13:30-14:30: A conversation about the lidocaine has since ensued, and I handed the four vials off to another nurse. I called a different surgeon's office to book a follow up for a patient, and the secretary was so nice. It's always pleasant to speak to someone who isn't suffering from anger and rage issues.
Holy fast time batman! It's already 14:15, and I've barely looked at the clock. I just had a discussion with a couple other nurses about what we plan on bringing to work tomorrow to snack on. We've settled on fruit, veggies, and chips with salsa. Tomorrow looks promising.
And on the work front: I sorted the pharmacy issue about the LU CODE (limited use code, it turns out) and we've faxed back the information. One of the biggest struggles with working on this unit is the follow work that we consistently have to do, because things don't seem to be done right the first time. It's also extra difficult here because of shift work...some people go home when another line is working, and then we have to sort out ensuing problems, which is difficult when you're not involved in the sitch from the beginning.

14:30-15:30: So far nothing eventful has happened. I did a few more doctors order, and I have this creeping feeling that I'm starting my period soon. Blegh, I feel crampy, although it's possible it might just be an upset stomach/indigestion. The twelve hour shifts feel very lame at this point. My co-worker is going home after eight hours, and now I'm jealous that I'm not the person going home. Right now there is just general confusion and chaos going on...we're not sure what patients we're admitting into what beds...the charge nurse seems a bit oblivious of the chaos we are going through, and I think everyone is going a little crazy at the moment. Blegh. I just wanna get outta here in the warm sunshine--which will be all gone by the time I leave at 8:30pm.
It feels like about time for a break. I'm going insane.

15:30-16:30: Just spent a half hour outside with my charge nurse, pleasant discussions all around. She smoked two cigarettes and I sat and perused a crossword from today's newspaper. It's warm out, for the first time in over a week. Also, super windy, so my hair is now quite wind swept, even though I've tried combing it out.
I took the band-aid off my cut finger and cleaned out the scratch/cut. A nurse reapplied a new band-aid for me, and I find myself quite cheerful, and pleased to be working with people who somewhat care about my well being. Let's see how this blogging goes in four hours...which is all the time I have left! I still have to sort through at least fifteen charts to make sure they are all up to date, and one of the units still needs to have their daily labs/diagnostic tests entered. On top of that, one of the patients that was supposed to go to another floor is staying, and so I have to figure out what to do about their daily ECG order.
I'm feeling the need for another coffee though. The warm fresh air has made me feel even more somnolent than before. The day isn't exactly dragging by, but it's not skipping anymore.
Off I go to convince another nurse to come down to the Second Cup with me.

16:30-17:30: Ran downstairs with my co-worker to grab that coffee. Just after we got back up to our floor, a Code Blue was called for the main lobby. We missed all the excitement. I just admitted a post-op into a bed, did their admission orders/charting, discharged two more patients, and feel ready for a little bit of food.

17:30-18:30: Brief and somewhat awkward supper (consisting of a low-fat muffin and yogurt) as a couple co-workers who dislike each other were in the same room. Conversation was a little stilted/forced, but there were enough extra people in the room to maintain the flow. Looking woefully through the windows outside, the sun is starting to slide down the sky, and the entire day has been wasted sitting indoors, breathing in recycled air (that's still stuffy btw), and working under fluorescent lights. Oh...another patient was admitted, so I'm off to do their orders/take care of their admission stuff. Busy busy busy!! I also planned to work on my resume at some point, but I don't realistically see that happening.

18:30-19:30: I'm getting there! Only two hours left of this godforsaken shift! I'm ready crawl under my desk and take a longgg nap. But back to work. I still have to finish up this admission, and then off to stock up the charts for the weekend. Everything else is basically done, which makes me happy...it'll leave me the final hour with not much to do. I prefer to have everything under control by 19:30. ...Military time...gotta love it.
Good news from another one of my co-workers! His wife is pregnant, 16 wks along. The joy erupting among the nurses for him and his wife is precious. When he told everyone sitting in the nursing station, they all started whooping and yelling with excitement. I know for a fact that it's been a struggle for the couple to procreate, so it's great news. Another moment that makes me look fondly at my co-workers. Much of the time I find myself frustrated with their occasional laziness or ignorance or even just plain rudeness, but then they go redeem themselves by being able to happy for other people's moments of joy and pure elation.

19:30-20:30: The last hour...just gotta push right through it. I'm off to stock the charts while the nurses do their shift change report. Grace Havnevik is temporarily replacing John Mayer on my music list, and my eyes are still burning, but maybe from anticipation at getting out of here so soon.
Heyyy...I just tried to open an old document on this computer that I locked, and I can't remember the password I used! I hate it when this happens. Too many accounts and too many passwords. And so much for working on a resume...I haven't had the time to select a style or font, let alone start thinking about references/previous jobs/job skills.
So this hasn't been the MOST accurate depiction of what a day in my job is like, because I didn't mention the hundreds of call bells that I picked up, or how the phone rang all afternoon with people asking stupid questions...Much of my time is spent answering the phones/tracking down nurses to talk to family members/redirecting visitors etc.
I'm thirsty, so off to the kitchen for some water, and now that I've done all my jobs for the day, I can rest easy. I even prepared some stuff for tomorrow morning, as I'll be the only clerk working tomorrow. Oh joy.

Oh the Irony

I was browsing through the fitness section at Chapters and came across a book that my friend owns and has strongly recommended to me. "Body Sculpting: A Women's Bible" or something like that. The titles are always the same basically, but the content of this book is actually extremely helpful. Since reading through the first introductory chapters, I've learned several things, including:

*You don't start burning fat stores until you have been working out at your target heart rate for at least half an hour. This is why it's important to start out with weights and THEN do cardio following the training session. You're more likely to successfully burn fat doing your exercises in that order.
*Working out is most effective early in the morning, as you are jump starting your metabolism for the day, and your body is still burning fat stores during the eight hours of no eating that you slept through. So you should ideally work out, and then eat a high protein breakfast.
*The ideal weight you should be using for weight lifting should allow you to do 10-12 reps, but no more and no less.

And this I just learned from the first few chapters.
So Marcia, you might say, what's the irony about all this? You're learning how to more effectively train and change your body! This is a good thing.

Well, at this very point, all I feel is depression, that I've been doing it wrong all this time, and that I will have to drastically change my diet and exercise AGAIN, in order to keep losing weight and become fitter. Even more depressing is the idea that I will have to work out and be careful about what I eat for the rest of my bloody life.

Don't get me wrong...I love going for a good run...but now that I know the run does basically nothing for me unless I exceed a half hour at my target heart rate...how am I supposed to feel good about that? All I feel is the fact that I'm am under achieving once again, and am most likely going to remain in this state.

And THIS is why people get personal trainers. I've never had a problem with motivation before, and now all of a sudden, I find myself struggling to go for an easy jog or walk around the block. My brain keeps saying, "what's the point? what's the point in even trying?"

...What A Disaster

So I was sitting briefly in the staff waiting room before starting my shift, and a nurse was watching CNN. In a span of five minutes, I saw footage of rioting in Greece (over economic troubles), political unrest in Britain, humanitarian needs in Haiti, police hunting for an infamous serial killer in the States, reforms the Feds need to make in order to avoid accidentally letting a terrorist into the free Western world, and so on and on and on.

At one point, I turned to the nurse (who was calmly sitting there, eating grapes and spitting out the seeds), and said, "The world is just getting worse and worse".

Well, she must have been completely oblivious/totally engrossed with her seed spitting, because she replied, "Why do you think that?"

After staring at her blankly for a couple seconds, I said, "Well, look at the news and all the unrest world wide...How much longer can our world last like this? What will our children live through if it's already in such a downward spiral?"

A brief silence followed, punctuated by more seeds being spat out, and she asked matter-of-factly, "Are you scared?"

Am I scared? What an interesting question...
I have found myself afraid of many things in the past, mainly situations beyond my control or influence. Yet, despite those problems being uncontrollable, I would still harbor wild fears, which were at times crippling.

Who hasn't woken up in the middle night, or tossed and turned unable to sleep, financial burdens weighing on your mind? What mother hasn't anxiously checked the time, wondering why the child is an hour late home from school, possible scenarios that frighten and leave them breathless unavoidably running through their minds? Am I the only one who has walked home from work later at night and felt a nervousness when passing certain people?

That is, the world we live. We're plagued with fears, with the possibility of disaster or trauma playing out in our often overactive imaginations. In fact, many people would say that they avoid turning on their televisions, radios, or reading the paper, because all that you'll see or hear is bad news.

So isn't it ultimately human to have these wild fears? Aren't we all prone to worrying about what could happen? And what was my reaction to her question? Does the idea of international unrest frighten me? Rioting? Famines? Nuclear warfare? Pandemics and epidemics? How do I, how do you respond when you really think about those things and probability of them affecting your life?

Well first, I don't want to discount the issues that are exploding about us. There are huge problems that have no remedy, including the clashing of cultures and beliefs. What we should do, is be responsible are much as we can be. Our carbon footprint--how are we ecologically affeecting Planet Earth? If we have financially, are we giving to those in need around us? We should not ignore the needs of those around us in order to remain ignorant about world issues. Utopia is simply a dream or a vision that will never be attained in our lifetime, so how will we deal with that fact? Do we bury ourselves in our own lives and avoid reality? Do we seek to find comfort in material possessions while many around us go without? What is your personal response to the reality of our world in need? What are you doing to make a difference?

Secondly...ultimately we cannot have fear for our futures or possible disasters we might live through. Why should we live in a perpetual states of "what ifs", when there is no guarantee that we will be faced with insurmountable issues? We can't. There needs to be hope in our lives, and there needs to be faith that regardless of what we might eventually face, we have our lives to the best of our capability. We have done all we can to help those around us, and we are being all we can be.

Finally, most importantly, my exhortation--live now. You don't know what will happen. You don't know how much time you have left in your life. You might walk out of your door one day and never return. You might face a tragedy that will leave you stunned and your whole world changed irrevocably. What you do with your time that you have now is what's important. Often we put off what we want to do, or what we need to do, because we think there will be a tomorrow and a tomorrow after that. What if there isn't? What if what we have now is all we will ever have?

This is some weird scare tactic in order to get an emotional response. It's just a reminder that our lives are fragile and we are not immortal. We can dwell in what might happen to us...we need to live now.

Tattoos & Lack of Creativity

I'm not going to post a picture of it, but I have another tattoo in the works! A new graphic designer that I know from my previous job has offered to draw me up a sketch, so I am most eagerly awaiting it.
The only thing that bothers me is the fact that I'm not creative enough to plan one myself. Of the two that I currently have, one is copied almost directly from a photo I saw on the Internet, and the second is simply the word "love" on my wrist, so nothing special.
The next tattoo (third) is again, a picture from the Internet that just looks so beautiful/creative. I can't pass up on it. The graphic designer is going to tweak the words (font size, type, and placement) and clean up the picture section of it, before going ahead with it. I'm very very excited.
But, I HAVE to think of another tattoo (eventually) that is more original and more Marcia. I saw a spine tattoo that I fell in love with as well, but again, another copy of a picture from the Internet.
Come to think of it, I'm really not a very creative person. Every once in a while, I have flashes of brilliance, but consistently? No. I blame my mother for this, and she would freely admit that she was never a creative person, and never challenged any of her children to be creative. Two my sisters can draw/paint/all that junk, but stick figures are my forte, and aspiring people to anorexia is not exactly my style.
Hey Marcia...pull yourself together, girl!!
And stop talking to yourself at work. You're creeping people out.

Work Issues

I'm listening to John Mayer at work in an effort to avoid binge eating junk food, which is essentially "stress eating".
What is it about work, that it evolves from being an enjoyable experience to being, well, work?
People always say that you should do what you love, but the fact is, you'll love doing anything for the first couple months, perhaps even years, but eventually the stress/wear and tear/general work environment will dull your love of your job.
In fact, I would put forward that people are most happy in jobs that are solitary and do not require any daily interaction with large amount of people.
Proof: look how happy landscapers are. They might work with one other person the entire day, be exhausted and tired, but still not have to deal with the drama that accompanies working with extended staff. Artists who paint in silence are proof indeed.
The fact is, each of us are individuals that unfortunately bring issues to the workplace, carrying our home problems in with us, and affecting the way that we treat people who interact with us every day. A fight with a spouse might send someone into an angry or frustrated spiral, that they take out on their coworker who unwittingly steps on their nerves.
Of course we all do this with family members, but coworkers are not family members, and so I don't think we should treat each other or be treated like such. I mean, I shouldn't have to listen to a doctor berate me because she feels like something isn't being done her way or to her preference. STFU lady. You make mistakes in your OR and no one rubs it in your face, so stop being a self-righteous hypocrite and go boil your head.
That is all. For the love of God, please do the world a favour and don't bring your personal issue or anger management problems to your workplace. We're all entitled to a peaceful and zen work environment, and I'M GETTING WHAT I'M ENTITLED TO.