Lent

Today is the first day of Lent.

I found that picture while Googling some information on Lent.

(You can view the entire list of Top 100 Things Twitterers Are Giving up For Lent here.)

The top few aren't surprising.  Facebook.  Chocolate.  Twitter.  

There are some strange ones mixed in there as well, but there is a prevalent theme:  people are giving up bad habits. 

Typically that is what I used to do as well.  Each year (even though I'm not Catholic), I would give up something that I enjoyed but that I also felt I should be enjoying a little less.  

One year I gave up coffee.  I wanted to deny myself that sweet sip first thing in the morning but I also wanted whiter teeth and less heart burn.

Desserts has also been a favourite of mine.   Giving up cheese cake was always hard but my slow metabolism thanked me for it.

Today when I was reading a couple different articles about Lent, I realized that perhaps I have been doing it wrong all these years.

In many ways, I think we use Lent as a vehicle to refine our lives and to practice personal self control.  At the end of forty days I would feel like boasting, "See God?  See the things I can do for You!?"

Which totally isn't the point of Lent!

Everything in life revolves around relationships.  Relationships with family, friends, lovers, God, co-workers, bosses... We are created to be in relationships, to communicate and to love.

("My soul has a purpose, it is to love;  if I do not fulfill my heart's vocation, I suffer." -Thomas Aquinas)

Based on that idea,  I'm starting to believe that Lent isn't about being nobly self sacrificing or self attaining;  maybe it should be about our attitudes and the way we treat those around us.

One of my major attitudes (of the many) is the way I treat my partner.  I'm am not always patient with him, especially when we are having an conversation and he is slow with his thoughts.  Many times I jump to conclusions and don't respectfully wait to hear his opinions.

So maybe Lent should be about us examining our behaviours and seeking to break down the barriers that cause us to be that way.  What is it that makes us angry, rude, short tempered or impatient?

I think praying and seeking to God's infinite wisdom in these matters is far more important than giving up chocolate for forty days.  

What are you struggling with and how can Lent help you become closer to God?

His Eye is on the Sparrow

The past few weeks have been extremely challenging for Matt and I in many different ways.

We have had many difficulties and troubles faced.  The thing that I am most grateful for is that I am not alone.  I have Matt and a heavenly Father to broach this issues with.

Starting with last week.  We applied for apartment that we were completely in love with and so sure we would get because of our speed in applying.  Somehow the lines of communication were crossed between us and the woman who handled our application.  Needless to say, she sent in the application late and another couple managed to get the apartment before us.

To say I was crushed by the situation is an understatement.  I have been looking for apartments for the past two to three months.  I've seen horrible, decent and wonderful apartments.  I've gone out of my way to drive places and look at houses;  it has been an ordeal.   When I found out we didn't get the apartment we really wanted, I totally broke down. 

I was crying and was going mainly through my head was:  "Why didn't we get this place? We PRAYED about it!  We prayed and asked God to guide us to the right apartment so why didn't we get this place??"

The answer of course is that the apartment was not the one meant for us.  A rational side of me knew that, but I was so overwhelmed with emotion and frustration, so tired of looking and looking.

On the same day I found out about the apartment, I had a bank appointment.  I won't get into boring details, but I've basically been seeking to sort out my financial situation.  Unfortunately, the personal banker that I spoke with was extremely unhelpful and seemed unable to assist me in any way.  Her words she kept repeating were: "Build up your net worth", something I already could have told anyone.  Obviously saving is always key.

But on the topic of saving, we haven't been able to do it with one unexpected expense after another.  We've never gone hungry, but it's been a tough battle. 

Continuing on the same day:  I had told the pastor of our church weeks before that I would provide a dish for their family that evening because their son had invasive and important surgery that day.  I thought it would ease the load a bit for them.  When I went home from the bank, discouraged and let down, I went through all the cupboards attempting to find the ingredients for the dish I was supposed to make.

Mac n' cheese had been the original plan but I ended up making a cheesy tuna casserole because I didn't have any money to spend on ingredients for mac n' cheese.  I used up most of our tuna and pasta and cheese.  I finished making the dish and we brought it over to their family later in the evening.

I was working a twelve hour shift the next day and had literally NO money to spend.  We had barely any food left and definitely nothing we could both take to work.  After we got home from delivering the meal, we sat there and looked at each other.  I cried again and said, "What are we going to do about food?"  

(I'm sure we could have created some sort of eclectic dish like peanut butter pasta or something equally gross.  Either way, I felt so defeated, I couldn't be interested in making a dish of anything.)

Matt and I talked for a long time.  Too long in fact and he ended up leaving the apartment later than usual for Licorice's night walk.  When he got home I was already in bed starting to fall asleep.  He leaned over me and said, "I found $20 on the side walk while I was walking Licorice!" He split the money in half and we both had $10 to spend on food the next day.  More than enough.

The week continued on in a crappy manner.  I found out my boss for some absurd reason is hiring another part time clerk which means I could lose a substantial amount of money.  When I called my Mom last night, I said to her, "I can't worry or freak out about this.  I have to trust and believe that God has everything under control and there is a plan for me. I don't know what it is right now, but I have to believe that!"

After all, it was divine timing that led Matt to leave the apartment late for Licorice's night time walk.  It was divine guidance that led him up that specific street.  Everything worked out perfectly.  

To others finding $20 may not seem like a big deal, but to me it was confirmation, a message from God saying, "Don't worry.  I got this. You can be at rest and trust Me."

I don't know where you are in your life right now.  I don't know what worries or burdens you may be carrying.  I can assure that our financial struggle is far from over and we are looking at a VERY tight February.  However, I can tell you that God does provide.  The choice is ours: whether to trust that He has it all under control or to attempt to fix everything without seeking His help.

So be encouraged. God is on your side and He is fighting the battle for you, providing for you and loving you.

An end note:  We got another apartment in the same building.  We found out yesterday and have been happy with this choice.  It is closer to the laundry and easier for Licorice to access.  

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, and come down from the Father of Lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." -James 1:17 

"Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows." -Matt. 10:29-31

Lent, God & faith

"Becoming by grace what God is by nature..." -St Athanasius

Lent is a Catholic tradition/ritual that has crossed over to other denominations. Even though I don't celebrate the Catholic faith (salvation by works is a daunting belief), I do enjoy the period of self sacrifice and fasting from some type of activity or enjoyment. The word "lent" comes a Germanic word for "springtime" and that's an interesting way to view the weeks leading up to Easter--as a time for a type of spiritual spring cleaning...fasting from the things that might clutter up your faith or your belief system.

The idea of becoming more godly (or Godlike) is an intriguing concept as well. How much do I even know or understand God? I do believe that He exists but how I personally interact with Him is a different discussion. What does it mean to me to become more godly?

Ultimately I think it comes down to self renewal and growth. It's a time for one to look at their life and assess habits or attitudes that might stand in the way of said growth and change, which is why it's usually a good idea to sacrifice something that could be considered a vice or a negative habit in ones life.

Anyway, this Lent I've decided to give up desserts. It's a tough call because there's nothing like going out for a slice of cake with friends or snacking on cookies. In some ways I feel like I pussied out because I should have given up something that would be much more difficult to do without--listening to music, for example. Or no Internet.

I wonder sometimes how much my faith is one of convenience...and I wonder how this convenience has compromised the authenticity of it. Shouldn't devout Christians be willing to give up everything for the God that they worship and love?

I guess we're all in development, constantly being perfected and growing, and I think it would be good for everyone to go through this type of self examination... We can get too comfortable with the way that we are and close ourselves off to changing.

But hey, those are just my random thoughts of the day. That and--my sister broke up with her boyfriend yesterday afternoon. I came home from work to a dark apartment, her curled up in a fetal position in bed, Mr. Cat awkwardly sitting outside her door as if waiting for me to come home and talk to her.

"How did it go?" I ask, standing at the end of her bed.
"Hard," she says. "It was hard to see him cry..." Her voice trails off and she turns away toward the wall.
I feel a twinge of fear as I consider how much I care about the guy in my life and how I would feel if I was in the same situation.

Grace...I have yet to learn the true meaning of that word in my life. It's something to contemplate, for sure.

May you be blessed through this spring, a time of change/renewal/growth/new life, whether you believe in God or not, whether you celebrate Easter and the Lenten period or not, whether you are living with doubts or walking in complete and utter faith.

Peace.

...What A Disaster

So I was sitting briefly in the staff waiting room before starting my shift, and a nurse was watching CNN. In a span of five minutes, I saw footage of rioting in Greece (over economic troubles), political unrest in Britain, humanitarian needs in Haiti, police hunting for an infamous serial killer in the States, reforms the Feds need to make in order to avoid accidentally letting a terrorist into the free Western world, and so on and on and on.

At one point, I turned to the nurse (who was calmly sitting there, eating grapes and spitting out the seeds), and said, "The world is just getting worse and worse".

Well, she must have been completely oblivious/totally engrossed with her seed spitting, because she replied, "Why do you think that?"

After staring at her blankly for a couple seconds, I said, "Well, look at the news and all the unrest world wide...How much longer can our world last like this? What will our children live through if it's already in such a downward spiral?"

A brief silence followed, punctuated by more seeds being spat out, and she asked matter-of-factly, "Are you scared?"

Am I scared? What an interesting question...
I have found myself afraid of many things in the past, mainly situations beyond my control or influence. Yet, despite those problems being uncontrollable, I would still harbor wild fears, which were at times crippling.

Who hasn't woken up in the middle night, or tossed and turned unable to sleep, financial burdens weighing on your mind? What mother hasn't anxiously checked the time, wondering why the child is an hour late home from school, possible scenarios that frighten and leave them breathless unavoidably running through their minds? Am I the only one who has walked home from work later at night and felt a nervousness when passing certain people?

That is, the world we live. We're plagued with fears, with the possibility of disaster or trauma playing out in our often overactive imaginations. In fact, many people would say that they avoid turning on their televisions, radios, or reading the paper, because all that you'll see or hear is bad news.

So isn't it ultimately human to have these wild fears? Aren't we all prone to worrying about what could happen? And what was my reaction to her question? Does the idea of international unrest frighten me? Rioting? Famines? Nuclear warfare? Pandemics and epidemics? How do I, how do you respond when you really think about those things and probability of them affecting your life?

Well first, I don't want to discount the issues that are exploding about us. There are huge problems that have no remedy, including the clashing of cultures and beliefs. What we should do, is be responsible are much as we can be. Our carbon footprint--how are we ecologically affeecting Planet Earth? If we have financially, are we giving to those in need around us? We should not ignore the needs of those around us in order to remain ignorant about world issues. Utopia is simply a dream or a vision that will never be attained in our lifetime, so how will we deal with that fact? Do we bury ourselves in our own lives and avoid reality? Do we seek to find comfort in material possessions while many around us go without? What is your personal response to the reality of our world in need? What are you doing to make a difference?

Secondly...ultimately we cannot have fear for our futures or possible disasters we might live through. Why should we live in a perpetual states of "what ifs", when there is no guarantee that we will be faced with insurmountable issues? We can't. There needs to be hope in our lives, and there needs to be faith that regardless of what we might eventually face, we have our lives to the best of our capability. We have done all we can to help those around us, and we are being all we can be.

Finally, most importantly, my exhortation--live now. You don't know what will happen. You don't know how much time you have left in your life. You might walk out of your door one day and never return. You might face a tragedy that will leave you stunned and your whole world changed irrevocably. What you do with your time that you have now is what's important. Often we put off what we want to do, or what we need to do, because we think there will be a tomorrow and a tomorrow after that. What if there isn't? What if what we have now is all we will ever have?

This is some weird scare tactic in order to get an emotional response. It's just a reminder that our lives are fragile and we are not immortal. We can dwell in what might happen to us...we need to live now.

[Marcia Is Saying] Freedom!

I find it rather tragic that we'll never completely understand how dark and desolate life was before the coming, death, and resurrection of Jesus.

Bound to fulfill the law, repeatedly unable to do so, sacrificing animals as an atonement for sin, and grace not demonstrated to it's full capacity in life. No hope for complete salvation...

How we take for granted the gift of grace, faith, love, and hope that has been so freely extended to us, and which we can grasp if only we should choose to do so.

Everyday we take advantage of the greatest sacrifice, everyday we live by grace, believing with all faith that God has forgiven us, loving only because He first loved us, and being filled with a hope for a future.

As you pass through this Easter weekend, take time to reflect on your life now, and what it used to be. And if you don't a difference, reflect on what your life could be.

Have a blessed Easter.

Spring* ala Winter*

We've been tricked. Duped, lied to, and cheated on.
The promise of spring is fleeting and vain. Although we have been waiting with bated breaths for that glorious day in March when winter is over, it would appear that although it technically has arrived, physically it is as cold as a November night.

Perhaps it's just the notion of spring that has raised our hopes.
Spring means new life, a promise of a future, hope for good times ahead, and a respite from the cold blasts of snow, sleet, ice, and rain we have all been shivering through.


*

So here I am, driving in this car, doing my makeup and hair, moving from here to there independently, working constantly, barely finding time to meet up with people let alone have moments of quiet for myself, and I find that I barely know who I am anymore.

It feels as though I may have lost myself in this grand cause otherwise known as life.

And yet, in the still small moments, when you pause to hear a cardinal outside, notice the budding on the branches, and deeply inhale the scent of coming change, you start to feel yourself. You remember that who you are and what you believe in can never be taken away from you without your consent.


*

Hang onto this:

That you were made this way for a purpose, and that one day you will believe that with all your heart. A completeness and sense of assurance will fill you, and you'll know without a doubt that you've been given to this world, to your family, to the people who love you, for a very good reason.

When you find nights long and lonely, or feel as though depression may be crushing you with it's blackness and dark secrets, hang onto this:

That you are made in God's image, and there is nothing greater in the world than that. You were chosen, you were created from Intelligent Design, you were an intent in the heart of the Greatest Creator of all. Rest assured that God does not walk with us, only to leave us in the hard times.

White Out* Aging* Faith* Change*

It would appear we have not seen the last of winter, even though spring daylight savings begins this weekend.

The snow has been falling for twelve hours now, and shows no sign of letting up. It blankets the city and hides the dirty streets, hides the garbage that drifts down the roads and sidewalks, it covers the squalor and dirtiness. In a few hours the snow will turn to a brown slush and will no longer hide the city's unattractiveness, but emphasize it. It is then that I wish for country living, where one can look out into the fields and wilderness surrounding them and see untouched white spreading as far as the eye can witness.

However, despite snows wondrous ability to cover up the unsightly environment, I believe we are all longing for spring, for new birth, Easter, the smell of soil thawing, and leaves on trees unfurling to a new life and new growth. It's time for a seasonal change, and we all feel it, a growing desire for warmer weather and longer days.

***

Life does not grow easier as you age. As a child you are certain that being an adult will solve many of lifes' difficulties, and that with time things will be clearer and more transparent to you. It has become obvious to me that things do not become clearer, but rather as you age, you learn to patient, you learn to wait for things to occur, and with wisdom you attempt to feel out situations before rushing into them head-first with that youthful recklessness. I still often wonder why things are like so, whether they will ever change, and whether I will recognize that change when it does occur.

Time passes, you wait, and you begin to see things that you never noticed before in the heat of youth. You see wrinkles appearing, laugh lines, shaky hands, and slow gait. You recognize love in people's eyes, you see the power of touch, you marvel at relationships that grow and change. You become strongly aware of your own mortality, and often wonder what the point of life is. Strangely enough, death seems a comfort, for it the natural end of the road for all men.

When you reach the final chapter of life, you need to be sure of only two things...that you have no regrets, and that you know where you will be going, as you step into the surrounding shadows that turn to a glorious Light.

***

Stronger than anything in this world is faith.

It brings hope and joy to the heart, a light in the midst of all darkness.

Even though reason may attempt to stamp it out, the premise of faith is that it exists beyond reason.

No man can take away your faith, no one can lay claim to it, it is the spark in your heart, the belief that belongs to you alone.

You may lose everything else in life, you may be penniless, empty, cracked and broken...

But cracked and broken you overflow and pour out to those around you.

As faith flows through you and touches the people around you, believe that you are changing lives. Believe that your faith will never change, and that what you believe in defines who you are.

***

***

Rest assured that the things in life that you cannot change are static for a reason. They are immovable because they need to be that way. Although we may struggle and fight to bend things from how they are, perhaps the best thing we can do is stop the thrashing and general ineffectual struggling, and wait...Wait to see if the surrounding circumstances need change, or if perhaps, instead of attempting to change our milieu, we may in fact, need to change ourselves.

Thoughts

Heading into 2008 in a few days seems a little grim to me.

I suppose that's mainly because I feel as though I once again, haven't done anything significant this year. I mean...yeah sure, I jumped into the pool of "professional" work, but that doesn't mean all that much to me. I still feel as though I haven't made the necessary changes and as though I am mired in one spot.

Here's the thing about hope...
Sure, it's God-given, He plants hope in our hearts for a future, but sometimes it seems to me that it is just a cruel trick that nature has played on us. It would appear we spend our lives hoping for things to be a certain way, hoping for people to be a certain way, hoping for more.
The question is...when, or HOW, do I become content enough to accept where/who I am? AND...is hope really God-given if it lifts us to incredible heights, only to dash us on the rocks of reality.
I know what the cliched answer to that would be..."If your hopes are in God, you won't suffer". But that's not reality. Reality is...that we all want things we shouldn't/couldn't have, and we all wonder why we can't have those things...