AwakeAwakeAwake

I haven't slept more than five hours straight since Thursday.

For whatever reason, I lay on my bed for hours, waiting for sleep to come, feeling too keyed up, my mind busily scrambling around. It's as though I can find no peace or rest. I end up shoving my iPod in my ears and listening to some soothing music that helps me fall asleep. Just as I start drifting off, I pull the headphones out and try to sleep.

I'm afraid that I'll choke myself to death with the headphones, or not hear my alarm clock over the dulcet tones of Ray LaMontagne, Dido, David Gray, Damien Rice, Michael Buble, and other such gentle crooners.

At any rate, the moment I pull those headphones out, and I can feel myself starting to wake up and get tense again. Andddd stick them back in and turn up "Hushabye Mountain"...I love you Dick Van Dyke.

I am very very seriously considering a white noise machine. I'm sure I look ragged, and I need to sleep!!!
But each night, the exhaustion disappears and I'll be awake until two or three in the morning, either laying on my bed staring at the ceiling, or sitting in front of my computer listening music and trying to tire myself out.

Ah the dilemmas.

.:In Dreams:.

Every night now, I almost dread going to sleep.
I used to sleep with a deepness that not even the sound of thunder could penetrate.
Lights would flicker, people would talk, music would play, and I would sleep soundly through it.

Yet now, what wakes me in the middle of the night to a profound sadness, is myself.

My dreams have become more vivid and real in the passing days, and each night I wake breathless with hope, only to be dragged back into reality.

It is as though my every desire, my deep wants, my yearnings rise to the surface every night I fall asleep, and I awake with the idea that they have come, or are coming to pass.

After a few minutes of waking, I realize nothing has changed, and life is the same.

To be reminded each night of what I have not achieved or feel I have lacked in is almost unbearable.

David Gray, Two Hours of Sleep, Thinking About It All

Two hours of sleep is a tease.
It's not enough to satisfy the body's craving and need for sleep, but it's just enough to make you feel sleepier, and to make you all the more aware that you are missing out on something quite vital.
It would almost easier to simply not sleep at all, stay awake and ride the adrenaline your body creates to get through the next day.

*

And thinking about life, it's becoming clearer and clearer to me that walking alone down deserted streets in the middle of the night might be the best thing ever.
You feel alone in the vast, teeming city around you.
You could touch a person walking by, you could talk to anyone if you really felt the need, but you don't.
You just enjoy the quietness of your steps on the pavement, your own breathing, the sound of cars passing, and the laughter of people passing by.
You envy the people in groups who seem to be having a good go at things, but at the same time, you embrace the loneliness and isolation, feeling safer, strong, impenetrable.
Walking alone down a street in the city at night might be the best thing ever.

*

I've just gotten back into David Gray again, and I've been finding his music so poignant and touching. I guess it's one of those things that you can't explain, but you can only feel with your heart. And this is what I feel... Every time I hear this song This Years Love, I can't prevent tears from welling up and trickling down. Which is awkward, especially on the bus.

But I was laying awake in bed at 3:30 this morning, listening to the song on my iPod, and slowly the tears started up again. I can't say there's anything particularly special about the song per se, but as I said before, it's one of those things you can't explain.

Here are [some] of the lyrics-

This Years Love

This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on

Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cos it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last

So whose to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on
And won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last

*